So sometimes lately I feel like I'm faking it.
I think of back when I was, 'living it up' as a guy guy. Working out, porn, girls, talking trash, blah blah. I had a consistent desire to be more feminine. It just wasn't ME.
I'm doing this transsexual thing, and sometimes parts of me are revolting against it. I'm finding myself still attatched to certain things I was doing as a guy. Sure I could pass it off as just being a very masculine sort of female personality, but I think it's more than that.
The happiest time of my life, the time when I was the most sexual and therefore probably the most self accepting as well, was when I was an androgyne for about a year after going off HRT for the first time.
Being utterly feminine in body but still being able to switch between roles was simply my thing.
So perhaps it's strange, but I've come to a conclusion that I'm androgynic in many aspects. Living like a guy didn't bring much satisfaction except feeding my ego and shoving my problems under the rug, while living as a female just surfaces my emotions, along with it my dreams and my artistic side.
To be honest, I'd really like to be some sort of androgynic female, like Jo off of Burst Angel. But my body hasn't been graced with that sort of androgynic lankiness, I can either be broad and muscular or petite and curvy. But society can't accept someone who's doesn't gracefully fall inbetween gender boundaries like some people can do. I could go either way and be a success, atleast I think so. But in between couldn't work, considering the way my body works. I have a stronger drive to be female over male. But part of me simply wishes I could disconnect the two and turn into two different people, that way I'm not so torn up inbetween dreams.
I'd like to be in the middle, but society can't handle that and I suppose I can't either. So I have every plan of continuing my transition, but I suppose quitting it and attempting to be an androgyne is still another option. I'm sure I could do it again, remain very unmuscled and soft bodied and continue to let my hair grow out. But the thought of facial hair disgusts me, body hair too, and my body puts on muscle very very easily which messes with the androgynic body image I would chase after.
:-(
So I guess I really wish I could be an androgyne, but genetics are forcing me one way or the other, and I'm choosing female. I feel more comfortable in a female life style and body model than I do in a male, and I suppose even as an androgyne, but it's like everything about my personality is androgynic.
Wtf. I don't even know.
I'm just sick of feeling like I'm faking it, no matter which way I go.
Because nothing hurts so much as pretending to be something you're not.
