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transsexual+androgyne?

Started by Annwyn, March 31, 2008, 09:28:54 PM

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Annwyn



So sometimes lately I feel like I'm faking it.

I think of back when I was, 'living it up' as a guy guy.  Working out, porn, girls, talking trash, blah blah.  I had a consistent desire to be more feminine.  It just wasn't ME.
I'm doing this transsexual thing, and sometimes parts of me are revolting against it.  I'm finding myself still attatched to certain things I was doing as a guy.  Sure I could pass it off as just being a very masculine sort of female personality, but I think it's more than that.

The happiest time of my life, the time when I was the most sexual and therefore probably the most self accepting as well, was when I was an androgyne for about a year after going off HRT for the first time.
Being utterly feminine in body but still being able to switch between roles was simply my thing.

So perhaps it's strange, but I've come to a conclusion that I'm androgynic in many aspects.  Living like a guy didn't bring much satisfaction except feeding my ego and shoving my problems under the rug, while living as a female just surfaces my emotions, along with it my dreams and my artistic side.

To be honest, I'd really like to be some sort of androgynic female, like Jo off of Burst Angel.  But my body hasn't been graced with that sort of androgynic lankiness, I can either be broad and muscular or petite and curvy.  But society can't accept someone who's doesn't gracefully fall inbetween gender boundaries like some people can do.  I could go either way and be a success, atleast I think so.  But in between couldn't work, considering the way my body works.  I have a stronger drive to be female over male.  But part of me simply wishes I could disconnect the two and turn into two different people, that way I'm not so torn up inbetween dreams.

I'd like to be in the middle, but society can't handle that and I suppose I can't either.  So I have every plan of continuing my transition, but I suppose quitting it and attempting to be an androgyne is still another option.  I'm sure I could do it again, remain very unmuscled and soft bodied and continue to let my hair grow out.  But the thought of facial hair disgusts me, body hair too, and my body puts on muscle very very easily which messes with the androgynic body image I would chase after.

:-(

So I guess I really wish I could be an androgyne, but genetics are forcing me one way or the other, and I'm choosing female.  I feel more comfortable in a female life style and body model than I do in a male, and I suppose even as an androgyne, but it's like everything about my personality is androgynic.

Wtf.  I don't even know.

I'm just sick of feeling like I'm faking it, no matter which way I go.

Because nothing hurts so much as pretending to be something you're not.
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fluffy jorgen

Man, you and the Other Boardies have made my Day (Night!)
I've been wondering about this for a while now. I'm sick of not being able to be myself.
All you said is what I've been feeling lately!!! Apart from that Genetics are forcing me into being Male.
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Annwyn

Yeha, well I'd much rather have been born a female and have just gone into an androgynic lifestyle than forcing myself to find some kind of comfortable middle ground.  Uuugh.
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Pica Pica

the music is dodgy, but the message fits.
'For the circle may be squared with rising and swelling.' Kit Smart
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Annwyn

that racket is the worst crap my ears have heard for a long time, ever since I heard that other crap song Under Blue Moon or whatever.

Uuugh.
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sd

That is the bitch of being an androgyne.
Anything you do to be more comfortable with yourself, makes you an outcast to society.

It is either their comfort or yours, a happy medium is difficult to find.
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Pica Pica

Quote from: Annwyn on March 31, 2008, 09:57:30 PM
that racket is the worst crap my ears have heard for a long time, ever since I heard that other crap song Under Blue Moon or whatever.

Uuugh.

it grows on you.
'For the circle may be squared with rising and swelling.' Kit Smart
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fluffy jorgen

Your own happiness is more important!
And it is harder to find 'cause you got to fight for it 'cause noone else will!
If you're not happy how can you make anyone else happy to the best of your ability?
It's all there, in my head but it won't come out! I'm being hysterical tonight.
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Annwyn

I had a debate a long time ago that revealed more evidence for reincarnation than any other religious/spiritual trait or belief.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off just getting to the next life a bit faster instead of screwing around and being miserable in this one...<.<
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Pica Pica

don't be daft, you won't have learned the lesson from this one. you'll just have to go through it all over again.
'For the circle may be squared with rising and swelling.' Kit Smart
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fluffy jorgen

Past lives, let's just say I believe in those. And future lives.
Maybe you're supposed to figure out something in this life that you were never able to figure out in the last life and that will be useful in the future life.
Why? Because.
Just like, why do you think you're a man/ woman? Because. It's a Conclusion. No more to it. Thinking out "loud".
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sd

How did that group ever get a record contract?

Jorgen, your own happiness is important, but at what cost. Sometimes you do have to take others into consideration and life is larger than just yourself. A few minutes searching this site will show you what those costs can be.
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Nero

hey darlin, i'm the same as you except the opposite direction. I'm most definitely a man, but an androgynous one. and i feel as you do cept the opposite of course. need to be seen as male yet i'm not a stereotypical one.
Nero was the Forum Admin here at Susan's Place for several years up to the time of his death.
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fluffy jorgen

Quote from: sd on March 31, 2008, 10:20:53 PM

Jorgen, your own happiness is important, but at what cost. Sometimes you do have to take others into consideration and life is larger than just yourself. A few minutes searching this site will show you what those costs can be.


Don't I know it (even without browsing), my Problems are nothing to compared to some people's. Even so I know quite a lot of people who've sacfrificed their own happiness (for whatever reason) for me and all I've done is taken it because I'm that kind of person. I suppose saying I had a lousy start in Life doesn't count as an excuse.
But then I sacrificed MY happiness for more people than they've done for me, so One thing I do know, I'm not gonna stop until I am happy. I'm sick of being unhappy for other people's benefit.
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Annwyn

Uuuck.  Last night the codiene and other cough medicine was talking to much.

I still feel the same way, but there's no way in hell I want to give it up.

Fact though, is that I was the happiest when I was an androgynous individual, even though I was smoking and doing drugs all the time with no figure whatsoever, I was the happiest.
I suppose if I get burned out on this transition, I could find a middle ground closer to the other end, power lifting again and focusing all my body's energy on building some massive thighs or something, just without the lack of testosterone screwing those efforts over.
I just can't do anymore than that, because I always want to still be appealing in a feminine way... always.  Since I've lost the muscle, or well a large amount of it, guys have been taking an interest in me again, it's nice.
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Kir

I hear ya.

Personally, I enjoy being an androgyne, but some days it is really hard. People want to put you in a category. And the even worse days are when you are putting yourself into a category too.

I think it would be hard to transition. Is the grass really greener over there?

That's why I straddle the middle. Some days I wish I was a girl. Some days I wish I was a guy. Some days I wish I was neither. Most days I wish I was both. I do also wish I had a more feminine appearance than I do. If it were not for the fur and the voice, and of course the flat chest, I could pass for a girl. If it were not for my choice of words, how emotional I am, and my body language, I could pass for a guy.

But from observing, I would say it's very normal to wonder what it would be like from the other side. And we all wonder if we are doing the right thing. There are times that maybe I wonder if I am supposed to transition to female. There are times when I think I should just be a guy.
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lady amarant

Hmmm. It's interesting that I've been having some thoughts along these lines myself for the last few weeks as I've been getting more comfortable with myself. I mean, I am 100% sure that I am MtF TS - the need to match my body to my female mind is overwhelming, but there are many ways in which I am just never going to be a typical female.

On the other hand though, what the hell is typical anyway?! For the first time ever I'm being ME, and I happen to think ME is a pretty awesome person.

~Simone,
       ...
       See, toldya I'd stop!
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Annwyn

Arizona Green Tea defines my life.
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Seshatneferw

Quote from: lady amarant on April 01, 2008, 04:01:28 PM
On the other hand though, what the hell is typical anyway?!

Um, Simone, in case you hadn't noticed we are the people who couldn't figure that one out.  ;)

Quote
I mean, I am 100% sure that I am MtF TS - the need to match my body to my female mind is overwhelming, but there are many ways in which I am just never going to be a typical female.

So the plan is to go from an unhappy male 'man' via a happier androgynous 'man' to an even happier androgynous woman? Sounds good -- and if you find you ought to go further, there's no need to stop.

  Nfr
Whoopee! Man, that may have been a small one for Neil, but it's a long one for me.
-- Pete Conrad, Apollo XII
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lady amarant

Quote from: Seshatneferw on April 02, 2008, 02:38:23 AM
Um, Simone, in case you hadn't noticed we are the people who couldn't figure that one out.  ;)

I LOVE you guys...


~Simone,
       Androgyne Groupie.
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