I'm mtf, 24 and I'm a little over a month on lowdose Spiro and Estradiol. I should be happy that I finally made the decision to go on hrt, but lately I feel more depressed than ever. All I can think about is "are they going to work?" and it consumes my nearly every waking thought now. I cannot function, I dropped out of college for the semester  because I'm just so emotionally spent and can't focus.

The only way I could cope with daily life before coming out to myself was to deeply repress every thought of ->-bleeped-<-, avoid every mention of it on the media or on the internet, etc. --whatever it took to keep it far away from my mind, because whenever I think about transition it just feels like pie in the sky, and I get upset... But now that Im actually pursuing it, it's /impossible/ to not think about it, thus I'm upset all the time. I'm obsessed with looking at hrt timelines, which are bittersweet because they give equal parts hope and jealousy.

My life before coming out to myself was relatively emotionally stable-- defeated, nihilistic, apathetic, empty, but still able to robotically fulfill my responsibilities of daily life and engage in entertainment (to eke out whatever feeble dopamine hit I can get). But now the stakes are super high, and it feels like I'm about to attempt scaling Everest... if the hormones don't work, then that's it, life isn't worth living. And the possibility of that weighs on my mind constantly. I try to engage in hobbies and entertainment but I've lost interest and they just can't distract my mind well enough anymore.

My depression before coming out to myself was a sort of empty deadness, but now I feel like I'm experiencing a different type of depression-- sadness, crying nearly every day, etc. I just feel hopeless right now, and I have no idea how to distract my mind while waiting for the hormones to work.

Depression sucks and is very common with us transgendered people.

Regarding the hormones not working, there are so many options available that just about everyone has success. Hormones will work, but it can not change bones. Be patient and give it time.

There are better qualified people here who can talk to you about what you are experiencing. I was warned that if I decide to transition that I would feel a sense of urgency and impatience. I've also considered the whole process like climbing a mountain... because that's what I do for 'fun'.

I say, 'fun' and I do enjoy it, despite it being exhausting and sometimes scary, but I actually started to deal with depression. I feel alive when I am out on the hills and it gives me a buzz that lasts about 3 days. It is something I find I must do every week or I sink back into depression. So perhaps take up walking and if possible try and hit the hills but as long as you are in open green spaces it will be beneficial for you. That might mean taking a trip out of an urban environment once a week. But begin with simply walking as close to a mile as you can. Do that every day for a month. Then up it to 2 miles a day. By the end of the second month it will take you no more than 20 minutes. Then do 5 miles once a week for a month. Then look to hit the hills if possible. There is no better natural release from depression. Talk to any hiker or hill/mountain climber on YouTube and they will almost all tell you a story about the need to get outdoors in order to control anxiety and depression.

I will leave the hormone talk to the people who can advise you the best... I only know what I've read. But for controlling depression, I strongly recommend getting out into open countryside. Some people like the woods, but I feel hemmed in with woodland and prefer open moorland and mountain tops, but each to their own.

You take care... people here care about you and you are not alone.

love
Alice

Hello Madison2002

First of all congratulations on starting HRT in September.

I am sorry that you felt empty before accepting yourself as trans and I can relate to that as I certainly felt depressed myself before I took action to address being transgender.

You state you are now are suffering from a different type of depression with hopelessness and sadness. You have not said whether or not you had therapy before HRT or if so, to what extent. My advice would be to contact a gender therapist (whether you have had previous counselling or not) and discuss both your depression periods and feelings therein.

I would also think that although there are no guarantees on particular aspects and timelines of HRT, you should see some progress at least emotionally if not physically, later this year.

I hope you are able to find some resolution to your state of mind at present and I wish you every success on your HRT journey.

Hugs

Pamela

I'm MTF and started HRT April 30th 2018. I'm also 45 years old. I lived with depression all my life. I hid who I believed I was all of my life. It affected every relationship I ever had. No one ever knew the real me. I was closed off and kept everything bottled up. It affected every aspect of my life in some way.

I'm finally reaching the point where I realize that hiding who I am is going to kill me. I'm tired of being miserable and lonely. I did it to myself out of fear of people getting to know the real me and then rejecting me. I have come out to a few friends and so far they haven't rejected me. My next step is coming g out to my deeply conservative Christian parents. They are great parents. They are loving and supportive. I just hope they can accept what I tell them.

My point is this: You are the one who determines your future. You can hide like I did and let it affect your life and relationships or you can be you and let THAT affect your life and relationships. Both choices have consequences. Both choices might include tough times and pain. In the end you are the only one who can decide what is right for you. You may even be one of those people who can hide who they believe they should be and not have any adverse effects from it. However, reading the posts from people who suppressed who they believed themselves to be all their lives it would seem that it's just not likely.

I wish the best in whatever decision you make. Know that there are many here who empathize with you and will be here to help support whatever decision you make.

~Mindy

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk

Quote from: gingerViktorKay on October 15, 2018, 04:51:47 AM
Depression sucks and is very common with us transgendered people.

Regarding the hormones not working, there are so many options available that just about everyone has success. Hormones will work, but it can not change bones. Be patient and give it time.

I'm relatively content with my bones, I just hate my complexion... want that greasy, coarse skin to begone. I still have a libido after a month which is discouraging. I did bloodwork 2 weeks ago but my endo still hasn't gotten back to me. Initially, he said he wanted to up my dose after a month. A month has passed and he hasn't mailed me like he said he would, so I've increased my spiro dosage on my own.

Quote from: Alice (nym) on October 15, 2018, 05:17:29 AM
There are better qualified people here who can talk to you about what you are experiencing. I was warned that if I decide to transition that I would feel a sense of urgency and impatience. I've also considered the whole process like climbing a mountain... because that's what I do for 'fun'.

I say, 'fun' and I do enjoy it, despite it being exhausting and sometimes scary, but I actually started to deal with depression. I feel alive when I am out on the hills and it gives me a buzz that lasts about 3 days. It is something I find I must do every week or I sink back into depression. So perhaps take up walking and if possible try and hit the hills but as long as you are in open green spaces it will be beneficial for you. That might mean taking a trip out of an urban environment once a week. But begin with simply walking as close to a mile as you can. Do that every day for a month. Then up it to 2 miles a day. By the end of the second month it will take you no more than 20 minutes. Then do 5 miles once a week for a month. Then look to hit the hills if possible. There is no better natural release from depression. Talk to any hiker or hill/mountain climber on YouTube and they will almost all tell you a story about the need to get outdoors in order to control anxiety and depression.

I will leave the hormone talk to the people who can advise you the best... I only know what I've read. But for controlling depression, I strongly recommend getting out into open countryside. Some people like the woods, but I feel hemmed in with woodland and prefer open moorland and mountain tops, but each to their own.

You take care... people here care about you and you are not alone.

love
Alice

I do love hiking in the woods, but I don't like going by myself and my family is usually too busy to go with me. I think we're going sometime this week though. I also ride my exercise bike daily, because I know exercise is supposed to help.

Quote from: pamelatransuk on October 15, 2018, 09:15:45 AM
Hello Madison2002

First of all congratulations on starting HRT in September.

I am sorry that you felt empty before accepting yourself as trans and I can relate to that as I certainly felt depressed myself before I took action to address being transgender.

You state you are now are suffering from a different type of depression with hopelessness and sadness. You have not said whether or not you had therapy before HRT or if so, to what extent. My advice would be to contact a gender therapist (whether you have had previous counselling or not) and discuss both your depression periods and feelings therein.

I would also think that although there are no guarantees on particular aspects and timelines of HRT, you should see some progress at least emotionally if not physically, later this year.

I hope you are able to find some resolution to your state of mind at present and I wish you every success on your HRT journey.

Hugs

Pamela

I go to my therapist every 2 weeks. The only reason I went to her in the first place was to get my letter, but I don't really feel any better aside from that. She always says the only masculine thing about my face is my beard shadow, but I can't convince myself of that. I haven't had any irl friends since elementary school, because my self esteem is really low. I'm afraid to approach people because I feel too ugly, etc. I'm a completely socially retarded hermit.

Quote from: Melinda@heart on October 15, 2018, 10:03:24 AM
I'm MTF and started HRT April 30th 2018. I'm also 45 years old. I lived with depression all my life. I hid who I believed I was all of my life. It affected every relationship I ever had. No one ever knew the real me. I was closed off and kept everything bottled up. It affected every aspect of my life in some way.

I'm finally reaching the point where I realize that hiding who I am is going to kill me. I'm tired of being miserable and lonely. I did it to myself out of fear of people getting to know the real me and then rejecting me. I have come out to a few friends and so far they haven't rejected me. My next step is coming g out to my deeply conservative Christian parents. They are great parents. They are loving and supportive. I just hope they can accept what I tell them.

My point is this: You are the one who determines your future. You can hide like I did and let it affect your life and relationships or you can be you and let THAT affect your life and relationships. Both choices have consequences. Both choices might include tough times and pain. In the end you are the only one who can decide what is right for you. You may even be one of those people who can hide who they believe they should be and not have any adverse effects from it. However, reading the posts from people who suppressed who they believed themselves to be all their lives it would seem that it's just not likely.

I wish the best in whatever decision you make. Know that there are many here who empathize with you and will be here to help support whatever decision you make.

~Mindy

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk

Thanks for your support, and thanks everyone else as well.

Hi Madison!

I'm in a similar boat. I'm 23, 24 in just a couple weeks, and I haven't started HRT yet, but I am very interested in it.

However, I have felt the same kind of depression before coming out to myself, and ever since, I have not been happier. I wouldn't say I am happy, but I am definitely in a better place than I was. That's why I am worried about HRT. I'm afraid that when I start, it won't work and I won't be in a better place than I started.

Like you, I am okay with my bone structure (though I do have this naive hope that my feet will shrink a little), but I am outrageously scared that HRT won't work, and I will just have to explain to everyone what I have been taking with nothing to show.

Quote from: JannaLM on October 15, 2018, 06:15:00 PM
Hi Madison!

I'm in a similar boat. I'm 23, 24 in just a couple weeks, and I haven't started HRT yet, but I am very interested in it.

However, I have felt the same kind of depression before coming out to myself, and ever since, I have not been happier. I wouldn't say I am happy, but I am definitely in a better place than I was. That's why I am worried about HRT. I'm afraid that when I start, it won't work and I won't be in a better place than I started.

Like you, I am okay with my bone structure (though I do have this naive hope that my feet will shrink a little), but I am outrageously scared that HRT won't work, and I will just have to explain to everyone what I have been taking with nothing to show.

Thanks Janna! I hope you can start soon, and I'm glad you're feeling better. I'm pretty sure that it will work for both of us, just have to think rationally and remember that it works for the majority of people.

I actually feel much better than I did earlier today when I posted this. It's crazy how much a shower and a shave can alleviate my dysphoria sometimes. Also talking to my online friends. Though I feel like my highs are higher and my lows are lower recently. I dunno if that's from the hormones or from the antidepressant I was prescribed a few weeks ago.

Also, to the person who PMed me earlier, I tried to respond but I'm locked out, probably because I'm a new member  (I think that's a dumb rule). Sorry! I will try again after I have more posts.

Quote from: Melinda@heart on October 15, 2018, 10:03:24 AM
I lived with depression all my life. I hid who I believed I was all of my life. It affected every relationship I ever had. No one ever knew the real me. I was closed off and kept everything bottled up. It affected every aspect of my life in some way.  I'm finally reaching the point where I realize that hiding who I am is going to kill me. I'm tired of being miserable and lonely. I did it to myself out of fear of people getting to know the real me and then rejecting me.

You may even be one of those people who can hide who they believe they should be and not have any adverse effects from it. However, reading the posts from people who suppressed who they believed themselves to be all their lives it would seem that it's just not likely.

~Mindy

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk

Hello again Mindy

I just wish to say that I agree wholeheartedly on both points.

I have been depressed all my life for the reason you state above and I kept it all bottled up.

As you say, you can temporarily suppress and bury that you are transgender but it is most unwise as it never goes away and comes back with greater ferocity each time it returns. The ferocity in 2016 was so great for me that I could not rebury and had no option but to seek therapy and then HRT. I am feeling significant emotional benefit from HRT but it does take time.

Hugs

Pamela

I will soon be 46 this month i start hormones dec 2017, i am making a lot progress but to me it seems slow, i do have a therapist which is a life saver. Now i have fought depression suicide etc all my life but i was able to hide it, today i am happier but there are days i still feel down, and depressed but i try to set goals and a time frame that is realistic and stay focus on the goals, i would most definitely find a therapist if you dont already have one. I use to think no one could help me but i was wrong, she has brought me to a manageable state of mind and well being.