Quote from: Grad0507 on October 24, 2018, 10:20:18 AM
I don't relate to this article. I am signing on to have a husband AND wife. As Virginia said in Une Nouvelle Amie, he has never had to lie to me.
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To me what you describe is the way things should go, a person should be able to disclose who they are up front, or that this is something that needs to be explored during the marriage at a minimum. It is a
good thing you do not relate, that is a good sign that your SO can be open with you and that you are open to them. I wholeheartedly wish you were in such good company that you never felt even the slightest bit alone.
However, I would offer that many of us are not "lying", there is a severely strong impulse to revile parts of ourselves not accepted by society and even externalities that push us away from being ourselves. As a personal example, I expressed that I had potential gender issues to a Psychologist and after a few moments of talking with him and asking if I was likely to have issues in a marriage with a woman he told me, "have you done anything live?" I thought he meant if I had slept with a transgender person or with a man (with me being) en femme (which I have never done, my wife, other than some unfortunate incidents, is my only sexual partner), and so I said "no"; he then said "well, then you're fine, just marry someone nice and understanding". So I basically did that--but I did not properly disclose it before marriage because I thought it was more of just a fetish to be controlled--however, I was able to come out as a crossdresser shortly after our son was born. My wife was supportive, but very tenative about staying with me if I fully transitioned, so I mostly stowed the conversation until around a month ago.
Another counter I have is that past generations were far less accepting than ours, and so (even in my case) telling a fiancee or girlfriend--even when love is there--can cause the relationship to fail. And so anxiety in losing people we love is yet another brick in the wall of shame forcing us into self-imposed exile. Imagine telling someone for whom care deeply about a secret, and having them react with anger, disgust and rejection--the fear of this holds many of us back, and then when we do come forward our fears are confirmed. You and your SO have such a beautiful potential to change this, I truly am so happy for you!
I don't want to go on and on (I guess I still did, but hopefully its useful framework to thing about below?), but perhaps you can find people who had a SO transition or come out during the marriage where the cisfemale wife was able to (or even excited) to continue the marriage. I wouldn't worry too much about lying, truth is relative, especially when often our survival (or advance through society in the context of work, etc.) depends on hiding.
You and your SO, depending how "out" they are will have many of the same experiences and concerns all married couples of our experience have:
(1) economics: who works where and how much do they make; can your SO be "out" in their field and/or what are the consequences of this--I could be naive and say "people should accept me regardless", but this is not often the world, although I do hear encouraging stories,
(2) Children/Family: is your SO "out" with your and their family, are they "out" with your kids? My wife has serious concerns about development and emotional impact of me being "out" in front of our son, and so I am clandestine for now,
(3) Transition: will your SO transition, and if so what does this mean? Will they present as female part or full time, will they undergo HRT (is HRT safe? This is a huge concern for my wife), will they have feminization surgeries?--and going back to economics, how will this be paid for? Are certain jobs/insurance more accommodating?,
(4) Geography: Where will you both live? Certain states are more friendly towards us, California, Oregon, Washington, Massachusets and a few others seem good (you can google maps and review); if your SO fully transitions and changes their gender marker (it sounds like this is not on the table, but if there is any possibility its a consideration) this may require legal maneuvering in a given state, and many states have very arduous processes for facilitating this change per my understanding,
(5) Relationship Dynamics: What are the expectations for each partner in the relationship--my wife struggles with feelings that she needs to be the "Man" in the relationship; I explain to her I do not need this, I am the breadwinner and will always be, I am larger (about a foot) and will probably always be stronger; but other things like cooking (I am far better, but she has anosmia so I think that's a lot to do with it) is something I prefer to do to reduce her stress, and I try to do laundery and clean a bit, and signaling a waiter/waitress is something she is more comfortable with--I tend to be a bit too passive in that context,
(6) Safety/Living: Not knowing the extent of the potential transition of your SO, safety may be a concern (largely dependent upon geography; but this can change, e.g. will your ability to travel be curtailed--at least if your SO is en femme?), how will neighboors react, which bathrooms will be used (I know this sounds a bit ridiculous, but there are serious issues surrounding this and lots of angst and even hate driving certain groups to be very alarmist about which bathrooms transgender folk use due to concerns of sexual impropriety)--I was at disneyland yesterday with my family, presenting as male, and although I know where a few neutral bathrooms are, I often have to urinate; I began to realize that this would be much harder on my family if I am en femme because my wife cannot lift and I am not really sure which bathroom (other than family bathrooms) I should take him in--I suppose the mens if safest, but it creates an unnecessary anxiety for all of us that is more apparent and frequent than may be considered at first glance.
You have a beautiful opportunity and I am sure everyone here wishes you well--I am sure if you look you can find others with your experience--the experience which I sincerely hope becomes far more common than the stories of a husband coming out as a wife during the marriage.