Hello, so I've been seeing a psychiatrist about my gender identity lately and I feel like I am at a loss still.  I have always struggled with my gender identity since I was young but it's certainly not in a way that is clear to me. If I could have been born a girl I would have, and that doesn't feel weird to me at all because I feel that's how I was supposed to be born and would have developed as such socially. But after living as a guy for 25 years obviously I am accustomed to being as such and it almost feels weird to transition to being a female because everything from wearing female clothes, to makeup, to socializing as a women and being seen as a women in the world feels unnatural to me. Part of it i can attribute to fear but I don't know if it's all fear, and some days I'm like yea let's do this, and others I feel like I just want to stay as a guy. Did anyone else have these kind of feelings, how did you deal with them?

Yes I had those types of feelings, it's okay to be scared and want to make the right decision, it's a big change. The great thing is that you don't have to do everything at once, it's not like they zap you with a ray and poof you're a girl (though it would be awesome if that were a thing). Try to figure out what will make you feel better, you can explore yourself, try new clothes, try out makeup etc. For me I decided to try hormones because I was constantly going back and forth and I figured that would tell me one way or the other what I needed to do, and I'm happy that it did. I waited to go full time until I felt ready. This is your journey, there is no right way to do it.

I hope I've helped and not just muddied things more.

No it's fine, thanks for the reply. I guess I'm worried if i decide to transition that I won't like it, or that I made a mistake. I just find it hard to figure out what I should be feeling about making such a life changing decision.

Quote from: shawn1833 on November 09, 2018, 09:14:31 PM
No it's fine, thanks for the reply. I guess I'm worried if i decide to transition that I won't like it, or that I made a mistake. I just find it hard to figure out what I should be feeling about making such a life changing decision.

If you don't like it you can always stop. Estrogen takes months before the changes are noticeable. Don't focus on how you "should" be feeling, focus on how you feel. Growing up we often get inside our own heads and convince ourselves that we don't feel what we truly do, and instead we tell ourselves that we feel how we think we're supposed to feel. It's difficult to get out of that thought process. One thing my therapist said to me that I think is good advice is that you shouldn't worry about what labels you have, you should think about what will make you feel better.

Part of this whole process is being brutally honest with yourself.

Quote from: shawn1833 on November 09, 2018, 09:14:31 PM
No it's fine, thanks for the reply. I guess I'm worried if i decide to transition that I won't like it, or that I made a mistake. I just find it hard to figure out what I should be feeling about making such a life changing decision.

In your OP you stated that dressing, wearing make-up etc feels unnatural. That's ok since it is new. The questions is does it excite you and/or empower you in any way? People making then M-F transition have many periods of feeling uncomfortable, but those that feel strongly about it find comfort in making small steps like changes in dress, wearing make-up, etc., at home and in private. I think how you feel when you make changes in dress and appearance in private should help you decide if you want to take further steps forward. If not, it's ok.

Quote from: shawn1833 on November 09, 2018, 07:38:15 PM
Hello, so I've been seeing a psychiatrist about my gender identity lately and I feel like I am at a loss still.  I have always struggled with my gender identity since I was young but it's certainly not in a way that is clear to me. If I could have been born a girl I would have, and that doesn't feel weird to me at all because I feel that's how I was supposed to be born and would have developed as such socially. But after living as a guy for 25 years obviously I am accustomed to being as such and it almost feels weird to transition to being a female because everything from wearing female clothes, to makeup, to socializing as a women and being seen as a women in the world feels unnatural to me. Part of it i can attribute to fear but I don't know if it's all fear, and some days I'm like yea let's do this, and others I feel like I just want to stay as a guy. Did anyone else have these kind of feelings, how did you deal with them?

Anything new to you, any skill, any new hobby, any job, all of these things don't seem natural to you at first. I was where you are now. So much seemed foreign, but it doesn't stay that way. If you get experiences with people regarding you as a woman, how does it feel? For me, it felt wonderful. I couldn't get enough of that. If it doesn't appeal to you, then I would be more doubtful.  Don't let the unfamiliarity of things scare you. You learn things a little at a time. Before you know it, it's no big deal.
The question I would ask when you want to stay a guy is, "Am I wanting this for reasons of safety or am I wanting to be a guy cause I want to do guy stuff, be a guy?"

Gender expression is not gender identity. I'm non-binary, I present as a woman, but I don't fully identify that way. Keep an open mind, and as stated above, be completely honest with yourself.

Hugs, Devlyn

I think everyone has already said everything I would've said. I will just add what I was told by the wonderful people who I chat to daily and have helped me immensely... It is natural to have doubts because you are making a major decision in your life that will change it forever. If you don't have doubts then that is when something might be wrong.

I wake up some days thinking 'What am I doing?' other times I am full of guilt and shame because of what this will do to my family. But I know that when I go to the local trans group, I come back on a high. I have very little money but over the last 2 months I've managed to put a very simply outfit together, the first set of female clothes I've had in 8 years. And I felt great wearing them... shaved my body for the first time in 8 years and got rid of my beard (requested by my wife), and again I felt great. Each step towards my true self gives me a buzz. That's all I need to keep going.

When I have the doubts, I explore them... why am I having those doubts... and then I look at the positives and how it makes me feel happy to continue.

I hope that helps... but honestly the other posts cover it perfectly

love
Alice

I can relate.  Sometimes I feel like there is liitle desire to continue with my mtf transition, and other days I feel a great amount of dysphoria that I am not living as a woman as I think I should be.

But I do like being male and female.  Sometimes I think I am not gender fluid but instead gender phony.  Maybe I just want the best of both the female and male "worlds."   I have big doubts that walking that fine line can last forever.

I advise gender therapy.  That would be wise.

You should also be medically supervised if you ever do mtf HRT.  You also need to be very aware of changes that will or will not happen should you go that route.  You could stop taking them if you start, work with your physician.  I have no experience with medicine HRT but many here have, so read prior posts and ask new questions.

You could also go the phytoestrogen route, but you must be safe and do not take any of the bad herbs and plants, etc. as warned against on this Web site in the HRT topic area.  Even with the phytoE route, you still should be medically safe and work with a physician.  Even herbs and some foods can be bad or not advised to use with some medicines that you may need to take.  Be informed, medically supervised, and careful. 

If I remember correctly, I think that Devlyn here went the phytoE route with great results but eventually went the regular HRT route.  My phytoE results are noticeble but not impressive as what can be accomplished by most with medicine HRT.  Everyone is different, that is for sure.

I think what you are going through is not unusual and a good therapist can be of great assistance to you.  The replies you already received are very thoughtful. 

Chrissy

Quote from: ChrissyRyan on November 10, 2018, 05:46:58 AM
I can relate.  Sometimes I feel like there is liitle desire to continue with my mtf transition, and other days I feel a great amount of dysphoria that I am not living as a woman as I think I should be.

But I do like being male and female.  Sometimes I think I am not gender fluid but instead gender phony.  Maybe I just want the best of both the female and male "worlds."   I have big doubts that walking that fine line can last forever.

I advise gender therapy.  That would be wise.

You should also be medically supervised if you ever do mtf HRT.  You also need to be very aware of changes that will or will not happen should you go that route.  You could stop taking them if you start, work with your physician.  I have no experience with medicine HRT but many here have, so read prior posts and ask new questions.

You could also go the phytoestrogen route, but you must be safe and do not take any of the bad herbs and plants, etc. as warned against on this Web site in the HRT topic area.  Even with the phytoE route, you still should be medically safe and work with a physician.  Even herbs and some foods can be bad or not advised to use with some medicines that you may need to take.  Be informed, medically supervised, and careful. 

If I remember correctly, I think that Devlyn here went the phytoE route with great results but eventually went the regular HRT route.  My phytoE results are noticeble but not impressive as what can be accomplished by most with medicine HRT.  Everyone is different, that is for sure.

I think what you are going through is not unusual and a good therapist can be of great assistance to you.  The replies you already received are very thoughtful. 

Chrissy

Yes, I achieved all of my physical changes with herbals before switching to prescription HRT when I got health insurance. Here's what can be achieved.



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