Sounds normal to me too. I've been battling internal fear all week. I know who I am, I know what I want, but it doesn't stop me being absolutely terrified. It is like stepping out of an airplane on your first ever parachute jump. You know it will be the experience of a lifetime, you know that you will love it, but it doesn't stop it being scary as hell taking that step.
It is a major life change that will affect every part of our lives. It is natural to be apprehensive about that kind of major change. I wish I could tell you how to overcome the fear because I have not worked it out yet. Finding a local trans-group helps a lot. Visiting here regularly helps a lot. Knowing you are not alone helps a lot. But ultimately we need to see that therapist/psychiatrist... if for nothing else but to give us a sense of legitimacy that we can use to support ourselves going forward.
After a lot of reading and talking to people I came to the conclusion that I ultimately have 2 choices... 1) try and cope with the dysphoria and stress of being male, or 2) transition. I know that transitioning isn't going to solve all the problems, I will be replacing one set of stresses with another set, but will I be happy within myself? It is a difficult choice... neither option is ideal and it is just a question of the lesser of two evils. I believe I would be happier with option 2 but that comes with anxiety of whether I look ok, will I be clocked, how will I cope with the prejudice, will I be called names etc. Over time those things will lessen as I become more natural. Meanwhile option 1, the dysphoria and stress will keep on increasing and getting worse. So, yes, option 2 is going to be tough and hard but there is light at the end, while option 1 just leads to despair. Sadly, there isn't an option 3 which is some sort of treatment to make it all go away and leave me a cis man... despite what the haters say. You can try low dose estrogen which will help but it is just a bandaid, it is not a cure.
The best advice is talk to a therapist... but here in the UK that's a long waiting list unless you've got £500 to see someone privately.
In the meanwhile here's a *hug* to cheer you up.
Hang in there and you will sort it out in time. But don't be worried about the fear... that's natural.
love
Alice
