I'm think I'm finally getting to the point that it's too much. Too much pain, too much struggle...just too much stuff that goes through my mind at the same time. I don't know, one would think that maybe having wrong genitals and because of them having no social and sexual life would be enough hardship for one person to take, but no. Apparently no. Much more.

You know, I'm getting to the point that it's too much stress and worries and no pleasure at all. I don't feel any excitement anymore. I mean, on top of all the stuff that's already on my mind, I also got humans being incredibly unreliable. You think you have a friend but uh, no. The person used me and lied to me creating a situation that destroyed me inside. And then what did I find? Yet another one of those people you can't trust. Are there any human beings you can trust? I don't know.

What happens next is that I'm lonely in every way a person can be, I have no sexual life at all, no social life at all, very few friends I honestly don't know how friendly they really are...it's just nothing pleasurable enough. I realize that everybody has their demons to fight but this is too much and right now I don't know rather I wanna keep going like this. All I am is a useless piece of trash nobody wants around. What do you do with a piece of trash? You throw it away. Here I am. Thrown away. I nearly jumped out of the window a few moments ago...I just don't know that I won't do it. In the mean time I'll be drunk so I don't have to think. I wish I could be high.

Hi dany,

It sounds like your socially isolated with no friends. I've been there, where it seems where nobody gives a ->-bleeped-<-. Well, some of, like moi, are here to say least chat/message online. Yes, most of us are trsnsgender and I would say 1 in 50-100,000 in my area are transgender like me. Long odds, even for a town like l.a., in the burbs. I'd say, dont do it. Chat with us, give us from day to day to get at least one response.

Lucia,

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

Dear Dany,

I know when I'm feeling the way you are, (and I have for most of my life), that nothing anyone says matters. However, I want you to know that there are some of us who understand. We have been where you are now. And some how, some way, we  found a way through it and are here today. There were many times I planned my own demise, but I always stopped myself. I'm not sure why to be honest. Most of the time I guess I thought about someone who was dear to me. Like my Mom and Dad. I just couldn't handle the thought of what it would do to them.

I still struggle with depression, but I decided to make some changes in my life to help me overcome it once and for all. I have few friends nowadays. I stay at home and play computer games because I'm very uncomfortable on crowded places. I cant give you advice on making friends. I'm too introverted to make many now. But...  I had one friend who I decided to reach out to after a long time of not really talking. She was actually excited I texted her. What I didn't know is that she struggled with the same social anxiety I did!

There is someone, somewhere that you have had an impact on. You may not realize it but it's TRUE. Maybe that someone is just waiting for someone to reach out to them in their darkest hour. I hope you find peace. I hope you find joy. I hope you find a reason to live.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk

Quote from: Melinda@heart on December 15, 2018, 08:13:46 PM
Dear Dany,

I know when I'm feeling the way you are, (and I have for most of my life), that nothing anyone says matters. However, I want you to know that there are some of us who understand. We have been where you are now. And some how, some way, we  found a way through it and are here today. There were many times I planned my own demise, but I always stopped myself. I'm not sure why to be honest. Most of the time I guess I thought about someone who was dear to me. Like my Mom and Dad. I just couldn't handle the thought of what it would do to them.

I still struggle with depression, but I decided to make some changes in my life to help me overcome it once and for all. I have few friends nowadays. I stay at home and play computer games because I'm very uncomfortable on crowded places. I cant give you advice on making friends. I'm too introverted to make many now. But...  I had one friend who I decided to reach out to after a long time of not really talking. She was actually excited I texted her. What I didn't know is that she struggled with the same social anxiety I did!

There is someone, somewhere that you have had an impact on. You may not realize it but it's TRUE. Maybe that someone is just waiting for someone to reach out to them in their darkest hour. I hope you find peace. I hope you find joy. I hope you find a reason to live.

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk

I just wanted to say I fell really sad reading your post.  I've been there (Depression) and want to urge you to talk to someone expert in dealing with it.  I was a complete and total mess.  I was lucky to have had a doctor who was good at dealing with depression and anxiety.  While finding a therapist that I synced up with well took a few tries I did find one and its made a world of difference.  Hang on! 

Hi Dany,

Things may never get any better for you. But if you aren't around, then there is zero chance of an improvement.

So you could be cheating yourself of a future you can't even imagine right now.

I am a big believer in the power of telephone counselling. Talking to an actual human is way more powerful than typing at a keyboard.

I would encourage you to find out the telephone counselling services in your area. Even if it is not LGBT+ specific (and the counsellor is not up to speed on the trans experience) it is better than nothing.

~Dee

@Dany , things can change.  I was where you are at almost 2 years ago.  I was alone, and had been kicked pretty hard by people I looked up to and thought could be trusted.  That put me in a very dark place.  I did eventually make friends out in the real world, and connected with a few folks I knew from here and other social and support groups.  Things got better.  A year after I was sure I would be alone for the rest of my life, I even managed to fall in love.

None of us knows how our story will turn out, but if we close the book on it before the end, well, we will never know what could have been, and we won't have whatever experiences the future once held for us.  It's a poor outcome, and there are no do-overs.

I chose not to sacrifice myself because I made others slightly uncomfortable, but to live, and grab whatever came my way.  I've been constantly surprised by what happens to me now, more good than bad, and I'm not going to give up.

As many here have said, talk to someone about this. A good counselor, preferably someone with trans experience, is a fantastic resource to have in life.  I have a therapist who is really good at getting me to look at my problems clearly and consider things I tend to avoid, and that has been a blessing in my life.  Try it.

Dany - I hope you are out there reading.  I am old. well pretty old.  You know how it seems like old people think they know everything - well there is a reason for that.  They have lived most of it already.

Right now I am feeling pretty much like you.  I am mostly at peace (not quite but close) regarding being trans and my transition.  But there is more to life than just gender.

I am not going to detail my life issues other than to say I feel like you do right now.

But the benefit of my experience lets me know that things change.  They really do.  I have been in great situations and I have been in horrible ones.  But I guarantee nothing stays the same. NOTHING.

You will rebound, and fall again.  This is a difficult time.  Better times are coming.  I don't know when but I know they will.  Then the next time things get tough you will know they will get better again.

Don't give up on yourself.

Dany,
I've been in your shoes many times in my life. It breaks my heart to read the pain in your words. I know kind words, words of support from others are meaningless when we're in a dark place but, you're not alone. Things will get better if you persevere, never give up. 25 years ago I was in my darkest of times, suicidal, alcoholic, lost everything, I was in and out of psychiatric units & rehabs. Alcohol was killing me. I knew it and I didn't care because there was no light, no hope, no tomorrow or so I thought. Had I of committed suicide or drank myself to death back then I wouldn't be here today, sober 25 years, transitioning, happily married, and writing to you. Stop drinking and seek help. Alcohol only procrastinates and complicates problems as well as emotions. You need to speak with some one. Don't give up!

Em....

Well, I sure hope things will indeed change for the better cause I'm kind of tired, you know. All my life I've been rejected by everybody and this hasn't changed a bit. It just makes me feel like I'm some kind of monster, some ugly thing nobody wants around. Here I am without a single friend left, without a boyfriend...don't have anybody to talk to at all. I do have friends it's just that they're not..human. Every single dog and cat in the neighborhood and even the ducks at the park. The incredible thing about them is...that...THEY DON'T JUDGE YOU! YEEEEEEEES! MAAAAAAAAAN! I could go greet the dogs in a beautiful day and not a single one will judge me! Not the cats or the ducks or any of them. See, that's the problem with people. I feel I can't trust people anymore, is all. You can trust a tiger even but not a person because the less you expect, that person will be attacking you in the most cowardly way you can imagine.

Dany
There are many people in this world wo are good and who you can trust.  I live alone with my dog for many years now, but because of the dog, i have made many good friends who also love animals.  I know that I can trust them, and they know that they can trust me.  Several of my friends (all female) have basically adopted me and help me to become a woman!

You just have to get out, and mingle and find those real good friends, they are out there and are waiting for you!

Quote from: Dietlind on December 17, 2018, 09:34:57 PM
Dany
There are many people in this world wo are good and who you can trust.  I live alone with my dog for many years now, but because of the dog, i have made many good friends who also love animals.  I know that I can trust them, and they know that they can trust me.  Several of my friends (all female) have basically adopted me and help me to become a woman!

You just have to get out, and mingle and find those real good friends, they are out there and are waiting for you!

I can't remember the book title but it was some Science fiction book where a couple of kids from planet earth were spokesman for the human race.  The all powerful  "galactic overlords" asked if anyone would speak for the earth people and the thought was "Who would?   The conclusion was Cats?  Maybe.   Dogs?  For sure."  I thought at the time that they needed my cat who I felt would be a good advocate and of course any of the dogs that lived with my family. 

Humor aside I think that Dogs are quite good at judging people.  If someone is not a dog (or cat) person?  They are highly suspect.

Dear Dany.

You are not alone. I have been in that dark place too. Even with family and friends around I thought I was all alone. I isolated and was deeply depressed. Almost killed myself twice. I got a "vacation" at the closed psych ward for some months.

What I want you to know is alcohol makes it all worse. I was a heavy drinker. Tried to escape my life. I combined alcohol with morphine. It's a dangerous path to walk.

I did not trust anyone. I isolated from people.  I even lied to my psychologist. I did not trust her. I told her I was not suicidal. She was in a chock when I was admitted to closed ward.

Reach out your hand. People will help if they know how you feel. Try an online/phone counseling, maybe then you will get energy and courage to seek in person counseling?

Depression has no age or gender. All people are effected. You are not alone in this battle for your life. We are all here for you and some of us have fought the depression, some of us are still fighting.

When you are ready to quit alcohol, I can recommend AA. I found great support there. Noone judged me in any way. We were all there for the same reason. Even after my first suicide attempt, noone said anything judgemental about it. I was among friends and people who understood me and my situation.

Grab a tight grip of life and know that it's depression talking and makes you think you are all alone. You need help to get through this. There is nothing wrong with asking for help.

My son has been depressed for many years. He is a teenager. I just lend him an ear and give him a hug when life is tough. There is no absolute solusion to give. Depression takes time and you need other people (like a therapist) to get through it.

I hope you see how many we are here who care for you. You are not alone.


Tony