Another week and I'm still a believer, a believer in me, accepting my true self. It hasn't been easy, I'll tell you, and, man-oh-man, everything is moving at light speed. That is uncomfortable.
So, what happened. Well, I went back to work; that was good because now I'm out of the house for credible reasons as opposed to disappearing for the day to lead my double life. I was shopping and, yes, I didn't want to stay home and do nothing over the holidays. What I have learned this week and need to integrate is that I am leading a double life. I think this has to be a usual experience for trans people who have recently come out. So, Zoey, don't get hung up, don't get mad or hurt when people point out that you are leading a double life, because, you are. That's okay.
What else ... I had dinner with a lovely trans woman. It was amazing to hear first hand someone else's story, to meet someone in person from my new and loving community. First, I asked her which pronouns she would like me to use. She has gone by they/them in past but is now getting comfortable with she/her; use either was her response. I have to say, however, my own homophobic bias bit me in the ass, quietly, when I said hello and she responded with a distinctively deep male voice. I wasn't expecting that. I was ashamed because I knew better and that is how engrained society's bias towards trans people is embedded deep within me. It's a silent killer. I know better. By the end of the dinner, my new friend was just another interesting person, who is smart, thoughtful, outspoken, and is living her reality as she defines it, not by someone else's vision. I saw her beyond her being a trans woman. I was glad to get a hug at the end of the dinner as we said good night. That felt really nice.
The dinner reaffirmed that every trans person's experience is unique, so, Zoey, don't get hung up on your deeply embedded patriarchal bias. Recognize this bias exists and work hard to push it aside. You know better and, remember, you will experience the same homophobic response from others so be ready to hear that and to educate people as required.
On the divorce front, I found an absolutely amazing 1,000 square foot suite, furnished, nicely appointed with a gourmet kitchen, for which I am finalizing a lease agreement for less the $2,000 CAD per month. In Vancouver, this is spectacular; right place, right timing. I saw the property yesterday, applied on-line last night, got a call a 10:30 am this morning and had to make a decision to take the property all within less than 24 hours. My brother is loaning me cash so I can secure the suite because capital is currently tied up in RRSPs. Wow, that was fast!!!
My spouse doesn't know yet about the suite and that is a Saturday discussion. It is actually nicer is many respects that our home! I have an appointment with a family lawyer on Monday. We have not told the kids about the separation, me moving out, or the eventual divorce. My spouse and I need a joint plan of action before we tell the kids, so I'm anticipating more difficult discussions over the next few days.
Then there is the trans elephant in the room ... I still need to come out to my kids, but I want to ensure the divorce and my trans acceptance are dealt with separately and not conflate the two issues, nothwithstanding they are related. I just believe it will be too much disruption and change for the kids to tell them both issues at the same time.
More negotiations. More hurdles. More stress.
I am so thank you to be able to share my feelings, thoughts, and experiences with all of you. Thank you, sisters and brothers, for your support. Luv u all!
Hugs Zoey xoxoxo
