I'm a 42 year old AMAB who's been questioning for the past 22 or so months. For the last year I've just been stuck trying to get beyond thinking that maybe I'm trans. I just can't get to a point where I'm sufficiently confident enough to conclude that I am indeed trans, and then do whatever I need to after that.

So, just thinking about this stuff has ceased to be productive. I already regularly epilate most of my body hair and often cross-dress in the privacy of my home, but it just doesn't seem to really make me feel any different, although I still feel compelled to keep doing it. Decades of depression and social anxiety are probably part of the reason that I don't know what I'm truly feeling.

I think that I just simply need to start making very subtle and incremental changes to my day-to-day presentation, and see what this does for me. The trouble is that in the office I work, the slightest thing could easily raise suspicion, and I want to avoid accidentally outing myself at this stage.

What is there that I can try without much risk of being noticed? I've seen suggestions elsewhere of under dressing, applying clear nail polish to finger nails, regularly using moisturiser, but what else is there? I'm already thinking about seeing if I can get away with growing out my hair, but that might be pushing my luck.

Any other ideas?

Yes, a gender therapist would be great, but that's not an option in the short-term, courtesy of the glacial GIC referral process in the UK...

Go private for gender therapist and HRT. You will learn a lot. If you dont like it or discover cross dressing is enough- then just stop.

I personally took that approach.

Kind regards, Kirsten.


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You could paint your toenails, I used to do that. Sitting when you pee is an easy one. You could also start carrying a man-purse, I did that early on, but I lived in Europe at the time so it wasn't that uncommon. You can use women's deodorant. You can try tighter clothing as well.

Just a few random suggestions.

Also have a look at "The Transition Channel" on YouTube. Its loaded with pre- transition ideas.

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Yes, consider going private.  You may find better options that may be within your ability to pay.
While expensive, it can be empowering to take charge of your situation, instead of accepting what the government will provide.  How much is worth to be able to stop waiting around patiently for your turn?

I'll be honest.  In today's climate there is not a lot one can get away with.  With transgender issues being in the news so much people will notice even slight changes that transgress the gender binary.

Quote from: Janes Groove on December 27, 2018, 11:24:17 PM
I'll be honest.  In today's climate there is not a lot one can get away with.  With transgender issues being in the news so much people will notice even slight changes that transgress the gender binary.

That is not my experience. Prior to transition, I wore mascara nearly every day at work for 30 years and never once had a single comment from anyone. Except for a few shirts, I have not owned any "male" clothing, and for probably 20 years have worn essentially only women's clothing, and not one person has ever made any comment. For a couple years a while back, I wore long fingernails. I had a few people ask about it, but I just said I liked them. When I pierced my ears, not one person at work said anything at all about it.

In short, I think you can "get away with" almost anything, and almost no one will say anything...

As for whether ANY of that will help with GD or any other aspect of your mental health, I would not bet on it...

Kate

Your frustration with the healthcare system is warranted, but you'll never see a therapist if you don't get the process started. Better late than never, as the saying goes.

The great thing about our society is we get to decide what to do with the money we make.  I could buy a dozen bras if I wanted, or fly across the country to get some great tacos and meet some friends.  If you are here figuring out your gender identity is more important that clothes or a vacation.

Is dieting an option for making your appearance more feminine?  Belly fat is usually a gender tell.

Training your voice to pass as female on the phone is something that you could learn on you own without the expense of a therapist.

These are some ideas for subtle changes at work:

You could use "feminine" flowery scented bath soaps and washes.
Dress androgynously.
Polish your nails with a polishing block or board.
Perhaps you can grow out your hair.


Chrissy

Quote from: Confuzled on December 27, 2018, 09:32:27 PM
I'm a 42 year old AMAB who's been questioning for the past 22 or so months. For the last year I've just been stuck trying to get beyond thinking that maybe I'm trans. I just can't get to a point where I'm sufficiently confident enough to conclude that I am indeed trans, and then do whatever I need to after that.

Yes, a gender therapist would be great, but that's not an option in the short-term, courtesy of the glacial GIC referral process in the UK...

Hello Confuzled and Welcome to Susans.

I am also from UK and only decided to take positive action by therapy and then HRT in 2017 aged 62.

For both I registered as a private patient with GenderGP and I confirm they offer an excellent service for Transgender matters. I have great admiration for our UK NHS but unfortunately it is inadequately funded for Transgender care.

I wish you every success whatever options you choose to take.

Hugs

Pamela

I'm only presenting as female outside of work, at work I try to aim for a more andro look until I feel ready to go full-time.

These are the things I 'get away with'**:

- women's underwear and pantyhose if the weather gets colder
- only women's clothing, of course nothing really fancy, but if anyone takes a closer look they can see they are not male clothes
- only women's shoes, same as clothes, nothing fancy, mostly more elegant leather sneakers, some with hidden 2.5 inch wedge heels
- long, dyed hair, at the moment mostly to cover gray hair but people must have noticed that gray hair just vanishes from my head from time to time...
- longer than usual(for males) and shaped nails, painted with clear nail polish, toes painted with colored nail polish(not visible)
- no facial hair and mostly no hair anywhere on my body but only my arms are visible at work
- carefully shaped eyebrows so they look a little better


**: getting away with it means that people don't bring up these things but they are not stupid or blind either so I'm sure they know something is up

There are quite a lot of male fails, people, who don't know me often assume that I'm a female even when I'm not really trying to present as one, but as I wrote above, I'm not going for the male look either in these cases, so that's understandable.

Quote from: KatieP on December 28, 2018, 12:27:39 AM
For a couple years a while back, I wore long fingernails. I had a few people ask about it, but I just said I liked them. When I pierced my ears, not one person at work said anything at all about it.

In short, I think you can "get away with" almost anything, and almost no one will say anything...
Kate

I agree, I wear extended colored nails and three ear rings in each ear. And I present as male all the time, well 99.9% of the time.

So HRT is destroying my nails, delamination is best way to describe. Is there a way to get away with acrylics of a modest length/ and clear coated?

Quote from: Jaime320 on December 28, 2018, 02:53:08 PM
So HRT is destroying my nails, delamination is best way to describe. Is there a way to get away with acrylics of a modest length/ and clear coated?

Yes absolutely! Do a google map search of nail salons in your area, and read the reviews. Or try Yelp. I have finally found a salon within 20 minutes of me that does wonderful nails. I tried about 4 places before I found it.

Oh, and you should try biotin supplements.

Quote from: BlueJaye on December 28, 2018, 06:24:30 AM
Your frustration with the healthcare system is warranted, but you'll never see a therapist if you don't get the process started. Better late than never, as the saying goes.

Is a therapist required in the UK for HRT?  In Ontario, Canada, where I live, it's informed consent.  I asked my doctor about feminizing hormones and was referred to an endocrinologist.  My appointment is in April.

QuoteI have finally found a salon within 20 minutes of me that does wonderful nails.

Mine's across the street from my home.  They do excellent work.

Quote from: GordonG on December 28, 2018, 03:15:48 PM
Yes absolutely! Do a google map search of nail salons in your area, and read the reviews. Or try Yelp. I have finally found a salon within 20 minutes of me that does wonderful nails. I tried about 4 places before I found it.

Oh, and you should try biotin supplements.

@GordonG @AnneK

Thanks for tip. Salons not a problem, have been going with clear natural for years. Just don't know what to ask for, or if even possible to get a natural looking fake nail. One salon is out due to communication issues they've cut nails off twice now.

Quote from: Lynne on December 28, 2018, 09:00:37 AM
I'm only presenting as female outside of work, at work I try to aim for a more andro look until I feel ready to go full-time.

These are the things I 'get away with'**:

- women's underwear and pantyhose if the weather gets colder
- only women's clothing, of course nothing really fancy, but if anyone takes a closer look they can see they are not male clothes
- only women's shoes, same as clothes, nothing fancy, mostly more elegant leather sneakers, some with hidden 2.5 inch wedge heels
- long, dyed hair, at the moment mostly to cover gray hair but people must have noticed that gray hair just vanishes from my head from time to time...
- longer than usual(for males) and shaped nails, painted with clear nail polish, toes painted with colored nail polish(not visible)
- no facial hair and mostly no hair anywhere on my body but only my arms are visible at work
- carefully shaped eyebrows so they look a little better

Hi, I agree with the items listed above. I haven't shaped my eyebrows but wear makeup regularly when I am out of my house. I also wear women's boots at times, unique jewelry and I love scarves, so there are a few "tells" when I in the city.

Zoey

Quote from: AnneK on December 28, 2018, 03:40:23 PM
Is a therapist required in the UK for HRT?  In Ontario, Canada, where I live, it's informed consent.  I asked my doctor about feminizing hormones and was referred to an endocrinologist.  My appointment is in April.

Hello again Anne

GenderGP in UK is virtually Informed Consent in that the HRT is under Informed Consent but they insist on brief therapy before HRT which may be only one or two sessions.

Hugs

Pamela