Almost 2 years ago, I met an amazing trans woman. (I am a cis pansexual woman.) A friendship turned into a romance - despite a few challenges: intense careers, both of us having coparenting struggles from previous relationships and living in different cities. We certainly had intense mutual attraction and feelings for each other.
She came out several years ago and has gone through ups and downs with HRT. Overall though, she's been in a pretty solid place regarding her gender, but definitely felt dysphoric about her face. Last year, while I was visiting her, she told me that she was seriously pursuing FFS. A few months later, during another visit together, she told me had chosen a surgeon and had a date set. I was overjoyed for her. What a monumental step! I view her as someone who always puts other needs above her own. To me, FFS is a beautiful act of self-love, a declaration that she wants to be alive, to exist as more fully as who she is inside, to bring her internal vision of herself into alignment with who she sees in the mirror. I was vocal about my enthusiastic support for her.
Having lost her marriage a few years ago, a truly devastating loss during transition, she admitted that pursuing FFS while in a fairly new romantic relationship with me was terrifying. She said, "I can't bear for anyone to love me, or even like me, right now. I just want to be alone." So we decided to end our romantic relationship and remain friends. Since last that in-person conversation, there would be several weeks where I wouldn't hear from her. I wrote her a few letters to tell her I was still thinking of her and still cared. I have been broken-hearted but ultimately understood that she needed to go this alone. I have since dated casually, but no one compares to her.
Recently, we've been in touch again. Nothing overtly romantic, but some little hints from her. During the lead up to her surgery, we talked daily. I continued to express my support and I sent her books to read while she recovered that I knew she would enjoy. Two hours after she was out of surgery, she let me know she was doing well and we continued to communicate through her immediate post-op period. My hope is that we can re-ignite our romance sometime in the future, now that she has accomplished this major step. She will be in my city for work in the spring. I have not broached this topic with her because I want her to focus on her recovery right now. However, I can't help but wonder. Am I crazy to think there is a possibility of romantic connection again?
