We had my best friend over for dinner, and BlueStar gave her the Coming Out Letter. I knew that my friend was accepting of trans people. I was surprised that she thought that transgender people were one sex, and only trying to act like another sex; she didn't differentiate between cross dressing and transitioning. I'm glad that BlueStar's letter explained the differences.

Next, I'm looking forward to telling my kids. They're all living near each other now, so it will be relatively easy to tell them all at once in person. Soon, I hope.

I'm glad we're near the bottom of the list. I'm tired of dead-naming and misgendering my sweetheart.

Big hugs to you both.  You give me hope.

Emma

Quote from: Moonflower on January 08, 2019, 06:37:34 PM
We had my best friend over for dinner, and BlueStar gave her the Coming Out Letter. I knew that my friend was accepting of trans people. I was surprised that she thought that transgender people were one sex, and only trying to act like another sex; she didn't differentiate between cross dressing and transitioning. I'm glad that BlueStar's letter explained the differences.

Quotefrom what I understand the majority of coming out stories are met with compassion and understanding. The few that have a horrific reaction to their coming out have sad stories to tell. Those stories create fear, uncertainty in those going thru these life style changes. My heat breaks for those who lose everything by being honest about who they are.

Next, I'm looking forward to telling my kids. They're all living near each other now, so it will be relatively easy to tell them all at once in person. Soon, I hope.

QuoteWow! I wish you the best and pray that it goes well for you both when the right moment comes to unveil Beth.

I'm glad we're near the bottom of the list. I'm tired of dead-naming and misgendering my sweetheart.

Quote from: Emma1017 on January 08, 2019, 07:54:53 PM
Big hugs to you both.  You give me hope.

Emma

Thank you Emma for the hugs. I'm so sad that the site outage hit when you were going through a hard time. I'm sending hope and peace to you. May you breathe easily, knowing that where you are is where you need to be.

Quote from: HappyMoni on December 02, 2018, 08:18:25 AM
Never say never, right, but I would say it gets used up faster in women's rooms. You don't look for it as often as half the  time guys go to the urinal. In my defense it was a heightened trauma (term used in humor) as I had never walked into a stall before and thought, "Oh man, I need to take all my clothes off to do this!" lol Then realizing people were elbowing each other in this giant human chain trying to get to the last  few precious sheets. I realized I had truly landed on the planet Venus. This is the consequence of GCS for you girls looking toward it, taking that one piece off to pee and there being no TP. No more 'shake shake and done.' Think about it, ah... or stash a few sheets in your purse, I guess! Well now I just feel silly!

DramaMoni

I always use the flushable wipes now... you can always have some with you—I wondered how women went to the bathroom in rompers...now I bet it's like your one piece experience! I think bathrooms are designed poorly in general as it relates to women but that's another discussion...

Quote from: Moonflower on January 08, 2019, 06:37:34 PM
We had my best friend over for dinner, and BlueStar gave her the Coming Out Letter. I knew that my friend was accepting of trans people. I was surprised that she thought that transgender people were one sex, and only trying to act like another sex; she didn't differentiate between cross dressing and transitioning. I'm glad that BlueStar's letter explained the differences.

Next, I'm looking forward to telling my kids. They're all living near each other now, so it will be relatively easy to tell them all at once in person. Soon, I hope.

I'm glad we're near the bottom of the list. I'm tired of dead-naming and misgendering my sweetheart.

Hi Grace,
   I was wondering if you have gotten to tell the kids yet. It's been a while since you wrote this.

Athena,
   FYI I work in a place that uses many wipes. We have been told not to flush the flushables  as they do clog up the plumbing. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the bathroom, darn!

Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on January 30, 2019, 01:33:07 PM
Hi Grace,
   I was wondering if you have gotten to tell the kids yet. It's been a while since you wrote this.

Nope. Still no plan to.  We'll be seeing all 3 of them at the end of this month. That will be hard on me, to dead-name and misgender her, but I can't out her until she's ready. I'm looking forward to hearing their responses, but they have a family member who has given us all a taste of hell at the slightest provocation, and we're not ready to find out what that might be like this time around.

Then, a couple weeks later, a friend wants Beth (as Beth) and me to celebrate her birthday with a couple who has a trans grandchild. They are is doing a lot of research to answer their questions about this situation that is surprising them. For the party, Beth is considering wearing a dress in public for the first time! The wig that we ordered for her should be here by then.

Speaking of hair, I've been applying egg whites and oils to her hair and scalp. I'm learning how to take care of her curly brittle hair, and her scalp's bare area on top. I'm coaxing the curls back, and new growth is filling in. Hooray!

Quote
Athena,
   FYI I work in a place that uses many wipes. We have been told not to flush the flushables  as they do clog up the plumbing. Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the bathroom, darn!

Speaking of wipes, I wound up in a stall with no toilet paper, and no one else in the bathroom. I waited for someone to come in, and then I remembered what I learned here at Susan's. I retrieved the tissues that I learned to put in my purse for such an occasion. Thanks to everyone here who inspired me.

No, I did not flush the tissue, but used the little trash can on the wall.   

Quote from: Moonflower on February 05, 2019, 07:15:17 PM

Nope. Still no plan to.  We'll be seeing all 3 of them at the end of this month. That will be hard on me, to dead-name and misgender her, but I can't out her until she's ready. I'm looking forward to hearing their responses, but they have a family member who has given us all a taste of hell at the slightest provocation, and we're not ready to find out what that might be like this time around.

I hope that you have a chance to apprise them before anything happens. Controlling the initial 'out' gives you the chance to do it your way ... her way.

Quote
Then, a couple weeks later, a friend wants Beth (as Beth) and me to celebrate her birthday with a couple who has a trans grandchild. They are is doing a lot of research to answer their questions about this situation that is surprising them. For the party, Beth is considering wearing a dress in public for the first time! The wig that we ordered for her should be here by then.

YAY!! can I have pictures?

Quote
Speaking of hair, I've been applying egg whites and oils to her hair and scalp. I'm learning how to take care of her curly brittle hair, and her scalp's bare area on top. I'm coaxing the curls back, and new growth is filling in. Hooray!

Isn't that awesome? I have a small 'widows peak', now the receding parts are trying to fill in



I miss our email chats

Quote from: Faith on February 06, 2019, 05:31:52 AM
I hope that you have a chance to apprise them before anything happens. Controlling the initial 'out' gives you the chance to do it your way ... her way.

Yes, her way is my way

Quote
YAY!! can I have pictures? :DIsn't that awesome? I have a small 'widows peak', now the receding parts are trying to fill in

I've been trying to get her out every day, and each time, we attempt a photo shoot, but my migraines keep interfering. She is looking so beautiful as her alter ego recedes, and her hair is lively.

Quote
I miss our email chats

Me too.
My dear Faith, I have been working so hard on beating my migraines, I have socially isolated myself. I look forward to when I can return to my precious friends to interact again. Thank you for your patience.

Moonflower YOU ROCK !!  You and Beth are two very fortunate people and I am glad you have each other.  OMG I am actually tearing up.  I am such a romantic. 

Sweet KimOct, hooray for romance! May you find yourself soaking some up soon! It is my life-breath. Beth is my life-breath.

Visit With My 3 Kids

Oldest

During a conversation with my kids this past week, one referred to a meme that was unfamiliar to me, with the caption, "It's Ma'am!" My oldest explained that a "->-bleeped-<-" was at a cashier's counter, wearing a dress, and the cashier referred to her as, "Sir." Thus, the meme. My eldest concluded, with impatience, that when someone makes a choice like that, they have to expect such things. Rage swelled in me, that she would dare to be so bigoted and noncompassionate, but I was barely recovering from a migraine, so did not perpetuate the conversation opportunity, and the subject changed.

Middle

My son said at one point that if he hiked a rough mountain trail, and when he got to the summit, he discovered a lot of people there because there was a car road to the top, his hiking effort would be wasted. I questioned him about this, and he insisted that his effort would be wasted. Completely. He saw no value in hiking a rough trail unless the destination was somewhere that few people can ever get to. I finally conceded that maybe he saw it that way because he's a stereotypical man who is focused on the destination, while women are more likely to focus on the journey. He said that such stereotypes don't hold true anymore because the sexes aren't so distinct any more. I asked him to explain. He said that people are more gender fluid now, like the ancient Egyptians and Romans; more true to our nature. How delightful!

I took this opportunity to tell him that some people are concerned because they perceive that all of the students at the high school that he attended over 10 years ago are conforming to pressure to be transgender and/or homosexual. His eyes bugged out. He confirmed that this was a huge change from when he was there. I said that I like opportunities for exploring self expression. Of course, he knows that about me. Beth and I agreed to keep her in the closet during this visit, so I didn't make this conversation any more personal to me.

Youngest

My youngest mentioned that she was continuing to follow her favorite customers on Instagram from several years ago: men who bought women's shoes for themselves from the store where she worked. She said it with obvious affection and respect, which made me proud. So, my husband asked her to take us shopping to help him find a warm woman's hoodie in a pretty color. She knew exactly what he meant about men's clothes being horrid, drab colors. I pointed out how men's don't fit him well, and she agreed. We found one, and she shared our joy. Then, he wore it in front of my other two kids, and my son-in-law. He wore women's hoodies, shirts, and a coat during the entire visit, but these were all relatively androgynous.

Conclusion

I'm glad that these subjects arose. I'm glad that Beth took a big baby step by expressing a bit of her clothes preferences. We have overheard them bashing men for wearing what they (my kids) perceived as feminine clothes, years ago (e.g., nightshirts), so this was a significant milestone. I'll continue to keep my ears open for indicators that my oldest might be less judgmental, or at least hope for times when I can question her apparent misconception about why some people wear clothes that she doesn't like on them.

When we arrived home, I repeatedly scolded myself for thinking of Beth as a He, and thinking of her as her dead name. I'm so glad to be home with her again, and seeing her come back to full life.

Any thoughts? Suggestions?

The youngest is almost always the easiest. They are, typically, more open minded and still soaking in new ideas. I'm lost on the ages?

The middle, based on how you expressed it, will likely be accepting if it's presented right. Give wording that allows for digestion and thought.

The oldest, will balk. Very much sounding of repeating peer generated humor and ridicule - with a meme that also points to the internet as the primary source. You won't get support without plenty of talk and thought. Overcoming such peer learned behaviors can be hard as they are very concerned with how their peers will perceive them. I know this well having experienced it myself (meaning me, that's how I was).

All three, based on what you said, might be swayed into support. Easily or with some effort. It all boils down to how they learn about it and how it's presented. How much that they love and respect the two of you will play a big role in acceptance.

On that last line, take Lori for example. she was raised in a strict, narrow-minded, religious household .. yet here I am and still married, working it out. How? She loves me. Rather than questioning me (after the shock wore off, lots of questions at that time) she started questioning her belief system. That's when she started to realize that a lot (most) of what she was taught was wrong. Too many opinions, personal views, and bias invaded the teaching and propagated.

To be 'set in your ways' yet open enough to re-visit what you were taught and was ingrained into you for years is a rare gift and a struggle with many a slippage into old thought patterns.

No matter how they end up responding, time is your friend. I mean this as time after they are told.
Every person is different in perception. Every person is different in reaction. No reaction is set in stone ... time.

I don't know how much help is in there. I'm just rambling.

It's good to 'see' you!
Faith

Sometimes your most critical antagonist becomes your strongest advocate.

I wanted to respond to these parts separately

Quote from: Moonflower on March 03, 2019, 08:43:07 PM
Visit With My 3 KidsThen, he wore it in front of my other two kids, and my son-in-law. He wore women's hoodies, shirts, and a coat during the entire visit, but these were all relatively androgynous.
......
I'm glad that these subjects arose. I'm glad that Beth took a big baby step by expressing a bit of her clothes preferences ....

That's a good step, you should be glad - and proud - so should Beth. Slow shift of perception works best on some. Not to mention (yet I will) it helps keep anxiety under control.

Quote
When we arrived home, I repeatedly scolded myself for thinking of Beth as a He, and thinking of her as her dead name. I'm so glad to be home with her again, and seeing her come back to full life.

Don't beat yourself up. You were out with him... She was in reserve yet still present. Thoughts match presentation. He was presenting to your children, he is how you had to think. It's ok, you know that she is there.

QuoteDon't beat yourself up. You were out with him... She was in reserve yet still present. Thoughts match presentation. He was presenting to your children, he is how you had to think. It's ok, you know that she is there.

I agree with this statement.  We have to think and live in the moment of who is presenting.  It's not always easy. It's a bit of a safety step we take, possibly on a subconscious level to protect the secret or the person.

Grace,
   I would say that overall this was promising. Your oldest is making a comment that has no personal experience connected to it. She has no skin in the game and is probably not really going to keep that attitude long once she does. Who among us hasn't made a dumb statement about people we don't understand. I could even see it being exciting to see her be educated.

   You were in a situation where you needed Beth to play a role. You know her truth, but you had to play a part as well. I agree, don't beat yourself up. When I was in hiding, my partner was okay because no one knew but us two. When we started coming out, it got hard for her. Some knew, some didn't! It was emotional whiplash for her. Now everyone knows and she is just plain proud of me. And me of her!
Love,
Moni

Always GREAT to see you here, Faith.

Quote from: Faith on March 04, 2019, 06:03:03 AM
The youngest is almost always the easiest. They are, typically, more open minded and still soaking in new ideas.

Really? So, that must make me easy, too? I should add that to my list of my own distinguishing characteristics.

Quote
I'm lost on the ages?

Mid 20s to early 30s

Quote
..., take Lori for example. she was raised in a strict, narrow-minded, religious household .. yet here I am and still married, working it out. How? She loves me. Rather than questioning me (after the shock wore off, lots of questions at that time) she started questioning her belief system. That's when she started to realize that a lot (most) of what she was taught was wrong. Too many opinions, personal views, and bias invaded the teaching and propagated.

To be 'set in your ways' yet open enough to re-visit what you were taught and was ingrained into you for years is a rare gift and a struggle with many a slippage into old thought patterns.

Questioning one's beliefs can be overwhelming or undermining for some people. I usually find it exciting as I look forward to seeing what I'll discover. I'm usually not attached to my beliefs. They are only tiny perspectives on huge realities.

Quote
No matter how they end up responding, time is your friend. I mean this as time after they are told.
Every person is different in perception. Every person is different in reaction. No reaction is set in stone ... time.

I don't know how much help is in there. I'm just rambling.

Faith, you are always a huge help and comfort. Thank you.

I've never been so glad to have 3 kids instead of 1, so all if my eggs aren't in one basket,  and so I can see 3 very different perspectives on this matter.

Quote
Sometimes your most critical antagonist becomes your strongest advocate.

Such wise words! Such optimism! Such positive thinking!

Quote from: Faith on March 04, 2019, 06:10:27 AM
Don't beat yourself up. You were out with him... She was in reserve yet still present. Thoughts match presentation. He was presenting to your children, he is how you had to think. It's ok, you know that she is there.

Thank you. You are so right. I'm learning to be gentle with myself.

Quote from: HappyMoni on March 04, 2019, 09:12:09 PM
Grace,
   I would say that overall this was promising. Your oldest is making a comment that has no personal experience connected to it. She has no skin in the game and is probably not really going to keep that attitude long once she does. Who among us hasn't made a dumb statement about people we don't understand. I could even see it being exciting to see her be educated.

Thank you Moni for this perspective. You are a dear friend.

Quote
   You were in a situation where you needed Beth to play a role. You know her truth, but you had to play a part as well. I agree, don't beat yourself up. When I was in hiding, my partner was okay because no one knew but us two. When we started coming out, it got hard for her. Some knew, some didn't! It was emotional whiplash for her. Now everyone knows and she is just plain proud of me. And me of her!
Love,
Moni

When Beth was in hiding, I was OK when I was the only one who knew. But now, I hate keeping the secret. I hate being on guard. I hate working so hard to keep names and pronouns straight. I hate being afraid of others. I hate when she retracts into hiding.

Our next baby step is my best friend's birthday party. When my friend talked about it today, it sounded more like a party for Beth coming out, than for herself! What a remarkable effort. She and her husband designed the guest list for compatibility and healthy discussion.

I long for her to be out full time! I am so proud of her!

By the way, she was ma'amed last week even though she wasn't trying to present. Twice in one day! She was just being herself. Beautiful.

Quote from: Moonflower on March 03, 2019, 08:43:07 PM
Visit With My 3 Kids

Oldest

....
When we arrived home, I repeatedly scolded myself for thinking of Beth as a He, and thinking of her as her dead name. I'm so glad to be home with her again, and seeing her come back to full life.

Any thoughts? Suggestions?

From the reading I have done here I don't feel you should be scolding yourself. My wife really gets upset when she messes up my pronouns but she is in such a difficult position. It mainly happens upon her return from work where they are not aware of my transition so still infrequently has to use male pronouns when referring to me....to her my transition is a private matter and she is not ready to share it with her work colleagues. Like you she is very accepting and encouraging of me but you were in a difficult situation being forced to think of Beth in male terms as you are yet to have all your kids know. You have demonstrated time and time again your understanding and love...can I suggest you are remarkably caring  in so many ways that these kinds of things just take some time to work themselves out ... and they will

Take care

Liz