I've had a number of bad things happen to me in this last year.  Like the line in "Body Heat," sometimes it just comes down so much, I think I need a hat."  I know I've had a better life than most but no one is so high that they can't sink low.  Even someone who created incredible beauty like Van Gogh was prone to depression.  Only selling one painting in his life (to his brother, Theo), he committed suicide but his gun missed slightly.  It took a few days of pain in bed before he died.

Steady work -the thing that distracted me from the angst of transsexualism and loneliness - seems to have vaporized.  The CBS television show on which I was a music editor was cancelled.  I tried finding work but my profession is disappearing, going the way of buggy-whip manufacturing.  Like many older workers, my usefulness to society is getting marginalized due to outsourcing.  Recently, I, like others, have grown tired of fighting to get the resume in the proper hand when literally hundreds apply for a single position.  The last one was at a sound editing house.  They told me I was overqualified.  Even when the shoe fit, I wasn't allowed to wear it.  There is always someone younger that, in an age-conscious town, will get the work.  I've heard that even "Mash" writers can't find employment.  One sent his son (who is not a writer) to pitch.  The son got the job and the father resumed writing.

My social life has dropped to nothing.  After being post op in '99, I dated a lot, stressing friendships as my first aim.  I dated around 8 women and 7 men in three months.  I "passed" perfectly and, since a few seemed to be clicking well, I decided - let's see what happens when I tell them about my past.  Most left - quickly.  Dating that much was a first for me.  In high school and college, I'd felt uncomfortable doing it.  Wrong body, you know.  Now post op, I suddenly felt far more poise and confidence.  I was like an actor who was given the CORRECT script for the first time in my life.  I fell in love - twice.  The first was a lesbian who I emailed back and forth for a few weeks before meeting.  We met and something clicked - we ended up walking the street of an upscale neighborhood and talking to midnight.  We confessed that we'd both tried to lower our expectations but, somehow, the love that developed in emails was a here in real life -- for awhile.  She fell madly in love with me and I treasured the thought of never having to date again. In the next week, she started picking on me about minor things.  I told my ex (we were still friends) about her critiques and she said, "That's not true!"  My ex was not one to be easy on me -- she was a realist.  By the third week, she was back to being very much in love with me.  Even the sex seemed to be good with this first love (after the op) -- quite a feat since I'd never enjoyed sex.  She broke up with me.  I suspected that she had, in a way, used me to see what it'd be like to be with a TS.  There was love but once the excitement of newness lessened, she was gone.

The second time I fell in love after SRS was with a bi.  We both were intensely in love.  In the midst of that love, I accidentally received an email from her that she meant to send to a friend of hers.  Just imagine my being in love with her and, at the same time, reading an email that says that she is soooo happy because she and her husband are getting back together.  I didn't mention anything but she left without much of an explanation a few days after that.  I dreaded thinking if the reason she loved me was because I was a woman or was it my last vestiges of manhood?  It made me sick.  That was three years ago.  I've gone out with three people since that incident, all short-lived. Though I treasure friendships and love, the fight is out of me to continue dating.  Dating just seems like a recipe for making myself sadder.  I still watch romantic movies like "Dave," "Gump," "Sleepless in Seattle,"and "Phenomenon."  Somehow, oddly, I can divorce that film happiness from my reality.

For those who think transition is a cure-all, it CAN be a lot of the time.  I would never wish to go back to a male life.  But right now, I'm going through a sad period.  To some, it'll seem trivial ("You call that bad?!").  I know I'm luckier than most people but I just spent my birthday a few days ago, alone.  Right after college, I lived for YEARS alone.  Now, it seems a lot harder.  I imagine when you live with someone for 21 years the way I did (it was, for all intents and purposes, a marriage), you get used to it.

When I think of suicide, it makes me even sadder feeling.  It's always been that way.  Tears flow.  I've taken this as an indication that I lack the will and courage to do it.  Still, I know it's a means of making the hurt stop - for me.  I hear of people I know getting cancer and there is an odd part of me that is jealous -- at least with that, there is no blame or guilt.  No one would be questioning, "Why did Teri do it?"  I know my best friend and my ex would be devastated.  During transition, I once told my best friend that I was considering suicide.  I'd even bought a slim book that depicted various ways to do it -- strangely, it was in the "bargain" section of the bookstore.  Was my life that cheap?  My friend cried and couldn't understand.  I told her I feared being a "freak."  She told me I was beautiful, inside and out.  Her anxiety scared it out of me.  I will probably never do it because I know how stopping my hurt can create a lifetime of hurt for her.  That realization plus one other one made me back away -- I realized that, if there is indeed a heaven, what if I was there and she was back on earth.  She WAS my heaven, my angel.   My therapist is like a cheeleader, urging that these setbacks will pass.  And I know that's true.  If the hero of "Shawshank Redemption" can go through twenty years of oppression and succeed in the end, isn't my fate, my life far more possible for a happy ending?

I once went to a group therapy session that discussed depression.  Many of the people said why they were sad or even suicidal.  To my ears, they all seemed like foolish reasons to be depressed.  And I knew that, similarly, other people would be surprised at my depression.  I've had thirty years of work in a profession I've enjoyed.  I have a creative streak that loves crafting music in dramatic scenes.  But that career is now hopelessly disappearing.  My ex is on the east coast happily married to her new hubby.  I'm happy for her.  She sensed in my voice, when she called on my birthday, that I was sad.  There is still love there between us.  She tried to cheer me but it's hard when you're 3000 miles apart.  After a minute or so I feigned mellowness, for her sake.

My house is, like a lot of houses today, not selling.  I could sell it if I was willing to give up a year of my former salary.  It's not a good idea to throw away money when your last good gig has passed.  Strange to be considering worth of money at a time when life for me, too, seems possible of disappearing.  But I snap back and know I've fallen into that damned rabbit hole of CHURNING depression -- something I'd thought I'd taught myself NOT to do!  My best friend and hubby are moving to Washington and there's nothing holding me here in L.A.  I know that a life anywhere without friends can be an empty life.  Hopefully, if the house sells, I'll move and live nearby and try not to be a "third wheel."  I love nature and hope to find better days looking at trees and rippling water.  My retirement and health plan start in five years (when I'm 60).  I just have to figure out how to survive economically for the next five years 'till then.  And I suppose I could meet someone.

It's just a stream of thoughts on my birthday, my 55th...

Alone.

Teri Anne

Teri,

I wish I could be there to hold your hand.

It IS hard when your friends are scattered across the country.  A phonecall is not the same as having them in your living room.

It IS hard when your profession disappears.  I was fortunate in that I left my last employer on my terms.  They did not deselect me.  I look now and they are laying people off a thousand at a time.  If I had stayed any longer, I would have been one of those people trying to make ends meet in a town without jobs.

This is a hard road we walk. 

If there is any theme song that best fits us, it would be Neil Diamond's I Am, I Said.

But we are stong.

So, go get your glass and fill it.  I'll wait.

:::: raises her own glass ::::

Teri Anne, here is to you.
To a woman who is beautiful, strong, intelligent and gifted.
To someone I admire for those gifts.
To someone I am proud to call "Sister."

I wish you the very happiest of birthdays.

And may the upcoming year be better than all the other years combined together.

Your sister,

Chaunte

Teri...big hugs from a little short guy

And I wish you best on your birthday.

Dennis

Thanks, Chaunte for the toast and for the uplifting words that felt like a hug.  I look at that photo of mine at left and remember that smile, that date I was on when he took my photo - the blue circle I'm holding at right is a "woman's" sign on a restroom.  I was very happy.  I hope to reach a point of stopping churning and hope for the best in my new life in a town where I can start anew.

Like your Rutan quote, Chaunte, (I've followed his exploits and designs for years) at the bottom of your post, sometimes what we try in life, especially as TS's, seems nonsensical and irrational.  But by trying the irrational, many a scientific breakthrough has occured.  Hopefully, this twisted path of mine will lead to that shining beach.

Teri Anne

Oop, your hug just came in, too, Dennis.  Thank you.

Such a sad post.  Depression and loneliness are bad companions.  Telling yourself your reasons for feeling despondent aren't worthy is a consequence of your depression, not actual fact.  Indeed, there are always people who have it worse than we do, but that doesn't invalidate your feelings.  If things feel tough, they probably are tough.  It sounds like you've been in this situation before and you sound strong enough and resourceful enough to get through it.  Accept the way you feel now as a consequence of being alive and being a thinking emotional creature, not as a curse upon your life.  I have a very hard time doing this myself so I am not speaking from any higher plane by any means.  I hope things begin to look better for you soon.

Dawn

Teri,

There are so many of us here who have been were you are now. Our dark moments. I was in a similar place just a couple of weeks ago and although it may sound cliche I found someone who was worse off than me. How does that thing go? I lamented that I had no shoes and then I met a man who had no feet.

I really feel for you I know your feelings all too well. All I can do is send you a hug from were I sit. Know that there are people here who care about you and send you well wishes. I am listning to a song right now that I wish I could share with you. Here are the words, your friends here are the shoulders. I hope they raise your spirits.

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up... To more than I can be.

Cassie

First of all, I'm sorry you are feling that way Teri-Anne.  Perhaps dating a transsexual MTF or FTM would be a good option.

I too have been dealing with depression lately.  When my thoughts started getting towards suicidal (last monday) because I was starting to think death would be more pleasant than transitioning and living as a freak, then I decided it was time to see the doctor.  I went on antidepressants the next day and yesterday, I had a manic episode.  So I called up my doctor and she prescribed me a different anti-depressant that I just started today and I haven't had an adverse reaction yet, but I'll have to see how things go with time.

I wish you well in getting your life straightened out so that you can find happiness.  I know there are some wonderful people on this earth that will love you for who you are.  It's just a matter of finding them.

By the way, I was surprised when you said you were 55.  I thought you were a lot closer to 40.  Especially with your picture.

Melissa

Hey there Terri-Ann.

Life sure does suck a times, and I can empathise with you the way that you are feeling.  Lonelyness can be a killer.  While some rellish solitude, by nature we are scocial animals, and need the company of others, some would say even bad company.  I remember a few years back now, during the last years of my service I was relocated to another city, by myself for two years, my wife stayed home.  This wasn't unusual as we had done this many times previously, part of the job.  But this time it was different as even though we were able to email back and forth, the fact that I couldn't hear a freindly suportive voice, I became extremely loney and depresed with my lot in life.  I tried to figure out why I was so down in the dumps, but i never did.

I know that I did start going to a local coffee shop and became a regular customer.  It got to the point that everyone knew me by name, and new what I was going to order.  Silly little things I know but important all the same.  So is there a bar called Cheers near by?  If not here are the lyrics to the Cheers theme song.  These are the complete lyrics as the actual theme was abreviated to fit the TV show.  These are the actual lyrics...

Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got;
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?

All those night when you've got no lights,
The check is in the mail;
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by it's tail;
And your third fiance didn't show;

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.

Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead;
The morning's looking bright;
And your shrink ran off to Europe,
And didn't even write;
And your husband wants to be a girl;

Be glad there's one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to go where people know,
People are all the same;
You want to go where everybody knows your name.

Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came...


And if that didn't work sing alone with Monty Python:

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
words and music by Eric Idle

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best...

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

And...always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the light side of life...

For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life's a piece of ->-bleeped-<-
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the right side of life...
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life...
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...

Steph

Quote from: Teri Anne on March 18, 2006, 11:11:12 PMI look at that photo of mine at left and remember that smile...

And I think that's the key to surviving the bad times: remember the good ones, remind yourself that happiness is at least POSSIBLE, though oftentimes fleeting - as perhaps it should be to keep it delicate, appreciated, beautiful. Life is a sine wave, going up and down, weaving it's own curious course through the lessons we try to teach ourselves along the way.

Whenever I've been down for a very long time, or a bout of flu has gone on seemingly forever, I try to remember that every time I thought the badness would never end... EVERY TIME... it did indeed pass, and usually on to something better than before, lessons learned, score taken.

You really ARE a beautiful person. I've only been on here for a short time, but already every time I see you've posted something, I have to smile and anxiously read your heartfelt, open, honest thoughts. Sooner or later someone new will realize, just as we all do, how beautiful you truly are. Have faith that this person is looking for you too, right now, as you read these words.

I deliberated for quite awhile before sending my post.  My concerns, for the most part, happen to a lot of people, not just TS's.  But I worried that somehow my unhappiness would bring sadness to others.  It's not in my nature to do that.  Films I like are the uplifting ones -- the ones that show, despite adversity, there is happiness that comes from perseverance.  ie. not wallowing.

Your posts have been far more wonderful than I would have thought.  I imagined that I might get back some hugs but never imagined that the responses would be so well thought-out and caring.

DAWN, you're right that unhappinesss is "a consequence of being alive and being a thinking emotional creature, not as a curse upon your life."  They say that Woody Allen is a morose person in actuallity.  I remember in "Annie Hall," Annie asks why he's so preoccupied with death movies.  The answer is, as you said, he's a thinking emotional creature.  He's mined his feelings and shared them with us, on screen.  Dawn, it might interest you to know that my picking my folk guitar (both chords and melody - mostly 70's songs) is something I found helps with my present trauma.  I don't know why, but it's very soothing.

CASSIE, yes, I was thinking about the man with no shoes versus the one without feet, too, when I wrote of my guilt of feeling sad, given all the worse sadnesses in the world.  My ex used to say that cavemen never had time to be sad because they were always busy trying to stay alive.  In that sense, sadness is somewhat of an ironic luxury.  The song lyrics you sent, "You raise me up... To more than I can be," reminded me of the "you are the wings beneath my feet" song.  That person who did that was always my best friend...and now my new friends.

MELISSA - You said, "There are some wonderful people on this earth that will love you for who you are.  It's just a matter of finding them."  I've thought of that a LOT lately...that there are people in just my situation lamenting the same loneliness.  The internet dating services are filled with them.  That's how I met all those people after I was post op.  I kept seeing this one sentence over and over on the lesbian ones, "No lies."  Was my entity, pre or post, a lie to them?  I remember having what I thought was a great date with one lesbian who I'd shared comedic lines with before and during our meet.  At the end of the date, as we were separating, we were talking of how tough dating could be.  She, walking away, said, "Yeah, I once had a date with a transsexual."  She kept walking and I did, too.  My stunned face wasn't seen by her.  I don't know if she read me or if it was just a casual remark.  But it felt like a fist in my stomach.

KATE - Interesting - "life as a sine wave, going up and down."  Or an EKG machine, it's wave reflecting the ups and downs of life.  I try reminding myself that down moments make us appreciate those times that are up, but it's still hard.  Your story about a long flu that never seems to end is something I can recall several times.  The worst times were during transition when the flu would make my voice sound VERY LOW and I was doing my best to try to present something quite different, of course.  Thank you for your kind words.  They echo my best friend's words - words that I can't hear because she's in Bali.  So hearing them from you was a good refresher course:  "Sooner or later someone new will realize, just as we all do, how beautiful you truly are."  I think that's why my first love (as a post op) happened.  She read my heart through my words. 

STEPH - You said, "Loneliness can be a killer."  You said it.  Literally.  Thanks for relating your story about meeting people in a local coffee shop.  Yes, of course you're right.  One problem, I find, is my age.  A lot of the people that "hang" in bars and coffee shops tend to be young (at least in L.A.).  I remember going to a lesbian bar in W. Hollywood and all the people there were in their thirties.  Not being a big liquor drinker (two is tops), I left, sad that my hopes had disappeared.  I often thought that there should be lesbian places where people EAT and meet, not just drink.

The "Cheers" lyrics are something I'd never seen in their entirety.  Very interesting, though I could have done without the "your husband wants to be a girl" line.  Coincidentally enough, I helped work on the pilot episode of Cheers many moons ago.  The editor on that ended up having a great connection with the producers on that show.  They did other shows and he came along.  Sometimes one gig or one connection can make life-altering things happen.  I keep hoping for the next small thing that'll lead to better things for me.  Maybe that next small thing will lead to a friend that will introduce me to THE soulmate of my life.  I just have to stop vegging and move around more.  Out in the outside air.

As your second song points out, "Life's a laugh and death's a joke."

Maybe that's why New Orleans funerals are so appropriately absurd.  It's like the Peggy Lee song, "If that's all there is, then let's keep dancing."

Thanks for dancing with me, all of you.

Teri Anne

Hi Teri Anne,

I know how you feel as I think I am in a dead end job that could be outsourced at any time. I know I sould be happy and on the outside that is so. But on in inside I am sometimes very unhapy as I do feel isolated and I have never been good at relating to people. Being a CD my inner feeling ofter come out and that often push people away from me. Last week I had some really bad thoughts and was glad I could ring my counseller.

I find my outlet is though sport. I am a very keen trathlete and latley have been getting into cycle racing. It gives me something else to focus on and I have found when racing of my bike I am so concentrated on the moment I forget all my other worries.

I hope this help and you can look for other things to focus on as I know what it is like to be lonley.


Alice

Teri Anne,
I cannot properly describe the confusion of feelings that I felt reading your post.  I look at your pic and I see a beautiful woman, read your posts and find them intellegent and insightful (well most of them   )
and from what I have read of your work, you are technically very skilled and experienced.

That you should feel so depressed - and your strengths and abilities seem to be for naught, scares me - if you feel lonely and vunerable, everyone should

All I can think is that the way life is, when we think we are going along well there are things that we are unaware of - us in a fools paradise, reality just waiting to deal up somthing nasty.  The flip side to that is that things are never as bad as they seem (I know it sounds so trite, but there is some truth hey   )

seems to be that most of us here are lonely and desperate - I can remember when my therapist asked me about my friends, on reflection I found I hadn't any    (my wife was hurt when I told her this, she said what about me?  but that was different she is much more.  Then she said somthing that set me back, she said really she hadn't any either - she who is the opposite of me in so many ways, so popular she has hundreds - yet she felt she truely had not)

Alice made some good points I think, pushing others away - I do that too,  maybe you also do at some level even unknown to yourself?   Also the outlet of sport for her.  I do too, I cycle and swim - it helps a lot for a while at least.

Teri, please don't be depressed - truely you have so much to offer. 

rana

Teri Anne, I know your feelings very well. I to have had the same feeling, almost exactly the way you have felt. I'm post op (04) and feel like I don't have any friends at all. I do have my wife only she is my friend and not lover. I tried to get involved with politics, but I'm not any good at that. The only thing I'm good at is working and making an average wage. I do that real good. I always wonder what it would be like to cross over. I tried it once, but didn't make it. I screwed that up too. I have attempted to cross over two other times, but someone or something got into my way. Being post op doesn't cure anything, but I do feel whole now. If I do make it the next time, which I will succeed, I will be at peace with myself. I don't know where I will go, if anyplace, but I won't be here. I will not be depressed when I decide to cross over, I will be of sound mind.
  So Teri Anne, you are not the only person who thinks this way. You have at least one other. So look who you have company with. Think about it.
Sheila

When I started at Susan's a few months ago, I had this "death" post in the back of my mind but, as I said earlier, was uncertain as to whether to post it.  Many might find it to be odd for a post op to still want to be involved in the transsexual transition scene and, for the most part (since the death of the "Gazebo"), I've been on my own.  Your stories brought back the feelings of excitement and fear that I felt and, in a small way, thought I might be able to help others by relating my experiences.  But this "death" post, to me, sent the wrong message.  I didn't want TS's to jump to the conclusion that transitioning was bad or good by anything I said.  Despite the trauma, as I said, I would never want to go back.  The doctors, for me, were right.  My gender dysphoria is gone.  There is this new problem unique to post ops that I have to face, revealing my past to potential soulmates.  Aside from that, the feelings of loneliness and loss of work are COMMON to many people in this country.  And, as thousands are layed off from work as that work is outsourced to China or India, the loss of work angst becomes an even more common thing in the masses.  I thank God that I managed to work long enough to get my full pension (in 5 years) and am not, like many, finding myself out of work in the middle of their careers.  It's not an easy world out there these days for ANYONE.

Love is something we all seek.  It anchors us and, for many, gives us a purpose for living.  When transsexualism threatens that anchor, we cry for ourselves (our loss) and for the hurt it creates for our mates (their loss).  It seems so unfair, like torching a beautiful house that you just finished building. 

It's another day - Sunday - and there are helicopters buzzing in the air, following hundreds of runners in the L.A. Marathon.  And, coincidentally, your post came in, ALICE, talking of activities like like cycle racing being both a distraction and a focus for your energies.  I've heard, for years, that anything that pumps the blood through the body and brain can act as a soother (dopamine?) to our worries.

RANA, though you and I have disagreed in the past, we fight the same battles and your post, maybe surprisingly to you, was a welcome sight to me.  You said, "That you should feel so depressed - and your strengths and abilities seem to be for naught, scares me - if you feel lonely and vunerable, everyone should."  Thank you for raising me up on a pedestal with your compliments but I assure you I have flaws.  Who knows if some of those flaws may be the real reason for non-success so far in my dating.  One of my flaws, for example, is wanting at parties to actually have conversation.  It seems like so much of the talk is fluff and it has to be shouted loudly to be heard above loud music.  I've always considered myself a writer.  When I was in high school, I won a contest for having the "best editorial in a high school newspaper in the U.S.."  This love of writing has made me fond of giving life a more careful LOOK rather than just passing through it.  It's said that the best writers are careful observers.  My favorite writers, John Steinbeck, Jack London, Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain), Charles Dickens, William Goldman, Colin Higgins ("Harold and Maude"), Stephen King, Jack Smith (L.A. Times writer) and Ray Bradbury were/are all good at that.

I've pondered that people tell me that I seem more happy and outgoing since transition.  I know, by comparison to my gregarious best friend, that I'm a turtle next to her.  In that sense, it's been good for me to be around her.  She's been gone three weeks on vacation and we both miss each other terribly.  She says that I am always on her shoulder (seeing what she sees) and in her heart.  It's just fate of scheduling her vacation that I ended up alone on my birthday without her.

You were observant, Rana, in that we need to be aware, when we are happy, that we are in a "fools paradise" and, contrarily, when we're sad, that "things are never as bad as they seem."  It's probably especially true of women and TS's who take estrogen.  The extremes get heightened.  I know this and put this into my analysis of my state -- that things are not as good, nor as bad as they seem.  Mood swings are part of being female.  In the up moments (which are most of the time), I treasure that the great joy is making me FEEL life more fully.  It's the down times that can be killers.

SHEILA, I'm sorry that you, as a post op, have had similar feelings of "crossing over" (by which, I assume you're referring to suicide).  I try to not wonder "what it would be like to cross over."  I can't get past the ACT.  It seems so horrific, no matter what method is chosen.  And, it seems like such a WASTE.  They say guns, for example, have a greater percentage of success.  But, I'm nonviolent and squeemish.  Sometimes I can't help but VISUALIZE putting a gun to my face but two things happen:  (1) I get terribly sad and (2) I think it's highly ILLOGICAL (Yes, I have my Spock moments):  I've put too much time, pain and money getting this face to be where it is - the Osterhaut craneofacial surgery, the years of electrology, the hair transplants.  It's, as I mentioned before, like setting fire to a beautiful house you've just built.  Or sinking a sleek 35 foot Carver aft cabin cruiser that you just bought.

I worried that my post would cause others to ponder death and, while I realize you were pondering way before I came on the scene, I would urge that thinking of what's on "the other side" has the strong potential of being the worst decision you can make in your LIFE.  I WANT to believe there's another side but it could be, as some suggest, that our potential heaven is what happens to us here on earth.  The other day there was a news announcement that outer space explorations suggest that the "big bang" theory happened:  something the size of a baseball, within a fraction of a second, exploded to create what seems, to us, to be an infinite universe.

In light of such a magical thing, is my life trauma such a big deal?  Of course not.  It's a wonderous world, ours to have, if we CONTINUE to reach out, take a chance, get hurt even.  They say inspiration is nothing but 99% perseverance.  Keeping at the battle.  Jousting Don Quixote's windmills.  The world formed AGAIN today and I'm breathing in and out.  I'll take Alice's advice - I'm going out and walk a few blocks to watch the marathon runners.

Like them, we just need to stay in the game and KEEP RUNNING.

Teri Anne

I am sorry; this is not a topic I deal with very well.

Smile Teri Anne... it could be worse.

Teri, to you, but to all the members of Susan's Place.

My mom spent time on a mental health crisis hotline.  She taught me to take mentions of suicide very seriously.

Please, everyone, go here and read what it has to say about suicidal persons.  You too, Teri.  Consider that I'm asking you the questions on this page, because, even though we've never met in person, I care about you.

I know how a LOT of your self esteem is wrapped up in your work.  The business is changing (mostly thanks to the rise of computer programs with wizards that make your editing decisions for you,) and the money-men are taking advantage of how that's driving the cost of below-the-line talent down.  You may still be able to play, but it'll be indie work with low pay (but don't forget to get up-front points in case it hits!)  Or maybe feeding the cable-channel monster -- lower pay than what you're used to (and probably non-union) but you still get to cut music.  Do you have any other post production skills?  There's gotta' be something you can do (short of wedding videography -bleah-) that you can do.

Your business can nowadays be conducted anywhere broadband can reach, so you can do it in Washington.  And my therapist mentioned that, even moreso than California, Washington is a very TS/TG friendly state (well, at least the western wet side is -- east of the cascades seems very redneck to me-- )  Look forward to your move to Washington.  Let it give you hope!

Stay here with us...

Karen

Terri Please donot try anything like that. It really is something that no one should do. Believe me I know because I tried it and went through with it. It is not worth it.

They say inspiration is nothing but 99% perseverance.  Keeping at the battle.  Jousting Don Quixote's windmills.  The world formed AGAIN today and I'm breathing in and out.  I'll take Alice's advice - I'm going out and walk a few blocks to watch the marathon runners.

Like them, we just need to stay in the game and KEEP RUNNING.

Teri Anne


Yes, Teri Anne...get out of the house, don't stare at the four walls.  Get out and people watch, check out the park, get out and be a part of this world.  Keep at the battle.  You have many people here who obviously care about you a great deal.  I don't know you, but I know this much...the world would be a poorer place without you.  Give it some time and this dark period will pass.  Take long, steaming baths, get out and talk to strangers, rent out as many movies as it takes...

Take care...

Hi Teri,

For some time, and particularly in the the past several days I have seriously been considering options. I am married and my wife is not aware of my being TG. She is a wonderful partner, mother and has stuck with me through thick and thin.  I find myself feeling like a villain. If I go forward with transition then the hurt to my wife and family will be enormous and ongoing. If I do not transition then I cannot remain as I am, and will likely do what is necessary. A villain again, but at least my family would not know what I have been going through.
I begin therapy next week and have promised my TG guide that I will not do anything until I have given therapy a chance.  My need/wish is to find a path forward and I sincerely hope that things work out.  I had no idea that my life could come to this.

Loe'   

Happy Birthday, Teri-Ann!

Being alone on any significant day is very difficult, I know what you're going through. 

Please remember that, although you can't see us or hear us, that we're out here caring very deeply about how you are doing.  Your insights and, especially, your skills in communicating them are an invaluable part of what makes this forum the best TG site in the English speaking WWW and I, for one, would feel a deep loss if you stopped posting.  For any reason.

Where there is breath, there is hope so please be patient, most houses sell in the spring time so people can move when the kids are on summer vacation, be hopeful, maybe that soulmate is waiting up north, and please stay with us.

helen