So I live in a relatively liberal state with transfolk protections but live in one of the least liberal counties within it--still a pretty good place to live considering my situation. In any case, I am married with a young child and work remotely so I can move most places. We have looked into several places, but none seem to fit--we are used to where we live and my wife does not want to move. We rent, so I could transition where I am at or do it slow (i.e. HRT no social, which may be preferred as my wife worries about consequences for our child and this discussion is still very unresolved--she does not believe the anecdotes we hear that its fine--any resources on this would be welcome by the way:) and move after, but I strongly want to move to a more trans-friendly area first to protect my emotional well-being and reduce risk to my family and their emotional health.

Recently, one of the top areas I was considering which has a strong PFLAG organization and affordable housing just became a source of massive deflation for the idea that there is somewhere "safe" and affordable for us to be. I have a strong acquaintance and his wife was showing us places; I thought if we moved we could be friends and there was a possibility we could be friends even after a transition, but this idea was subtly extirpated by my acquaintances' wife (call her "Wife"). Wife was talking about schools and she mentioned that the schools were great but that she considered pulling her kids out of school, I asked "is it because of common core?" to which she hesitantly said "No.... its, well, its because of that ya know gender thing". I asked "what do you mean?" as I started to feel sick and that fuzzy nerve sensation you get when you are suddenly stressed, and my wife saw all this in my face; and she said "well, I mean to each your own, but you know those things about men that wear dresses and things like that. If they taught that I would have to put my kids in private school." I was pretty devastated honestly, I just found that a potential safe haven, that my wife was warming up to finally, simply was a lie. I felt similarly about another place, with a large LGBT population, the weekend prior, and so I just got really, really depressed.

Like unpleasantly so, and we did manage to make our exit soon after, but I now feel that it does not matter where we go, transphobia is alive and well and really still quite socially acceptable to most people--there was a bit of sheepishness in the Wife's voice, but I present as cisgender masculine mostly on my wife's urging so I know the Wife felt it was safe. I even found myself defending her since it is so pervasive in our culture to disparage people like us, I just felt very defeated.

I suppose in the end, after a long period of darkness yesterday and this morning, good did come out of it. My wife and I started making more progress in our relationship since she started seeking support on her own, but this is a real struggle for me. I mean, we went to a male barbershop (my wife's urging) and I again felt strong gender dysphoria just being there and getting my hair cut (which I did not want honestly, but know I need to have done due to my profession and lack of being socially out) and I just started to feel anxiety--this started a long conversation about gender roles which sort of resolved, but not really I guess--except in that I presented female with my wife and we got a lot of tasks done that would allow me to move my office to my garage to create a safe space where I can present as I wish and work without upsetting her--so that seems like progress (I have not dressed openly around my wife for around a month, with some very negative emotional consequenes)...

I just feel very unsafe and unloved and wishing our world was different. At the same time I feel like it does not matter where we live so I might as well do what I need to do regardless I suppose; and that at least my wife, for some strange reason, does seem to apparently be in love or very codependent on me

Big hug! The tide is turning for us. Of course there are plenty of people who still don't like us, but a lot of them wouldn't say anything about it to your face. Conversely, there are a lot of people out there who admire our strength, and our ability to be ourselves despite the hurdles.

If there's a strong LGBTIQ community where you're looking, I say go for it!

Hugs, Devlyn

Hello again Athena

I agree with Devlyn  - there is still somewhat of a "social taboo" concerning transgender matters but things are certainly getting better here in the UK. The younger generation are usually much more accepting and supporting of us. Education and campaigning helps.

Coincidentally I am selling my house and moving just a few miles but this is just for downsizing rather than geographical location. I am mainly closeted but definitely publicly transitioning later this year whether house sold or not.

I have been out many times for a walk in the park or to the mall for a cup of coffee and although I have regularly experienced " the long stare", on only one occasion have I been insulted.

I wish you resolution and happiness whichever route(s) you choose to take.

Hugs

Pamela

A transgender social support network is so essential.  Cisgender are very accepting or very cruel but one thing they don't have is the understanding of what it's like to live a transgender life 24/7 (and that statement applies equally in or out of the closet.)

One thing my gender therapist told me that I took to heart and will never forget. She said, "From my experience working with transgender people is that those with the most success at transitioning were all people who had support."

I agree with the others.  I say go for it.

It sounds like she really thinks that's it's guys wearing dresses that are transgender.  Probably brainwashed by Fox News and their following.  She probably knows a girl that is transgender and has no idea she was AMAB.

I wonder what states are involved? There are some places I'd never move, and some of the ones I would I cannot afford. Research is key. I'm sure there's info on LGBT friendly cities and states.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro

Geography does seem to make a big difference in how one is treated.  There are places where I would not go, even to visit, and yet where I live, in Nova Scotia, I have not heard a single hostile word.  It depends a lot on the people and their local customs. 

Cities have the advantage of large numbers of diverse people, so you are bound to find some support.  By the same token, you are almost guaranteed to encounter some yahoos.  The major city here is fairly liberal, but I have heard some bad stories from other trans people about how they have been treated.

Yet, I live out in the sticks, in a tiny village of 300 people, an hour and a half from the city, and I have had only acceptance.  The rural custom here is that, if you don't know what to make of someone, you are polite to them.  Works for me!

When shopping around for a location to move to, it helps if you can get to know some of the people before committing.  That starts to give you a feel for the local customs and culture.  When we were contemplating moving here, we saw a weekly coffee and chat meeting advertised on the community website.  So we dropped in a couple of times, just to talk to local people.  This was a couple of years before I came out to my wife, so transition wasn't even on my radar, yet those visits served us well.  Now, if someone were to give me a hard time, I am sure that the coffee and chat ladies would have my back.

That won't happen everywhere, which is why it helps to check out a place first.

AthenaJacob,

I work in one of the most accepting cities in one of the more progressive states and am further within the bubble of a university environment which is in turn ahead of it's civil environment. I like that, I know when I venture outside of 'home' I get looks, yesterday I even got hassled on the street. I have no control over the education / wokeness of all the people I run across.

I also spent a lot of the last couple of weeks in our much larger city due to the need to be supporting a friend undergoing a clinical trial to try and buy time from an aggressive stage IV cancer. I've gotten a lot of nasty looks (I'm not even a little bit passable). I say screw 'em, it's my life and I need to be there for my friend and if people are too ignorant to treat me as human, well in the long run that's their loss. Also as a price to pay for helping my friend gain a few months (years would be a huge breakthrough in this case, hoping for but obviously not counting on it) ... whether I'm accepted or not fades away against the larger questions of my life.

So your friend's wife put her foot in it? Maybe you want to tell her as much (whether you move there or not). She deserves to know she gave offense, you do not owe anyone the service of protecting them from the consequences of their prejudice.

A couple of decades ago the area immediately surrounding San Francisco was pretty heavily populated by the homophobic, people who couldn't stand rubbing elbows with queers. Same thing goes for many (probably most) urban areas in the US with respect to people of color.

Lastly I will say that geography really can mitigate. It won't save you from every unpleasant interaction, it probably will afford you a safe haven where you will feel safe, be able to recharge your batteries for when you're out and about with the rest of the world etc.