You know, I feel like I'm in a similar situation. In my mid 30's my body started changing. And I think that triggered some of the same types of things in me. I hadn't thought about some of this stuff since puberty. At one point, when I was 12, I came literally within inches of cutting my balls off so I could be a girl. I chickened out at the last second, and hadn't thought about it for years.
My parents are VERY religious. We're not christians, we're Jews. But they haven't exactly been tolerant of this kind of thing. Growing up, religious parents make their expectations indelibly clear. My father, for example, took me aside at 11 years old, when I was in the height of it, and he gave me a long speech about how disappointed he would be in me, if it turned out that I was gay. I don't know how much my mother figured out, but at the time, she was vehement that no son of hers would ever be a transexual.
Then this. You know, at middle age, your body changes. I went on all kinds of hormones and steroids to keep my appearance and body to the male expectation. And truth is, I was miserable, and gave up on it. But the damage had been done. I don't really make testerone anymore. So, I started going through girl puberty towards the end of last year. I found, that I really liked it. I liked the changes to my body.
But the whole process has sort of unearthed a lot of these feelings of disgust with how I still look like a man. How I sound like a man. I don't want to be a man anymore. As far as the greater religious context, I've fulfilled my child rearing obligations, and now I just want some peace.
Anyway, I had a hard night last night. Spent hours on the phone with my brother and father, coming clean about some of the things I'm going through. My plans to start HRT, and how I haven't bought a men's piece of clothing in months.
And you know what? After weeks of working myself into a complete panic over how they might react, they both surprised me. They were kind, and accepting of it. My dad's an idiot, and I don't think he quite gets it, but you know... I didn't really expect him to. My brother was great. Other than my wife, he's still my best friend in this world.
My mother? Her? Never, ever going to bring it up until she starts grilling me about it. You know, sometimes, there are people that might surprise you. Others, well... there are people who never change.
I don't know your situation, but the people in your life might be more accepting than you think.
The part of the original post that really stood out to me was the lament about how you don't feel like you'll ever really look like a woman. That also might surprise you. Now, I don't know what you look like, but there are people, some of whom even post here, that were much uglier than you or I as men. But they're smoking hot as women, now. Don't dwell on that.
Do what you need to do in order to be at peace within yourself. Only you know what that is, or how it works.
And don't forget that god loves you, and wants you to shine.
