After a particularly harrowing session with my therapist this past Thursday, I had to have a long chat with my Higher Power (more on that in another post).

The long and short of it was that there's only one path forward, and I have only one choice to make: I can take it, or I can not take it. And while it may be scary to start taking that path, well, either I'm going to do it or I'm not.

I'm fortunate enough to have the flexibility (and insurance!) to see my tdoc a couple of times a week. I get a little more femme than usual when I go see her because her offices are a safe space for me. Today I wore a sweater with leggings and put on a little lip stain. My nail polish color this week is fuschia, and my hair is getting long enough that lately I've taken to wearing a hairband.

Today I also needed to get our annual license plate stickers renewed and to buy some gas for the car.

I'm not passable in the least, mind you - harbor no illusions about that. Nor am I Out to anyone except a small circle of close friends and family.

But I did need to get those stickers, and the car did need gas.

So after leaving my tdoc, I went to the gas station and the DMV.

The oldtimers at my AA meetings talk about how when you're in early recovery and go to your first social functions where there's alcohol being served, you're so totally focused on not drinking that you stand there with your diet soda, and you know you stand out like a sore thumb, and you know everybody is staring at you because you're not drinking, and they're all judging you because you're not drinking, and you hate that you can't be like everyone else and fit in and drink, and so on and so forth, while in fact the rest of the world couldn't give two hoots about you because they're focused on themselves like always and really just trying to have a drink and relax.

So like I say, I went and got gas, standing outside in my sweater and leggings and hairband and lipstick and nail polish, and the world didn't come to an end. Then I went to the DMV, and while the clerk didn't exactly seem to have the easiest time making eye contact, neither was he disrespectful, and the DMV still accepted my credit card.

I'll admit that the adrenaline was pumping a little high when I walked out with the new stickers. Maybe it won't so much the next time.

I'll also say that it felt pretty darn good standing out there like that pumping gas.

Congrats!  Isn't it wonderful to be out in the world as your True Self? 

I still get a huge grin on my face when I'm called "Mister/Sir/he/him/his/etc."  I'm not sure it'll ever really go away, even if the smile becomes internalized. 

Ryuichi

Quote from: Ryuichi13 on February 20, 2019, 01:38:13 AM
I still get a huge grin on my face when I'm called "Mister/Sir/he/him/his/etc."  I'm not sure it'll ever really go away, even if the smile becomes internalized. 

I've been full-time for two years, and I still get a thrill when a server addresses my wife and me as "ladies".  It makes me want to giggle with happiness.

Battle Goddess, congratulations on getting out in the world as yourself!  It gets easier the more you do it.

Congratulations!  I'm sure as time goes on you will find more safe spaces where you will be welcome.

My goodness the exhilarating feeling of being out in true presentation early in your transition.

I still remember how wonderful that felt.

Now I am just another girl running around the courthouse (I'm an attorney) in a miniskirt, tights and booties — and of course a hip length overcoat and scarf because it was 49 degrees when I left home this morning—quite cold for Southern California.

I still get second looks and stares sometimes but that's perfectly okay because I get to be me.

Enjoy trying out new looks when you go out.  It's one of the most fun parts of being a woman.

Quote from: Battle Goddess on February 19, 2019, 11:46:39 PM
After a particularly harrowing session with my therapist this past Thursday, I had to have a long chat with my Higher Power (more on that in another post).

The long and short of it was that there's only one path forward, and I have only one choice to make: I can take it, or I can not take it. And while it may be scary to start taking that path, well, either I'm going to do it or I'm not.

I'm fortunate enough to have the flexibility (and insurance!) to see my tdoc a couple of times a week. I get a little more femme than usual when I go see her because her offices are a safe space for me. Today I wore a sweater with leggings and put on a little lip stain. My nail polish color this week is fuschia, and my hair is getting long enough that lately I've taken to wearing a hairband.

Today I also needed to get our annual license plate stickers renewed and to buy some gas for the car.

I'm not passable in the least, mind you - harbor no illusions about that. Nor am I Out to anyone except a small circle of close friends and family.

But I did need to get those stickers, and the car did need gas.

So after leaving my tdoc, I went to the gas station and the DMV.

The oldtimers at my AA meetings talk about how when you're in early recovery and go to your first social functions where there's alcohol being served, you're so totally focused on not drinking that you stand there with your diet soda, and you know you stand out like a sore thumb, and you know everybody is staring at you because you're not drinking, and they're all judging you because you're not drinking, and you hate that you can't be like everyone else and fit in and drink, and so on and so forth, while in fact the rest of the world couldn't give two hoots about you because they're focused on themselves like always and really just trying to have a drink and relax.

So like I say, I went and got gas, standing outside in my sweater and leggings and hairband and lipstick and nail polish, and the world didn't come to an end. Then I went to the DMV, and while the clerk didn't exactly seem to have the easiest time making eye contact, neither was he disrespectful, and the DMV still accepted my credit card.

I'll admit that the adrenaline was pumping a little high when I walked out with the new stickers. Maybe it won't so much the next time.

I'll also say that it felt pretty darn good standing out there like that pumping gas.

Another battle won...another step forward ...a  milestone on this long journey.  I don't think most people understand the courage it takes just to the simple tasks like pump gas when you are beginning your transition.

Each small step,helps you build confidence. Congrats on taking these steps. I found identifying safe spaces where I was able to be me was a really good place to start. For me it was stopping and buying coffee before my therapy session. I was terrified but  got a huge kick the first time I was mam'd...

Congrats on this small but significant step.

Liz


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Quote from: LizK on February 20, 2019, 01:51:02 PM
For me it was stopping and buying coffee before my therapy session.

Funny you should mention that! I usually pick up a cup of coffee on the way to my tdoc, too, and if they ever ask for my name at the drive-thru, I always give my chosen name.

There's one nice young fellow at the window who sort of flirts with me. 

Quote from: Battle Goddess on February 20, 2019, 03:19:59 PM
Funny you should mention that! I usually pick up a cup of coffee on the way to my tdoc, too, and if they ever ask for my name at the drive-thru, I always give my chosen name.

There's one nice young fellow at the window who sort of flirts with me. 

OOH!  I say, GO FOR IT!  Flirt back!  It'll help build your confidence!  Plus, its fun to be considered desirable, isn't it? 

Ryuichi

The first time I was addressed correctly was over a year ago now. 99% of people out there get it right now but it still surprises me every time when people say She/her/maam/ladies etc. I'll never get tired of that! Makes all the pain and loss totally worth it.

Keep on keeping on with the little steps and they all add up.

Quote from: Ryuichi13 on February 20, 2019, 06:04:53 PM
OOH!  I say, GO FOR IT!  Flirt back!  It'll help build your confidence!  Plus, its fun to be considered desirable, isn't it? 

Ryuichi

You kidding? At this point I'll take p much anything I can get!