I've been married to my husband for at least 8 years and have had this feeling of me being male for a long time. At first I just brushed it aside, because I didn't realize a transman could be gay. I have a twin sister (now brother) who came out not too long ago and has been on HRT for a while. Seeing him deciding to go through with this gave me courage to tell my husband (who I had separated with for awhile due to these feelings) I'm transgender he took it so well and we are happier together than we've ever been. However, the problem I'm having is with my parents. Although I'm 31, due to mental illness I have been very reliant on them (although I don't live with them) and they did not take it well when i told them this. My mother keeps telling me that if I want to do this I HAVE to divorce him, but he says he wants to be with me no matter what gender I am and I want to stay with him. Since then, she's calmed down a little, but I still have this fear about starting t because of how she will react.... I feel like a coward with this, especially since my brother did it so easily without thinking of consequences. She told me they would leave the state, because there will be nothing left for them here. I really want to start HRT, but I also don't want them to leave because I will miss them...

Hi Oliver

That is a tough position to be in. I would encourage you to think about what is good for you. I know you don't want to lose your parents and I understand that 100%.

I did many things throughout my transition in order to accomodate my parents....took things slowly, didn't present as myself for al ling time to them, weathered their insults and passive aggressive refusal to use my name and pronouns, very care fully choose what I shard on social media and so on...

The end result....they did what they were always going to do...rejected me on many levels not all but on those that count....I guess my point is, despite how much you love them, that may not be enough to change the way they will see your transition. The choice then becomes do I live my life to make me happy or them happy?

You get one shot at this life and I am a strong believer that you can waste many years trying to please people you will never be able to please unless you conform to what they want.

I hope you can do what's best for you. Your husband loves you no matter what gender you are....Having a partner with that level of support is special. I would concentrate on making yourself happy and thereby making you and your husband happy.

I wish you joy of it...what ever you decide.

Liz


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Thanks It is hard to deal with my parents, but I think i'm going to try not to let them get in the way of what i want to do. They are really hard to be around (although i still love them)  and as a result i haven't been seeing them quite as much. I do talk to my mom on the phone though.

Quote from: OliverR. on February 25, 2019, 06:22:02 PM
Thanks It is hard to deal with my parents, but I think i'm going to try not to let them get in the way of what i want to do. They are really hard to be around (although i still love them)  and as a result i haven't been seeing them quite as much. I do talk to my mom on the phone though.

For me it was dealing with the guilt that I felt when "going against" them ....it is such an emotionally charged interaction each time as I felt I was hurting them....it took a long time to get past this and to realise that I should not be made to feel guilty because of something I have no control over.

Yeah my mom makes me feel very guilty. Not too long ago she told me with teary eyes "But what about us???!!! What are we going to do??!"

With her comment about "nothing left for us here" I'm wondering if this is about grand children for her? You didn't mention having any. 

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Welcome to the forums OliverR.

What you are experiencing is a fairly common thing among transgender people. First I think it is wonderful that you have a husband who loves you so deeply that he has given you his full support with how you feel! That is such a huge thing to have! Being able to maintain a good relationship and sometimes closer one with a spouse is super high up on the list of people's concerns when considering transition.

Having a twin who also has experienced the same feelings you have is pretty encouraging as well. Have you spoken to him about the conversations your parents have had with him about everything? He may be able to share with you some of the ways he is coping with the changes.

LizK is completely correct in her comments about life. If your parents deserve to be happy and actively pursue that happiness, then you have just as much right to pursue your own happiness. It is apparent that they aren't thinking of your happiness as much as their own. My parents are the same way. My entire life they have used fear and passive aggressiveness to urge me to conform to what and how they think I should be. After many, many long conversations my dad finally asked me if there was anything he could say that would change my mind on going down the path of transitioning. I told him that there wasn't.
Since then, my parents have seemed to back off the entire confrontational front. They live many states away, so we don't see each other often. They are aware, or at least should be, that their level of acceptance with determine the closeness of our continued relationship. I have spent to much of my life trying to please others. It was a major factor that triggered decades of depression and anxiety. It is my time now, and I have had to make that clear to all my family.

As a parent myself, I want my children to be happy and healthy. I would never knowingly do anything to guilt them into living their lives for me. They are individuals with their own feelings and identity. They deserve to find themselves and live a happy life. I will support them in their ventures and do what I can to make life easier for them to navigate. Hopefully your parents will learn the same thing!

Thank you for sharing, and please feel free to keep us updated on how things go!
Lacy

No they don't have any grandchildren, which maybe is partly why she feels this way...She has said that she is embarrassed by both me and my brother and doesn't want anyone to know about us. She was already devastated when my brother came out and now that I have, she seems to be acting way more harsh towards me about it than when he came out. I've always been a very passive person (my brother's the opposite) and I think this is what is making this even harder for me, I hate it so much when people are mad or upset with me.  I suppose I should start thinking more about my husband and I than how they feel.

Oliver, I don't know about your relations with your parents, but I think they might be of a similar age as I.  We grew up not knowing about any of that whole transgender stuff.  In fact, I had no clue what was going on with me, I just knew that I was different than my peers, and different was mostly considered to be a negative thing!
Here are your parents sitting, not only having one child who is different, but two of them!  They might wonder, where they went wrong in raising you kids, after all, they did as good as they knew, and they feel guilty that they failed!

Would it help if a therapist would talk to them, explaining that it is not their fault that you kids are how you are?  Would they understand that it was a hormonal imbalance in the body of your mother while you were in the early stages of development, and that his is nobody's fault, but just the way mother nature decided to play the game?

Most parents hope to have grandchildren one day, and dream about how wonderful it will be to spoil them rotten, and once they are spoiled, send them back to their parents (it is payback time  ).  And here are your parents, who have all those dreams shattered, because it is likely that none of their kids will have children.  I am in a very similar situation, my son is as cis as they come, but he and his partner don't want to have kids, no matter what the reason, the result is the same.
My kids appeased me telling me that they can always adopt kids, if they feel like having some.  This is an OK compromise for me.  Would that help with your parents?
Please try to understand your parents, and try to talk with them on an adult level, without any of that blaming stuff, and hurt feelings.
My parents are gone since long, but I still miss them quite often, and I wish they could see me as a proud woman.  Most parents don't want to have a bad relation with their kids, because why would they, after all, they love them.  Try to understand each other, and try to leave any egos outside the room!  They will not live forever, and once they are gone you will miss them as much as I miss my parents!

Hugs
Linde

I actually tried to get her to come to a therapy appointment with me, but she refused:( I thought it would be a really good idea. And I can see how much pain she's going through with this, which is making it even harder for me to confront her and tell her I'm going to start HRT.....

Quote from: OliverR. on February 26, 2019, 10:14:38 AM
I actually tried to get her to come to a therapy appointment with me, but she refused:( I thought it would be a really good idea. And I can see how much pain she's going through with this, which is making it even harder for me to confront her and tell her I'm going to start HRT.....

Pain on either side does not help at all, just hardens the positions.  You guys have to find a way how to find together.
Unless you don't care and make a hard cut!
If you are continue like this, each of you will run into the ground.  The danger for you is that you loose your husband along the way, which in turn, might make a transition close to impossible for you!

Yeah, I'm thinking the best thing to do would be to back away for a little while (which I've been doing) let her grieve a little. I still call her, but I don't see her as much these days.