My life circumstances have brought on an interruption that has provided time for reflection and evaluation. 5 weeks ago I had an accident that put me in the hospital for 2 weeks, followed by a 16 ½ hour flight to get me back to the US, and continued rehabilitation while mobility is limited to a wheelchair as the body heals. A fallout of this was that I discontinued HRT simply because of separation from my medications. I went directly from the accident to the hospital, and then directly to the US without returning to my home to be able to pack up my supplies. As I am stealth for now, and coming out would mean immediate job termination, I could not ask the person packing for me, one of my staff members, to make sure that my HRT meds were included.
In the initial stages after the accident, perhaps 3 weeks, gender dysphoria was irrelevant. Between the pain from the injury, surgery, treatments, and therapy, there was neither the time nor the energy to worry about my gender dysphoria. That in itself brought some relief as a fundamental concern with my dysphoria has been my family, and how I deal with that. In many ways that was a relief, as that has been a persistent and nagging concern throughout my life – being MTF TG and yet working to fulfill and perform my role as a male – husband, father, son, brother, etc.
As the healing has taken its course, the gender dysphoria has returned in its full force. This is not a surprise to me, as I have experienced this sort of cycle in the past. Over the past couple of weeks I have spent many hours on here, reading your stories, hearing about your victories, trials, and sometimes defeats. I find myself missing the effects that HRT brings. As I have indicated before, my effects have been less directly emotional, and mostly physical. When I started this thread, I was concerned about my growing breast. Of course, the cessation of HRT, has brought the end of breast growth, and even a little reduction in size. As someone who has longed for congruency of mind and body, it is frustrating to see that my body is not changing toward my feminine perception of myself. And yet it relieves that stress of perhaps being prematurely "outed".
Reading discussions regarding clothing on this site, looking at catalogs, and generally being out and about have emphasized my hunger to dress as myself. Just yesterday while heading to a medical appointment, I passed a woman coming out of the office whose outfit I thought was a perfect expression of the way that I intend to present myself - a stylish, business/casual appearance that is polished, clean lines, and generally very attractive. I often travel to conferences during the spring season and have the chance for shopping either with friends, or individually. That is off the table for now with my continuing recovery and rehabilitation.
I have difficulty understanding how I can have periods when the dysphoria seems nonexistent, and other periods when I wonder how I can ever live without fulfilling myself as a woman. One of my major dysphoria modes is in social situations when I feel invisible – the person or people that I am interacting with cannot see who I am because they cannot see the woman hidden by the male veneer. Yet, at other times that is not an issue, perhaps because that is simply the way that I have had to live my entire life.
This post is not meant to be a complaint, but rather a reflection on the range of thoughts that I experience. Based on what I read from the rest of you, many of you have similar cycles. I have come to accept that this is the deck in life that I have been dealt and how I deal with it is an evolving process. For the moment things are on hold, and as I began, it offers time for reflection and evaluation.
