Hi, I've never done anything like this and I'm not sure where to begin, but I suppose the beginning is a good place.
Like so many others I've read about here, it was around 5 or 6 and just starting school where I started feeling that I was different.  All my friends untill then were girls and now I was being separated, making me anxious and lonley. I seemed to have nothing in common with the other boys, which continues to this day. I was always very shy and had low self esteem, I stayed in my room mostly, trying to hide away from a world that seemed hostile, unable to truly be myself.
After around third grade, I became attracted to girls, always unable to talk to them out of extreme shyness.
In my teens I started looking on the internet and discovered pornography, without going into detail, the only sort I enjoyed was with females in the dominant role. Looking on it now I can see how my submissive side, which I was always feeling guilty and shamed about, was actually the female inside trying to come through. After a few short lived relationships I finally found my soul mate In my mid 30,s and we were married and had our first son.  After my wife went back to work I decided to quit my job and be a stay at home dad for a while, I really enjoyed being able to start living using my natural maternal side. I've always been a caring, sensitive and emotional person, so for a brief time I could just be me. It was around that time I started questioning myself, I knew inside I was female, but I my attraction to females was confusing me, I knew I wasn't gay, but somehow (and wrongly) assumed all trans people were. So I "googled" lesbian in a male body, and found that I wasn't alone. That was four years ago and I'm still trying to work myself out, but before that moment my life was just one big confusing mess, now everything in my past seems to make sense. I am terrified, I do wish I could wake up and find it's all been a dream, but at least I can say that I am transgender and I am proud of it.
Thanks for reading,
Jessica xx

Dear Jessica

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you enjoy your time here.


Your history does have a familiar ring to it. I am glad you have found your way here. There are plenty of kindred souls and lots of information. Knowing you are trans is a big part of the battle and something many struggle with. You sounds very positive which is a great way to be especially if you are wanting to move forward.

So you are able to get the very best from being here there are a couple of links we give to all our new members

Regards

Liz

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Hi Jessica 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Welcome to the site Jessica.  I'm sure you will enjoy your time here.

Quote from: Jessicaeva on March 08, 2019, 09:53:17 PM
Hi, I've never done anything like this and I'm not sure where to begin, but I suppose the beginning is a good place.
Like so many others I've read about here, it was around 5 or 6 and just starting school where I started feeling that I was different.  All my friends untill then were girls and now I was being separated, making me anxious and lonley. I seemed to have nothing in common with the other boys, which continues to this day. I was always very shy and had low self esteem, I stayed in my room mostly, trying to hide away from a world that seemed hostile, unable to truly be myself.
After around third grade, I became attracted to girls, always unable to talk to them out of extreme shyness.
In my teens I started looking on the internet and discovered pornography, without going into detail, the only sort I enjoyed was with females in the dominant role. Looking on it now I can see how my submissive side, which I was always feeling guilty and shamed about, was actually the female inside trying to come through. After a few short lived relationships I finally found my soul mate In my mid 30,s and we were married and had our first son.  After my wife went back to work I decided to quit my job and be a stay at home dad for a while, I really enjoyed being able to start living using my natural maternal side. I've always been a caring, sensitive and emotional person, so for a brief time I could just be me. It was around that time I started questioning myself, I knew inside I was female, but I my attraction to females was confusing me, I knew I wasn't gay, but somehow (and wrongly) assumed all trans people were. So I "googled" lesbian in a male body, and found that I wasn't alone. That was four years ago and I'm still trying to work myself out, but before that moment my life was just one big confusing mess, now everything in my past seems to make sense. I am terrified, I do wish I could wake up and find it's all been a dream, but at least I can say that I am transgender and I am proud of it.
Thanks for reading,
Jessica xx

@Jessicaeva
Dear Jessica:
     I am so very glad that you have become a member here and this is your very first posting.   I am happy to see that you found the Susan's Place Forums.

    As you post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.

    I see that our lovely member  @LizK   but I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    Also I see that  LizK  has attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Hi Jessica

Welcome to susans 

Hope you enjoy your time here with us and can find the answers you are looking for.

Take care

Liz


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Hello Jessica,
Glad you have found yourself. Being transgender is not easy but I am glad to be called a transgender women.
I am a bisexual. That is I don't care what gender a person is. It's there mind and emotions that attract me.
Are you transitioning or is that some thing you are interested in doing in the future?
Anyway Welcome to Susan's

welcome enjoy

Thanks for your welcome messages, to answer your question jillieanne, I'm not transitioning, at least not yet.
I want to at least get therapy but there's not much help where I live as it's a small city. Only psychologists who just try to change my mind without listening to me. I really would like to try to transition, but I love my family and scared I'll lose them. I just need to find a balance somehow. I do feel welcome here at least, I can relate to nearly every post I read.