Well, I balked and I second-guessed myself a lot, but I saw my way through all the gatekeepers. I finally have no more gatekeepers to face but myself. I'm greenlit for Dr. Dugi this April. Just had my preop yesterday morning.
So what do I have to say when there are no gatekeepers but myself?
I tell myself what everyone else said to me, after many long therapy sessions baring my soul, getting to know my pain, making amends with the absurd, acknowledging myself as a whole being: yes.
I internalized a lot of doubt from people trying to manipulate me and change my mind, or begging me not to "make a huge mistake," but when I've trusted my doctors, they were never wrong about me. I ignored the doubters and I'm better for that.
Dr. Dugi seems to have gained confidence too, since we last met 3 1/2 years ago. He's done almost 200 surgeries since then, he says. He's really made the grade, as surgeons go. When I was assigned to him he was an unknown; now people come from out of state to see him. A friend of mine from Washington went to him and she LOVES what he did for her! In terms of function and sensation it's pretty remarkable what he can do.
So I've survived this journey, just about. One last big chance to take. No different than the day I sat on a bench in the park behind the Rite Aid and took my first Spiro with an Arizona ice tea thinking, "Here goes nothing." I've gained so much since then, learned so much.
Here goes nothing. Let's do this.
