This thread needs like 20 more pages. I'm sad to have reached the end of it.
Hi Charlie Nicki, I'm where you were a couple of years ago but I think much older. I love my husband and he assures me that we'll figure it all out but I fear for the future and I don't know if he can cope with a heterosexual relationship with me. Reading your ups and downs is strangely upsetting, terrifying, soothing, and reassuring all at the same time. We've never spoken but I feel like I know you in a way because you share so frankly and I want to give you a big hug. I definitely sacrificed some mascara (along with the blush contour and foundation that were taken out in the ensuing cascade) to the beauty gods for you today so I hope they smile kindly on your tomorrow and you wake up and have an exceptionally good day.
I find myself very afraid for the future and what kind of future it will be for me and the only solid hope I have right now is this community that is so beautiful. Seeing my fears and my pains lived out by others who have come so far in spite of them helps me get to the end of the day because I know I'm not alone and everyone here is so caring and supportive and instructional. It may sound corny but this thread is inspiring me, it's definitely getting bookmarked.
The only piece of advice I can give to you is that sometimes no matter how much you love someone, or how much they love you back, their very presence can become a toxicity all of it's own and it becomes necessary to break both hearts and just stop seeing them all together. I've had that broken heart that can't heal before. It was like a deep wound where being friends was like picking at it constantly. It never healed right and I still bear the scars. That and a quote that I put in a different thread but feels very true to me as long as I don't look in the mirror. "beauty is not in the eye of the beholder or the face of the beholden, but rather in the heart of both."
You seem like a very strong woman, your waves of depression and happiness are very hard to contend with over time and yet you persevere. I go through similar waves myself and found myself cheering at your growing boobs, your silkier hair, your birthday out, and getting angry at the makeup counter woman and wanting to work her up to a big sale and leave without buying, and feeling the pain of losing your love, and just crying. A lot-which is good. I don't like the emotionless haze of my adult life and opening up to my trans identity has been bringing a lot of things out that i need to feel. I still can't access my emotions the way i want but I hope to talk to my doctor about hormones soon and maybe they will help that.
Anyway I'm rambling my way around saying that you are obviously beautiful and strong. I hope I'm half as much because if I am then I will survive this terror and loneliness that I feel. I have my husband but I know no one who really understands what I'm grappling with outside of the interwebs and it's very isolating. So count another soul rooting for you, and being inspired by you. I'm a stranger, and you are my heroine today, just like those strangers on the street that weekend. I seem to be finding a lot of heroines on here. Have a hug from me, you'll have to give it to yourself or imagine it the next time your getting one in person, but know it's real and heartfelt. <3