No change in the gel at all

Sadie, that is good to know. I will measure the amount of T per day and see what reading I get. I need to get a blood test for HRT. Papillion wants to see my T and E and prolactin. I never had my E measured.
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My blood test for the operation showed high white blood counts. It has been high all my life. Papillion had a reference blood test from 2016 and it was high so I am clear for the operation in 9 days. Dr. McGinn will close off the bottom of my vagina and remove excess skin in my crotch area.
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This week something unusual occurred. I was going about my day at work and I realized at the end of the day that I did not think about what others thought when they saw me. I do not always think about what others are thinking but just when washing my hands in the bathroom or buying food in the food court. I try to see if they recognize I am trans. I guess I either no longer care or I do not pick up on others looking.

______________________________

I am pretty much ok with being alone now. Sometimes I get lonely but I keep busy and I am making new routines. Seeing others in a relationship sometimes has an impact but less as time goes by. I think it always will have an impact but not as much as before.
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I think this spring and summer I will be at the beach on the weekends. I can not wait for the warmer weather and long summer days.

Happy Spring.

I had a checkup at my voice doctors office today, Dr. Sataloff.  The video of my vocal folds vibrating showed  my left fold is starting to vibrate. The vocal fold vibratory flap is bit smaller than my right vocal fold flap but it has grown and started to vibrate. My voice has improved and continues to improve each week. My hoarseness has degreased a bit every few weeks.

My web looks much better and I think it continues to improve and assimilate.

I will try to upload the two videos and some pics this weekend. I will give it a try to show a pic history of my vocal work.
_______________________________________________

I think I am really starting to finally like who I am and find peace.

Happy Wednesday,
Rachel

I was at the gym today and did spin and then some lifting. A few of us from spin lift together on Sundays. So there is a guy that lifts with us. He also has changed to keto eating and he knows a person that make a lot of keto foods for sale. He said he would stop by tonight and give me some samples.  I replied can I have her phone number and I would give her food a try (stupid me, I got scared). Anyhow he gave me his phone number and said to call him.

He is very nice and I wonder if he was just being super nice or he wanted to stop over. He and another woman from spin gave me their phone numbers and they want me to let them know how I make out Wednesday. So, he also said he would do errands and shop for me when I am recouping. When the opportunity presented itself I chickened out. I had a feeling he was being super nice and there may be interest but it may be me making a leap.

So my fear stopped me from saying sure, stop by tonight. In the back of my mind I was thinking he is so nice and I was thinking this could lead to something. Then I chickened out.

So I am really starting to like the gym. There are people that go there 5  days a week and they are really nice. I can see myself getting much more involved in the gym.


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3 days till my revision surgery. I am starting to get nervous. I do not like anesthesia or the feeling when I wake up. I really do not want to be out of work either.
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Summer approaches and my body is coming along very well. I hope to be in my best shape ever this summer.

@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
Thank you for expressing your thoughts and concerns...
I am always careful to NOT jump into things like you mentioned particularly with giving out my phone number, agreeing to meet in less than public locations, etc.

As you are aware from reading my personal threads, especially my previous  "HUNTED PREY"  thread, I belong to a Gym-Gals group that includes me and 5 cis women.   We go to the gym once a week together and we have all become very good friends (my Dental Hygienist Suitor #4 is part of the group)

I had reported early last spring that at the gym that there was a creepy guy there that would stare at me and come on to me and basically made me feel very uncomfortable... he had asked me for my phone number and other personal information of which I refused to give to him.  I gave him the moniker of CreepyGymGuy#2 at the time.  It got really bad when he would sit on one of the machines right next to the women's changing room and stare at me most of the time that I was at the gym.   
I am a believer in "safety in numbers" and my friends in my gym-gals group acted as my body guards to help fend him off,  and finally his persistence and creepy tenacious behavior was thwarted.   

My only advice is to use your common sense.   If you feel so led to pursue any kind of a business deal, friendship or even a relationship with him it would be smart to initially  bring along some of your girlfriends from the gym, meet at a public place and see how it goes from there.

I know for a fact that it is exciting and so very affirming to get attention like that but please go forward slowly, carefully and initially with your girl friends with you.  "Safety in Numbers"

I am eager to follow your updates regarding all of this....
.....follow your heart but ALWAYS use wise judgement and self-control.
Hugs and best wishes,
Danielle

Quote from: Rachel on March 31, 2019, 02:10:26 PM
I was at the gym today and did spin and then some lifting. A few of us from spin lift together on Sundays. So there is a guy that lifts with us. He also has changed to keto eating and he knows a person that make a lot of keto foods for sale. He said he would stop by tonight and give me some samples.  I replied can I have her phone number and I would give her food a try (stupid me, I got scared). Anyhow he gave me his phone number and said to call him.

He is very nice and I wonder if he was just being super nice or he wanted to stop over. He and another woman from spin gave me their phone numbers and they want me to let them know how I make out Wednesday. So, he also said he would do errands and shop for me when I am recouping. When the opportunity presented itself I chickened out. I had a feeling he was being super nice and there may be interest but it may be me making a leap.

So my fear stopped me from saying sure, stop by tonight. In the back of my mind I was thinking he is so nice and I was thinking this could lead to something. Then I chickened out.

So I am really starting to like the gym. There are people that go there 5  days a week and they are really nice. I can see myself getting much more involved in the gym.
------------------------------------------------------------------
3 days till my revision surgery. I am starting to get nervous. I do not like anesthesia or the feeling when I wake up. I really do not want to be out of work either.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Summer approaches and my body is coming along very well. I hope to be in my best shape ever this summer.

@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
Great news.... just 3 days until your surgery!!!!
Please keep us all updated as you feel comfortable sharing.

I am counting down the days with you.
Hugs and more Hugs,  [emoji171]
Danielle

@Alaskan Danielle , thank you for the advise and support.

It is a very odd situation for me. I am tall and on the thin side. I have limited upper body strength. There are many woman at the gym that handle higher weights than me. This is a big guy and as such I feel a bit intimidated. Are there really people that are that nice? He offered to go out of his way and shop for me, give me sample keto foods and be there if I needed anything.  He gave me his phone number too.
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The second revision surgery is to close the bottom of my vagina. Dr. McGinn will loosen about 3 inches in radius on either side of my vagina bottom and then remove excess skin and close off the bottom of my vagina. So I expect to be unable to work out for a while (I will find out how long on the 8th at my post op appointment).

My vagina will be done. I never will have minora but it looks very good now. I can not wait to see how it looks after the surgery. I have a lot of sensation now. I can achieve an orgasm and have a lot of sensation. Perhaps T has played a large role in this. Perhaps loving my body and accepting who I am has played a large role. Maybe it is that the feeling is awesome with or without an orgasm and daily touching had made the difference.

I do know that I am configured the way I was meant to be and that has played a huge role in my new life. I like being me.

  Hey girl, I am rooting for you. Both on the revision (Hope all goes well) and with the date scene. Yes, I think he has been giving you interest signals... Good for you!

Hugs,
  Laurie

@laurie, thank you for your support. Your avatar looks awesome!  You rock.

You may be right, he may be interested. I do know, he is a super nice guy and may just be genuinely friendly. We have a group of people that are becoming friends at the gym.
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I received a call from Papillion today. Dr. McGinn and Christal were looking at my pictures of the area to be operated on Wednesday. They want to do lypo and add some fat on the  labia majora. I said yes and they will request payment from my insurance. I said either way what ever needs to be done I will pay if insurance does not.

I am going to have a beautiful kitty. I am so excited. When I had the first surgery I was happy to get rid of my gonads. The vagina needed work and the graph had issues. Lots of pain but I never thought I would have a beautiful vagina.  I am getting very excited. 

I woke up at midnight and thought it was Wednesday and was disappointed when I realized it is Monday.

A medical history person called me today from Capital Health asking the standard medical history questions. When done she gave me a phone number and said to call at 2:30 and ask when the procedure is scheduled.

I called at 2:30 and I was told to be at Capital Health at 5:00 AM tomorrow and that I am Dr. McGinn's first case.
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So I spoke with my therapist today and we discussed the gym and the guy asking to stop over last night with kito samples, he providing his number and the offer to do shopping or anything I needed. I had been thinking a lot about how I did not answer him about coming over and saying I have everything I need. He had repeated the offer several times. My therapist said it is a common response to be apprehensive to a person I really do not know and who offers to come over your house.

We discussed further. She asked how I felt. I said I want him to come over but I do not want him to come over. I told her I could not answer him. He then gave me his number and he said to call him. She said I froze and that it is common for a  survivor of abuse.

I will give him a text tomorrow when I get home tomorrow.

I am back home from surgery.

The Capital Health Hopewell / Pennington hospital is 7 years old, very clean and beautiful. I was treated with utmost respect and had a great experience.

Dr. McGinn and Chrystal are awesome as usual. Capital Health recruited Dr. McGinn. I think it will be an awesome for both parties. The hospital is super easy to get to and close to New Hope but on the New Jersey side.

I had lipo on my thigh for doner fat to my labia. I had excess skin in the crotch area removed and the bottom of my vagina closed. I am done. I have a catheter and I will be seeing them Friday at 9:00 to have it removed and perhaps Monday. I have two appointments, I will see Friday.

My insurance covered everything.

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I do not want to sit to pee and I am sore as anything down there. So It is weird to stand and empty my balder with a catheter valve. Tomorrow I will be back sitting I hope. It took my meds and some oxi from a previous operation. Relief is soon.

I have three scripts, one for oxi which the insurance will not cover, an anti-biotic and one for nausea. I have oxi from past operations and I will most likely not take any. There is pain but I think I can cope.

Dearest Rachel, and of course a fond "Hello!" to all of you here,

Such a road you have taken!  Inspiring, sobering, uplifting, and riveting!  May I say, you are lovely.  In these days of #metoo I'm delighted to think that you are an imposing woman...one that any unattached guy would love to get to know and I can see that he will have to behave himself around you!  I'm just not sure that YOU really believe it yet.  Pinch yourself, lady!  It is true!

A few years searching the forum off and on, and then BANG!  I fell into your story.  It took me three days to follow the thread.  What a wonderful group of women!  I think the behaviors that I expect from women are exemplified here, displayed over a six year timeline.  Rachel, I believe you are a special case.  I believe you have been blessed. I believe you have 'made it" and 'have it made'.  Of course you sacrificed. Of course you experienced the deepest of mental anguishes and physical pains.  Yet, we, on the outside, see the end in sight for you.  Minor skirmishes if you will, remain as you mop up the remainging 'enemies' of your perfect self vision.  Nonetheless, you are a successful professional woman, experiencing the normal loneliness and confusions all of us do.  You tipped from caring for others to caring full time for yourself.  As for passing, don't be silly.  You look marvelous.  I suspect you have achieved the beautiful 'beach body'.  Please recover soon and please, please continue to keep us in the loop.

I was so drawn to the opera of it all.  Your story is a fascinating vicarious tramp though another world. We can all of us appreciate you.  So, so, many of us here follow the trail of crumbs you leave behind.  Just look at the number of readers and hits on the site!  Do you have memoirs?  Or, perhaps THIS is your journal.  I see the beginnings of a book or even a made for serial production film in your story.  I would not wish the 'lows' of your experience on my worst enemy...yet I wish your sucesses for all of us. 

So many others of our sisters languish in the hell holes of the mind, body and soul.  My cousin, Brenda, is one such.  Even though she lives in the Seattle-Bremerton WA area with many more resources said to be LGBTQ friendly (especially when compared to my state of UT), she is clawing to survive.  She is your age and without financial resources, struggling to get even the basics of life...let alone achieve professional success.  For 35 years she suffered the prejudices of the male dominated establishments, a bigoted military health system, a twisted sense of national and local social priorities and especially an uncaring public. (Wow...I just realized what a tale she has!) In the end she hungers for the love and companionship of a fellow human, just as you do.  As we all do. 

Your story is a snapshot - daily, weekly and yearly, of a boy living in abuse, a man in turmoil, a girl trapped in battle, a woman waging a hidden war, a lovable female in an uneasy peace...and finally a fully fledged era of integrity to self and prosperity.  I for one commend your courage and have a sure confidence that you will harness your angst and your strength of character to find a soul mate...no matter the gender. 

I love your willingness to bare and share it all.

@damalie , thank you for your kind words. I stated my posted on Susan's because I was so scared and had a very difficult time coping. The people on here helped me so much. I am really lucky in many ways and it took me a long time to realize this. I hope the blog can help another person going through transition; in reality it was to help me get my thoughts out of my mind and onto electronic paper.

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Post op + 1day.
Bianna from Papillion called to check in. I had taken off the ace bandages on my thighs. Dr. McGinn removed fat from my left and right leg. Biana informed me to put the ace bandages back on.

I am in a good amount of pain and I am taking some oxi with Tylenol. The catheter leaks around urethra . 

I will take a look at my vagina later today just to see how it looks. I am very curious.

The holes where the canula was inserted  into my legs for fat removal was bleeding this morning. There was some blood from my vaginal area too.

I want to post pics of my vocal cords and need to just get that done.

][/url][/url]
Pic Nov 11, 2017 before Sadaloff cricoid thyroid subluxation.


Post cricoidthyroid subluxation from 135 HZ to 175 HZ with 20 HZ span up. Vocal fold stretched no other change.


May 22, 2018  8 days post op glottoplasty


June 20, 2018  one month post op glottoplasty. You can see a white stitch in the middle of the web.



Jan 30, 2018  Right side Rankies edema making up for the left vocal fold not moving.

[url=https://i.imgur.com/3xQkOOc.mp4[/url]
March 27,2019 movie of my vocal folds.  left vocal fold is starting to move and the right ramkies edema is much less. There is hope I will get a clear 220 HZ voice. I have the HZ I just need the clarity.




I hope this helps someone. I would not get a subluxation. The glottoplasty is a high percentage and as a such at least for me there is extended healing time.  The web scar tissue is softening.

I am back from Papillion. They removed the catheter and I had 4 hours of electrolysis. I see them again Monday.

I had fat removed from my thighs and injected into my labia. So now around my vagina it is puffy with fat similar to a cis vagina. Also, she closed of the bottom of the vagina and reconstructed the lower area. Dr. McGinn said to me you have no fat in your legs and she had to extract fat from both legs to get enough fat. They will be offering the labia fat filling procedure from now on. My insurance covered the fat filling procedure .

Dr. McGinn also repositioned the urethra (second time) and deepened my vagina between my clit and vaginal canal. My vagina looks much deeper now.

I am done with the vagina and I am very happy. Now for the healing and eventually trying it out.

Sorry, the link above does not work so I reposted the video.

March 27,2019 movie of my vocal folds.  left vocal fold is starting to move and the right ramkies edema is much less. There is hope I will get a clear 220 HZ voice. I have the HZ I just need the clarity.

https://i.imgur.com/3xQkOOc.mp4

 Rachel,
   I am glad to hear all is done. I do feel a bit confused and perhaps deceived. When I asked about the fat grafting down there, they said it wouldn't last and it was a waste of my time. The best they could do was to inject cadaver parts down there, really expensive stuff. Now, they sound like they changed their tune. I'm feeling like I got blown off by them. Could you tell me what they said about whether the grafting would last? Sorry, but this shocked me. So glad you are doing so well.
Moni

Hi Monica,

I may have things mixed up but I will relay what I was told.

Monday I received a call from Papillion. I was told Dr. McGinn and Christal were reviewing my photographs and they would like to include removing fat from my thigh and injecting it into the labia. I said yes. I was told they would request payment from my insurance. I said if my insurance does not pay for it I will.

I have poor skin in the area due to stretch marks when I was very heavy. Also I had no fat in that area. I have fat above the vagina.

I had the procedure Wednesday and had an electrolysis appointment there today at 9 to 1. Debbie was there. I was early. Debbie asked how I was feeling ( It was pretty painful). We discussed how my insurance company approved the fat graft but not oxi. I said it is ok and that I had oxi from another procedure. I did not take oxi after GCS or my first revision or FFS (2 days in the hospital I did). This hurts pretty bad. When I had GCS I was not given opioids due  to the low blood pressure for 2 days.

Debbie asked how I like the hospital and staff. I said the hospital is beautiful and the staff were very respectful. I was the 1st out patient there for Papillion. ( I know the second out patient that had her operation at 10:30). Debbie said that I was their 1st fat transfer patient and that they will offer it to others as a procedure.

Dr. McGinn came in and took me back for an exam and removed the catheter. That was the first time I viewed the work. Dr. McGinn mentioned the lack of fat on my legs and the muscle. She also reminded me that it will not be perfect but much better. She said the goal is to keep the fat in place and hence all the stitches. One side is larger than the other but that can be swelling. Dr. McGinn said if I did not have all the stiches to corral the fat it would just spread and not remain in the labia.

This is fat that was removed from me and injected into my labia. I am assuming the technique with adding the stitches makes a huge difference. (just a guess) Otherwise I am assuming a more solid piece of fat would have to be used (just a guess).

So, I am guessing but when you inquired I do not think they offered the procedure. I was told I was the first to receive it.

Thanks Rach,

   I might have to write them a note. Sometimes I think doctors don't want to bother and give you an answer just to move you on. I didn't want to think this of McGinn but this and her answer on labia minora have me wondering. I did more catching up on your thread. Glad to see you happy and adjusting. Maybe we could meet up at the beach some time.
Moni

  Hi Rachael. I am pleased to see that your medical procedures went well and hope it all heals as hoped for.

Hugs,
  Laurie