This question quite puzzles me. It implies being feminine is a deliberate act, performance you choose to act on when you wish. Not saying that is wrong or anything. But it does imply it's a button you can switch on and off when you would like. That's not my experience at all.

My experience is that everyone outside myself perceived me as feminine no matter what I did, or no matter how quiet I was. It was my energy, the way I talked, moved, sounded, behaved, and yes probably some stereotypical likes/dislikes but even regarding those, if people did not know them, they would still perceive me as feminine if relying only on my appearance and how I acted.

So, no, I can't say I'm afraid of being feminine. I was more afraid of the consequences of being perceived as such, which it did have many, prior to transitioning, at age 18.

Quote from: Aurorasky on April 22, 2019, 05:29:52 PM
This question quite puzzles me. It implies being feminine is a deliberate act, performance you choose to act on when you wish. Not saying that is wrong or anything. But it does imply it's a button you can switch on and off when you would like. That's not my experience at all.

It's not that simple. Many of us were actively encouraged to suppress who we were, so much so that we didn't know who we were until much later in life.

It isn't easy. I was in my thirties before I could function acceptably in society. I spent my early years struggling with gender dysphoria that was so deeply buried that I didn't know what it was. When you've spent decades forcing yourself into a man-suit, and then the lights come on, all those habits of thought and action don't simply vanish. They hang around and cause trouble. Under those circumstances, it takes femininity time to fully flower.

When I first came out to myself, there were aspects of my femininity that began to express themselves immediately; and it was glorious. But others have taken time to emerge. As I say, it takes a long time to clear away the man-crap. The same impulse that finally broke awareness out of its male prison will eventually prove victorious over all aspects of the personality; but it takes time. It's not a matter of turning it on; it's a matter of setting it free, a little bit at a time.

It's scary for a woman who's been masquerading as a man to start acting like herself. The same threats that prevented her from being who she was in the first place are still there, and have been reinforced over the years.

If there are consistent themes to these many pages, posts and threads one biggie is facing our fears.  My fears have been so deep and so well reinforced as to have seemingly paralyzed my ability to think or act in defiance of them.  Yes, we could write essays chronicling our fears but to what end?

Yes we do and will know fear.  Yes, the promise of relief and release is real.  Especially if we can see that fear itself is the enemy within.  We act.  We stand up for our dreams and the truth of who we are.

I still remember a gentleman pulling me aside in a mall anchor store and explaining that I wasn't suppose to be enjoying the experience of shopping!  He explained how I was suppose do it!!! (over 3 decades ago)

I'm sure that VS appreciates that I'm into  retail therapy.  They have really good sales on holidays like Easter.