OMG, I have tears in my eyes from reading your post.  I love your family!!  How I wish that all of us could have had such support at home.  You are making the world better by your example!

Jilian you are so beautiful. Thank you for being an example of a mother's love. XO

Quote from: Jilian on April 20, 2019, 12:20:07 PM
Thanks, I'll certainly let her know about this website. She's already super feminine- always has been so that makes things easier. She's also an amazing artist and makeup artist so she's got the makeup down pat. She went thrifting with her grandma yesterday and came home with a whole new wardrobe, I'm teaching her about bras and how to flatter her shape to give the illusion of feminine curves. I also had to give her the talk about dressing too provocatively and getting unwanted male attention. I like the idea of a self defense class.

She told me yesterday that she wants to be a feminist and show the world that women can achieve great things. I'm really proud of her. I, myself am a woman working in a male dominated-field (accounting) and I work hard to clear a spot for women in the upper level and empower them to advance their careers. I'd love to see her do the same, especially for LGBT women.

She's doing very well today. She loves her new clothes and came out to her younger brother and sister at dinner last night. She said she'd like us all to start using female pronouns and we agreed and told her she was very brave to tell us all. She's considering coming out to her cousins tomorrow at Easter. That should go very well too as one of her cousins is trans (FTM). Monday I meet with her school and she gave me her blessing to tell them and work out the bathroom and locker room logistics.

Oh! And I ordered her a rose gold wig. She is SO EXCITED. I'll see if she'll let me post a pic of her when she tries it on. She's so beautiful, wait til you all see her!

Your daughter is so lucky! You have no idea how much difference you are going to make in her life allowing her to be authentic from the start.

Lots of ups and downs with my daughter lately. Monday she went back to school after being discharged from her partial program and that went very well. She came out to several people and got lots of support. Then Tuesday she had another very anxious day at school and her therapist prepared her for the possibility that GEMS may not treat her with blockers or hormones without her father's consent. That threw her into a deep, dark depression. I've never seen her drop that low. It broke my heart and made me realize that this is most certainly not just a phase for her. I reminded her that we have many options (ask for permission, fight in court for permission, find other ways to get blockers, etc) and she's feeling a little more positive today. Now that she's out and has acceptance she wants her transition to be done already. I did some research on foods that block testosterone and have estrogen and ended up going out to buy her some soy beans and soy milk. That made her feel like she's at least taking some steps in the right direction. Tonight she starts group therapy with other teens who deal with anxiety and depression. I'm also waiting for a call back from Children's Hospital to see if they can do blockers without her father's permission. He's a Jehovah's witness and getting his acceptance will be hard - he's also completely uninvolved in her life both emotionally and financially. It angers me that he even gets a say with how absent he's been.

Jilian

There is a lot of comments and advice on the post. But I just want to give you a hug for doing what my parents didn't want to do for me as a teen.

Best of luck I hope you find a way to help your daughter.

Jilian, you guys can do it!  As long as you stick together and pull on the rope into the same direction, it will work!

My ex, an educator, made a big sign she stuck to the fridge, reading "we can work it out and make it happen".
each time our son had problems, she told him to read the sign!  And we did work it out and made it happen.  And so will you!  Te path may be rocky, but nobody said it would be easy!  Just be there for your daughter and continue to be the great mom you are!

You can work it out and make it happen!

Good luck and lots of hugs!
Linde

I commend you for supporting your daughter at a time in her life where she really needs support.  Blockers were not available when I was growing up in the 60's and 70's.  If they had been my entire life would have been different (better).  You are making a big difference in her life. I don't know for sure but as far as her father goes you may be able to get blockers with just your consent.

Boston Children's has a very good trans program. She can find support there for HRT and therapy.

She can also find support in community but it needs to be an age appropriate program with a therapist present.

Depression is something that unfortunately accompanies large change and being in transition qualifies as very large change. It is very important to support her identity, which it sounds like you are doing. Love her and encourage her and most of all be there for her.

She is who she is supposed to be and transition is very stressful. In time with proper positive reinforcement and friends she will grow her identity and harden her outer shell.

I am in Philly and there are several trans woman that do hair, electrolysis, laser and makeup and are very good with the kids. Perhaps you can find that in Boston too.

People are people and many have agendas. I have not had an issue. There were a few guys that tried to solicited me but I was talking to another trans woman on a corner in a location where sex work occurs. Being seen as a trans woman or a woman is very different than being seen as male. So she will need a crash coarse on what the differences are between male and female and the issue of safety.

Hi Jillian. Welcome to the site. First of all you are helping your daughter more than you might realize just by being accepting and supportive. That makes a huge difference. My situation was a little different than your daughters. It was actually my mother who was unaccepting. Thankfully my dad was very accepting and supportive. Like your daughter I was very feminine and wore makeup. My family all assumed I was just gay. I was afraid to come out as trans. My dad is a former Marine and is now a cop. He's pretty much the stereotypical masculine guy. I was afraid he wouldn't accept me being trans. Strangely enough a week after I turned 17 my dad actually just came out and asked me if I wanted to be a girl. He made sure to tell me it was ok if I did. Within 2 months I was in therapy and on HRT. My dad has been extremely supportive. He found my therapist and a doctor who would prescribe HRT. He helped me research surgeons and I had my GRS last May at the age of 20, which he payed for. He also went with me to have the surgery. I can't even imagine what life would have been like or where I would be right now without his love and support. I also have to give my older brother credit as well. I was afraid he wouldn't accept me being trans. But he also has been very supportive and loving through my transition.  As for regrets, I have absolutely none. I am extremely thankful I was able to transition young and now at the age of 20 the surgery and entire transition is done and behind me. I think your daughter will feel the same way once it's all over. By transitioning young, like me, she will never have to deal with trying to pretend to be an adult male. Your daughter is already ahead because she has your support. I just can't emphasize enough how important that is and how much easier it makes the tragedy of being born trans. As for her dad, he will either grow to accept her or he will not. She may have to face cutting him out of her life at some point. I know that sounds cold but sometimes that is the only option for dealing with non accepting people. Unfortunately I had to cut my mom out of my life. She now lives in another state and I don't speak to her. But hopefully your daughter's dad will come to accept her. Feel free to PM me if I can help you with anything else. I don't have the life experience most of the ladies here do but I do know what it's like to transition young.
Julia..

Thank you all for the encouragement!

Dietlind, I like your sign idea. I think we're going to need a refrigerator sign here too.

Amore & Danielle, thank you both!

Rachel, I'm happy to see you posting here. Your very long transition thread is the first one I read on this forum. I read the whole thing and it gave me hope and I shared what I learned with my daughter. There is SO MUCH trans support here in Boston, we're very lucky for that.

Julia, I'm sorry about your mother - that's hard. But yay for your dad's support! That is surprising- a marine & police officer is the last person I'd expect to be supportive but I'm so glad he is.

We're still plugging along here with ups and downs. My sister got married Friday and my daughter wore a dress to the wedding. I was so nervous for her putting herself out there like that but it went very well. All of our family members now know...lol. She looked very much like a cis girl in her dress and no one batted an eye or gave her a second look when we were out and about.

When she was auditioning dresses for the wedding and came out in the dress she chose my H (her stepdad who has been in her life since she was 2) broke down crying. He said "you just look so beautiful and it's like I'm seeing you for the first time". They've gotten very close during this process. Oddly she's been super confrontational with me. Lots of hurtful comments about my appearance. I think it's just part of the process? She's judging everything about me, my clothes, makeup, hair. It's exhausting. We're usually very close so I'm hoping we get back to that eventually.

I hope my comment about my daughter looking like a cis girl isn't offensive. I don't think that any trans woman needs to aim for that.  But my daughter has set that goal for herself, so it felt like a win for her. Her current goal is for no one to know that she was ever born with male parts. I'm sure that goal will evolve but that's where she's at right now. I'm over here reminding her that women come in all varieties and that gender is a spectrum. She's still just 16 though so I cut her some slack.

Hi Jilian, I'm amazed to see how much you do to support your daughter. You are running on love and would do anything for her, it's obvious. If people would be like you everywhere, it would be a very harmonious world for trans people with no need to hide or to fear attacks of any kind. Everyone would know and would understand. Your daughter is really lucky to have you.

The exchange of the cape for the dress melted my heart. I'm sorry that your daughter has anxiety issues, I also had them all my life. I know what it is to skip school or exiting with panic attacks but for me it was not about being trans at this time so your context is different. I still know the struggle and the consequences. I know it's hard. But you are boosting her self confidence and esteem, she can just become more affirmative and convinced of her right to be who she is, and even more, how a wonderful person she is, and more able to defend herself and trust in herself. Anxiety feeds a lot of lack of those things. But your daughter seems to enjoy be herself so much, she looks strong and happy despite all the difficulties. Combined with your care and your love, I think she will be okay and surely never forget how much you helped her.

I would like to say why she fights you sometimes, but I don't know, I always assumed that teens and parents end up like this for a while, whatever the context is. But she could certainly not blame your lack of support! I guess the best is to ask her why she is angry. It seems about your appearance but this is probably not the real answer.

If your daughter is really looking like a cis girl, it's even more wonderful for her! Everything can be easier, and she can also accept herself easier. With this advantage, her will and a mother like you, at my opinion she looks like one of the most lucky trans girls around!

Wow... there are many people here who would've killed to have had a parent who appears to be as supportive as you.

I struggle every day with the sense of fear, shame, embarrassment... and that is mostly fear of coming out to my parents and those who know me. It is a dead weight around my neck. So reassuring your daughter that you accept her and are there for her is one massive relief for any trans person. For me, acceptance is a huge step and it scares the hell out of me... so knowing that people have my back and are there to support me is the best gift you can give her.

Also knowing other trans people in real life is also a big relief because it demonstrates that you are not the only person out there suffering dysphoria... the internet is great and I got some amazing help from Moni and others online which I will be eternally grateful but the support I get from my local trans group is vitally important to me. Until I stepped through that door, I was expecting cross dressing men / drag queens but to meet people in real life who suffered dysphoria too and at varying degrees of transition from fully transitioned to just starting out like me... that made a huge difference for me... and they care about me too. They worry about me and they help me when I need it. I find it difficult to come out but knowing there are people who care about me and support me... I really can't stress how important they are to me.

So I think you are doing all the right things to help your daughter. Knowing you have her back and support her will remove at least half of the fear. It is so nice to hear about people like yourself in the world and truly wish your daughter all the best in her transition.

love
Alice

Quote from: Jilian on April 30, 2019, 07:07:07 AM
I hope my comment about my daughter looking like a cis girl isn't offensive. I don't think that any trans woman needs to aim for that.  But my daughter has set that goal for herself, so it felt like a win for her. Her current goal is for no one to know that she was ever born with male parts. I'm sure that goal will evolve but that's where she's at right now. I'm over here reminding her that women come in all varieties and that gender is a spectrum. She's still just 16 though so I cut her some slack.

I doubt anyone was offended by your comment. I had the same goal as your daughter though I didn't word it the same. I just said my goal was to be 100% passable. I'm happy to say I achieved that goal. Your daughter has an excellent chance of achieving the same since she is starting young. I was lucky because I never go thy facial hair, my voice never dropped into the male range and I'm small. 5'4 112 lbs. All that is a bit of a miracle considering my older brother is 6'4 and very muscular. Though I got lucky with male puberty I got the short end of the gene pool being albino. As for your daughter being critical and a bit nasty I think I might know why. She may have some resentment towards you because you were born female. I know that sounds weird but I went through th hat with my mom. I had resentment toward her because she was female. I would watch her put on makeup and get dressed in her beautiful clothes and I was so resentful because I couldn't do the same. Your daughter may be expressing past resentment that's built up over time. She might not even realize why she's doing. Hopefully she will get over it soon

Alice, I'm so sad to hear that you struggle with fear, embarrassment and shame. It makes me sad that anyone should be made to feel embarrassed or ashamed of who they are. But I know that the world has been brutal to trans people so I can see why the fear would be there. I'm so glad you've found support. You deserve to be celebrated for who you are.

Julia, I think you're right. She may just be annoyed that I don't have the same struggles that she's having when it comes to being female. I'm trying to ignore her comments and not take them personally. Unfortunately she has gone through quite a bit of male puberty. She's grown quite tall and has a little facial hair. Her jaw structure has changed a little but it's not overly masculine. Hopefully we can get into children's hospital sooner than August to start the blockers.