Normally, I'd spend a bit more time browsing and getting a feel of the lay of land before posting, but my participation here is not only about me, so I figured I'd jump right on in. I'll also apologize in advance for the use of gendered terminology as I lay out my story - it is not malicious, I am simply trying to parse this out in my own head and my motivation is to help my child through their journey. My main motivation right now is to help them get to a place where they can be happy, but I'm not 100% sure how I can do that, so any insights or advice would be greatly appreciated. From here on, I'm going to use a lot of female gendered wording, only because it makes it easier to parse our history to date - again, I am not doing so maliciously, I'm working my own way through this as much as my child is.

A little over 13 years ago, my wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, and I honestly never thought it was possible to love anything as much as I loved the baby I held in my arms that day. I've always done my best to raise her without any expectations with regard to gender roles, and in fact was quoted as saying that the first person who told her she couldn't or shouldn't do something because she was a girl would get a slap in the face (I meant it metaphorically, as I've never really been able to pull off the toxic masculine look...), but the point is that I always treated her as a human child, not as a stereotypical girl.

Being a bit of a geek myself, I exposed her to my interests fairly early on, with video games, comics and sci-fi/fantasy stuff being a major part of our relationship over the years. By the time she was 10, we were going to watch Marvel movies in the cinema, and one of happiest moments of my life was when we went to see The Force Awakens together, and she enjoyed it just as much as I did. By this point, I knew she was very much like me in the way she interacted with other people - very introverted and analytical. She had a few close friends, but was not really keen to be in large groups and struggled in some social situations - it was almost like looking into a mirror.

Anxiety issues then started coming up. And that's the reason I'm here. The anxiety issues started to morph into dysphoria issues. She first came out to me a couple months ago, telling me that she felt she was pansexual. I wasn't really sure of the best way to respond, but I basically said that it really doesn't matter to me. If she was happy, then I was happy for her. Her mother was on the same page as me, so we both kinda left it alone. We've already gotten a referral to see someone for her anxiety, so we weren't too worried about where she was going.

Then, about six weeks ago, she started asking about dysphoria. She said she didn't feel right when she looked in the mirror. She said she wasn't comfortable presenting as a girl. She asked us to use gender neutral terms for her at home. I want to be very clear here for a second - I personally have no problem with any of her requests, and my use of female pronouns is really down to a few little hang ups I have (it feels like I'm dehumanizing my child with I drop the gendered pronouns, so I'm reluctant to do so in most contexts - but I can and will work through that). But we've just moved up from social anxiety, to questioning sexuality, to dysphoria in the space of weeks.

I understand that when something is wrong, you just know that something is wrong. And we've started the process of getting her into a gender support group near where we live. I don't really know what I need, but I guess I'm just uncertain how to navigate this. Obviously (I say that, but I know for many people, it's not so obvious...), I want to support my child through this journey, and I want them to be happy with who they are. But honestly, I'm afraid of all the self-righteous douchenozzles out there who take it upon themselves to ruin my child's day/week/month/year/life because they can't accept someone that doesn't fit their ideas of what other people should be. The social anxiety is something we share, and although I've had a lot of practice training myself to deal with it, my child is setting up to walk a much more difficult path that I ever have.

This evening she asked me about public bathrooms. Honestly, I personally hate public bathrooms, and I'm a cisgender white man. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like for my child to walk into one of those.

I'm just really feeling lost right now, and while I was offering whatever support I could, I really didn't know how to answer those questions. To my knowledge, the laws here in Canada allow for one to use the bathroom that most closely matches one's gender identity, but I'm not even 100% sure about that.

Seriously, anything that anyone could offer me at this point would be helpful. I'm simultaneously trying to be supportive while trying to hide my fear of the inherent dangers of walking that non-conforming path.

Thanks.

Your child is very lucky to have you. Support by a parent makes all the difference. My father was very supportive. He found therapists and doctors for me and recently paid for my GRS. Things would have been so much harder for me without his support. You are helping your child a great deal just by being supportive.

Hi Mr. Turquoise 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

I think it great that you support your child, continue with that and see what direction it takes


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Hugs

V M

Welcome to Susan's Place. One should be careful about what they see in the news. The world is really pretty accepting so there is little that you or your child needs to worry about. There are a few place you might need to be careful but that's true for CIS people as well.

I have never been physically or verbally attacked in the years I have been living as a woman and that includes a good many years where people weren't as accepting over gender variations as they are today. As long as you can accept the fact that there isn't any danger to your child, your child will accept that and should be comfortable in society.

I know that Canada is a more tolerant environment that the U.S. but others will have to address the differences because I haven't had any experience with the Canadian legal system. There are several Canadians on the site and perhaps one of them will post to this thread.

Welcome, glad you are trying to help your child and that your love for them is so strong.  The bathroom issue is a very stick one as it bucks social norms that have been in place for generations.  Also, there are folk that wish to sensationalize the issue conflating our dysphoria with some sort of sexual perversion that presents some sort of risk to others.  The basic question of "where can I pee?" Should not be so complicated.  It is a basic human function that transcends gender or political beliefs....or should.  There are apps for smart phones that help identify gender neutral or "family" restrooms that can be used.

Again, much respect for your efforts. I wish you and your child well.

Best regards,

Bea

Hi Mr. Turquoise

I am so glad you are trying to help your child and that your love for your child is so very very strong. Hopefully this love will never ever ends for both of you. Such a great and deep love is the key to a happy live.

With all the Best
Margrit

Thanks for kind and welcoming messages. Honestly, I was pretty overwhelmed the other day, and getting all that out was probably more about making sense of things for myself than anything else. I know we'll get through this, but I feel a bit like I'm stumbling in the dark.

When I have a little more time, I will read the links provided and will try to keep everyone posted on how things are going.

Thanks again.

Hi, Mr. Turquoise.  I would like to join the others in welcoming you, and congratulating you on supporting your child.  It is always heartwarming to see a parent supporting their children like this.

Quote from: Mr. Turquoise on April 27, 2019, 11:03:25 PMTo my knowledge, the laws here in Canada allow for one to use the bathroom that most closely matches one's gender identity, but I'm not even 100% sure about that.

There are no laws in Canada about bathrooms specifically. 

What the laws do is prohibit any discrimination on the grounds of gender identity.  So if there is a men's washroom, the property manager is not allowed to say that only cis men can use it.  By law, identifying it as a men's room means that both cis and trans men can use it.

Non-binary people should feel free to self-identify which washroom they will use.