Quote from: Gabrielle66 on April 12, 2019, 01:51:46 AM
YAY! I have my appointment set. Monday May 13th I will be taking my next big step towards authenticity. I'm so excited for this journey to start a physical manifestation. I realize that extreme physical changes are rare and take a relatively long time to show but I am praying that I will be that fortunate anomaly who has major physical changes. Developing well defined and obvious breasts are high on my list of hopes as well as a much rounder butt. I have to do my part with much more exercise. The other miracle I hope for is that my pot belly will invert to give me some key nd of an hourglass type of shape. Love and faith to all my sisters.

Gabrielle

That's awesome!  It is feeling painfully slow so far for me, but their are already changes, and those little steps are very empowering.


Starting a simple 20 minute a day core work out designed to suck in the muscles at the mid torso (cinching your waist) can really help give you a more curvy figure.  When I am in my form fitting clothes at home, which is skin tight, I look pretty female from the neck down, and I credit most of it to cinching my waist with exercise.  It is also really good for your overall health!  I will never have a wasp waist or full booty, but it has made a surprising difference.

I am also REALLY hoping hrt might reposition some belly fat to my hips.  My Mom is a bit of a pear shape, so I might get lucky.

I am equally hopeful that hrt will help with my body dysphoria by changing the sculpting. /crosses fingers for both of us...

Quote from: Gabrielle66 on April 12, 2019, 01:51:46 AM
YAY! I have my appointment set. Monday May 13th I will be taking my next big step towards authenticity. I'm so excited for this journey to start a physical manifestation. I realize that extreme physical changes are rare and take a relatively long time to show but I am praying that I will be that fortunate anomaly who has major physical changes. Developing well defined and obvious breasts are high on my list of hopes as well as a much rounder butt. I have to do my part with much more exercise. The other miracle I hope for is that my pot belly will invert to give me some key nd of an hourglass type of shape. Love and faith to all my sisters.

Gabrielle

That is awesome news Gabby! The changes will come along slowly, and sports bras will become your best friends once your nipples become sensitive. HRT did help my butt quite a bit, but the breasts I hoped for never quite materialized. After two years of HRT I was a padded 36B, so my visit to Dr. Ley for GCS included a visit from the breast fairy and I am now a 38D! I wish you all the best.  Love always -- Jessica Rose

Thank you so much for all of the encouragement during my latest twists and turns. I had another hiccup this morning. After setting an appointment with me last week, the endocrinologist's office called this morning to cancel my appointment. The doctor will not treat transsexuals. So after a frustrating bump and a little venting I found another endocrinologist a little further away that will indeed treat me. This new doctor is female, which I prefer. Plus, she will be able to give me an appointment in as little as two weeks. So yay for team Gabby! Love and faith.

Gabrielle

Update:

My appointment is set for the 29th in the afternoon. There are so many things running through my head right now. This is real. It's actually happening. I'm exhilarated because this is truly what I want but fearful that this will be the point that my wife can't move past. Thank you all for your continued support and well wishes. Have a wonderful day and I'll talk to you soon. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

Gabby:

Just so you know you're not / weren't alone.

I had some problems locating an endo.  I'd honestly started looking at the planned parenthood clinics in my area that provided hormones on an 'informed consent' basis.

I did catch a break.  In my case I had the epiphany of reaching out to a lady I worked with years ago.  She's a trans woman.

She put me in touch with her endo, and for me it has worked perfectly.  I was leary of having a doctor that wouldn't coordinate with my PCP and Cardiologist.  (My whole purpose for accepting my transness is to face my coping mechanisms that were slowly killing me.) How else can my endo (who works a lot with the trans community) look at single set of labs to prescribe the exact level of hormones so that when I go back for my first follow up I'm spot on!!!!  (Yes after 4 months I have some boobs!!!!)


Delays are incredibly frustrating.   Yes, I've started crying!!!!


But you know what: Delays can be the best thing that happen to you.

Starting out, assuming you're like me, your flying blind.  For me the delays and the restarts have been the best thing for me.

I cried when I was delayed, but in the end it's been better for me!!!!


I recently found Anne Bodecker's work.  She was a therapist in New England that wrote a couple of 'How to Become a Woman' books.  I read the first chapter and started bawling.  It was SO ME!'

Starts and Stops are the nature of our Hero/Heroine journey.  Cry when you must!  Once you have the tears out of your system, take a deep breath, and start again / move on!

With regards to Kenna, will she go with you?

Patty went with me.  Yes at times it was uncomfortable.  My endo brought Patty into the conversation and answered her questions.  It was very stressful but probably the best thing.

With sisterly love
Kate


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Quote from: Gabrielle66 on April 16, 2019, 02:07:40 PM
Update:

My appointment is set for the 29th in the afternoon. There are so many things running through my head right now. This is real. It's actually happening. I'm exhilarated because this is truly what I want but fearful that this will be the point that my wife can't move past. Thank you all for your continued support and well wishes. Have a wonderful day and I'll talk to you soon. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

It's so hard to wait, and sometimes, so overwhelming when you take a big step.  I feel you.  Kate's post resonated with me as well.

Quote from: Gabrielle66 on April 16, 2019, 02:07:40 PM
Update:

My appointment is set for the 29th in the afternoon. There are so many things running through my head right now. This is real. It's actually happening. I'm exhilarated because this is truly what I want but fearful that this will be the point that my wife can't move past. Thank you all for your continued support and well wishes. Have a wonderful day and I'll talk to you soon. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

I was nervous and scared at my first appointment. I didn't even tell my wife about it, I knew she would be mad as hell. Of course not telling her just delayed her response, and potentially made it worse. Through the miracle of love my wife has stayed with me. The first 18 months or so on HRT was like going through puberty all over again, but this time I was moving in the direction I wanted to go. As always, I wish you the best of luck.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

So this is real now. After who knows how many odd hurdles I have a real appointment on Thursday morning at 10:40. Am I scared? Yes. Am I excited? Yes.

Please give me some input on what to expect from this visit? What are the most important questions that I can ask? Will she likely give me some kind of prescription on my first visit? I know that bloodwork is essential for them to understand what's going on but will they need some results of blood tests before giving me some kind of prescription for the various medications involved with HRT.

I am so scared about the future but I want this more than anything else right now. I need to have a physical sense of how I feel inside. Just knowing that I am female is not enough. I really need some physical validation for my own sanity. I don't know how much longer I can pretend and wear men's clothes all of the time. It hurts to look at myself in the mirror wearing these clothes. I know that it's vain but I really want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and feel like I am pretty.

Thanks so much to all of you who have helped me to get this far. You are my heroes. Love and faith to you all.

Gabrielle

Exciting news Gabrielle!  It is scary as hell... but little steps and trust me when the e starts hitting your system, after the first week you will start feeling better... won't be much in the way of other changes and it doesn't stop the dysphoria but it does lessen the down days. And because you won't be depressed all the time constantly anymore, your wife might start liking you more (mine did). So don't be scared... it will be a while before anything starts showing... nipples become erect after about 6 weeks on low dosage... not sure if full dosage makes that happen quicker... but that's about it so far. Personally, I was on a high for the first couple of weeks because I was taking a step forward. Little steps and we will get there in the end.

love
Alice

Quote from: Alice (nym) on May 06, 2019, 10:28:04 PM
Exciting news Gabrielle!  It is scary as hell... but little steps and trust me when the e starts hitting your system, after the first week you will start feeling better... won't be much in the way of other changes and it doesn't stop the dysphoria but it does lessen the down days. And because you won't be depressed all the time constantly anymore, your wife might start liking you more (mine did). So don't be scared... it will be a while before anything starts showing... nipples become erect after about 6 weeks on low dosage... not sure if full dosage makes that happen quicker... but that's about it so far. Personally, I was on a high for the first couple of weeks because I was taking a step forward. Little steps and we will get there in the end.

love
Alice

Alice,

Thank you for the encouragement. I'm so happy to hear that you have been able to start on hormones yourself. It's also exciting to hear that your wife has warmed to you. That's such wonderful news. I have decided to open up to my supervisor at work and begin exploring how I am going to transition at work. I told my second co-worker about being transgender. She was super supportive and said she is totally in my corner. I have been thinking a great deal about cross dressing lately. I have to get a pretty outfit. The need has become almost unbearable at this point. I'm hoping that this step will give me the courage to finally start being myself. I'm so tired of being fake. Please keep in touch Alice. I love our little exchanges. Love you sweetie.

Gabrielle

Quote from: Gabrielle66 on May 06, 2019, 07:11:20 PM
So this is real now. After who knows how many odd hurdles I have a real appointment on Thursday morning at 10:40. Am I scared? Yes. Am I excited? Yes.

Please give me some input on what to expect from this visit? What are the most important questions that I can ask? Will she likely give me some kind of prescription on my first visit? I know that bloodwork is essential for them to understand what's going on but will they need some results of blood tests before giving me some kind of prescription for the various medications involved with HRT.

I am so scared about the future but I want this more than anything else right now. I need to have a physical sense of how I feel inside. Just knowing that I am female is not enough. I really need some physical validation for my own sanity. I don't know how much longer I can pretend and wear men's clothes all of the time. It hurts to look at myself in the mirror wearing these clothes. I know that it's vain but I really want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and feel like I am pretty.

Thanks so much to all of you who have helped me to get this far. You are my heroes. Love and faith to you all.

Gabrielle

Hi Gabby:

Congratulations.

I remember being so scared stiff (like you) such that the happiness was temporarily suppressed.

If your appointment goes anything like mine, she's going to ask about your therapy, your support system, your family and what they know and don't know, and your plans.

For example she may ask who you've come out to.

She'll also talk to you about side effects.  In my case, my endo flat out asked if I wanted breasts.   I sheepishly answered yes.  (My wife was with me and I felt very awkward answering the question in her presence.)

My endo then brought my wife into the conversation, and asked her about her feelings and concerns.  My endo patiently answered every question she had.

You probably won't get the script(s) until your lab work comes back.  Your endo needs to see your natural levels of E & T as well as your Liver and Kidney function.  Once those labs are back, then she'll know the dosage level to prescribe.

I got a little lucky in that my PCP 1) helped me find my endo, and 2) ordered the lab work my endo would need.  So I did get my scripts coming out of my first appointment because we had basically a 2 week old lab report in my Electronic Medical Record to review. 

I also got lucky in that the endo I'm seeing works with many trans clients.  On my 3 month follow up, my hormones were right on target.  We didn't need to adjust any dosages!

Once you get your scripts you may have a temporary hiccup with your insurance (if your involving them.)  My insurance initially balked at my E script as a male.  I had to get my gender marker with them changed to 'transgender.'  (Yes, Aetna recognizes 'transgender' in addition to male & female - or maybe more accurately AMAB & AFAB.)  It wasn't hard because everything was well documented by my therapist and PCP in the claims that had already been submitted.  It just took a couple of weeks.  So even after my endo wrote the script it took almost 3 weeks to get it covered by insurance and filled.

The last question my endo asked was when I wanted her to change my name and gender marker with the hospital system and on my electronic medical record.  I didn't give her a concrete answer at that appointment, but I'm thinking I'll ask her to do it during my 9 month follow up.  Yes I have breasts now, I let my hair grow out, and am losing weight which makes me feel I'm close to reasonably passing.

Finally, side note, when I saw her again for my 3 month follow up she asked me about my 3 daughters. (Remember I said your endo probably will ask about your family, and who you have, and have not come out to.) I have not come out to them.  My endo flat out told me - It's time.  Been working on how to do that with my therapist.  I expect to have those conversations by Memorial Day weekend.  We don't think I can go topless anymore while boating.  :-p

Kate


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Quote from: Alice (nym) on May 06, 2019, 10:28:04 PM
Exciting news Gabrielle!  It is scary as hell... but little steps and trust me when the e starts hitting your system, after the first week you will start feeling better... won't be much in the way of other changes and it doesn't stop the dysphoria but it does lessen the down days. And because you won't be depressed all the time constantly anymore, your wife might start liking you more (mine did). So don't be scared... it will be a while before anything starts showing... nipples become erect after about 6 weeks on low dosage... not sure if full dosage makes that happen quicker... but that's about it so far. Personally, I was on a high for the first couple of weeks because I was taking a step forward. Little steps and we will get there in the end.

love
Alice

Alice:

Just to add to your experience.

I started full dose and I wasn't really any different than you.

In my case I started the 1st week of December 2018.  Like you, I didn't really notice anything at first.  Then after a very hectic Christmas Eve, after everyone else had gone to bed, about 1 in the morning Christmas Day, I sat down on the living room love seat to relax for a few minutes.  In that stillness, with a fire burning in our fireplace, I realized, that after 58 years, I finally was at peace with myself.  I remember that as my best Christmas gift ever!

Kate


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It was lovely to catch up with your story Gabrielle, I took a couple of months break from Susans because I got into a bit of a heated debate and needed to let things cool down. I have a lot of support elsewhere now offline but I still love it here and appreciate the support and wouldn't like to do anything that got me banned.

I sent you a PM... not sure it went through or not... it wasn't important though.

Take care and enjoy your journey!  Great to hear that you are coming out to people and they're supportive. I struggle with coming out... but slowly getting over my fear.

love
Alice

I am so nervous. I'm heading to my endocrinologist for my first visit in about an hour. I feel like I might throw up. I hope that she will be my heroine and not a disappointment. I have waited 52 years for this day. Now I'm just a bundle of nerves. I just know this is the right path for me but God help me I am still so scared of everything right now. Thank you all again for your words of encouragement and your own inspiring journeys that helped give me the courage to be authentic. I love you all. Love and faith.

Gabrielle

I was scared about my first appointment as well, mainly because I didn't know what to expect. The doctor was awesome! She asked me why I wanted to start hormones, then told me what to expect. After I signed the consent forms the prescription was on the way to my pharmacy. The first step is a big one, and there will be more big steps to follow. I hope your appointment went well, and I wish you all the best!

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Update time. I liked Dr Brar. She was serious but kind and I felt a good connection right away. She gave me a rundown of the risks that I will face but didn't try to discourage me at all. She was concerned about how Kenna was uncomfortable and cried more than once. She gave me a full lab panel and explained to me exactly what each test is going to measure. Because of Kenna's obvious distress, Dr Brar suggested we talk to each other and give it a month before I come back to come to a decision about how to proceed.

She told me that she would call me after she got the results of my blood work to let me know if I should address anything with my PCP before starting on Estrogen. She told me that she would start with Estrogen alone for the first three months before considering the anti androgens.

I'm feeling a lot of different emotions right now but I'm so grateful to have this opportunity. My whole life I have been confused and now I have the chance to feel whole. I wish that I had understood that this was possible when I was younger. My life without Kenna would be less beautiful in one sense but I also would have been able to feel real and complete many years ago. I don't want to spend my life looking backwards though. I prefer to keep myself focused on the future. The beautiful possibilities that lie ahead.

I'm thinking about the near future where I am wearing something frilly and girly. Something bright and beautiful. Something that makes me smile when I look at myself in the mirror. I want to experience the whole package. Stockings, a dress, garter belt, and pretty shoes. Plus I want to carry a purse that I choose for myself. I think that pierced ears and some earrings would be awesome too. I'm just praying that I don't have some hidden medical condition that would put me at too high of a risk.

Love and faith to you all.

Gabrielle

Quote from: Gabrielle66 on May 09, 2019, 08:26:36 PM
Update time. I liked Dr Brar. She was serious but kind and I felt a good connection right away. She gave me a rundown of the risks that I will face but didn't try to discourage me at all. She was concerned about how Kenna was uncomfortable and cried more than once. She gave me a full lab panel and explained to me exactly what each test is going to measure. Because of Kenna's obvious distress, Dr Brar suggested we talk to each other and give it a month before I come back to come to a decision about how to proceed.

She told me that she would call me after she got the results of my blood work to let me know if I should address anything with my PCP before starting on Estrogen. She told me that she would start with Estrogen alone for the first three months before considering the anti androgens.

I'm feeling a lot of different emotions right now but I'm so grateful to have this opportunity. My whole life I have been confused and now I have the chance to feel whole. I wish that I had understood that this was possible when I was younger. My life without Kenna would be less beautiful in one sense but I also would have been able to feel real and complete many years ago. I don't want to spend my life looking backwards though. I prefer to keep myself focused on the future. The beautiful possibilities that lie ahead.

I'm thinking about the near future where I am wearing something frilly and girly. Something bright and beautiful. Something that makes me smile when I look at myself in the mirror. I want to experience the whole package. Stockings, a dress, garter belt, and pretty shoes. Plus I want to carry a purse that I choose for myself. I think that pierced ears and some earrings would be awesome too. I'm just praying that I don't have some hidden medical condition that would put me at too high of a risk.

Love and faith to you all.

Gabrielle

Thanks for the update!

I'd say you found a very good endo!!!   

As my transition coach keeps admonishing me, as frustrating as it is, if we want to keep our key relationships, we must, at times, go very slow!!! 

Dr. Brar's recognition of Kenna's needs, while painful to you, gives the two of you the best chance of surviving as a couple.

That said, and as one living this life with you, I had a thought.  Girly may be out of the picture right now, but small steps can be taken.  Would Kenna consent to you piercing your ears?

I was struggling, like you, with my spouse.  I needed to take some small step forward.  I talked to Patty and she agreed that it would be OK for me to pierce my ears.

I went to Claire's at their open one morning, chose the real diamond studs, which are very small, and began wearing earings.   As time went on, I started wearing larger stones.  I recently added a pair of hoops to my collection. While not as girly as I ultimately want-it's progress.

The best part of the whole deal happened shortly before last Christmas.  Our youngest daughter was visiting, with her family, and her husband noted the sparkling of my earlobes.  He Commented to my daughter and she responded:  "Oh, he's threatened to do that for years." and kept right on with building a ginger bread house with Patty and her daughters / out granddaughters.

Sometimes, a very small step can help us feel so much better.

Kate


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Quote from: Gabrielle66 on May 09, 2019, 08:26:36 PM
Update time. I liked Dr Brar. She was serious but kind and I felt a good connection right away. She gave me a rundown of the risks that I will face but didn't try to discourage me at all. She was concerned about how Kenna was uncomfortable and cried more than once. She gave me a full lab panel and explained to me exactly what each test is going to measure. Because of Kenna's obvious distress, Dr Brar suggested we talk to each other and give it a month before I come back to come to a decision about how to proceed.

She told me that she would call me after she got the results of my blood work to let me know if I should address anything with my PCP before starting on Estrogen. She told me that she would start with Estrogen alone for the first three months before considering the anti androgens.

I'm feeling a lot of different emotions right now but I'm so grateful to have this opportunity. My whole life I have been confused and now I have the chance to feel whole. I wish that I had understood that this was possible when I was younger. My life without Kenna would be less beautiful in one sense but I also would have been able to feel real and complete many years ago. I don't want to spend my life looking backwards though. I prefer to keep myself focused on the future. The beautiful possibilities that lie ahead.

I'm thinking about the near future where I am wearing something frilly and girly. Something bright and beautiful. Something that makes me smile when I look at myself in the mirror. I want to experience the whole package. Stockings, a dress, garter belt, and pretty shoes. Plus I want to carry a purse that I choose for myself. I think that pierced ears and some earrings would be awesome too. I'm just praying that I don't have some hidden medical condition that would put me at too high of a risk.

Love and faith to you all.

Gabrielle

Thanks for the update!

I'd say you found a very good endo!!!   

As my transition coach keeps admonishing me, as frustrating as it is, if we want to keep our key relationships, we must, at times, go very slow!!! 

Dr. Brar's recognition of Kenna's needs, while painful to you, gives the two of you the best chance of surviving as a couple.

That said, and as one living this life with you, I had a thought.  Girly may be out of the picture right now, but small steps can be taken.  Would Kenna consent to you piercing your ears?

I was struggling, like you, with my spouse.  I needed to take some small step forward.  I talked to Patty and she agreed that it would be OK for me to pierce my ears.

I went to Claire's at their open one morning, chose the real diamond studs, which are very small, and began wearing earings.   As time went on, I started wearing larger stones.  I recently added a pair of hoops to my collection. While not as girly as I ultimately want-it's progress.

The best part of the whole deal happened shortly before last Christmas.  Our youngest daughter was visiting, with her family, and her husband noted the sparkling of my earlobes.  He Commented to my daughter and she responded:  "Oh, he's threatened to do that for years." and kept right on with building a ginger bread house with Patty and her daughters / out granddaughters.

Sometimes, a very small step can help us feel so much better.

Kate


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