Relationships, what odd things!

In high school I had a "boyfriend" for about two years.  Though, really the extent of that was playing video games and making out.  That's really the closest thing to a relationship I've had.  Just that and a lot of random making out.

Another thing Kikly,
In your current state, you probably don't need to be looking.

Focus on figuring out who and what you are first. When you do that, it will become easier. If you do not understand yourself, how can you expect someone else to. A relationship could just mess with your head further and end tragic.

Focus on yourself for a bit.

Quote from: betapleatedsheet on April 18, 2008, 06:26:38 PM
Relationships, what odd things!

In high school I had a "boyfriend" for about two years.  Though, really the extent of that was playing video games and making out.  That's really the closest thing to a relationship I've had.  Just that and a lot of random making out.

that's all I want.

Heck yeah, making out rocks my socks!

To add a dash of drunk wisdom to this thread, there's a lot moremaking out-itly attracted to thank sexualy attracted to.  Probably because I don't think I want a penis in me.  But making out is glorious anyway.

Quote from: sd on April 18, 2008, 07:49:03 PM
Focus on figuring out who and what you are first.

On the other hand, the proper SO can help in the process which may last your entire life. Ideally, a couple exchanging mutual unconditional support can do what a single person might not dare. My wife thought I matched the profile of the unibomber. We were in the same places about the same times. Were it not for her, I could have been happy living the life of a hermit in some Montana cabin. Though being possessed of mild androgyne-like temperament, I doubt I would be sending out bombs.

It don't hurt to keep one's eyes open,
S

Quote from: Simone Louise on April 19, 2008, 11:36:44 AM
It don't hurt to keep one's eyes open,
S

You're right Simone, but dwelling on it is not good either.

Thanks for kind words of support

Quote from: Nero on April 18, 2008, 04:17:32 PM
Love is overrated. Avoid it if you can. Just enjoy having no strings.

not helpful nero

Love is like air Its only an issue if you can't get any - like me  I've never had "strings" & feel i need it to survive

i've always looked for friends then tried to turn friends into something more - without being too pushy. I'll stick to that tactic for a while or until someone offers to help me out

Quote from: Kikly on April 19, 2008, 06:04:27 PM
Thanks for kind words of support

Quote from: Nero on April 18, 2008, 04:17:32 PM
Love is overrated. Avoid it if you can. Just enjoy having no strings.

not helpful nero

Love is like air Its only an issue if you can't get any - like me  I've never had "strings" & feel i need it to survive

i've always looked for friends then tried to turn friends into something more - without being too pushy. I'll stick to that tactic for a while or until someone offers to help me out

I apologize. I can be a bit flippant at times. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I really would like to help, hon.

Okay - here goes:

Love isn't something you do. Love is something that happens to you. Once you stop looking for it, it will be there.
As far as your present tactic with friends - I don't know. I've had friends I wanted something more from and friends that wanted something more from me and neither scenario has worked out.

It sucks you're feeling lonely and I wish I could help.
May I ask why you feel you need it to survive?

Quote from: Nero on April 19, 2008, 06:24:00 PM

Quote from: Kikly on April 19, 2008, 06:04:27 PM
Thanks for kind words of support

Quote from: Nero on April 18, 2008, 04:17:32 PM
Love is overrated. Avoid it if you can. Just enjoy having no strings.

not helpful nero

Love is like air Its only an issue if you can't get any - like me  I've never had "strings" & feel i need it to survive

i've always looked for friends then tried to turn friends into something more - without being too pushy. I'll stick to that tactic for a while or until someone offers to help me out

I apologize. I can be a bit flippant at times. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart. I really would like to help, hon.

Okay - here goes:

Love isn't something you do. Love is something that happens to you. Once you stop looking for it, it will be there.
As far as your present tactic with friends - I don't know. I've had friends I wanted something more from and friends that wanted something more from me and neither scenario has worked out.

It sucks you're feeling lonely and I wish I could help.
May I ask why you feel you need it to survive?

I'm a very emotional person
i dont know if this will make since but I feel like I have a limited supply of positive energy when I'm with friends and feel like I'm supported my supply increases. when ever i feel negative emotions it goes down currently the main downers are envy and loneliness I feel envious of people who are happy and in relationship when they flaunting it infront of me (seems that way)  I try to keep myself busy so as not to dwell on my loneliness.  I know that when my positive energy is almost gone I'll dip into deprision and start to consider suicide.  I'm hopeful that I won't try again after last time. being as relationship issues have the strongest pull in both directions I don't know how i will survive long term without a S.O.     

every long term successful relationship that i know of the couple were friends before they were lovers

You're going to find someone.  Don't worry about that part of it.   

I need it to survive too...I feel your loneliness.    *hugs*  Feel better soon!

I got my first gf when I was 5.  I kept goign through them and guys.   I was 17 before I was single for the first time in my life, lol.

Quote from: Rebis on April 20, 2008, 08:26:39 AM

You're going to find someone.  Don't worry about that part of it.   

but what if you are paralysed by fear when you find them (and i am m'dear.)

Quote from: Pica Pica on April 20, 2008, 08:15:38 PM

Quote from: Rebis on April 20, 2008, 08:26:39 AM

You're going to find someone.  Don't worry about that part of it.   

but what if you are paralysed by fear when you find them (and i am m'dear.)

That question is beyond my limited experience, and yet, I feel compelled to ramble on about it.

      When I was young, I just wouldn't say anything to anyone ever and I would just suffer miserably.  Now that I'm an old swine, I don't think I'd have an issue with talking to someone about it.  It's not a terrible thing to like someone or to be liked by someone (unless it's a stalker).

      I believe how it works for me now (because I can't actually try it because I'm already with someone), is that I can tell someone how I feel about them and allow them the freedom to not feel burdened by having to reciprocate. I'd let them know I can handle things the way they are if they have no desire to do otherwise.  Also, I'd let them know that they are not hurting me because I can feel for someone while accepting that they feel differently.
      I don't know if this comes with age or experience.  Considering my lack of experience, I would think age.

so, all you have to do is wait 20 years.   

Quote from: Pica Pica on April 20, 2008, 08:15:38 PM

but what if you are paralysed by fear when you find them (and i am m'dear.)

What Rebis said applies to me as well.

My advice is you can get up the nerve and try, or sit and do nothing. I don't recomend the latter.

Remember Pica, they are human just like you. You can always hope the other person will make a move, but they may be waiting for you. I am not saying it is easy, just that if no one does anything, you get nowhere. Unfortunately, like Rebis it took me a long time as well.

I guess the only thing I can really add to what Rebis said is, try not to take as long.

what if you are paralysed by fear

Look for someone else who's not moving either then.  I'm sure there are just as many people of the 'other' (no matter what that other might be) who feel as you do.

I just think that all too often what people think is a 'relationship" is defined by therapists as 'co-dependency.'

Quote from: sd on April 21, 2008, 12:41:32 AM
Remember Pica, they are human just like you.

but taller

Quote from: Rebis on April 21, 2008, 09:03:23 AM

Quote from: sd on April 21, 2008, 12:41:32 AM
Remember Pica, they are human just like you.

but taller

Being human doesn't help. That means they have their own insecurities and hangups. At best, you're going to get ambiguous, inconsistent, and indecisive messages from them. So you need to be prepared to lose face, to be perplexed, to make mistakes, and all that stuff. It'd be a whole lot easier to court an android, but less fun and less rewarding.

I've come to rely on my observation that the person I am attracted to is usually attracted to me. Begin with baby steps; go with instincts; be honest with self. Being rejected hurts--period. A little snuggling makes up for a lot of hurt.

My first wife and I still belong to the same synagogue. Last night, the two of us and our current spouses shared a table there for dinner. Her husband is English with a thick Northern accent, a machine tool maker, likes to work on and sell cars, a secularist who loves arguments (he gets frustrated when he tries to argue with me), probably not an androgyne. I asked for the divorce, and it still hurt and took a long time to reconcile with.

I am happier now. When my wife and I first became an item, friends raised their eyebrows. She knows all my buttons, and we have some intense fights (and I hang onto a grudge longer than she). I am pretty much a loner and a self-contained person. I am far from understanding and coming to terms with who I am. Never have I regretted taking a chance on a relationship.

Pica Pica, you who are such a leader and androgyne role model, lovable in pants or dress--you can face and rise above your fears.

You deserve the best,
S

That's it.  I vote we create an androgyne dating service and make it easier on everyone. 


I think my biggest problem is letting myself feel something for another person.  I'm ridiculously detached.  I have no idea how to connect with other people.  Any connections I have now happened by accident.  I can't sympathize with people, I HATE empty talk (my roommates drown me in it), and I just don't have a clue how to relate to people.  I think I'm a little self centered.    I just don't care about much...or many people.  But the people I do connect with I care about very much, it's just I don't know how to connect.  *sigh*  But small talk is so exhausting!!!  I just don't have it in me to sit through a spiel that I care nothing about...

So about that dating service...

Quote from: Jaimey on April 21, 2008, 07:44:15 PM
That's it.  I vote we create an androgyne dating service and make it easier on everyone. 


I think my biggest problem is letting myself feel something for another person.  I'm ridiculously detached.  I have no idea how to connect with other people.  Any connections I have now happened by accident.  I can't sympathize with people, I HATE empty talk (my roommates drown me in it), and I just don't have a clue how to relate to people.  I think I'm a little self centered.    I just don't care about much...or many people.  But the people I do connect with I care about very much, it's just I don't know how to connect.  *sigh*  But small talk is so exhausting!!!  I just don't have it in me to sit through a spiel that I care nothing about...

So about that dating service...

maybe you're more self aware.  That's what I consider myself.  Most people are not aware of themselves to the degree or in the way we are hyper-aware about ourselves.

    Also, it is probably a self defensive thing to not connect with everyone so easily.  Otherwise we'd be killed by our own empathy.  I don't feel guilty about the detached part of me.  I've learned that when the heart is needed, it will make it's appearance in a big way.