I wish Id done so much sooner. But sadly, I realize now the NHS may well halt my transition and gatekeep me further. I was told I'd need to get my family on my side in order to have a support network. Now the only person who I was out to is dying, my brother has physically assaulted me twice in six months and my father didn't even give enough of a damn to look out for me. I've sought legal advice and the history of violence and neglect means I am basically a long running victim of domestic abuse. I totally expect this to be used against me in therapy and appointments, and I also expect that my soon to be sudden change of living conditions (without my mother I will have no defense from the narcissism and no one to listen to me) will get in the way.

I should have been Roxanne for years by now. Not approaching my 30's.

You don't need any approval to transition. Walk away from your family ASAP

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I don't know the situation but hopefully you can be there for her in this time of need.

In regards to the rest of your family once your mom passes I agree it'd get out. You don't need to keep accepting the abuse.

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Get away from the abuse ASAP!  It's obvious that they are not going to accept the new you, so it sounds like you don't need them in your life right now, if ever. 

It's too bad about your mom.  Love her all you can while she's still around, she sounds amazing.

You are over the legal age, so you shouldn't need anyone else's "approval," to go to your appointments and do what you need to do to be happy.  See if there's a support group you can get to, they can help you through this trying time.  it sounds like you need IRL transgender friends around you. 

Don't forget, we're also here for you.  Keep us up to date, okay?

Good luck.

Ryuichi

If you therapist requires a member of the family assist you, tell them what each one of them has done to you and then ask them who you should rely on. At your age, you should be able to care for yourself. Yes a support network is helpful but it's possible to get by without one. On the other hand, you may have someone who isn't family that can assist you when needed.

I have had two co-workers drive me to/from the doctors when I needed to go under for minor surgical procedures.  I also had a friend drive me to a half dozen or so therapy sessions.

Quote from: Dena on May 24, 2019, 03:37:22 PM
If you therapist requires a member of the family assist you, tell them what each one of them has done to you and then ask them who you should rely on. At your age, you should be able to care for yourself. Yes a support network is helpful but it's possible to get by without one. On the other hand, you may have someone who isn't family that can assist you when needed.

The thing is it was then argued by one of them on the NHS that this 'cross dressing' is down to my 'need to be witnessed within the family dynamics' (exactly what I would expect a Freudian doctor to spout). The second opinion said they are worried if I come out they will end up suicidally depressed and alone. Jokes on them, Im always depressed.

Okay the NHS shouldn't be demanding this of you, that's not part of the NICE guidelines on trans care and I reccomend looking those up and maybe printing out a copy. If your therapist is being needlessly difficult, ask for a new one. Yes it may delay your care, but ultimately you get crap doctors and great doctors on the NHS and it really does seem to be luck of the drawer.

I mean i've had doctors who've sat by my side while I drifted in and out of conciousness and held my hand and spoken to me in soothing tones and i've had doctors who've yelled in my face and accused me of making stuff up.
You get the whoooole range on the NHS and sadly because of the way it works we feel stuck with what we get, but legally we DO have that choice to ask for a new or different person.

is this therapist one of the GIC therapists or just some generic therapist?

I dare say it but it may even be worthwhile going private for some of this. It costs several hundred pounds but you tend to get a quality of care the NHS simply cannot provide. Maybe crowdfund?

Do you have friends you can lean on instead of family? Your family sound toxic and honestly gatekeeping your transition is NOT going to help the situation and these therapists sound like asses.
I'd complain via the patient advocasy liason too if you can. They should not be treating you like this.

You're a grown adult, you do NOT need your family to support your transition and any medical professional trying to force that is NOT on your side.

It really sounds like you're being let down and your therapist is not in your corner. you need a therapist who is.

Take care alright? And remember that you aren't alone.

Quote from: F_P_M on May 28, 2019, 05:21:40 AM
Okay the NHS shouldn't be demanding this of you, that's not part of the NICE guidelines on trans care and I reccomend looking those up and maybe printing out a copy. If your therapist is being needlessly difficult, ask for a new one. Yes it may delay your care, but ultimately you get crap doctors and great doctors on the NHS and it really does seem to be luck of the drawer.

I mean i've had doctors who've sat by my side while I drifted in and out of conciousness and held my hand and spoken to me in soothing tones and i've had doctors who've yelled in my face and accused me of making stuff up.
You get the whoooole range on the NHS and sadly because of the way it works we feel stuck with what we get, but legally we DO have that choice to ask for a new or different person.

is this therapist one of the GIC therapists or just some generic therapist?

I dare say it but it may even be worthwhile going private for some of this. It costs several hundred pounds but you tend to get a quality of care the NHS simply cannot provide. Maybe crowdfund?

Do you have friends you can lean on instead of family? Your family sound toxic and honestly gatekeeping your transition is NOT going to help the situation and these therapists sound like asses.
I'd complain via the patient advocasy liason too if you can. They should not be treating you like this.

You're a grown adult, you do NOT need your family to support your transition and any medical professional trying to force that is NOT on your side.

It really sounds like you're being let down and your therapist is not in your corner. you need a therapist who is.

Take care alright? And remember that you aren't alone.

Thats the thing, it was two. The first one I complained about and the service just gave me a verbal apology and a second opinion. The second opinion told me he wants me to have a bigger support network, get my family on my side if possible and see them again in a year or two (then discharged me). At least he wasn't dishonest like the first person I saw. When I complained about how he spoke to me and things he said, he denied it and the service told me I had no physical evidence (for spoken word? Yes Im just going to put a sack in his face and bring the contents to the front desk?) and without a chaperone I have no proof (funny, they use the arguement no chaperone means that unless this doctor agrees, his word will be taken as 'clinical findings.')

I was screwed over by the health services, so Im prepared to spend money on private care that will see me faster. The NHS would put me back on waiting lists over over a year for another assessment. I may not have this long.

Sorry to hear you faced such treatment. I feared I can face it too, and I contacted with local support group, asking them for friendly specialists. Maybe you can do this too?

I have to admit, I don't know how NHS works in your country, but if nothing else, maybe look for a Transgender support group near you.  They can be your support group.

Those doctors were gatekeepers and you might just be better off going private.

Good luck.

Ryuichi

Jaybutterfly,  I'm sorry to read your troubles, the NHS and GICs have a bad history of this behaviour, but I thought they were past the worst of it.

I will say they are right about a support network though. I lost my wife, 90% access to my children, and my parents when I transitioned, but I made sure I had a network. I found a good local support group, I found and work with a therapist (who wrote useful letters to the GIC), some great neighbours, work colleagues and ofc the Susan's gang; I can share my troubles with all these people, and I've certainly needed to at several times.

The GIC look for red flags (unemployment, drink/drugs, depression, social isolation,  financial instability). If you can sit in front of them relaxed, and put their minds at ease about those and that you've got a support network (even if it's not family) then they should treat you well.

If you feel you've been treated unprofessionally, then contact the PALS (patient advice liason service) for their support.

Good luck. X

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Jaybutterfly

I hope you dont mind but I went through your previous posts to help as much as I can. When I first went the NHS, back in 2008 or something, they weren't great with me.

Looking at your posts it looks like you saw a helpful Doctor in October 2018 and that a plan was set down for you but that the letter came back from them afterwards saying you're not a good candidate for transition. I take from that we're talking Leeds GIC who haven't given you the service you need right?

I dont know where you're from but is your GP supportive? Sometimes if you have a valid complaint they can try and send you to a different GIC, especially if your GP is aware of what is going on at home with the family. It might mean a journey to Charing Cross instead, but getting a good doctor is better than the alternative.

You spoke about going forwards with a transition plan at the time. I'm aware of everything with your mum and I'm so so sorry about that. But have you started to build up a social support network? I fully agree with Megan. I had a good support network around me and though this would be easy. Its not. Its the most difficult thing I've ever had to do I needed that network around me.

The NHS is in real difficulty at the moment. Its GIC staff are overstretched with referrals and they're constantly getting bad press (from groups who I won't mention here). They have to be so so careful with referrals for treatment that, again as Megan says, they're looking for red flags, other diagnoses that need to be considered and that you're able to go through it.

You might need to go at least something of the private route. Perhaps even just obtaining a private psych report to start the ball rolling.

Have you also looked at counselling? Not specifically gender related but more generally including the gender issues. It might help

Good luck and as a support group everyone from Susans is here

Emma x

Quote from: jaybutterfly on May 28, 2019, 04:20:33 PM

I was screwed over by the health services, so Im prepared to spend money on private care that will see me faster.

Hello again Jaybutterfly

As you know we have corresponded before and I am so sorry to read of your latest sad update of May 24th.

From your latest point above and as others have advised, I think you should indeed consider the private route at least for the start of the process and for some continuity from which you should hopefully benefit.

I think the two things you need at the start are a good NHSGP and some counselling. You may wish to consider GenderGP for therapy perhaps followed by HRT.

I wish you happiness and success whichever options you choose.

Hugs

Pamela  xx 

Quote from: emma-f on May 29, 2019, 03:06:20 AM
Jaybutterfly

I hope you dont mind but I went through your previous posts to help as much as I can. When I first went the NHS, back in 2008 or something, they weren't great with me.

Looking at your posts it looks like you saw a helpful Doctor in October 2018 and that a plan was set down for you but that the letter came back from them afterwards saying you're not a good candidate for transition. I take from that we're talking Leeds GIC who haven't given you the service you need right?

I dont know where you're from but is your GP supportive? Sometimes if you have a valid complaint they can try and send you to a different GIC, especially if your GP is aware of what is going on at home with the family. It might mean a journey to Charing Cross instead, but getting a good doctor is better than the alternative.

You spoke about going forwards with a transition plan at the time. I'm aware of everything with your mum and I'm so so sorry about that. But have you started to build up a social support network? I fully agree with Megan. I had a good support network around me and though this would be easy. Its not. Its the most difficult thing I've ever had to do I needed that network around me.

The NHS is in real difficulty at the moment. Its GIC staff are overstretched with referrals and they're constantly getting bad press (from groups who I won't mention here). They have to be so so careful with referrals for treatment that, again as Megan says, they're looking for red flags, other diagnoses that need to be considered and that you're able to go through it.

You might need to go at least something of the private route. Perhaps even just obtaining a private psych report to start the ball rolling.

Have you also looked at counselling? Not specifically gender related but more generally including the gender issues. It might help

Good luck and as a support group everyone from Susans is here

Emma x

No problem. I saw one who was helpful. That was the second opinion. He pointed me to PinkTherapy in manchester and Im seeing a counsellor through them. Thing is they are pretty certain within two sessions that Im trans as well.

As far as GP's go, the practice I go to has multiple doctors, but the one who I really confide in is a gay man, and he's super supportive with everything and was the first one to connect me to a GIC, he actually referred me for two, but I jumped at the soonest appointment (which seems to have backfired). Before that, I was sent to cognitive behavioural therapists and counsellors, one of which seemed very uncomfortable with trans people and just told me they thought I was gay. I explained I wasn't into guys and she got all 'well have you tried it?'

What's the wait times like at Charring Cross, Im talking to a doctor who works there who does private work through GenderCare and I might be able to see them in a few months.

As far as my social network I am now out to: the two friends who are getting married (who asked me to be their maid of honour, two girls I train with in powerlifting, my judo coach, a few of my gamer friends I know IRL and online, my mum (dying sadly) and the kids of my uncles new partner (late teens, really cool, practically adopted them into the family immediatly). That and my GP, my coworkers and my GF. I already sorted my goals for reproduction. My partner is willing to help me out with storage costs and I even have friends (lesbians) who have said if I offered theyd gladly accept the help. My condition is being part of the kids' lives in some way.

I appreciate the NHS has a lot going on but it should not be at the detriment of the patients. I also do not need some doctor wasting my time looking to justify calling me autistic when I spent over a decade in learning support for dyspraxia, with multiple tests for autism (including other things) that came up showing otherwise and multiple pyschology reports.

Im going private if only for a diagnosis and hopefully, hormones if I can get some. I'm currently seeing a counsellor from the NHS whose aware of all this at home, my goals to transition and become roxanne and the other problems I have.