« on: November 12, 2019, 07:11:57 pm »
Thanks for the compliments @JudiBlueEyes and @AllieSF ! I'm an early riser, it's rare that I sleep past 4:00am. Been like that for about 10 years now.

Everything has been going well. Part of the main support structure of our deck was beginning to rot, so we hired a contractor to tear out the old deck and build a new one. He is almost done, and it really looks nice. I had jury duty last week and was selected as a juror. The second day of the trial was rather short, the prosecutor withdrew all changes. You would think charges of assault and kidnapping wouldn't have been made without some evidence...

Yesterday I had an electrolysis session with my 'new' electrologist. My original electrologist, CJ, is retiring. For the last two years CJ has been looking for someone she could trust, someone who would work with the LGBT+ community. About six months ago she found Kris. Kris recently returned from electrolysis training in California, and she has been practicing a bit on CJ! Our session went very well, and I think Kris is even more meticulous than CJ. Our session was scheduled for 90 minutes, but I was her last customer of the day so she kept working until she was satisfied. She completely cleared my face, neck, and chest in the nearly three-hour session! CJ is literally giving the business to Kris because she was so happy to find someone who will continue supporting our community.

Today we had someone repair our fireplace. We had only used it two or three times, but apparently the previous inhabitants somehow caused a bit of damage -- the chimney sweep said it was unsafe to use. I went to the DMV this afternoon for yet another new drivers license, my fourth since going full-time! My previous license was pre-FFS, and I wanted them to add a 'veteran' designation on my license. I had to provide a copy of my DD-214 along with the court order for a name change, but they added the 'veteran' stamp without issue.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: November 21, 2019, 07:30:41 pm »
Monday I had another electrolysis session with Kris, this one only lasted two hours. She cleared my face, neck, chest, and undercarriage. Kris did manage to find a new, exquisitely painful area which needed attention, my hood! She got the large hairs, but she suggested we leave the small ones for my next visit so I can be better prepared.

When I got home there was a letter from the DMV, my new drivers license arrived. I think they made a mistake, it has a photo of a beautiful woman on it, surely that can't be me! The license includes a 'Veteran' designator above the US Air Force seal.

Yesterday, for the Transgender Day of Remembrance, our LGBT+ group sent out an email to commemorate the day. One of the things they included was the poem I posted when I awoke from GCS. Several people sent me emails about the poem, and many said it made them cry. One of the people who sent a note was in HR, and she told me that when she is not at work, she is a therapist for transgender teens! I told her that she was my hero!!!

If you want to read the poem, it's here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,244488.msg2229428.html#msg2229428

Susan and I are packing for yet another trip, we are going to visit our relatives in Louisiana for Thanksgiving. None of them have seen me since the last round of surgery, so it will be interesting if any of them notice a change.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: December 01, 2019, 02:54:21 pm »
Thanks @JudiBlueEyes , @AllieSF , and @Stepheewt ! Susan and I hope all of you also had a nice Thanksgiving.

Susan and I got home yesterday afternoon. Our trip to Louisiana went well, except I was sick the entire trip. Around midnight our first day on the road I was struck with a fever. The next morning, I felt reasonable, but every afternoon the fever returned. Two days in a row my fever was over 103 degrees. I slept alone in an attempt to keep Susan from catching whatever I had. I also woke up dripping with sweat several times each night. I was able to attend Thanksgiving dinner at my niece's house, but I didn't talk much - talking would induce a fit of coughing. We left for home around noon on Friday, and Friday night was the first time I had slept through the night since we started the trip. I am feeling better today, hopefully whatever I had will not return soon.

Other than getting sick, our trip went well. No one noticed any of my surgeries, or if they did they just didn't mention it. I still find it hard to believe. December 28th will mark three years since I discovered the source of my anger. Three years ago, I thought transitioning would be impossible, now it seems a distant memory...

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: December 04, 2019, 08:26:08 pm »
Quote from: JudiBlueEyes on December 01, 2019, 05:15:45 pm

QuoteI'm sorry to read you were ill.  I can imagine it was terrible.  I'm glad you are feeling better.

I think that its good that no one mentioned anything.  What would they say anyway?  Time does fly for us and the ways of the past seem so far away and long ago.

Hugs, Judi

I agree that no one mentioning anything was a good sign. It does seem that the beginning of this journey was a lifetime ago...

Nicole, you have come a long way, and you are off to a great start. In another year or two you will look back and wonder why you didn't start sooner! Like many others, you may discover that the biggest obstacle to overcome is yourself.

Sunday evening I got a text from my sister-in-law, my Mom broke her leg! On Monday a surgeon implanted a rod into her femur. She will be in the hospital for several more days and is expected to need 3 - 6 months of rehab. I am concerned about both parents, because my Dad does not do well without Mom being near. Next year will be their 65th anniversary.

Monday morning our garage door opener failed. Apparently, the main drive gear sheared off. Tuesday afternoon we had a local company install a new garage door opener.

Monday afternoon I set a record! Kris, my new electrologist, didn't have any appointments scheduled after me, so we decided to stay as long as necessary to get a good clearing. I was not expecting a four-hour session! I guess that was payback for taking a vacation.

I had an appointment with the light saber lady today. In addition to clearing my arms, she spot-checked my thighs. As luck would have it, she found the really sensitive spots on the backs of both thighs!

What we go through to become who we were meant to can be painful, but the physical pain is usually temporary and much preferred over the psychological pain we endured while hiding our souls in darkness for so long.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: December 24, 2019, 08:45:41 pm »
Our Christmas will be delayed a bit this year. Although Kimberly is home for winter break, Emily and her boyfriend will not arrive until Dec 30. We will probably open a few gifts tomorrow, but will save the majority for Emily's visit.

Everything has been moving along reasonably well. My Mom is still in a care facility recovering from surgery to repair her broken leg. We aren't sure when she will be able to go home. Some of the medications she is on are really playing games with her mind.

I had been planning to end this thread soon, but since it has been converted into a blog I guess I will keep it going. Just a few more days will mark my third anniversary of discovering and accepting who I really am. I have been working on a post to commemorate that special day and will post it on Dec 28.

Although I am a bit early, I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas, or a joyous celebration of whatever this time of year means to you and your loved ones.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

I decided to dress a bit more festive for work today...

« on: December 28, 2019, 05:53:32 pm »
Today marks three years since I discovered my true nature. I made a post in the 'Transitioning' forum to mark the occasion: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,246827.msg2259086.html#msg2259086

The sort version - I'm done. I will hang around the forums, try to be helpful, and occasionally post updates on my life, but it's also time to move on. My deepest thanks to all who have offered advice and held my hand along the way. I hope those who follow find something useful in what I have written.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: December 31, 2019, 06:40:51 pm »
Nicole, don't worry, I won't be a stranger.

Steph, I'm certain our paths will cross many times in the future. I don't know about being a 'star' though. That weekend we seven sisters (Michelle, Laurie, Kendra, Steph, Cassie, Susan, and I) spent in Loveland, I felt like a roadie who was accidentally invited to the Grammy Awards. It opened my eyes, and Susan's eyes, to the possibilities of our evolving relationship.

This has been an incredible year. It started with nervous anticipation of surgery, which was followed by a long recovery, then even more surgery, and eventually a shiny new birth certificate. Now as the year ends, Susan and I are still in love, and both of our daughters are home for the holidays. Emily even brought her boyfriend along! I don't know how this year could have gone any better. As a child I dreamed an impossible dream, and this year my dream came true. I don't know what my future holds, but at least for a little while I am living in a perfect moment of my life, where peace, joy, and contentment reign. I hope everyone at least once in their life can experience a moment like this.

My love to all of you -- Jessica Rose

« on: January 22, 2020, 07:04:08 pm »
Everything has been going reasonably well so far this year. Last week I had some oral surgery, an apicoectomy. I have had three root canals on that tooth over the last 14 years, and the pain returned with a vengeance about three weeks ago. Hopefully the procedure will take care of it once and for all.

While exercising today, I watched 'After Earth', not one of Will Smith's better movies. However, there is a quote from that movie that speaks to many of us:

"Fear is not real. The only place that fear can exist is in our thoughts of the future. It is the product of our imagination, causing us to fear things that do not at present and may not ever exist. That is near insanity. Now do not misunderstand me, danger is very real, but fear is a choice."

We sometimes allow fear to control our lives, and we wind up living our entire lives under that dark cloud. To live your life as the person you were born to be, you must find the strength to conquer your fear. Fear kept me in hiding for decades, but eventually I overcame my fear and became who I was meant to be. Follow your heart, be fearless, and live your life as the person you know yourself to be.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: January 29, 2020, 05:13:45 pm »
My life has been a mixed bag lately.

Good: Today I found out that I will be getting a raise starting with my next paycheck!

Bad: I have been fighting with Experian for five days. I set up an account with Experian, and all the information they have on me is correct. When my bank (USAA) tries to pull a credit report, Experian responds that they can't validate my identity, but then they dock my credit score four points for the inquiry! Experian claims the problem is with USAA, but USAA says the problem is with Experian. Apparently other USAA customers have recently reported the same issue. USAA and Experian claim to be working on it.

Ugly: My Mom's recovery from her broken leg is not going well. She was moved out of the rehab facility and back into the hospital today. She isn't eating, and she seems to have given up. I am hopeful she will get better care in the hospital and her condition will improve, but I am very concerned. My parents don't know that I have a new birth certificate, and I wasn't planning to tell them. Now I'm wondering if I should tell my Mom that she gave birth to a daughter all those years ago.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: February 02, 2020, 06:26:28 am »
My Mom is doing better now, but I'm still concerned.

After several additional phone calls to my bank and Experian, we may have identified the problem - my dead name. Experian shows both my name and my dead name under my social security number, which is causing some confusion. I have sent them a letter explaining the different names and asked them to merge the files under my current name. I also provided copies of my name change court order, and my old and new drivers' license. I only had to say my dead name twice. I had expected that my dead name would just slowly fade away, but apparently some companies never forget. Hopefully this will resolve the issue.

It has been a while since I took photos of Susan and myself. Since we were both dressed up a bit yesterday, I corrected that oversight...

« on: February 05, 2020, 03:40:25 pm »
Two years ago today, I legally became Jessica Rose. A lot has happened over those last two years, but now all the big stuff is done. My life is back on track, just not the track it used to be on. I don't know what lies ahead, but I know it is better than the past I left behind. Some days I still can't believe what I have done, but every day I look in the mirror and smile.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: February 06, 2020, 07:44:49 pm »
I got some heartbreaking news today. My Mom broke her leg a few days after Thanksgiving and has been either in the hospital or a rehab facility ever since. Today they did a CT scan, and she has been diagnosed with cancer. It has metastasized, and there is nothing more they can do. My parents live in Louisiana, so Susan and I will be heading down tomorrow to visit for a few days. I'm trying not to think about it, but knowing this will probably be the last time I can talk to her is tough...

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: February 10, 2020, 03:02:54 pm »
My thanks to @Maddie , @Donica , @davina61 , @randim , and @Stepheewt (Nicole).

The trip was uneventful, but much shorter than originally planned. In good weather it's a 14-hour drive, one way. We arrived at my Mom's care facility Saturday afternoon and spent about two hours with her. We then picked up supper and took it to my parent's house. After supper, we unpacked the car, then checked the weather along our return route. A new storm was now forecast to hit Monday night. We checked the weather again Sunday morning, and decided we needed to leave after lunch Sunday to get home before the storm hit.

We did spend a few more hours with my Mom Sunday morning before we had to leave, but it was difficult. Her doctor said she could have two weeks, or two months. We will try to visit again if possible, but closing her door when we left was painful. How do you say goodbye to someone who has loved and cared for you your entire life? It's possible I was seeing my Mom for the last time... sorry, but I have to step away for a while. I used to be able to ignore any emotion other than anger, but estrogen has caused an inversion. I rarely get angry, but all those other emotions are really hard to control...

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: February 19, 2020, 04:46:45 pm »
Julie H and Nicole, thanks for your concern.

My sister-in law called. My mom is getting weaker by the day. Today my dad called every family member and told them it's time to come. We expect my mom only has a few days left. Susan and I plan to leave tomorrow morning, once the roads clear from the snow we are expecting tonight.

I always thought my mom would be around many more years. After all, she has always been there for me. It is painful that she never got to know the real me. She may have seen glimpses through the years, but it has only been two years since I broke out of my old shell and started to become the woman I was born to be. In fact, today is the second anniversary of my first day at work as Jessica Rose. Although my dad didn't ask, I have drafted an obituary for my mom. I plan to go through some older photos tonight and print out a few. It's tough to lose someone who you have known your entire life, who has always been there when you needed them. Soon this constant force in my life will be gone...

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: February 25, 2020, 05:12:56 am »
My dad called from the care facility about 15 minutes ago. My mom passed away in her sleep last night.

« on: February 25, 2020, 10:03:31 am »

Susan and I helped pack up mom's room. Within minutes of getting back to my parents house, an uncontrollable coldness came over me. Whatever the extreme opposite of euphoria is, that's what I felt. I have been in bed trying to get warm, I put on a parka and a robe, but it didn't help much. The one constant source of love and warmth in my life has been extinguished. I wasn't ready for it...

« on: March 06, 2020, 10:22:39 am »
It has been a long time since my last post, but a lot has happened. I'll try to keep it short.

At 5:50am Tuesday morning, my dad called from the care facility, he was with my mom when she took her last breath. We went to the facility a few hours later to clear out my moms room. As soon as we got back to my parent's house, a freight train called 'flu' hit me head on. At the same time, I realized the one constant source of love and warmth in my life, was now gone. I was in bed the rest of the day. Wearing a sweater, jacket, vest, and parka, yet shivering most of the time.

My mom's funeral was on 29 February. Dozens of people attended, and there were many relatives I had not seen in at least 40 years. Some knew about me, others didn't. Since I wasn't feeling well, I stayed away from the crowds. A few people came over to talk, but since all I could do was whisper, the conversations were short. One uncle kept looking over at me, probably trying to figure out who I was. I didn't want to explain things, so I simply avoided him. I didn't have any negative encounters with anyone.

We left for home on Monday (1 March), but both of us felt terrible. I was able to get to a clinic at work on Wednesday and was diagnosed with pneumonia. While in line for prescriptions, I happened to be behind a co-worker. He said I looked exhausted, and gave me his place in line. The next day he brought us some homemade turkey soup! He said that I looked a lot better, and that the day before he thought I looked like 'death'. I told him I wish I felt as good as I looked!

I took Susan to an urgent care facility, and she was diagnosed with an upper respiratory tract infection. We are slowly getting better, but I have a feeling recovery will take a few weeks for both of us.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: March 16, 2020, 03:18:59 pm »
Susan and I are still recovering, but we are in significantly better condition than we were last week. Another week or so and we should be back to normal.

I do have some good news for a change. My daughter Emily and her boyfriend RJ went on a trip to Antarctica. On March 10, while in Antarctica, RJ proposed to Emily, and she accepted! When they visited us for New Year's, RJ and I were alone in the basement, and he asked if it would be OK to propose to Emily. Of course, I said 'yes', but then I had to keep the secret! Susan and I, along with the rest of my family, really like RJ. We are all happy that Emily and RJ found each other.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: March 23, 2020, 09:11:16 am »
Three years. It has been three years since I started my journey. In the beginning my goal seemed impossible, so far away that I would never reach it. Now it seems as something that happened long ago. The 'before' times seem like a bad dream with occasional bright spots -- my marriage to Susan and the birth of our daughters Emily and Kimberly. I still have those days when the lines between who I am and who I was are blurred. Sometimes I look at my reflection and cry, thinking about all of those years wasted 'before'. There are also joyful days when I realize I have finally awakened from the nightmare my life used to be, days when I can celebrate just being myself. I still think what I have done is incredible, unbelievable -- but it really did happen.

My sincere thanks to Susan's Place and all of those who gave advice along the way, your help made it possible for me to reach my destination. I hope each of you can find a path through the wilderness of life, and allow your soul to escape the darkness and dance in the sun.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

« on: March 27, 2020, 10:01:05 pm »
Some good news today. Our daughter Emily and her boyfriend RJ took a trip to Antarctica earlier this month. While there, RJ proposed, and Emily accepted! Unfortunately, due to COVID-19, they were quarantined on board their cruise ship for about a week at a port in southern Argentina. They were finally able to get off the ship in Buenos Aires, but since most international flights were being canceled, they couldn't get a flight out of the country. Today they finally got a non-stop flight from Buenos Aires to Miami. Although they still have over a thousand miles to go, at least they are back in the US!

Ever since I became Jessica, I have worn makeup any time I left the house. I felt I needed it to be accepted. Earlier this month while I was still battling pneumonia, I was so weak that putting on makeup just wasn't possible. We really needed some groceries, so for the first time ever I went shopping without makeup. Guess what? No one cared. I still got ma'amed everywhere, and I was never misgendered. That first day out with no makeup, I actually stopped in the middle of an aisle, grabbed a shelf to steady myself, and cried. Three years ago, I didn't think I would ever reach this point in my life, but I realized that I am now accepted as a woman everywhere I go, even without my makeup. Dreams do come true.

Love always -- Jessica Rose