Hi everyone.

From the young age of 10 I knew something wasn't quite right.

I had a fascination for woman's clothing, and being a male in the 80's, this wasn't normal.

I won't bore you with the hardships of hiding my 'problem' throughout my life as I'm sure you have all been through it.

Fast forward to present day, 43 year old family man with two children. 

Five years ago, I started seeing a therapist for non-related reasons.  We have become quite close and as such, one year ago I told her about my terrible secret.  She was the first person I ever told.

We have been working on this on and off for the past year, and she said it would be good to find a forum of like minded people who can sympathise with my situation.

Cross-dressing has been a part of my 'secret' life for 33 years.  I told my wife recently and well, she didn't divorce me but I get the feeling she wants to forget I ever mentioned it, so I don't bring it up.

I have a recent problem (I know you won't judge me for my stupidity).  I've started taking estradiol gel secretly for two months.

I have no idea why or what for, but here we are.

From what I've read I am starting to get buds under my nipples, which I am told it's the start of breast development.

If I was being honest, it's exciting, however, also has scared me to the point I think I should stop now.

I don't know what to do.

There's a lot more to say but as this is an introduction forum, I had better stop.

Many thanks for reading.

Hello Confused_Corgi,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

It looks like you are a new member here and this is one of your first posts. Thank you for that wonderful introduction!

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and to share your thoughts and comments. We all come from different backgrounds and represent a wide range of experiences. No matter who you may be, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

You are correct that this is a great place to meet like-minded people who can help you navigate what you are going through. I am also happy to read that you are currently discussing this with your therapist. Their input can be very helpful.

We have an entire sub-forum here dedicated to Cross Dressing. If you have started taking estradiol, I wonder if it is not just cross-dressing but perhaps transition that you are interested in. Many of our members here started out that way too. My advice is to not take any form of hormones on your own. The safest way is to have a medical healthcare practitioner monitor your hormone levels and prescribe what you need as appropriate. Taking too much starting off can actually cause issues that you don't want. Allow them to assess your medical history, determine your risk factors, and then prescribe as appropriate.

As you read member's stories, you may find others that have started out the same way, how they handled the situations they encountered, and even how things turned out for them.

Please review the links at the end of this message, they include information that will help you navigate the site and use the available features. Please pay particular attention to the links marked in RED. When you reach 15 posts, you will be able to send and reply to private messages and you will also be able to add an avatar to your profile. Until then if you have any questions about the Susan's Place site and the Forums, please feel free to contact me at\~  LoriDee605@outlook.com

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!

~ Lori Dee

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@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

Welcome to Susan's
  Your story sounds like a very typical trans story. I hid my secrete till I was 61. Which was far to long. Many start thier transition still in stealth. Just be careful when self medicating without blood work. There are online places that prescribe Estradiol and also have follow up blood work, such as Plume. When I started, I went with them then switched to a local Endocrinologist later There is no right or wrong way, just follow your heart dear. 
It sounds like you're on the tipping point of coming out. I wish you all the best sister. This is an amazing journey you are starting on.
Hugs Gina

Hi, and thank you for the replies.

I don't know why I'm here, I don't know what I'm going to do ... if anything!

I know I can't go to a GP as I don't want anything on record, I have to think about my wife and family.

I guess I'm here to learn and get some advice ... I don't know.

Hello Confused_Corgi

My name is Sarah B and I would also like to formally, Welcome you to Susan's Place!

I see that other members of Susan's have also welcomed you as well.

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 03, 2024, 06:49:27 PMHi everyone.

From the young age of 10 I knew something wasn't quite right.

You are not alone in this area and there are members, that can remember, things were different when they were three, four and five.  I'm one of those.

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 03, 2024, 06:49:27 PMI had a fascination for woman's clothing, and being a male in the 80's, this wasn't normal.

I know what you mean, when I was able to dress as a female, I actually said to myself; "this feels right", although I knew that in a sense that cross dressing was wrong at the time think 80's.

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 03, 2024, 06:49:27 PMI won't bore you with the hardships of hiding my 'problem' throughout my life as I'm sure you have all been through it.

Fast forward to present day, 43 year old family man with two children.

Five years ago, I started seeing a therapist for non-related reasons.  We have become quite close and as such, one year ago I told her about my terrible secret.  She was the first person I ever told.

We have been working on this on and off for the past year, and she said it would be good to find a forum of like minded people who can sympathise with my situation.

There will be time when you feel comfortable in telling us your story and by doing so others can learn from your experience.

Seeing a 'therapist' in regards to your issues, will help you no end and there are members here on Susan's that took them a long time to find out who they really are.  Seeking others that your 'therapist' suggested, means that you are not alone in the issues that you have.

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 03, 2024, 06:49:27 PMCross-dressing has been a part of my 'secret' life for 33 years.  I told my wife recently and well, she didn't divorce me but I get the feeling she wants to forget I ever mentioned it, so I don't bring it up

I have mentioned about me dressing as a female and how right it was.  My question when you dressed as female, did it make you feel right, comfortable, happy or at peace?  Your answer will help you in answering, 'who you are'.

You need to read the following story by another member in regards to telling your wife.  Just click on the this link: The Ballad of Lurkin Liz

Especially where she talks about her Significant Other, (SO)

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 03, 2024, 06:49:27 PMI have a recent problem (I know you won't judge me for my stupidity).  I've started taking estradiol gel secretly for two months.

I have no idea why or what for, but here we are.

From what I've read I am starting to get buds under my nipples, which I am told it's the start of breast development.

As Lori mentioned you need to be monitored for health reasons, for your own personal, health and safety issues.  In addition if your wife finds out about your breasts, that is another secret that you have not told her and the repercussions?  Even I don't know what will happen, again I refer you to read the "The Ballad of Lurkin Liz".

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 03, 2024, 06:49:27 PMIf I was being honest, it's exciting, however, also has scared me to the point I think I should stop now.

I don't know what to do.

There's a lot more to say but as this is an introduction forum, I had better stop.

Many thanks for reading.

You are already in consultation with a 'therapist' and you are trying to sort out your life out.  That is a very important step, to find out where you are heading.

Once you feel comfortable here, it would be appreciated if you add a little bit more about yourself in the other forums and threads.  I would appreciate it very much as, I'm always interested in learning something new about new members

In addition members of Susan's will more than likely will discuss problems or issues that are similar to yours as most have experienced these issues as well.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Once again, Welcome to Susan's Place!
Sarah B
Offical Greeter
@LoriDee
@Northern Star Girl
@Confused_Corgi

Hi Confused_Corgi

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 04, 2024, 08:14:25 AMHi, and thank you for the replies.

I don't know why I'm here, I don't know what I'm going to do ... if anything!

You most welcome, I know why you are here!  Your therapist recommended that you seek out similar people.  Susan's is a very good place to meet others like you and to help you with the issues you are currently experiencing.

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 04, 2024, 08:14:25 AMI know I can't go to a GP as I don't want anything on record, I have to think about my wife and family.

Long story short, I never tell anyone about me including any doctors and even then I think twice about telling them about my 'medical condition'.  Only my family knows about me and they accept me unconditionally.

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 04, 2024, 08:14:25 AMI guess I'm here to learn and get some advice ... I don't know.

Yes, you are here to learn, just like me when I first come to Susan's in 2010, 19 years after my surgery.  I have just come back after 12 years of being away and I'm still learning something new.  Don't be so hard on yourself, look around Susan's and read the stories that are told by various members.

If you need help just ask and someone will come along and help you in some way.  Take care and best wishes for the future.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@Confused_Corgi

Welcome Aboard Corgi!!!

Your story holds many common threads with many, if not most of us here... The answers you are seeking of how to make these feelings which are seeking expression at higher and higher levels integrate with the rest of your life's considerations will be uniquely your own but... worth every bit of effort it takes to find...

You may find reading this paper by Anne Vitale enlightening and find many aspects of your life described uncannily well under what she describes as Group 3 individuals!

https://www.scribd.com/document/331023147/The-Gender-Variant-Phenomenon-A-Developmental-Review

All good things to you as you find your way... Amazing things await you!

Onward!!!

Ashley 😀💕🌻

Quote from: tgirlamg on July 04, 2024, 10:40:08 AMYou may find reading this paper by Anne Vitale enlightening and find many aspects of your life described uncannily well under what she describes as Group 3 individuals!

https://www.scribd.com/document/331023147/The-Gender-Variant-Phenomenon-A-Developmental-Review

Wow, that's amazing, but I don't know if that's me.  I don't feel dysmorphic, I mean, I don't necessarily want to get rid of body parts, I don't think.

To be honest, there was a different reason for starting the Gel, I was hoping for less, umm well, erections and hoping my mind would follow suit.

However it seems the Gel has brainwashed (not the right word) me somehow and now I like/want breasts.

Maybe if I stop the Gel, my mind will go back to, normal? (and I used the that word very loosely.

I don't even think any of that makes sense, sorry.

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 04, 2024, 01:21:42 PMWow, that's amazing, but I don't know if that's me.  I don't feel dysmorphic, I mean, I don't necessarily want to get rid of body parts, I don't think.

To be honest, there was a different reason for starting the Gel, I was hoping for less, umm well, erections and hoping my mind would follow suit.

However it seems the Gel has brainwashed (not the right word) me somehow and now I like/want breasts.

Maybe if I stop the Gel, my mind will go back to, normal? (and I used the that word very loosely.

I don't even think any of that makes sense, sorry.

Hey Again Corgi,

Making sense of all this doesn't necessarily lie in getting rid of body parts..I think at the heart of it is taking the time and effort to really engage in some self exploration... sadly often a last frontier in our busy lives... and come to a real understanding of what we think we might need in our life and.. what we might need to abandon in our life... to make it the experience we need... when we find what those things are... and act to bring them to fruition... It is a powerful and liberating thing and an experience not to be missed... The things you have felt since age 10 are a part of you and are asking to be looked at closer and addressed in some way... Move forward in finding your answers with a sense of adventure and anticipation that this process will be a rewarding one... because it will 🌻

All good things to you as you seek the answers that serve your journey best!

Hugs!

Ashley 😀💕🌻

Quote from: tgirlamg on July 04, 2024, 02:00:54 PMHey Again Corgi,

Making sense of all this doesn't necessarily lie in getting rid of body parts..I think at the heart of it is taking the time and effort to really engage in some self exploration... sadly often a last frontier in our busy lives... and come to a real understanding of what we think we might need in our life and.. what we might need to abandon in our life... to make it the experience we need... when we find what those things are... and act to bring them to fruition... It is a powerful and liberating thing and an experience not to be missed... The things you have felt since age 10 are a part of you and are asking to be looked at closer and addressed in some way... Move forward in finding your answers with a sense of adventure and anticipation that this process will be a rewarding one... because it will 🌻

All good things to you as you seek the answers that serve your journey best!

Hugs!

Ashley 😀💕🌻

That's some kind words indeed.  I think I'm just lost.

Hi Confused_Corgi

You mentioned:

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 04, 2024, 01:21:42 PMWow, that's amazing, but I don't know if that's me.  I don't feel dysmorphic, I mean, I don't necessarily want to get rid of body parts, I don't think.

To be honest, there was a different reason for starting the Gel, I was hoping for less, umm well, erections and hoping my mind would follow suit.

However it seems the Gel has brainwashed (not the right word) me somehow and now I like/want breasts.

Maybe if I stop the Gel, my mind will go back to, normal? (and I used the that word very loosely.

I don't even think any of that makes sense, sorry.

In a sense I never really go rid of any body parts.  I never wanted to get rid of it, it was just there and it needed to be taken care of.  Later when I had my surgery it was used to become part of me.

When I changed my life around, my signature tells a very quick bio of what I did.  I was immediately on hormones and I don't know how much influence they had on my mind, it does not matter, I was too busy working and enjoying my life.

Members here at Susan's often tell what happens when they come of the hormones they are taking and to say the least they tend not to be happy.  It is mentioned ocassionally that they are taking the right fuel for the brain.

Give yourself time, read the posts that interest you and you will learn and if you are not sure then please ask.

Take care and have fun.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@ Confused_Corgi

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 04, 2024, 03:37:25 PMThat's some kind words indeed.  I think I'm just lost.

I think we all have an internal compass and once we connect with it... it will point the way!... This stuff can get very complicated and confusing but, all challenges between where you are and wherever you find you wish to be can be navigated.

Trust yourself and trust your compass... all shall be well 🌸

Onward!

Ashley 💕

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 03, 2024, 06:49:27 PMHi everyone.

From the young age of 10 I knew something wasn't quite right.

I had a fascination for woman's clothing, and being a male in the 80's, this wasn't normal.

I won't bore you with the hardships of hiding my 'problem' throughout my life as I'm sure you have all been through it.

Fast forward to present day, 43 year old family man with two children. 

Five years ago, I started seeing a therapist for non-related reasons.  We have become quite close and as such, one year ago I told her about my terrible secret.  She was the first person I ever told.

We have been working on this on and off for the past year, and she said it would be good to find a forum of like minded people who can sympathise with my situation.

Cross-dressing has been a part of my 'secret' life for 33 years.  I told my wife recently and well, she didn't divorce me but I get the feeling she wants to forget I ever mentioned it, so I don't bring it up.

I have a recent problem (I know you won't judge me for my stupidity).  I've started taking estradiol gel secretly for two months.

I have no idea why or what for, but here we are.

From what I've read I am starting to get buds under my nipples, which I am told it's the start of breast development.

If I was being honest, it's exciting, however, also has scared me to the point I think I should stop now.

I don't know what to do.

There's a lot more to say but as this is an introduction forum, I had better stop.

Many thanks for reading.

Firstly welcome to the site, sweetie. You came to probably the premier forum for people who will get what you're going through. So you have good judgement. Also... fellow Brit. Awesome.

I know this is your intro post, but some things struck me as interesting. And I'd like to ask you some questions, if that's okay?

You said you'd started taking Estradiol gel as a "Secret". Does your therapist know about this? And further... can I ask why? I don't think it's stupid. I just want to understand your state of mind. I think you do know why, deep down. You just haven't thought about it enough to understand it. Or maybe you have but don't want to deal with the conclusions you've come to. So I'm asking you to think about it now, if that's okay. If not, I get it. But I think there's a reason for everything we do, even if we don't think we know what it is straight away.

I think your therapist is a very smart person. And she did the right thing. And I get the feeling that if you work out some of this... you can take it back to her and work through where to go next, together.

Regardless... you are in the right place, sweetie. *massive hugs*

Quote from: Sephirah on July 04, 2024, 06:15:57 PMYou said you'd started taking Estradiol gel as a "Secret". Does your therapist know about this? And further... can I ask why? I don't think it's stupid. I just want to understand your state of mind. I think you do know why, deep down. You just haven't thought about it enough to understand it. Or maybe you have but don't want to deal with the conclusions you've come to. So I'm asking you to think about it now, if that's okay. If not, I get it. But I think there's a reason for everything we do, even if we don't think we know what it is straight away.

Firstly thank you for your kind words. 

Yes, only my therapist knows about the gel, she has told me off a number of times and says to go to the GP and do it properly.

To answer your question of why? ... I don't know.  Being a CD, I just thought it would fill out, (and you have to bear with me here because I'm still learning to accept it), the upper part of women's underwear.  So I guess that means, maybe, doing it for a more feminine shape? Possibly? I don't know.

But I am wondering now if it's just the gel talking, for instance, if you gave the gel to any man, part of the change is emotional so wouldn't they all want breasts etc. because they were taking it?  Maybe hoping that if I stop, the thoughts would go away.

Now if any of that makes sense to anyone, I'd be impressed.

Quick edit: Wondering if suppression is the right thing for everyone, done it for 33 years, another 30 won't matter.

Hi Confused Corgi

Lets get something straight here, with the number of British people here, I think I will immigrate to Australia!  Oh wait, I'm in Australia.  Confession, yeah I'm a Pommy, I left old blighty a long time ago.  I guess we will have to form our own club.  Anyway enough of the jibber jabber.

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 05, 2024, 04:18:44 AMTo answer your question of why? ... I don't know.  Being a CD, I just thought it would fill out, (and you have to bear with me here because I'm still learning to accept it), the upper part of women's underwear.  So I guess that means, maybe, doing it for a more feminine shape? Possibly? I don't know.

You say, "I just thought it would fill out. . . . . the upper part of women's underwear.", maybe because you want or long to be a female, or maybe you are a female?  Which means you want a female body?  Maybe you do know why?  Which goes back to what Sephirah said, "Or maybe you have but don't want to deal with the conclusions you've come to".  It takes time for some members to accept, who they really are and if it takes you time to accept it, then so be it.

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 05, 2024, 04:18:44 AMBut I am wondering now if it's just the gel talking, for instance, if you gave the gel to any man, part of the change is emotional so wouldn't they all want breasts etc. because they were taking it?  Maybe hoping that if I stop, the thoughts would go away.

That is the ultimate question does the gel do the talking or not?  Unless there is research done, you are not going to know and even if it was possible it would be a nightmare or mind field to setup.  In terms of giving any man 'hormones' and hence, the results of them growing breasts, No.  Because if that was the case, then a lot of men would be taking hormones and growing breasts and that's not happening in reality.  We would be hearing about it on the 6:00 O'Clock News, if that was the case!

Having said that, members here on Susan's have said they have come off hormones and they were not happy as a result in general and ended up going back on them.

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 05, 2024, 04:18:44 AMNow if any of that makes sense to anyone, I'd be impressed.

It makes sense of course, you have all these questions, what ifs, possible scenarios and you are seeking solutions and being here on Susan's you are getting that information in return.  In addition, your 'therapist', is also helping you.

The question I have to ask you is "are you impressed now?".  I'm just joking.  You don't have to answer that question.

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 05, 2024, 04:18:44 AMQuick edit: Wondering if suppression is the right thing for everyone, done it for 33 years, another 30 won't matter.

Long story short, you could suppress your feelings for another 30 years and maybe doing so would cause you issues, in terms of your health, mental well being and the effects on your family and friends around you and if it does, you end up wishing you had done something about it when you knew.

In general it can come back or resurface and bite you harder on your backside than ever before.  Unless you manage your condition.  Look around Susan's and read the stories of various members and those who suppressed, who they really were.

This is why you need to find out where you stand and seeing your 'therapist' or 'therapists' that deal with these specific issues, will allow you to find out who you really are.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@Confused_Corgi
@Sephirah

Quote from: Sarah B on July 05, 2024, 07:27:16 AMWhich means you want a female body?  Maybe you do know why?  Which goes back to what Sephirah said, "Or maybe you have but don't want to deal with the conclusions you've come to". 

This is what my therapist said when I looked in the mirror and saw a slight change in my breasts, I said to her 'I'd better stop now or I'll get past the point of return' and she said 'being scared of the actual changes'

I am scared, scared for what it could mean.  My wife and I have been through so much, especially her double mastectomy.  I don't want to lose her or make her feel bad in any way.

I've always said to my therapist 'my feelings don't matter, as long as everyone else is ok'

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 05, 2024, 04:18:44 AMTo answer your question of why? ... I don't know.  Being a CD, I just thought it would fill out, (and you have to bear with me here because I'm still learning to accept it), the upper part of women's underwear.  So I guess that means, maybe, doing it for a more feminine shape? Possibly? I don't know.

But I am wondering now if it's just the gel talking, for instance, if you gave the gel to any man, part of the change is emotional so wouldn't they all want breasts etc. because they were taking it?  Maybe hoping that if I stop, the thoughts would go away.

But this begs the question of would any man want to take it in the first place? It was a choice you made, before it had any effect on you at all. And as the Oracle in the Matrix movies said "You've already made the choice, now you just have to understand it."

Quote from: Confused_Corgi on July 05, 2024, 02:21:37 PMI've always said to my therapist 'my feelings don't matter, as long as everyone else is ok'

With respect, sweetie, your feelings DO matter. You have... and deserve to have as much of a voice as anyone else. I understand what you're saying, and that's an incredibly beautiful, and noble view to hold... but please never think your own feelings, needs and wants don't matter okay? Life can sometimes be a massively hard balancing act, but it only balances when everything is given equal weight. And that applies just as much to you as it does to anyone else, okay?

I would think that your wife holds the view that your feelings do matter.

Quote from: Sarah B on July 05, 2024, 07:27:16 AMLong story short, you could suppress your feelings for another 30 years and maybe doing so would cause you issues, in terms of your health, mental well being and the effects on your family and friends around you and if it does, you end up wishing you had done something about it when you knew.

In general it can come back or resurface and bite you harder on your backside than ever before.  Unless you manage your condition.  Look around Susan's and read the stories of various members and those who suppressed, who they really were.

This is why you need to find out where you stand and seeing your 'therapist' or 'therapists' that deal with these specific issues, will allow you to find out who you really are.

Just to add to these wonderfully insightful comments... speaking from personal experience... suppression becomes exponentially harder the older you get. It splits you as a person. Inside. It fractures how you deal with the world and everything in it. You think you can shove everything into a little box deep inside, but as time passes that box becomes harder and harder to keep closed. Mostly because the more time that passes, the more you realise that we have one chance. One chance to live. And you start to question what living actually is. What it actually means. And whether you can do it being essentially part of a person.

You become like the magma chamber of a volcano. Building and building. More and more pressure. The truth of existence wanting, needing to find a way out. And that's really what it ends up being. It ends up being about truth. Whatever that is for each individual.

Whoever you are, and however you live... really the only way we don't self destruct is to allow this basic truth out... before it builds to such a point that it cataclysmically explodes.

You have no idea why you're using estradiol gel?

Quote from: BlueJaye on July 05, 2024, 10:53:24 PMYou have no idea why you're using estradiol gel?

Originally it was a way (from what I read) to reduce libido and erections (there is a valid reason for this) and now that I've felt budding under nipples, I don't want to stop - but I know I should as it's the point of no return.

As it's all in secret, I'm confused as what to do, what I should do.