Hi everyone, I've just been pondering somethings about my life recently, and I needed to share it with some people.



Sometimes I wonder why I didn't transition earlier.  I mean I knew I was wrong.
Yes, there were times when I didn't know there was an option.  There were times when I was just confused.   There were times when I stalled because I don't think I'll ever pass.

But when I think about it hard enough.  I see that the only reason Ikept on suffering this existence (which I still am), was because of guilt.  I know that sounds strange, even when I'm writing it, it sounds strange and I don't know if I'll be able to explain it properly - but I'll try.

I have loving parents.  We had enough money to have transportation, a house with no mortgage, heat, good food, education, etc.  I lived in a middle class family.  I have some health problems, asthma, kidney stones, but nothing serious like cancer or any debilitating diseases.  I'm not physically challenged in any way (aside from being the wrong sex).  I think I'm pretty smart, even in the worst case scenario I think I'd be able to find a job without too much difficulty.  I have friends and family who will always be there to help me out.

But there are people in the world who are starving. People who have diseases that keep them in constant pain throughout their entire lives.  People are oppressed.  People are raped.  People are beaten and abused on a daily basis.  There are people who have to huddle in doorways using cardboard boxes to shelter the snow and rain. 

And with all this.  I have the audacity to complain that I'm suffering because I was born in the wrong body?
When I say it in light with the rest of the worlds problems, it seems so selfish, so childish and arrogant.  Who am I to deserve sympathy for such a ridiculous thing?  I could imagine billions of people would give anything to have the moderate life that I have; yet I still complain.

It's been hard to realize that I am actually suffering.  Even when I cut on my body, or in light of multiple times I've tried to end my life.  Even when I find myself curled on the floor crying.
It's hard to consider myself as one of those people in the world who are hurting.
Maybe this is WHY I sometimes hurt myself.  So that I can justify the pain that I'm feeling.  I don't know.


I don't really know why I'm writing this...  I just thought I'd share.  Maybe some of you have similar feelings.  Maybe not. 

-Floating

But there are people in the world who are starving. People who have diseases that keep them in constant pain throughout their entire lives.  People are oppressed.  People are raped.  People are beaten and abused on a daily basis.  There are people who have to huddle in doorways using cardboard boxes to shelter the snow and rain.

And with all this.  I have the audacity to complain that I'm suffering because I was born in the wrong body?

A kid, as in a child, once told me that "just because people died in war it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt when I drop a brick on my foot."  Your pain and confusion is real.  That things are not as bad as they could be, rejoice in that and get on with it.

Guilt was one of my biggest obstacles.  I never thought it was a way to cope with GID
but it did stop me from doing anything. I had guilt over changing other peoples lives, guilt
over pain I would cause people, guilt over letting the old me die. It was a milestone for me
at the point where the need to be ME overrode all that guilt. 

I reached a point where I was SO VERY TIRED of censoring everything I did... running
every action though my quickie gender checker to make sure my reaction or
thoughts or words matched my genitals. So a few months ago I stopped censoring myself, if I
wanted to shave my legs I did, if I wanted to express things a certain way I
did, if I wanted to cry I did not hold back. And when I started looking at
it in those terms... just letting myself be me... the guilt did not seem as bad. This
is still an ongoing process and I'm sure it will take years to fully happen but
I'm doing this for my sanity and my happiness and I just don't feel as guilty anymore
when I'm not living up to what others expect of me.

I still feel some guilt for indulging myself from time to time and I still censor
my actions, but i feel so much better about everything I don't notice the guilt
as much anymore.

Amanda

Quote from: tekla on April 14, 2008, 09:43:14 AM
A kid, as in a child, once told me that "just because people died in war it doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt when I drop a brick on my foot."  Your pain and confusion is real.  That things are not as bad as they could be, rejoice in that and get on with it.

Smart kid. 


Amanda.
I think I have your guilt too.     

Remember-- There is no hierarchy of oppression. If you're oppressed, you're oppressed, and you have the right to do something about it. Trans people are seriously oppressed in this country, that is an objective fact.

QuoteAmanda. I think I have your guilt too.

Wow... now that's a lot of guilt But yea I see that... I only feel guilt for things I've done, seems
like you feel the guilt of the world.

Amanda

QuoteI have the audacity to complain that I'm suffering because I was born in the wrong body?

Hi Floating,

There is nothing audacious about experiencing your own pain. This remark really sounds like you have been trained to think other people's pain is more important than yours. It isn't.

Guilt is such a worthless emotion. I wish I could turn it off for you. After all, if you endure your suffering and don't do anything to change it no one in the world will benefit. So try to focus on the sum total of happiness in the world and increase your own. Then you can devote your life to helping others if you so please.

This goes for you, too, Amanda.

Lol, out of 5 pages in that silly marine thread of mine this topic has a much greater effect on me than anything else.

Thanks for sharing Floating.

I was pretty much forced off transition when I was younger.  I can't say for sure why I quit this time, maybe simply a fear of the journey, being in the most conservative state in an already conservative country... pretty scary to attempt transition here>.>

I think that it's fine for people to do what they want.  If you're going to feel bad about something, then do so.  Do what you can to fix it too, because you're the only one living your life and need to get 100% out of it.

Hi, Floating,

QuoteI have loving parents.  We had enough money to have transportation, a house with no mortgage, heat, good food, education, etc.  I lived in a middle class family.  I have some health problems, asthma, kidney stones, but nothing serious like cancer or any debilitating diseases.  I'm not physically challenged in any way (aside from being the wrong sex).  I think I'm pretty smart, even in the worst case scenario I think I'd be able to find a job without too much difficulty.  I have friends and family who will always be there to help me out.

Yes, I am quite aware as to what you are sharing with us here Floating. My parents were middle class, really wonderful people. But I am quite certain that my transsexuality may not have come off too well if I had told them back then.  I was certainly suffering from the effect of GID but I repressed it way inside as much as I could.  The sixties and seventies were not that enlightened about such things

I suffered, yes, that is a fact. I was also raised to think that when one is wasteful to think about those out there who were starving and such. Well, that did two things for me in later years and that was
#1/ I can not save the world from it's woes by myself. 
#2/ one has to do the best they can to heal and that for me was to acknowledge my problems and work through them and the last on the list,  TRANSTION.

Before you can be effective at helping those in need, is that you need to heal yourself first. So yes, as for transitioning unfortunately there will be a period of selfishness for the sake of healing yourself first. Once you become whole again then you will have what is needed to light the paths of others. There is to be assured a whole community of people that one would not see until just after the sun sets. During the dark These folks just appear to materialize out of no where on the streets. coming out after dark to forage about for something to eat. There are places, shelters, that cater to these folks and they are always looking for volunteers   

Cindy

Quote from: Floating on April 14, 2008, 09:34:47 AMI don't really know why I'm writing this...  I just thought I'd share.  Maybe some of you have similar feelings.  Maybe not. 

For me:

Confusion---> Shame, denial and BLOOD CURDLING FEAR!



Floating I think guilt is a natural reaction.  But is it just guilt is there shame involved here?  Either way when I was starting out I kept reminding myself of 2 things:

1. I didn't ask to be born this way.  There was no choice involved so how can I be at fault/feel guilty.

2. Just like everybody else in the world I deserve to be happy.  I tried doing "what I was supposed to" and what did it get me?  Misery.  You've got to break that cycle of living for others and start living for yourself!


That said I did have some guilt, but not until after I came out and shortly thereafter when the divorce proceedings started.  What did that guilt get me?  I got me screwed as far as my parental rights and visitation, of which I ended up with NONE.  So yeah guilt brings up some bad memories for me.  Please refer to the 2 things I listed.

My family spent years heaping guilt on my head -- using it as a bludgeon to hit me with to cause me pain -- to coerce me to cease and desist from transition. They did not understand -- when transition needs to happen, nothing can stop it. All they succeeded at was to make it more painful than it really needed to be.

Once it became clear to me that the guilt they tried to impose on me wasn't real, it was manipulative-- I refused to buy it and pushed back... because my survival was at stake. They have never understood. Maybe they never will. But they can take that guilt and shove it. I ain't buyin it.

As so often happens to women, I was manipulated from childhood into living for others and denying my own needs. It was only with maturity, like with so many other women, that I developed enough of a backbone to say the hell with this, I'm going to take care of my needs for once. Don't like it? That's tough. It's for my own survival, and I don't owe any apologies to anyone.

QuoteAs so often happens to women, I was manipulated from childhood into living for others and denying my own needs. It was only with maturity, like with so many other women, that I developed enough of a backbone to say the hell with this, I'm going to take care of my needs for once. Don't like it? That's tough. It's for my own survival, and I don't owe any apologies to anyone.

I cannot think of a better way of describing it... that's exactly how I feel and it started about three or four years ago with me. You
get to the point where you realize that EVERYONE was coming before what YOU wanted... it may sound selfish but after
years of that you reach a point where you cannot do it anymore... and you don't.

Amanda

Wow, thank you all for your comments.  I had forgotten about this thread.
I've really appreciated all your replies.  You've given me a lot to think about.

I might have already known what you all said at some level, but I think the hard part is getting myself to believe it.  I'm very envious of how confident and self-aware you all seem to be.

Sorry I can't reply to each of you individually but I'm at work and I'm sure I'm not supposed to be on here right now. ^_^

But thank you.

QuoteI'm very envious of how confident and self-aware you all seem to be.

Self aware -> YES.... too much so lol...

Confident -> NO.... too much so

Hope you can get past the guilt

Amanda

Quote from: Floating on April 14, 2008, 09:34:47 AM
I see that the only reason Ikept on suffering this existence (which I still am), was because of guilt...

Yup, same here. I once told my therapist that to understand me, all ya gotta do is realize I preface every though with "I don't deserve..." It's a persistent theme throughout my life and personality. Guilt. Shame. Un-deservedness.

So yes, a weird, sick person like me, who's been hiding this Big Dark Shameful Secret all her life certainly didn't "deserve" to transition and inflict my weirdness upon everyone else in society, expecting them to cater to my delusions.

Even when I did transition, I STILL didn't do it with a "deal with it, like it or not" surety. But I didn't apologize either, at least not after the beginning. Instead, I found a middle-ground of "I need to do this, but I could really use your help, so let's see if we can work it out together, OK?"

The thing is, we end up hurting those around us by NOT addressing our needs. Had I dealt with this when younger, had I not constantly lied to my wife when she asked me "ARE you going to transiton?" every few days over the last decade+... I could have spared her (and me) the futile, desperate longing for what could never be.

~Kate~

Hi Kate

Quotethe futile, desperate longing for what could never be.

Hi Kate hun,  I do pray that I am hearing this wrong, are you throwing in the towel now that you achieved your goal of being who you dreamed to be, like the photo in your avatar?

Cindy

Quote from: cindybc on April 23, 2008, 01:44:39 PM

Quotethe futile, desperate longing for what could never be.

Hi Kate hun,  I do pray that I am hearing this wrong, are you throwing in the towel now that you achieved your goal of being who you dreamed to be, like the photo in your avatar?

I really worded that wrong, didn't I? My apologies!

God no, never ever would I go back... I CAN'T. The really insane thing is I can't even allow myself the suicide option anymore. I HAVE to do this, in a way I can't even begin to explain....

What I meant was my wife and I for decades sat around waiting for her "husband" to show up... for the sex life to magically fix itself... for the GID to "go away..."

Instead of just accepting the It Is What It Is of it all and dealing with it.

~Kate~

Hi Kate

Whewwwww Cindy hugs Kate. I can't imagine what it would be like to go back, that would be like doing transition backwards, "Brrrrrrrrr." *Cindy shivers* I don't believe it would be possible especially after one has already done the whole gambit and finally be she whom she desired to be for most of a life time. Anyway hon it would be such a shame and waste or  lose such who is as pretty as you are.  Me I'm just an old bag but at least an old bag that is happy with what she has accomplished in the short span of 10 years.

Cindy

Quote from: Floating on April 14, 2008, 09:34:47 AM
Hi everyone, I've just been pondering somethings about my life recently, and I needed to share it with some people.



Sometimes I wonder why I didn't transition earlier.  I mean I knew I was wrong.
Yes, there were times when I didn't know there was an option.  There were times when I was just confused.   There were times when I stalled because I don't think I'll ever pass.

But when I think about it hard enough.  I see that the only reason Ikept on suffering this existence (which I still am), was because of guilt.  I know that sounds strange, even when I'm writing it, it sounds strange and I don't know if I'll be able to explain it properly - but I'll try.

I have loving parents.  We had enough money to have transportation, a house with no mortgage, heat, good food, education, etc.  I lived in a middle class family.  I have some health problems, asthma, kidney stones, but nothing serious like cancer or any debilitating diseases.  I'm not physically challenged in any way (aside from being the wrong sex).  I think I'm pretty smart, even in the worst case scenario I think I'd be able to find a job without too much difficulty.  I have friends and family who will always be there to help me out.

But there are people in the world who are starving. People who have diseases that keep them in constant pain throughout their entire lives.  People are oppressed.  People are raped.  People are beaten and abused on a daily basis.  There are people who have to huddle in doorways using cardboard boxes to shelter the snow and rain. 

And with all this.  I have the audacity to complain that I'm suffering because I was born in the wrong body?
When I say it in light with the rest of the worlds problems, it seems so selfish, so childish and arrogant.  Who am I to deserve sympathy for such a ridiculous thing?  I could imagine billions of people would give anything to have the moderate life that I have; yet I still complain.

It's been hard to realize that I am actually suffering.  Even when I cut on my body, or in light of multiple times I've tried to end my life.  Even when I find myself curled on the floor crying.
It's hard to consider myself as one of those people in the world who are hurting.
Maybe this is WHY I sometimes hurt myself.  So that I can justify the pain that I'm feeling.  I don't know.


I don't really know why I'm writing this...  I just thought I'd share.  Maybe some of you have similar feelings.  Maybe not. 

-Floating

OMG...

I'm so totally glad you wrote this. Your words echo what is in my mind daily. I think about those very things you speak of when I drive to work. I think of the starving kids, the homeless on the street and how I have so much. Guilt is a major deterrent. I think of my son, my spouse, my job, people that depend on me. I've built my life to a point where I am in "check-mate" with myself. I tell myself I cannot transition because in this game of life I have placed the pieces on the board that forced me into a corner and I have no more moves. I must lay down and concede. I have lost the game. I can only take that last piece off the board and see what lies beyond.

Yet I take the drugs daily shredding my mind, heart, and soul to ribbons with hate for myself and what I am doing. Guilt is part of it, the other is wondering how I could be so selfish. I have everything a person could really need. I have a lot of wants, but I have more than I need.

Why is that not enough? Why am I not happy?

I have built a life based on the perception of what society would expect. I was born as a male because of a tag of flesh and have slowly crawled my way day by day to success. But that success does not belong to me. it belongs to him. Its not real, not wanted. Love for my son is real. Love for my spouse is real. The real guilt is knowing I would do anything for my son, yet there is an exception. I'd do anything but not transition. That means I would do anything but that which is now making me a liar knowing I cannot do anything for my son. He deserves a dad. Life is not fair, I can attest to that more so than many others. If anybody should not want to hurt a child its me. Yet, here I sit growing breast, hair is getting longer, weight is coming off and every day that passes my sons dad is dying. Guilt is a horrible burden. Shame and selfishness are also burdens I must bear.

Why is one willing to tear all that down to face an uncertain future? Only another TS could ever understand. I'm sad for the person the world sees in a way. I feel sorry for him, the person surrounding me. He is not who I am. I just want to be me inside and out.

Life is not fair and deserve has nothing to do with it.

Quote from: Floating on April 23, 2008, 11:30:30 AMI'm very envious of how confident and self-aware you all seem to be.

Hey don't worry, sometime in the not too distant future you'll be the one giving out the advice and doing the handholding.  It's true!  Thousands of us have made the journey before you and came out happier, healthier and more confident.  And so will you!


You are stronger than you know.