@LoriDee thank you for your guidance, and advice. I'm so very thankful to have wonderful people like you and everyone else here to help those of us who are just starting out. I am blessed to have so many mentors on here to help me along my journey.

And that is why we are here. I am no expert, but we all have little bits of wisdom to pass along. Sometimes things get confusing and someone explains it, but you don't get it. Then another person says basically the same thing but it clicks and then you understand. Then you pass on what you have learned to the next new member. Gotta love this place! 

It's been a little while since I've posted. Here is a little update for months of July.

My wife and I went to visit her family in the beginning of the month in Massachusetts. I wanted to give her at least one more summer and or vacation that's normal, and by normal I mean no presence or remote thoughts of me being trans and wanting to become a woman. I figured why not,.the least I can do for her since I love her, and obviously I didn't want anything to come up especially in front of her family, since her and I don't even know what the future is for that specific topic.

Anyways the trip was good. She mainly went to see her step dad who has cancer and try to visit her brother who also has cancer. The trip was.mainly.for her to see her family one last.time while everyone is still in good/decent health.

She got to spend time with some good friends of hers (one of which I said that she has my permission to tell her about me being trans if she needs to, since she really has no one to talk to about it) she told me she felt that she didn't need to. So as far as I know her friend doesn't know yet.

We got to go visit Salem where the witch trials happened. That town is like Halloween City all year round. Everything is based on that part of their history. So many shops selling witch stuff, Halloween stuff, crystal shops, tarot readings, scary monsters and just about anything you can think of. Surprisingly enough salem is very LGBTQ friendly. Every shop had a flag hanging in their windows just about. Which I thought would have been a trigger for my wife (since we've been Ignoring me being trans for the time being for mutual co habitation and reduce stress from day to day) but she didnt seem too phased by it or at least didn't let me see it.

We went to an Alanis Morissette concert while she was there touring in mass. We got there late and missed the first two bands but we got to see Joan Jett perform as well as Alanis. Traffic getting to the concert was stupid crazy. I learned a new word for bad drivers that are from Massachusetts. They're called Mass-holes. Lol

We spent a day at the beach with her two friends. It was not bad. I think it was Hampton Beach. Got an ice cream Sunday on an elephant ear. Omg it was so good.

Another day we went to the town were the proposal was filmed. Didn't know it was actually filmed in this sea side town that's in Massachusetts. I forget the name something like Rockport. I'll ask my wife and clarify it later.

The rest of the time we just visited with her family, on their 7 acher farm (used to be a farm but her mom and step dad are older now and can't keep up with having animals and what not.) they just have plants and keep things from getting over grown.

It wasn't bad at all. The week we came back I got sick with something. And have been dealing with it till present.first started with body and muscle aches. Then my mouth got really sore, throat sore, lymph nodes sore. Finally by the end of it, it.mainly became just my entire.mouth, gums, teeth and throat being sore and inflamed. Dr thought it was strep. To.me.it reminded me of mono, but all negative, even COVID tested and that was negative as well. I guess I seem to get sick when I travel. Oh well I seem to be getting better and am past the worst of it.

As for everything else my wife and I are good. I feel like I am doubting myself more.and more. Not sure if I am really trans or not. I gave up on therapy for the time being. All he wants to talk about is my Marriage issues and which I know I have horrible communication skills, want to find out what I am, who I am,.what my truth is.

So yeah. I just don't want to talk about my marriage and what I know needs to happen. I want to find answers out about myself. If I don't find answer about myself how will I ever be able to tell my wife what's going on and what I want and need from our relationship if I don't even know my own truth. I'm back to thinking that I'm gay and ashamed and in denial of it, and becoming a woman is the only way I can see that it is acceptable to be with another man sexually. I just don't know, And with my past sexual abuse as a child with my first sexual experience being with another male (I took on the role of a female) I don't know if that influenced all this in the first place and that makes everything more confusing and complicated. I honestly don't know what to think. I thought I was past that way of thinking but I guess not.

So as one can expect I'm having so serious doubts right now. I even wanted to cancel my.appointment with the VA trans spokesman that was supposed to get the process started for me with the VA, but they had to cancel. So it didn't happen bc of they could not make the appointment for what ever reason. I have not rescheduled it yet and I'm not sure when I will reschedule it or if I even will.

I have been off male hormones for a few months now (since April May time frame), and i am seeing myself become weaker, smaller, and I feel more fragile and frail. I have always said I hope I die Young so I dont have to grow old and see myself become weak and frail compared to what I once was. I know that's apart of life and growing older. We all can't hold onto our youth as much as we wish we could, And that thought has me really considering getting back on testosterone at the minimum to regain some strength and size. I know that would defeat everything I have been trying to do and prepare my body for by getting off all hormones and letting my body return to its normal balanced level. I just don't know. I'm doubting everything. I'm at a point where I think I may try to repress this all again especially since the feelings have subsided from what they were. They have come and gone all my life, and since they're not as strong right now, and I am in doubt of everything I'm thinking maybe I should just try to to ignore it and go back to try to return to living life as I once did up until I started to have this identity crisis. And yes I know that is not the healthy thing to do.

I am and always have been someone that does not like to fight or have confrontation. So all my life I have just held my tongue and or not completely been open and honest with who I am with everyone in my life. Especially once a relationship has developed I'd rather be quiet and not communicate or be honest with who I truly am to spare the people in my life that I have come to love any hurt. Granted I know I will be only causing even more hurt by not communicating. I feel this is prob the lesson I am here to learn this life time is how to speak my truth, and I am failing at it horribly. As of right now I don't ever care to learn this lesson. I'm clearly not mature enough for.many things in my life that I have considering the attitude I have.

And with all this I find myself back to just existing in life and not living. I am no longer passionate about the things I once was. I feel like I'm just here waiting for the day that I am not here anymore. I am struggling big time right now.

Robby,

First, I am glad your vacation was good and without incident. And you are feeling better after a bout of the "Travel Flu".

I would encourage you to follow up with the VA. You do not need to talk to the LGBTQ Care Coordinator if they are not available. If you have a Primary doctor there, talk to them and ask for a Mental Health consult. The VA is VERY trans-friendly and all healthcare providers receive extensive ongoing training. Your Primary will get you to the right person to talk about these things. Focusing on YOU is the right answer and the way you are feeling needs to be addressed.

If you do not have a Primary doctor there yet, get one. All you have to do is make an appointment to see a Primary Care doctor. They will assign you to a PACT group (Patient Aligned Care Team). That will include your Primary, Mental Health, Endocrinology, Pharmacy, Labs, and everything you need.

Mental Health can help you handle stress and anxiety. They can help you explore your gender identity and help you find the answers you seek. Your Primary can address general health, such as feeling weak and frail. They can refer you to Endocrinology to monitor your hormones and recommend the appropriate steps. You are not alone, and you are not the first one to step through their doors with these types of issues. Please make the call this week and schedule an appointment. You only make yourself miserable by waiting, and that affects you and everyone around you.

If you need help getting in touch with someone, PM me. I will make it happen. If you have questions or need advice, I got you. Take care and don't spend much time on questioning yourself right now. You have time to sort things out.

Thanks Lori Dee. You always seem to know exactly what to say.

I know I should go through the VA mental health since I know it would be free vs paying out of pocket like I have been.

I just had my first primary care visit since having relocated to AZ, and never having transfered from my old primary. My Dr is nice. She's a older lady, there were many things I wanted to inquire and ask about. But I froze and didn't mention any of them. I hate going to hospitals and or having to be seen myself for anything. I had gone to the e.r. 2 weeks ago for this sore throat cold flu thing I had, and just by luck I had my primary care initial visit two weeks after. By the time she asked what else she could do for me I just wanted to get out there and be done with it.so I said nothing at all about wanting to seek out trans health care services, or mental health,or medication for my thinning hair. None of it. And knowing myself I don't think I'd care too much to have to constantly go in for one appointment or another on a weekly or monthly basis if I were to start to do mental health or have to be monitored for any future trans health care I might receive, blood work, follow up appointments etc.

I am one of those people that of I had cancer or some terminal illness, id rather be ignorant about it till I die from it, vs knowing about it and having constant visit and tests done for treatment which would only cause me to have a lesser quality of life till I die vs having a normal shorter but higher quality of life till I die from hypothetical illness.

Granted I know that's an extreme example, and its not even close to comparing apple to oranges, but that's how.i am when it comes to dealing with anything medically for myself.

I don't know if I am afraid to openly ask for those things and it go on record. Once things go on record they seem to become permanent and then that's how people think or perceive of you even if things change and it's no longer relevant.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just scared commit to it, bc if I do then I'd have to admit alot.of things to myself that I don't want to or am not ready to accept. And once that happens theres no going back and I have to accept everything that comes with it for all aspects of my life (marriage, social relationships, work etc).

I am not brave enough to do so yet.

Robby,

I totally get it. My brother is an MD and he calls it "White Coat Syndrome". I get it too: anxiety right before an appointment.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on July 29, 2024, 04:02:05 PMI don't know if I am afraid to openly ask for those things and it go on record. Once things go on record they seem to become permanent and then that's how people think or perceive of you even if things change and it's no longer relevant.

Here is the thing about that. Yes, it is entered into your CONFIDENTIAL medical records. No one, except your healthcare providers, has access to that. They NEED to know to treat you correctly. Both medically and professionally. You don't have to say, "Hi, I'm trans!" Because you are not certain that is true. If you tell your Primary that you are having a lot of stress issues, but don't want to discuss them, they would suggest you talk to Mental Health. End of that discussion.

Then with Mental Health, they will want to know some history to try to understand what you are feeling and why. That happens at the speed you are comfortable with. I was seeing my Primary and my psychologist about once every six months. Once on hormones, they start out monitoring about once a month. If everything looks good they stretch it out to 3 months, then six months, then even a year out. Is that something you could handle?

Keep in mind that the status of transgender does not get entered into your records until you agree to it. They will ask you what your preferred name is, your preferred gender, and even what name you go by. That does not get entered into your records until you allow it.

Part of what you are experiencing is "fear of the unknown" because you are new to the area and new to the VA doctor. Get to know them, they will treat you right. Let them get to know you. Baby steps. You don't have to do a big reveal if you are not ready.

When I talked to my doctor, I asked her about the VA's policy on hormone therapy. She explained the policy and then asked if that was something I might be interested in. I said yes, and she said she would need to send me to Mental Health first, then she could get started for me. I had already been seeing a psychologist there for stress and anxiety issues, so she sent me back to my same psych doctor. My point is that it is a slow and easy pace. They know you are uncomfortable talking about personal issues. They are sensitive to that.

I understand your reluctance, I really do. But I am concerned that you are struggling with this and trying to do it on your own. Veteran to Veteran, I am asking you to not do it alone. It will be hard at first, but I promise you it will get easier. I have been going to the same clinic for so long now, some of the nurses and I are friends. They stop and say hello, maybe chat for a bit because they know me. Wouldn't that be nice to have friends who are professionals who know what you need and are there to help you? Don't let the fear of the unknown stop you from being happy.

If I was there, I would go with you to your appointment as a support person. The VA allows that. If you can get in touch with the LGBTQ contact, they will go with you to your appointment. The staff will do whatever they can to make it easy for you. They are there to take care of veterans because you earned it. They will treat you with respect or I will fly down there and kick over their trash cans. I know exactly who to call to file a complaint and that person will lose their job.

You can do this. You have been through worse, so I know you can handle it. Let me know if you need help.
 

@Lori Dee,

 Thank you. I'm going to let myself sit and dwell on this for a bit. Hopefully I can reach more of a calm and stable mindset, and then I will reach out to my primary care doctor through the my health vet secure messaging system. At least that way it is not face to face.

And no I don't think once a month or every 3 months to twice a year appointment are too much. I feel like I barely have enough time as it is trying to do what I have currently been doing, yet alone having more appointments I will prob have to take off work for. But that's just another excuse. I guess right now it's not as much of a priority to me yet or I'd find the time and make it happen. This is exactly what I mean. I'd rather live in my current state than have to go to uncomfortable awkward appointments even tho in the long run it will do me good.

I understand. Using Secure Messaging is a great way to communicate with your providers!

Just as long as you know that you have the resources available when you are ready.

Take care of yourself and be safe.

I contacted my primary care doctor through the secure messaging system. I explained how I am not a good advocate for myself and that I dislike having to do anything when it comes to going to the hospital etc.

I said I was interested in seeing mental health specialist specifically for trans/gender identity issues, and also would like to know more about what the VA offers for trans/gender affirming care and how the process works if I eventually wanted to seek that care in the future.

I also mentioned some other health concerns of mine that I failed to bring to her attention while I was there.

Just waiting for a response from her or one of the nurses on her team.

I did have my letter saved as a draft for a bit, but now that it's sent off and official I can't really see what I was afraid of, but I'm in limbo waiting for a response so I guess my fear will now be more about what may come with now having "opened this can of worms" officially, especially with me having been in the mind set of making excuses to not deal with or to delay the process because I'm comfortable not having to do the hard work in terms of self reflection and what might happen good or bad after the reflection period is over and it's time for action.

Hi Robby,

You did the right thing! I am glad that Secure Messaging provided a means to contact your doctor and ask for answers and help. You won't need the draft copy as all messages are archived and you can log in and view them so you know exactly what you said or asked.

Since you brought up several issues, you can expect an appointment to see a Mental Health provider. Be honest with them so they can answer your questions and make the correct recommendations. Your primary care physician may also make an appointment for labs to check hormone levels, such as vitamin levels, liver enzymes, thyroid, kidneys, etc. This is important information for them, so down the road, as changes are being made (hormones for example), they have a reference to compare to.

I am very proud of you for taking this first step. I know it is hard, but if you embrace it you will find it is not nearly as bad as you imagined, and the result will be a happier you no matter what you decide to do (transition or not). It is always good to have someone in your corner who knows what you are going through mentally and physically. If you get squeamish at the last minute before your appointment, remember that the LGBTQ Care Coordinator will go with you as a support person and advocate. If you need it, reach out to them. That's their job.

Good luck. I look forward to hearing some good news about how it is going.

Hugs!

Thank you Lori Dee.

Primary care Dr will be setting up a consultation for me to get in touch with mental health specialist.

As well as gave me options for the other health concerns I had inquired about.

Yes, New England is very LGBTQ friendly.
The Big E has gender neutral rest rooms.

Hi Robby

You have my thoughts and well wishes with you as you take the steps that are needed.  Lori I know has your six and I will be here to support you in anyway that I can.

I'm happy that you have taken the first steps and I hope your dreams come true.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@LoriDee
@Robbyv213

@Sarah B thank you. You are one of many pillars of strength and support here.

@Maid Marion yes I was quite surprised in a good way how many places were LGBTQ friendly

VA mental health scheduled for Sept 12th. Over a month away. I will continue to see my current therapist for the time being. Unfortunately the VA does not work with my current therapist so I will have to start over with the new one.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 01, 2024, 01:26:11 PMVA mental health scheduled for Sept 12th. Over a month away. I will continue to see my current therapist for the time being. Unfortunately the VA does not work with my current therapist so I will have to start over with the new one.

That was my experience too. I signed some papers to give my therapist permission to send his notes to my VA Psychologist. My Psychologist said he wasn't interested in reading someone else's opinion. He said each has their own method of doing things, so we started from scratch. But it was worth it.

Working with a new therapist won't be a new "start from the beginning" experience.  You've already worked through a few things.  Makes it easier the second time.  I think you'll be fine, dear.

My VA therapist was more concerned with the symptoms of drastic dysphoria and the risks of self harm than the history lesson.  She took as a given that I knew what I was and what I needed.  So many of us can't dig ourselves out of the depths of despair (jumping off the cliffs of insanity).  She supported transition immediately, but the VA really limits the medical response but actively supports "presenting" skills like voice coaching and prosthetics.  They'll be kind and helpful, happy to do what the law allows.  I've never been so affirmed as when I'm in the Women's Clinic being treated, so completely accepted.

Of course each of us have individual needs and triggers, and you women are not this woman, but I think likely "we are all individuals, just like everybody else."  Enjoy the journey!

Quote from: D'Amalie on August 01, 2024, 03:56:26 PMWorking with a new therapist won't be a new "start from the beginning" experience.  You've already worked through a few things.  Makes it easier the second time.  I think you'll be fine, dear.

I had not thought of that, but you are exactly right!
Any therapy you had before is not wasted or thrown out. We learned something from it.

Thanks, D'Amalie for pointing that out.