I hope you get as lucky as I have been. My VA Psychologist is awesome. She gets me to the point of almost being scary. She will say something that I am only thinking, and I'll say, "Get out of my head, woman!" Then we laugh. She taps her fingertips together like an arch-villain and gives a sinister smile. That always cracks me up.

I think checking in with your non-VA therapist now and then is a good idea. If nothing else, just to let him know how you are doing and for a bit of closure. Good luck!

The only bra(s) that seem to fit well are the x-dress brand bras (which are made for men), jokey sports bras, and the negative underwear brand mesh front closure bra (which was extremely expensive).

I like the negative brand, the band fits well, and I fill out the cups. They do their sizes weird though. I am a size 5 in their brand which is the biggest size they offer.

This is the link to the website and specific page for the negative brand.

https://negativeunderwear.com/products/black-sieve-racerback-bra
 

Finding clothes that fit is a big problem when you are bigger or smaller than most of the target audience of a clothing manufacturer.  It isn't as simple as mathematically scaling dimensions up or down.  For one, I've never seen a printed cloth pattern scaled for different sizes.

Online clothing has gotten much better.  Returns are expensive so online retailers have worked to eliminate vanity sizing.  If you buy something from Amazon you can return it through Kohl's.

@Maid Marion that's why I love Amazon, most of products are an easy return drop off at Kohl's and then you get coupons for Kohl's as well..win win.

Welp yesterday was an ok day till I got home. Once again my wife is snooping around and going through my dresser and of course she found the Victoria secret bra I've been trying to find the time to return. Which lead to another interrogation (or at least it felt like it).

I'm horrible at having tough honest conversations with people I love and don't want to lose and cause pain,hurt feelings and what ever other emotions they will have from me having to speak something i know is a tough and sensitive issue for them.

So after that conversation which prob is not as bad as it felt at the time, I just put on my happy face mask and went on with the rest of the evening.

This morning I wanted all I wanted to do was cry while I was at the gym. Couldn't get into a good workout. Clearly not in the right head space, and I'm sure I am still not. Thoughts of not existing anymore were pretty frequent while I was trying to get my workout done. I really wish I was normal.

In other news our newest dog (we have 3), is getting neutered today. He is a puppy corgi named Rocky. I hope it goes well and there's no complications. If only that procedure is as cheap for humans as it is dogs. Lol right. Maybe one day I'll join the club with the rest of my male dogs who have been neutered already. Lol. Sorry I have a dark sense of humor.

If your wife knows and accepts you, why would there be an interrogation?  I'm confused.  I must have missed the rest of the story.

Quote from: D'Amalie on August 21, 2024, 03:41:21 PMIf your wife knows and accepts you, why would there be an interrogation?  I'm confused.  I must have missed the rest of the story.

It is the "acceptance" part that they are working on.

@D'Amalie, @Lori Dee is correct. My wife accepts me as I am now. She is unsure how she feels and where she stands if I were to start any form of transition, yet alone become and live life as a woman everyday.

She has said that she has no interest in being with another woman, she is not romantically or sexually attracted to women.

That she loves and care about me, and would support me if I feel I need to transition, but she said that she doesn't think she could remain my wife.

That was a brief summary of one of our initial conversations shortly after she found out I was trans. Since then as far as I can see or tell she has not done anything on her end to help her deal or cope with any one this. I feel that she doesn't want to until she is forced to when I am finally able to tell her that I need to transition (to what extent I don't know, but nothing is out of the question as in hormones, surgeries, socially etc)

I know she loves and cares for me, I just feel that she won't be able to change the way she views trans people and this topic from being raised with very conservative parents, and .out of her friends also share conservative views.

I almost feel that she cares more about what people will think and say about her than me actually being healthy and happy. That she cares more how it will affect her than it would actually affect me. I don't know this for sure, it just seems like it from the way our initial conversations went, and how everything was my fault, and how if I did become a woman how it would affect her socially, with family, with friends and at her work.

I won't know for sure how she feels and or thinks about everything now since a few months have passed, but life seems to always make it a bad time to bring up. There is always something. the last thing I want is to have a serious conversation about a very sensitive subject for her when life seems to be kicking her while shes down so to speak.

Hi Robby

You mentioned in your above post:

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 16, 2024, 11:02:40 AMWelp yesterday was an ok day till I got home. Once again my wife is snooping around and going through my dresser and of course she found the Victoria secret bra I've been trying to find the time to return. Which lead to another interrogation (or at least it felt like it).

My question for you is, why hide it?  I know it is not as easy as that sounds.  She knows and you know she is going to snoop around.  Yes, I understand, that she may not realize the serious nature of what you want to do.  I don't know about the problems that are associated with coming out with partners as I was never in a relationship before I changed my life around.  I answered a particular question about literature in another thread that you began about 'Amanda and Shaye' on Youtube.  Which I hope will help you in some small way.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 16, 2024, 11:02:40 AMI'm horrible at having tough honest conversations with people I love and don't want to lose and cause pain, hurt feelings and what ever other emotions they will have from me having to speak something i know is a tough and sensitive issue for them.

You may know, that I left my family and friends behind when I changed my life around, I loved them and cared for them.  However, I left them because I did not want them to know about what I was going to do, I did not want to hurt them or the ramifications of what I was doing to fall upon them.

I don't know how they felt at the time after they realized that I had gone and what I was going to do and to this day I have never had this particular conversation with them.  I have the sense that their thoughts were; "Sarah did what she did and life went on".

I do believe that my mum was hurt a little, but I never really discussed with my mum about what I did.  I got the impression that she did not want to know and did say she was not interested in certain aspects of what I did .  However, my mum and family accepted me unconditionally.

I should have questioned mum on this, but my mum is no longer with me.  I do know that she loved me.  I looked after for ten odd years and because I was at the dinning table one time, she walked away she said, "you do not know how much I love you".

Recently, I have thought about asking members of my family, how much it may have hurt them especially my mum.  So in a sense, I have to have a couple of those conversations.  Just for curious sake.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 16, 2024, 11:02:40 AMSo after that conversation which prob is not as bad as it felt at the time, I just put on my happy face mask and went on with the rest of the evening.

This morning I wanted all I wanted to do was cry while I was at the gym. Couldn't get into a good workout. Clearly not in the right head space, and I'm sure I am still not. Thoughts of not existing anymore were pretty frequent while I was trying to get my workout done. I really wish I was normal.

Maybe a sign of things to come that your partner is coming around, so I hope that she does.  I know what it is like to have good and bad sessions in the pool.  I could be doing just 1.5km (1mi) swim which is extremely easy and it can be the lousiest swim of my life and yet do a 6km (3.7mi) and be one of the best swims I have ever had.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 16, 2024, 11:02:40 AMIn other news our newest dog (we have 3), is getting neutered today. He is a puppy corgi named Rocky. I hope it goes well and there's no complications. If only that procedure is as cheap for humans as it is dogs. Lol right. Maybe one day I'll join the club with the rest of my male dogs who have been neutered already. Lol. Sorry I have a dark sense of humor.

Being neutered you say?  Well hows this for something to think about.  I was around my brothers, with wife and two of my nieces for tea one evening and they were talking about getting one of their dogs desexed.  Amongst the banter, without mentioning me specifically they were referring to me being desexed. Yes it hurt a little, however the whole conversation was hysterically funny.  So sick humour, I can live with that.

When I changed my life around all those years ago, I did think about having the ability to have children but the means of doing so was not readily available at the time and too much time had passed because of the hormones I was taking.  Yes, it hurts very much even to this day that I was not able to have children.  So I would suggest that you seriously consider this as an issue for you too take under consideration.

Take care and all the best

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@Robbyv213

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 21, 2024, 06:11:31 PMI almost feel that she cares more about what people will think and say about her than me actually being healthy and happy. That she cares more how it will affect her than it would actually affect me. I don't know this for sure, it just seems like it from the way our initial conversations went, and how everything was my fault, and how if I did become a woman how it would affect her socially, with family, with friends and at her work.

This is a huge issue for some folks.  Their status in society.
Which means she is concerned about how you appear in public.
Underdressing in panties is OK because nobody knows.
A bra is different because it is easy to pick out the bra straps underneath someone's clothes.
This is something you need to talk about.

That was all my ex thought about, what will folk say not bothered about me at all.

@Sarah B

I'm not sure why I hide some things and others I don't. Guess I feel the more I don't hide things and the more I experiment with and keep moving forward will just cause.more stress and anxiety for her.

I once wore panties everyday to bed for about 2 or 3 weeks ( I usually sleep naked), at first she didnt seem to care, after a few days she may have made a comment here or there, or pinched my butt, but near the end when it became the norm and not just something i did occasionally it started to bother her.

So I guess if I started to not hide things and just did what ever I felt like trying (as in make up, wearing night gowns, wearing wigs and breast forms and dressing up) I'm sure that would only push her over the edge for what she can handle. And we do have a 14 year old girl in the house as well.

So yea. Hopefully she is coming around and to terms with it all. We will see.

And I did look up the couple you suggested to search on you tube as well as a few others.

I am not sure. I think it may be a little of everything when it comes to what will bother her the most.

And I am not down playing her side of things by no means. Just like I am transitioning and dealing with everything I face privately and publicly, so is she.

She is going through a transition just as much as I am and she didn't get a choice in the matter, her only choice is if she wants to stay on the roller coaster or get off the ride when she can't handle anymore.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 22, 2024, 12:40:24 PMI am not sure. I think it may be a little of everything when it comes to what will bother her the most.

And I am not down playing her side of things by no means. Just like I am transitioning and dealing with everything I face privately and publicly, so is she.

She is going through a transition just as much as I am and she didn't get a choice in the matter, her only choice is if she wants to stay on the roller coaster or get off the ride when she can't handle anymore.

It is so cool that you recognize what she is going through and that she is going through it with you. And by taking things slowly, you are giving her time to adapt, process, and hopefully accept. It may seem like it is taking forever from your point of view, but that is why threads like this are so important. You can always go back and see where you were a few months ago, then realize how far you have come. I am proud of the way you are doing this. Any progress is still progress.

@Lori Dee thank you.

Hi, Robby,
It's good to bump into you again (we knew each other on a different forum, not trans related).

I wouldn't worry too much about how much muscle you have. If you end up going the HRT route, your body will change a lot. I'm shorter than you and nearly the same weight but I pass just fine and have no problems. If there are exercises that you enjoy, I would recommend sticking with them since the positive impact of exercise on mental health is important and may become even more important as you face potential difficulties.

I won't lie to you, your marriage may not survive. Regardless of whether you medically transition or not, you've let the cat out of the bag and there is no putting it back in the bag now. Just knowing that a spouse has such feelings has broken many marriages, even when medical transition wasn't involved. I'm among the lucky few whose marriage survived, but I am in the minority. And even we separated for a period of two years.

My advice at this point is be open and honest with your wife about what you're doing. Hiding bras and other clothing will only make her distrust you.

As for childhood trauma, I personally don't believe that being transgender is caused by that kind of stuff. Plenty of us never experienced major trauma as kids and are every bit as transgender as those who did. It's still a great idea to work through those traumatic experiences with a therapist, but I would not link those experiences with gender dysphoria or being trans.

@BlueJaye

I am patient. Just trying to do what I can now. I fully plan to let the HRT run it's course for how ever many years it takes to reach the maximum affect (or what the doctors say is the time period where the maximum affect is) before I plan on doing anything else like surgeries (if I feel the need.)

I just figured losing some weight or more so muscle mass now will help later in the long run since being on HRT will prob make it more difficult to lose weight (and that's just an assumption since i know estrogen will redistribution fat, while testosterone helps with muscle strength and fat loss.)

I do hope my marriage survives, but being realistic I feel it's only a matter of time before we end up separating. It is hard for me to talk with my wife, especially about this topic. I feel it's not a safe environment for me to open up to her. She usually is a quick knee jerk reaction kind of person till she has had time to cool off and think it over with more of a level head.

But I agree honestly is the best route, and I'm trying to do that as much as I can as often as I can when the subject comes up.

My therapist and I have talked about my childhood, and he has helped me see.that the two are in related, but every now and again the thought does creep into my head.

I will be having my consultation with the va's mental health specialist hear on Sept 12th. So soon enough I will hopefully have more to go on in order to move forward or not. It scares me though because the close it gets, the sooner I'll have to have a talk with the wife which I am not looking forward to having, especially if they feel I do have gender dysphoria and feel I should speak with an endocrinologist (even if I dont start hormones right away). I guess having the knowledge and questions answered would be beneficial for answering any questions my wife might have in the future. But I think getting a diagnosis of gender diaphoria will help in terms of my wife being more understanding I guess for lack of a better word.

Either way the sooner it comes the sooner more uncomfortable talks will need to happen

Just to be clear, even if you have your diagnosis does not mean you need to have the talk the same day. I got my diagnosis in 2017 and I didn't tell anyone for two years. Partially because I was afraid to, but mostly because I didn't understand what that meant. It took me two years to understand that this is me and that gave me just barely enough confidence to come out and talk about it.

Don't feel you need to rush things. Make sure that YOU understand it. Then you can better explain it to others when (and only when) you feel the time is right.

One thing I always tell people is that gender dysphoria is an indiscriminate monster that doesn't play favorites. It doesn't care about your religious beliefs, your efforts to conceal it, or anything else. It does the same things to everyone who suffers from it no matter their background or history. Some suffer more than others, but everyone who experiences gender dysphoria suffers to some degree. And that is something that a lot of spouses don't understand.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 21, 2024, 06:11:31 PM@D'Amalie, @Lori Dee is correct. My wife accepts me as I am now. She is unsure how she feels and where she stands if I were to start any form of transition, yet alone become and live life as a woman everyday.

She has said that she has no interest in being with another woman, she is not romantically or sexually attracted to women.

That she loves and care about me, and would support me if I feel I need to transition, but she said that she doesn't think she could remain my wife.

That was a brief summary of one of our initial conversations shortly after she found out I was trans. Since then as far as I can see or tell she has not done anything on her end to help her deal or cope with any one this. I feel that she doesn't want to until she is forced to when I am finally able to tell her that I need to transition (to what extent I don't know, but nothing is out of the question as in hormones, surgeries, socially etc)

I know she loves and cares for me, I just feel that she won't be able to change the way she views trans people and this topic from being raised with very conservative parents, and .out of her friends also share conservative views.

I almost feel that she cares more about what people will think and say about her than me actually being healthy and happy. That she cares more how it will affect her than it would actually affect me. I don't know this for sure, it just seems like it from the way our initial conversations went, and how everything was my fault, and how if I did become a woman how it would affect her socially, with family, with friends and at her work.

I won't know for sure how she feels and or thinks about everything now since a few months have passed, but life seems to always make it a bad time to bring up. There is always something. the last thing I want is to have a serious conversation about a very sensitive subject for her when life seems to be kicking her while shes down so to speak.

I could quote this word for word and put it into my life story.  She'll be disapproving passively one day, then the next straighten a bra strap as I'm getting dressed for work, or curl my hair for me, buy me roses or even new panties the next day!