My wife recently found out about me being or potentially being trans this past April. Since then there have been a few heated conversations and then life walking in egg shells, and ignoring the elephant in the room trying to live life as before.

I know there are going to be some really tough, sensitive conversations to have in the near future. I struggle with finding the right words to say to start with yet alone the words for most of the topics or things I'd like to say. I have spoke with my therapist about this and I always forget his suggestions when I am faced with the opportunity to have the conversation.

I want to have this conversation. I want to be able to share this side of myself and openly talk to her about it as I am exploring this side of myself. I want to be able to share how excited I am about trying some piece of clothing, or wanting her to help me learn things about how to be a woman like make up and hair etc.

This is where I always struggle. I want to be able to share these things with her, but I know my excitement is her pain. How can I cause such grief for someone I love and care about so much. So when the opportunity finally comes and she's not having a bad day how do I have this conversation knowing I'm going to cause her to have all these emotions and grief and make most of her days for the foreseeable future bad.

So any advice or suggestions on what to say and how to say it, or ways to initiate these conversations in a manner that hopefully won't leaded to a heated conversation or argument would be appreciated.

Telling your spouse may be the most difficult thing you'll ever do. I don't know if this will help, but I posted a copy of the letter I gave my wife  here: https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,233104.msg2078576.html#msg2078576

Some additional advice... don't break the news on any 'special' days, like a birthday or anniversary. Also avoid Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Valentine's Day. Be prepared for a negative reaction and the potential for an extended period of sleeping in separate rooms. Don't push things, don't provide a flood of information unless your spouse seems to be handling it well. Tell the truth. Be gentle. Give them time to understand.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

@Robbyv213

I posted my suggestions in response to your other post at:

https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,248340.msg2276917.html#msg2276917

Unfortunately, most of us have this challenge and in reality, it usually doesn't go well. My wife was autistic, so she has trouble grasping some concepts. She had appreciated my feminine tendencies for years, but never put 2 and 2 together, so when I told her, it was a shock. She is a researcher, so I gave he some topics to search for, and we discussed what she had learned. I stressed that I didn't want to be trans, but it is something we are born with, and need to manage.

We came to an arrangement, that I could get relief from dysphoria at home while she was out. This worked for a while, but she did catch me on occasions, and I quickly changed. She soon realised how silly this was, and said on those occasions I didn't have to get changed. This worked for a year or so, but she got more and more used to me being me, and then agreed that I could be myself anytime I needed it.

Through this period I made sure we often spoke about it, so she felt she was part of my transition, and really had a say in everything I did. There was, however, one solid agreement that it would stay between us, and nobody else was to find out. All up, we had a great marriage for 20 years like this, but my dysphoria got steadily worse, and It got to the point I had to completely transition. We reached this point together, I said I would honour our original agreement even if it put my life at risk, but she argued for me to transition, and then I started HRT.

The reason this worked for as long as it did, was that we tackled it as a team. I never once said I wanted to transition, always did my best to avoid it, and when we discussed things, if she said no, I stopped until she was comfortable. She understood this was something I needed to remain healthy rather than something I wanted. In this, she never felt I was choosing a lifestyle over her happiness, and she felt she had a say in everything.

Make your wife understand this is a need, not a want, and that you will work with her as a team to find the best way forward for both of you. Be prepared to giver her some time to absorb things, and let her know that your love for her will not waver. Transition isn't an overnight thing, and it can take as long as you both need.

Despite having the best 20 years of my life, she did leave me shortly after my GRS, and it hurt me incredibly. I understand that it just wasn't in her scope of understanding to be with me publicly, but she has realised we are soul mates, and are now best friends. We live apart but talk most days, and she admitted she wasn't looking for another partner.

All we can do is be honest, work as a team, and hope we can grow through this together, but also with the knowledge that it often doesn't work the way we would like, and be prepared for everything.

Good Luck,

Allie

Thank you all for your suggestions, and sharing what you all did in your own life and circumstances. This does help a lot.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on August 16, 2024, 06:03:54 PMHow can I cause such grief for someone I love and care about so much.

I do not have a significant other to broach this with so... I defer you to the wisdom of the other folks here who have been through this. The one thing I would say to you though, honey, is that... this is not the right way to think.

You do not cause anything. People choose how they feel about things. That is on them, it's not on you. For one person who might be hurt, there will be another person who will be relieved, maybe even happy.

Please, please don't let that thought process creep in because that leads to guilt. And guilt leads to all kinds of really bad stuff, okay?

How someone deals with something you tell them is their own issue. It's not your issue to take upon yourself. To shoulder the burden of "I shouldn't have said anything."

People don't hurt us, we hurt ourselves by how we assimilate, and deal with the things around us. We choose to feel hurt, or happy. For every one person who chooses to feel hurt by something, there is someone who doesn't. That is not your call to make. And it's not your burden to bear. This is important to realise. Please keep this in mind, honey.

All you can do is show someone the door. They are the one who must face it, and choose whether to walk through it or not.

*big hugs*

My advice to you is to just be honest. And let someone assimilate it in their own way. Don't sugar coat stuff. Don't apologise for stuff. Just be honest. If they need time to deal with what you've said, give them time. And if they have any questions... answer as forthrightly as you can. But never feel ashamed for saying anything. It's a mark of respect towards someone that you told them, rather than hide it. You have every right to be you. And loved for being you.

*extra hugs*

Hi Robby -

Well, first of all, it sounds like the BIGGEST part of the discussion has already occurred - in that she now knows you're trans. And she's had several months to begin to process that.

But the fact is, in the absence of real information, people will seek out whatever they can find to fill the gaps. So because you haven't really been speaking about it, what you don't know is -- has she been reading about the trans experience to try to figure out what you're going through? Or what it means from a spouse's perspective? And what kinds of sources is she reading?

The reason I bring that up is, you mentioned that you have a therapist. Each of us can share our personal experiences as to how things went with our wives, but only you know YOUR wife -- she's an individual. And I assume you've spent months talking about all this with your therapist. So I'd strongly recommend that you, with your therapist's help, come up with a game plan as soon as possible to convey to your wife your story, while also emphasizing how important a part of your life she is going forward (if that is indeed the case).

In terms of practical, generic advice? Jessica's note to not do it on any special days is spot on. It's really important to make sure it doesn't appear that you're making this MORE important that your relationship -- from your wife's perspective.

And while you said you're struggling to come up with the words in the moment to talk to her? Might I suggest that you write her a letter? You can take your time, write it out, have your therapist (who has likely read several such letters) read it as well... and when you're ready, share it with your wife.

You might also ask your therapist, or people here, for some recommendations of books, blogs, etc... to offer to your wife to look at if she wants to, in order to learn more about what you're going through. For example, I found the youtube videos of Dr. Z PHD really insightful before I came out (I haven't gone back much in the last two years, I admit), but I did share that link with my wife early on and I know she watched some and found them really informative.

That's all I've got! Good luck!!

Love,
Allie

I'd suggest setting ground rules on how far you will go with your transition until you discuss that further.  That way she won't be surprised with you doing something she didn't expect.  A good topic is how you present yourself in public.

QuoteMy wife recently found out about me being or potentially being trans this past April.

Please share more: What did she learn and how did she learn it?

QuoteSince then there have been a few heated conversations....

Again, please share more.

@Oldandcreaky that story has already been shared in another thread. If I remember correctly it was in the introduction subject category. Possibly In this category as well. I don't remember. I will try to find and share the link.

@Oldandcreaky here is the link to the information you asked about

https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,248029.0.html

@Jessica_Rose when you wrote you wife the letter, did you just give her the letter for her to read on her own time, or did you get a quiet safe place to read her the letter you wrote?

In asking because I had a therapy session today and I discussed writing a letter to my wife about my current thoughts feelings and what I want to do to explore this side of myself etc. he said the most receptive way is for me to read her the letter I wrote if I'm not able to have talk to her about It. He said that If I just give it to her or leave it for her to read, then it prob won't get read, I won't be able to see her reaction, I won't be able to answer any questions or talk about it when she finishes.

I wrote a letter because I knew I couldn't tell her everything in my own voice without breaking down. I waited until we were both in bed for the evening, then I gave her the letter. Writing a letter let me explain everything, without the potential of forgetting something important. It also gave my wife something she could read again at any time, without having to ask. There will always be questions, there isn't a 'one size fits all' explanation. Be prepared for a negative reaction, and give her time.

Love always -- Jess

@Jessica_Rose how difficult was it to go to bed after she read the letter and all reactions and questions were done with?

I know it would make for a horrible night's sleep for my wife and myself. Def needs to be done when neither of us have to work the next day that's for sure. Lol.

I'm just dying to figure out how best to give her the letter once it's finished in its entirety. I'm not sure if I'd be able to have the conversation like you said without breaking down or forgetting something. And even if I have it written down and I read the letter to her, again I'm not sure o could do it or get through it all especially if she Interrupted me to say something or ask a question.

I don't remember if I got much sleep, or even if we both slept in the same room that night. I know we slept in separate bedroom for several months. We also didn't talk much for a long time. I didn't want to say anything that would upset Susan, so I didn't bring the subject up unless absolutely necessary. I think what helped the most was Susan realizing that I was slowly becoming a better person.

To be honest, I think if Susan had someplace to go, she would have left me. I wouldn't have blamed her. I remember the person I used to be, and I still don't understand why she stayed with him for so long. Be prepared for an emotionally rough night, but tell the truth. I don't have any statistics, but my guess is that only about 30% of relationships survive something like this. When the options are a continuing spiral down into darkness and despair, or a chance at finding joy and happiness, is there really a choice?

Love always -- Jess

@Jessica_Rose yes I agree. I'm coming to the conclusion that I will have to transition no matter what even if it does cost me everything that I hold dear right now. Not to say that there won't be better times and happiness in the future. Just saying that I'm coming to accept what ever happens so I can actually live life, vs just existing.

Quote from: Jessica_Rose on August 29, 2024, 11:00:29 AMTo be honest, I think if Susan had someplace to go, she would have left me. I wouldn't have blamed her.

I'm not so sure she would have left. Having seen you two together, I have no doubt she is an amazing woman (so are you!). I think if she did leave it would have been to process all of it, but then come back with questions and try to make it work. That's just an outsider looking in, but that's how it seems to me.

@Robbyv213 If she does leave, don't write her off right away. Sometimes time alone is needed to process the situation. That can be hard to do when you are in the middle of it. Taking a step back helps to see the big picture.

I have asked Susan why she stayed through with me through all of my 'dark' years, and she replies with 'because I love you'. I let her know that I would understand if she wanted to leave. This wasn't something either of us expected. But when two people care enough for each other, anything is possible. Time and patience are an important part of the equation, along with empathy liberally sprinkled with love.

Love always -- Jess

Thanks for the advice and suggestions. I'm still trying to finish this letter.