After a while of doing well, the last two weeks has seen my dysphoria changed, and I feel that I'm at a crossroads. I've become uncomfortable being male, uncomfortable in my body, and uncomfortable being seen as male, and it has me feeling very sad. I think constantly about being a female, and I feel very scared now. I don't want to transition, but, it feels like I don't have a choice now.

Quote from: Alana1990 on August 24, 2024, 04:17:00 PMAfter a while of doing well, the last two weeks has seen my dysphoria changed, and I feel that I'm at a crossroads. I've become uncomfortable being male, uncomfortable in my body, and uncomfortable being seen as male, and it has me feeling very sad. I think constantly about being a female, and I feel very scared now. I don't want to transition, but, it feels like I don't have a choice now.

What changed in the last two weeks, sweetie? Anything specific you can put your finger on? Or just a general shift in your perspective?

Can I also ask... what scares you?

*hugs*

Quote from: Sephirah on August 24, 2024, 05:05:58 PMWhat changed in the last two weeks, sweetie? Anything specific you can put your finger on? Or just a general shift in your perspective?

Can I also ask... what scares you?

*hugs*

@Sephirah, it was a shift in my perspective. I'm scared if I transition, I'll lose my friends, family, and job.

Quote from: Alana1990 on August 24, 2024, 05:12:45 PM@Sephirah, it was a shift in my perspective. I'm scared if I transition, I'll lose my friends, family, and job.

I see. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this, Alana? In a more professional sense? A therapist or someone along those lines?

Sorry for all the questions. I am just naturally curious and find that people do better when they find their own answers instead of being told what those answers are. To that end... if it's okay, could you tell me a bit about your current situation? What it is you feel like you may have to give up if you follow how you're feeling?

Quote from: Sephirah on August 24, 2024, 05:33:00 PMI see. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this, Alana? In a more professional sense? A therapist or someone along those lines?

Sorry for all the questions. I am just naturally curious and find that people do better when they find their own answers instead of being told what those answers are. To that end... if it's okay, could you tell me a bit about your current situation? What it is you feel like you may have to give up if you follow how you're feeling?

@Sephirah, I have a therapist I talk to. She's out of the country right now, on vacation. We've been emailing on/off today.

Quote from: Sephirah on August 24, 2024, 05:33:00 PMI see. Do you have anyone you can talk to about this, Alana? In a more professional sense? A therapist or someone along those lines?

Sorry for all the questions. I am just naturally curious and find that people do better when they find their own answers instead of being told what those answers are. To that end... if it's okay, could you tell me a bit about your current situation? What it is you feel like you may have to give up if you follow how you're feeling?

@Sephirah, I'm worried I won't be accepted, and will lose all of them.

Quote from: Alana1990 on August 24, 2024, 05:38:06 PM@Sephirah, I'm worried I won't be accepted, and will lose all of them.

That's perfectly understandable and a very valid fear, Alana. We can never really know how those around us will react to changes we make in our life. The only even remotely applicable words I can offer you are these. For me, personally, I lost more people in my life through hating myself than I ever did through not hating myself. Mostly because self hatred and self loathing drove people away. Not even just with regard to being trans.

Like ripples in a pond, how you feel about yourself echoes out into the world, and those around you. However you identify... when you are not happy with who you are, that has a very profound impact on the world around you. In how you are, and how you act. Just as the converse is also true.

I am glad you have someone to talk to about this. You should broach this with your therapist and see what her opinion is with regard to how you feel and how to proceed.

You don't deserve to be unhappy, sweetie. *big hugs*

Alana, how can your loved ones be happy if they know you are in pain? I was in a similar place in December 2016. I had finally realized where all of my anger and darkness was coming from. I was afraid that I would lose everyone I loved, but transitioning was the only path which had the possibility of happiness.

Last June, my wife and I celebrated out 40th anniversary. We are still together, and my relationship with our children is better than ever. I still have the same job. Although a few friends drifted away, I have made many new friends. When my wife and I remarried three years ago, I realized that all of our guests were people I had met after making the decision to transition.

Transitioning isn't easy. There are many battles which must be fought. Is it worth it? I can't answer for everyone, but for me, the answer is 'yes'.

Love always -- Jess

Alana,

I had the same fears as you. I spent months thinking about whether I should tell anyone. I was absolutely certain I knew who would hate me and who might be supportive. I was totally wrong on all accounts. Those that I thought would leave, stayed. Those that I thought would be supportive, turned their backs on me.

I chose not to have negativity in my life. If they want to leave, that is their decision. If that is their decision because you are being honest with them, do you really want that kind of person around? Yes, it is hard at first. Yes, it can feel lonely. But every friend that I have now, knows me as Lori and accepts me for me. There are many family members I no longer speak to. It is sad, but it was their choice, not mine. You must let them decide for themselves. Then you will see their true colors.

No matter what happens, we are here for you.

Hi Alana.  I think I know how you are feeling, or I have at least experienced some of what you are going through.  Everybody's experience is their own.  My therapist was a huge help.  We had sessions for a year before I began HRT.  Something she said that struck me was that there is no one or right way to transition.  You can transition as much or as little as you would like.  You can come out to some people, come out to everyone, or come out to nobody if you chose.  You do not owe anyone anything in that regard.  You can transition secretly, socially, medically, through surgery, all the above, or none of the above.  There is no rule book.  For me, I took slow deliberate steps.  I started with therapy.  It helped me wrap my mind around it and come to terms with the fact that "yes I was trans, and would probably be happier not running from it".  I first came out to my wife, and similar to Jessica's experience, she has been extremely supportive.  We are the happiest we have ever been.  A year or so in, I began HRT.  About 6 months later I told a few very close friends I knew would accept me and keep it on the down-low for me. I was lucky enough to be in the process of losing a ton of weight, 215lbs so far  , so a lot of feminine features I was getting (breasts, face softening) would be hard for people to penpoint.  But I felt 1 million times better on HRT.  For me, it is a much better life.  I have since come out publicly and live fulltime as a woman.  I had my first FFS surgery a month ago and I have not looked back.  I have lost touch with some friends, but it wasn't a falling out.  It was more about not having very much in common.  I have not lost any family, and I feel like I get treated with dignity and respect everywhere I go these days (and I'm in ultra conservative Texas!!!).  I think when you get to start living the life you have always wanted you put out some sort of energy that just draws people to you.  I cannot explain it better than that.  Coworkers have said that before I began transitioning I was always quiet, reserved, and introverted.  Now they say that I am talkative and outgoing, and that I seem to have a glow to me these days.  That's just my experience, and nobody can say what is right for you other than you.  I truly hope you find the happiness you seek.

At times I am very high on my gender dysphoria scale or moments.
I feel like what in the world am I doing putting off the next steps for my MTF transformation?
I cannot stand the remnants of my maleness at these times.

For the most part I simply enjoy each day and the extent of living as a female, no Op; but, I like it.  I enjoy working as a female and having only minor issues.  Yes, I still have my male legal name but I can be myself professionally and socially, except in just a few situations where faux maleness is wise.

There is some gender incongruity with having pleasure and giving pleasure with the male parts as I am a woman.  This incongruity is strong at times but at other times I am glad the parts are still there.  Does that make me a phony MTF transsexual?  Who knows but I am a woman I know that for sure.

Unsure why I am awake and typing at this hour, I should snooze now a bit before getting ready for work.  I guess I just awoke early.

Have a very nice day everyone!


Chrissy

Quote from: Alana1990 on August 24, 2024, 05:38:06 PM@Sephirah, I'm worried I won't be accepted, and will lose all of them.

  What part of "you" do your friends care for?  And I suppose the question is how do you help them see who "you" really are - along with would still they like you if they really knew you?

  Some interesting questions, but don't despair while you attempt to find the answers to them - you have time. And a therapist who may have now returned who can help you consider things.

  Love,  Carolina       

Whew, I remember that phase. Lasted for quite a while for me.

But when I finally got to THE spot where I felt like I had no choice was when I engaged with a therapist for the first time. So you're way ahead of the game in already having someone.

I asked my therapist if she could "fix me" — because of course I thought I was broken (hint? I was not, nor are you, nor is anyone!) but she helped me accept the truth about myself and lose the guilt.

But to address your biggest point? Yes, I was TERRIFIED of losing what I had — my wife, our son, other family, friends, etc. TERRIFIED.

I saw it as a binary choice:

A: I could suffer in silence from my dysphoria, but protect and keep all my family and friends or

B: Transition and live authentically as the woman I know I am, at the cost of everyone I love.

One day I realized - what if there was a third?

C: Transition and live authentically, but not only protect and keep all my family and friends, but DEEPEN my relationship with them all because they finally get to know ALL of me?

I got C — because, and this isn't true for everyone but for a lot of people:

"Everything you've ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear."

Always forget who said that, but there's a lot of truth in it.

Whatever you do, I wish you luck and happiness.

Love,
Allie

Do consider gender therapy to help understand what you are experiencing.


Chrissy

Quote from: imallie on September 11, 2024, 04:47:14 AMA: I could suffer in silence from my dysphoria, but protect and keep all my family and friends or

B: Transition and live authentically as the woman I know I am, at the cost of everyone I love.

One day I realized - what if there was a third?

C: Transition and live authentically, but not only protect and keep all my family and friends, but DEEPEN my relationship with them all because they finally get to know ALL of me?

I got C — because, and this isn't true for everyone but for a lot of people:

For me, I got a B+ somewhere between B and C. I did not lose everyone. Some who I expected to be understanding, were not. Some who I thought would certainly leave, stayed.

The important thing to remember is that it is not for you to decide if they will stay or go. That is for them to decide. As Allie pointed out, you can fake it and be miserable, but how will that affect the people you care about? And if you are honest with yourself and them, and they leave... good riddance. Do you really need that negativity in your life?

My brother and I had a difficult time talking because I couldn't tell him what I needed to tell him. I finally had the courage and I told him everything. He said some pretty vile things to me and we haven't spoken since. Now, he is going around behind my back making those same comments. I am glad to have cut him loose. I don't need that crap in my life.

It is hard at first. It hurts that those you love and support do not love and support you the same way. But it is not the end of the world. I have made many new friends, some of whom are closer to me than my own family. I didn't cause that. Their refusal to accept ME caused that. It is their decision to make.

Be honest with them. Give them time to process and adjust. Help them understand. Then let them decide if they will accept you or not. In situations like this, people will show you their true colors. Be brave enough to see those people for who they really are.
 

Quote from: Carolina on September 10, 2024, 11:11:13 PMWhat part of "you" do your friends care for?  And I suppose the question is how do you help them see who "you" really are - along with would still they like you if they really knew you?

  Some interesting questions, but don't despair while you attempt to find the answers to them - you have time. And a therapist who may have now returned who can help you consider things.

  Love,  Carolina       

I'm anxiously waiting to talk to her in a few days. I've been struggling mightly the last week. I'm very sad, and unhappy.

Quote from: brie1978 on September 04, 2024, 06:04:38 PMHi Alana.  I think I know how you are feeling, or I have at least experienced some of what you are going through.  Everybody's experience is their own.  My therapist was a huge help.  We had sessions for a year before I began HRT.  Something she said that struck me was that there is no one or right way to transition.  You can transition as much or as little as you would like.  You can come out to some people, come out to everyone, or come out to nobody if you chose.  You do not owe anyone anything in that regard.  You can transition secretly, socially, medically, through surgery, all the above, or none of the above.  There is no rule book.  For me, I took slow deliberate steps.  I started with therapy.  It helped me wrap my mind around it and come to terms with the fact that "yes I was trans, and would probably be happier not running from it".  I first came out to my wife, and similar to Jessica's experience, she has been extremely supportive.  We are the happiest we have ever been.  A year or so in, I began HRT.  About 6 months later I told a few very close friends I knew would accept me and keep it on the down-low for me. I was lucky enough to be in the process of losing a ton of weight, 215lbs so far  , so a lot of feminine features I was getting (breasts, face softening) would be hard for people to penpoint.  But I felt 1 million times better on HRT.  For me, it is a much better life.  I have since come out publicly and live fulltime as a woman.  I had my first FFS surgery a month ago and I have not looked back.  I have lost touch with some friends, but it wasn't a falling out.  It was more about not having very much in common.  I have not lost any family, and I feel like I get treated with dignity and respect everywhere I go these days (and I'm in ultra conservative Texas!!!).  I think when you get to start living the life you have always wanted you put out some sort of energy that just draws people to you.  I cannot explain it better than that.  Coworkers have said that before I began transitioning I was always quiet, reserved, and introverted.  Now they say that I am talkative and outgoing, and that I seem to have a glow to me these days.  That's just my experience, and nobody can say what is right for you other than you.  I truly hope you find the happiness you seek.

I'm not 100 percent sure what I want. A full transition, and living as a woman isn't something I want. A slightly more feminine body/appearance? I would take that over anything.

Quote from: brie1978 on September 04, 2024, 06:04:38 PMI was lucky enough to be in the process of losing a ton of weight, 215lbs so far 

Brie, I am so proud of your accomplishments.  I know that the "girl change thing" is BIG, but the Weight Loss?  How fantastic.  You go girl!

  Carolina

Quote from: Alana1990 on September 16, 2024, 07:14:09 PMI'm anxiously waiting to talk to her in a few days. I've been struggling mightly the last week. I'm very sad, and unhappy.

*gives you a big hug*

What's going on, sweetie? Maybe talking about it here might help until you see her again? At the very least a problem shared is a problem halved, okay?

You're not alone, Alana. <3 If you don't feel you want to talk about it here, feel free to shoot me a PM whenever, okay? You don't have to deal with stuff by yourself, honey. *extra hugs*

Hi Alana! I'm so sorry you're struggling! This sounds like something a lot of us trans folk go through, and I'm STILL going through myself. But here are a few things that helped me change my perspective, and maybe they can help you, too!

First, I want to acknowledge all the wonderful wisdom in the comments, here. The best advice I've seen is that you will make new family and friends along the way.

I was raised in a very conservative place. I have lots of family that are right wing/conservative/republican/etc that will absolutely not accept me as I am. It's sad, but I've accepted it as my reality. Here's the thing for me, though. Are those the kind of people I want in my life anyway? Sure, they could be nice, awesome, funny, etc, but the people who will try to convince me against following my path, either through fear/domination/faux "worry for my soul," are not the kind of people I want to have around me or my kids. Life is so much better when you don't have to worry about walking on eggshells around people. There are 8 BILLION people on this planet, and general attitudes toward trans people in the "average person" demographic are trending upward. It might not seem like it because of the media over-saturation, but think about how many times OFF the internet that you hear people talking about...any of this? If you seek out spaces where people talk politically, or hang around community, sure it can happen, but the VAST majority of people just want to live their life and let you live yours.

My aunt, for instance, is such a hardcore Christian. There are a couple lesbians in our family, and she accepts them and is around them, but many times I've heard her say something to the effect of "love the sinner, hate the sin." and that's just unacceptable to me. That completely invalidates a person's lived experiences. Though I have some good memories with her, I have decided that its best if I don't interact anymore. If I'm ever in the same place with her at the same time by whatever reason, I'll be kind. I will show unending love because that's my new mission in life, but will I choose to be around her? No. And that goes for so many others in my family.

Its sad because I've felt so lonely for so long, and I still basically have no friends, but I'm so excited for the future, and I've learned how to create healthy boundaries so I can find good, healthy friends and just love everyone!