Hi to anyone reading.  I joined to read other MTF transgender life experiences for the goal of helping me through these times.  I have desired to be female from as far back as memories take me..I believe around 3-4. Mom would dress me up complete with wig, underwear, clothes, perfume,  painted nails.  My Dad found out and tried to work me into the boy he wanted. By my freshman year I could pick up the front of a Volkswagen. I had formed a persona and continued until I was about 58. I could no longer continue living a lie. I felt like an actor in my own show when someone was around and then would collapse into depression when alone as I was not who I felt. I have been seeking therapy and came out to my wife of 10 yr. She does not accept me as female but we are hanging together until things are worked out. That is a quick summary and hope to hear from more of you as friendships on this site develop.
My screen name I chose is Louis but my given name is Lee which thankfully is gender neutral.

Hugs to all,
Lee

Hi Lee,

Thank you for that wonderful introduction.

I think you will find that many of us experienced some of the same things as you. The reason we share our stories is to help those who may feel lost and not know where to begin.

As you read the various topics, feel free to add your comments and experiences too.

I look forward to seeing you around the forum.

Lori Dee

Hi Louis,

Welcome to Susan's.

A lot of us here are at that latter in life stage and have/are going through similar situations with their significant others.  There's a great wealth of knowledge and experience here.  I hope you find something useful regarding your situation. 

At the very least you'll find a sympathetic ear or two.

Warm Regards,

Paulie.

Hi.

Welcome Lee!


Chrissy

Quote from: Louis on October 23, 2024, 10:09:55 PMI felt like an actor in my own show when someone was around and then would collapse into depression when alone as I was not who I felt. I have been seeking therapy and came out to my wife of 10 yr.

That's a fantastic description of how almost all of us have felt at some point along the way, Louis! It's so difficult coming out when you are in an established relationship but there are many members who have done that and got through it one way or another, so there's a bunch of experience to draw on there. A lot of people find themselves in the same VW lifting situation where we've fought hard to put up a good act as the gender we are not, so there's stuff to share about that too. Just coming to terms with being trans is a big step, well done, be comfortable with it.

Welcome Lee,
  I also started a little late in life at 60. Did power lifting during my younger years. Had a tough guy façade that I tried to maintain. Now I embrace my femininity and have transitioned into who I have been my whole life. My wife of 37 years does not understand why I needed to do this but has stuck with me and now thinks of me as her sister.
  I look forward to hearing more of your journey and remember we are here to help each other.

Gina P. Thank you for your words. I would also like to read through your story.  We are all different lives but we share a common trait that we need to hod as unique and beautiful,, never scorned.

Many hugs,
Louis

My therapist offered insight that we live in a male dominant country. Women portray male actions and wear clothes typically considered masculine and that is okay.  Like the adage:  imitating is a form of complimenting. When my more feminine self comes out or I dress feminine it is considered an insult and weak. Not sure if I explained this the same way she did.....

Interesting.... I am really struggling with coming out to others.  Scared to start hormones but I want to so bad. Have a family Doc apt in Feb to discuss. Scares me but seems like forever.

Many hugs,
Lee

Quote from: Louis on October 29, 2024, 06:50:42 PMInteresting.... I am really struggling with coming out to others.  Scared to start hormones but I want to so bad. Have a family Doc apt in Feb to discuss. Scares me but seems like forever.

You have plenty of time to think about who you want to tell and who doesn't need to know. Nobody tattooed your forehead, so if you don't tell them, they are only guessing. Some people you will want to tell. Others, it is none of their business.

I will tell you what they told me at the start of hormone treatment. At first, they only gave me a thirty-day supply. It was just a test to see how I felt taking them, how my body reacted to the change in hormone levels, and how well I adjusted. They said if at any time during that first thirty days, you feel like something is not right, moody, depression, suicidal thoughts, anything at all, STOP taking them immediately. Nothing much happens physically in the first month. If everything feels ok, then they renew the prescription.

I felt great so they renewed it for 90 days. We checked my labs again and with no ill effects, I was ready for more. The doctor then warned me that another 90-day prescription would make over 6 months on HRT. After 6 months, the physical changes start happening and become permanent.

So you have six months of testing it out to see if it works for you. If you don't like how you feel or are not comfortable with your body changes, stop and talk to your doctor right away. But if everything feels good and you are happy, then buckle up and enjoy the ride. Then you can decide who to tell and who doesn't need to know. It is a slow process, but exciting too. Sometimes scary, but mostly wonderful.

In the meantime, start thinking about questions you want to ask your doctor. Make a list. You cannot have too much information. This is your life and your health, so do some research and ask lots of questions. We are here if you need us.

Lori Dee

Transitioning is never to be taken lightly. 
Ask lots of questions.  Become very knowledgeable about how it may impact you.

Chrissy

   When I started HRT I was so scared to let anyone in on my secrete. I jumped right to the Endo without a referral from my doc. The first appt. was 6 months out, so I went to Plume on line. They did a quick virtual interview and gave me a prescription. When my endo appointment came up I asked a bunch of questions about how long I would be able to hide the effects. She was not kind and said she would not have never given me a prescription because she didn't feel I was serious but since I was already on hrt she would continue it. 
  Fast forward over 2 years and I have had my bottom surgery and some ffs. The best decision I ever made. Now I can LIVE a life I never had. People have been very kind and understanding, which I think was my biggest fear.
   You have lots of time for self reflection. Follow your heart and not the media. I would suggest finding a support group to meet with. This can be a big help. Susan's is a great place to start but in person is amazing. Good luck and enjoy the ride.
Gina

Hi MsLeigh

I noticed that you have changed your name to MsLeigh.  Congratulations and remember it's the small things that can make you happy.

If you have read anything about my posts or story, you will notice that I'm the proverbial needle in the haystack or I'm still in the closet.

Before and after I changed my life around, I never have told anyone about me, even doctors and even then I will think twice about it.  I suppose it is just me a very quite, private person and shy person (not so much now).

By staying quiet about my past, I've avoided the consequences that can sometimes follow when someone reveals their true self. On top of that, I am a female nothing more, nothing less and that's how everyone sees me. There's no way I'm going around with the word trans branded on my forehead.

My family knows about me and they accept and love me unconditionally.  However I did not tell them myself, it was my uncle that knew about me, who told them under duress.

So I guess what I'm trying to say to you, take your time in coming out, if that is what you want.  Make a list of who would accept and not and go from there.  I would suggest you read Allie's Blog IV: Revenge of Allie's Blog on how she approached coming out to friends and family.

There are things that you can do in the mean time like remove your face and body hair and of course start taking HRT as Lori mentioned it will take about 6 months before the breast development to start showing.  But only if that is what you want to do.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@MsLeigh

Quote from: MsLeigh on October 29, 2024, 06:50:42 PMWhen my more feminine self comes out or I dress feminine it is considered an insult and weak

To which it might be worth asking, 'By whom?' Very often, because of the way we are brought up, we are on our own cases about allowing our feminine selves out to play, because of having absorbed masculine scripts as we've grown up. Others often adapt to our allowing a feminine side out better than we do, and while there are some others who will struggle, very often the person who takes the most convincing that what we are doing is okay is us. If you find a part of you is reacting against you having a feminine expression, dismantling that reaction early on is one of the most valuable things you can do.

Quote from: TanyaG on October 31, 2024, 10:03:57 AMTo which it might be worth asking, 'By whom?' Very often, because of the way we are brought up, we are on our own cases about allowing our feminine selves out to play, because of having absorbed masculine scripts as we've grown up. Others often adapt to our allowing a feminine side out better than we do, and while there are some others who will struggle, very often the person who takes the most convincing that what we are doing is okay is us. If you find a part of you is reacting against you having a feminine expression, dismantling that reaction early on is one of the most valuable things you can do.

Thank you for the challenge. Often I criticize myself. All the years spent in my male circle of friends I heard many jeers, insults, and jokes. This is something I need to shake off and be myself.

I recently listed to a podcast on judgement. We are all judged wether we do something or not so we need to decide what we stand for and then proceed to live.

Thanks Again
Leigh

Sarah B

Thank you for responding. I am starting to put my future plans together and I believe the plans will be unique to me. I want to live as myself and no longer the way I think others "perceive " me..I love the variety of contacts I have been making here as it feeds into my plan creations. One of my mottos is that my riches don't ly in the number of dollars I hold in my hand but rather the number of people I  hold in my heart.

Love and hugs
Leigh

Notice to readers:

        The member's original username Louis aka: Lee was changed to MsLeigh
 ref:              Changing Your Name on the Forum
  https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,196460.msg2285462.html#msg2285462

Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
The Forum Administrator

Quote from: MsLeigh on October 31, 2024, 10:26:38 AMThank you for the challenge. Often I criticize myself. All the years spent in my male circle of friends I heard many jeers, insults, and jokes. This is something I need to shake off and be mysel

Then you might find reading this useful - almost all of us go through a struggle trying to deal with how we've been brought up to think about gender expression. Only by being comfortable with our own 'inner critic' does it become easier to deal with others. After all, we only have to live with them some of the time, while we have to live with ourselves all of the time :-)

Quote from: TanyaG on November 01, 2024, 09:15:50 AMThen you might find reading this useful -After all, we only have to live with them some of the time, while we have to live with ourselves all of the time :-)

Thanks for direction. I'm taking this directly to my brain and heart.  It takes a bit of effort to self reflect.  Kind of like checking the road map once in a while to see if the path we choose is still the one our tires are rolling down.  Need to make small adjustments before getting so far away that the effort to get back becomes overwhelming.

I am struggling with some things right now and I read every reply to fuel my plan.

Hugs,
Leigh

Quote from: MsLeigh on November 02, 2024, 09:07:11 AMIt takes a bit of effort to self reflect.  Kind of like checking the road map once in a while to see if the path we choose is still the one our tires are rolling down.  Need to make small adjustments before getting so far away that the effort to get back becomes overwhelming.

It takes a bit of concentrated effort to get past what years of conditioning and conforming to one gender has built into us and swing it around to a new path. A bit like turning a supertanker mid ocean, but the prize is once you can identify where you are on your own case, then you can flip it and take two steps forward, not just one :-)

Welcome Aboard Sister!

Your experience mirrors many here!... We each have our own unique path but, share many common threads and touchstones along the way... One of my those that you have reached is a tipping point of sorts where all your worst fears about showing yourself to the world are no longer as bad as the thought of hiding any longer!

Many of us, like you, don't hit that point in life until our 50s... I was 52 when I realized transition was the only path in life that could lead to anywhere that really mattered to me. My life is now an amazing and wonderful gift and I want that for you too... let us know how to help you and your concerns as you continue to move forward... All challenges can be met...  all hurdles can be cleared... and a life that finally serves the true self can be built! You will see this is true as you read more of our stories around here! All good things to you Leigh!


Onward We Go Brave Sister!

Ashley 💕