Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 06, 2024, 05:25:44 PMBut I did not know how much gender dysphoria can affect all aspects of one's life and relationships.

It depends on your dysphoria, but the more intense it is, the more it will affect your relationship because of your gender being out of alignment with your sex assigned at birth. As everyone around begins to realign themselves to the reorientated you, they'll start to experience issues around how to respond to you in a different gender.

Wives with a strongly heterosexual orientation and feminine scripts struggle the most, because of the stresses adapting to their changing sexual role. So the other conversation which may come up is about whether she still finds you attractive - don't forget this one works both ways! If your relationship is based on friendship and mutual respect, you should be able to get past that though - best wishes on your journey!

My most recent blood work was back in the beginning of Oct (if I remember correctly around the 11/12th of Oct) not sure why it took so long for them to get my my starting baseline testosterone levels. I had to email them and ask since it wasn't included in the other labs (I had only just started taking Spiro Nov 3rd of 2024)

estrogen level is at 54 pm/ml and the reference range they have for that is 10 to 44

My testosterone levels are:

total test is at 140L normal range is 250-1100.

My free testosterone levels are at 27.9L normal range is 35-155.

So there's my baseline levels for documentation purposes.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 07, 2024, 08:13:35 AMMy most recent blood work was back in the beginning of Oct (if I remember correctly around the 11/12th of Oct) not sure why it took so long for them to get my my starting baseline testosterone levels. I had to email them and ask since it wasn't included in the other labs (I had only just started taking Spiro Nov 3rd of 2024)

estrogen level is at 54 pm/ml and the reference range they have for that is 10 to 44

My testosterone levels are:

total test is at 140L normal range is 250-1100.

My free testosterone levels are at 27.9L normal range is 35-155.

So there's my baseline levels for documentation purposes.

When you say "normal" range, note that those numbers are the normal male range. And, that is your baseline pre-anything starting point.

Quote from: Lori Dee on November 07, 2024, 08:19:23 AMWhen you say "normal" range, note that those numbers are the normal male range. And, that is your baseline pre-anything starting point.

Correct. The paper work gives "normal"ranges for a normal healthy male.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 07, 2024, 08:13:35 AMMy most recent blood work was back in the beginning of Oct (if I remember correctly around the 11/12th of Oct) not sure why it took so long for them to get my my starting baseline testosterone levels. I had to email them and ask since it wasn't included in the other labs (I had only just started taking Spiro Nov 3rd of 2024)

estrogen level is at 54 pm/ml and the reference range they have for that is 10 to 44

My testosterone levels are:

total test is at 140L normal range is 250-1100.

My free testosterone levels are at 27.9L normal range is 35-155.

So there's my baseline levels for documentation purposes.

Your levels are very similar to where mine were at that stage. I also started one medicine at a time. It's to help the doctor see if there are any problems between you and the meds. If you started both on the same day and said "Doc, I'm all itchy." they wouldn't know which drug was doing it.

Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn on November 07, 2024, 12:43:23 PMYour levels are very similar to where mine were at that stage. I also started one medicine at a time. It's to help the doctor see if there are any problems between you and the meds. If you started both on the same day and said "Doc, I'm all itchy." they wouldn't know which drug was doing it.

Hugs, Devlyn

Exactly my thoughts. Luckily I did not break out in hives from this medication lol. I did once before as a child and that's how we found out I was allergic to certain medications lol. Not fun at all

Over the weekend my wife and I had our one year marriage anniversary we decided to go to Southern California to celebrate for the weekend. Is very nice we pretty much just relaxed and sat on the beach all weekend and at the jacuzzi at night.

All in all it was a very nice and happyish weekend for me. I say happy ish because it's hard for me to be present and enjoy the good times when all I'm thinking about is how there won't be many more of these once I transition. And that I'm happy to be in the moment and enjoy the nice weekend with my wife but then at the same time I'm depressed and I feel guilt that I wish I was there as a woman and not a man and I know that all of these thoughts keep me from being 100% present in the moment and I know that my wife had noticed that but I feel like she is slowly realizing that when I'm not present in the moment or when she knows something's up and she asked if everything's okay and I say everything's fine she's slowly learning that things are not fine and that it's related to me wanting to transition.

I definitely didn't bring it up cuz I didn't want to ruin her weekend.

Other than that the weekend was very nice, so nice it almost made me really consider about postponing wanting to transition or thinking or wondering if I could be happy enough to live from these little moments and be okay with it. Usually when I think like that I get sad and depressed real quick and that's usually when my wife picks up on that something's off.

The weekend definitely really made me think twice about wanting to transition and blow my life up as I know it and the lives of my immediate family members as well.

And with everything going on politically and in the government seems like it's a very scary time to transition or even seek out gender reform and care.

A part of me is really worried that because I saw it out gender affirming care through the VA that I'm going to receive a letter in the following months that my disability and all my benefits have been stripped away from me because of whatever Trump's policies might be in the future for transgender individuals. So we will see. Realistically I see the supreme Court shooting down most of everything that Trump is going to try to propose or pass, but it's not any less scary. Not sure what I would do if I lost my benefits because my family and I really depend on it financially just to get by.

Anyways. There's My Little Life update for the time being I hope everyone is doing well.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 12, 2024, 10:24:59 AMA part of me is really worried that because I saw it out gender affirming care through the VA that I'm going to receive a letter in the following months that my disability and all my benefits have been stripped away from me because of whatever Trump's policies might be in the future for transgender individuals. So we will see. Realistically I see the supreme Court shooting down most of everything that Trump is going to try to propose or pass, but it's not any less scary. Not sure what I would do if I lost my benefits because my family and I really depend on it financially just to get by.

You won't lose your benefits.

The worst that will happen is the VA will never change its policy on Gender Affirming Surgery, and will no longer allow "Gender Affirming Care". It is up to the individual VA clinics how they will handle this. My prescription labels no longer read, "For Gender Transition" and now state, "For Hormone Replacement". HRT applies to men and women and is not solely for transition.

I expect that with the things Trump says on his website under Agenda 47, he can shut down our LGBTQ Care Coordinators, but they are not full-time positions anyway. So no one will lose their job over it. The individual VA Clinics do not want to lose any funding, so I expect them to relabel services much like they relabeled my prescriptions. We will see.

My Psychologist is going to have an interesting time during my next appointment. The government is triggering my PTSD, so now what? 

I had my first laser hair removal appointment this past sat. It wasn't bad at all. Super quick. Had my chest and arms done, since I figured those areas would be the easiest to do, and the least painful. The technician also did my stomach area for free. So that was cool. Only a little tender on my lower abdomen and inside of my wrist. That's about it. Curious to see how sensitive/painful my face and Brazilian areas would be. If it's anything like my arms, chest and stomach I may start having them do all four areas each time. We will see. No response from the VA in regards to seeing if they will cover any other areas like back, shoulders, legs, hands, feet, underarms.

VA makes no sense to me. They will cover hair removal so that we can have hair patterns that are more feminine right, but they cover Brazilian (last time I checked most women have pubic hair), and they cover arms (which can be hit or miss on women, but I know there are women that have arm hair depending on ethnicity ) lol. But they don't cover back and shoulders (which last time I checked most women don't have back or shoulder hair). So yea... Either way I'm grateful for anything the VA covers. Sometimes it's just no rhyme or reason as to what and why they cover something.

It can sting around the nose, rest of my face was okay with numbing cream but nose made me wince.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 19, 2024, 10:55:54 AMVA makes no sense to me. They will cover hair removal so that we can have hair patterns that are more feminine right, but they cover Brazilian (last time I checked most women have pubic hair), and they cover arms (which can be hit or miss on women, but I know there are women that have arm hair depending on ethnicity ) lol. But they don't cover back and shoulders (which last time I checked most women don't have back or shoulder hair). So yea... Either way I'm grateful for anything the VA covers. Sometimes it's just no rhyme or reason as to what and why they cover something.

I contacted my LGBTQ Care Coordinator and told her I needed to know how to request reimbursement for medically necessary treatment. Specifically to cover travel, food, lodging, and electrolysis in Phoenix, since (according to them) the VA has no providers. Then I asked her if she had any heart valves in her desk drawer. If I needed a heart valve transplant and none were available would they let me die, or would they send me somewhere to get the procedure done?

It's been two weeks and still no answer. <sigh>

Quote from: davina61 on November 19, 2024, 12:30:49 PMIt can sting around the nose, rest of my face was okay with numbing cream but nose made me wince.

I bet.

Quote from: Lori Dee on November 19, 2024, 02:18:48 PMI contacted my LGBTQ Care Coordinator and told her I needed to know how to request reimbursement for medically necessary treatment. Specifically to cover travel, food, lodging, and electrolysis in Phoenix, since (according to them) the VA has no providers. Then I asked her if she had any heart valves in her desk drawer. If I needed a heart valve transplant and none were available would they let me die, or would they send me somewhere to get the procedure done?

It's been two weeks and still no answer. <sigh>

Not sure what would be better, emailing them once a week or once a day till you get the answers you want lol

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 19, 2024, 03:35:24 PMNot sure what would be better, emailing them once a week or once a day till you get the answers you want lol

I could use Secure Messaging and fill their inbox. 

Quote from: Lori Dee on November 19, 2024, 05:34:54 PMI could use Secure Messaging and fill their inbox. 

Yea but then I thought that would be easy to just select all and delete. Especially after a reading a few emails that are the same. Lol

Lately I've been kind of struggling. This will be the start of my third week on Spiro. I must say I'm not really sure how to describe it but I feel almost neutered so to speak. Like I'm not really masculine or feminine. Obviously I knew the side effects and that my libido and desire for sexual intercourse would decrease. But I didn't really think it would change how I felt and or my desire to be more feminine I guess probably not the right way to describe it but I don't really know how to express it in words.

Like before I used to always think about transition and being more feminine and underdressing and everything making hypothetical plans trying to think of every possible situation and scenario so that I have a plan to move forward in the future in any case that something unforeseen happened and was acting as an obstacle for me to overcome in my transition.

Now I barely think about it I barely have the urge to under dress or wear feminine things or put my wig on or try to do my makeup or practice feminine mannerisms. I'm just living day to day, barely even thinking about it. And again it makes me feel weary and is causing some doubts as to if I'm on the right path or not.

Almost makes me want to stop for a week or two or however long it takes for my body to get back to normal and see if all the bad returns, see if the gender dysphoria and stress and depression and everything it affects in my life returns or not. I guess the only good thing would be is that if it did return them I know HRT was doing what it was supposed to do and actually helping me.

But I don't plan to stop not yet anyways. I know it would only set me back if I did stop. I've just been telling myself not to make any rash or quick decisions one way or the other. Just got to continue going with the flow and see how I feel day to day. I'm certainly not going to stop until I at least try both estrogen and Spiro at the same time for the trial. Of 2 to 3 months and see how I feel and react before coming to any kind of determination that it's working or not working for me in terms of mental health stability gender dysphoria.

Has anyone felt anything similar to kind of feeling more non-binary than masculine or feminine in the beginning stages of starting HRT? That's probably the best way I can put it is that I kind of feel like a eunuch neither masculine or feminine just in the middle with no desire towards either direction.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 20, 2024, 01:45:59 PMHas anyone felt anything similar to kind of feeling more non-binary than masculine or feminine in the beginning stages of starting HRT? That's probably the best way I can put it is that I kind of feel like a eunuch neither masculine or feminine just in the middle with no desire towards either direction.

Keep in mind that Spiro suppresses the androgen (maleness) part. Without the estrogen part, it makes sense that you would feel sort of in the middle. Once you start the estrogen, then things swing toward the feminine side. It doesn't necessarily drive you to do more feminine things, but when you are doing them, you will enjoy them more than what you experience right now.

I would say that once you start estradiol, you will know within your first 30 days if it is right or wrong for you. If it doesn't feel right, do not feel like you need to continue for a couple of months to be sure. It is best to stop right then and talk to your doctors (including the therapist) to figure out what is happening. It could be that your dose is too low, in which case it would make sense to continue for another month at a higher dose. But if your labs are good and you are not feeling like it is right, then it is time to re-evaluate and see if something else is going on. The therapist can be a huge help if that is the case.

I am happy that you are paying attention to what your body is telling you. Listen to it and it will tell you what you need or don't need.

My wife and I had a talk last night. I expressed that I wanted to start the estrogen and see how it goes.

I feel like we're both in limbo until I start actually trying things and seeing how they help or dont help me. See agreed, but still has her concerns and reservations about her husband taking female hormones (which is completely understandable)

It wasn't a bad conversation at all, calm and collected. Didn't turn into an argument or anything.

It's just difficult as I'm sure you all know and have your own stories and experiences dealing with your spouse/family. Her and I both hate that it's looking like a choice of self discovery and figuring out who I really am and potentially losing her and our family and life (depending on how far I feel I need to transition) or not and just go back in the closet and try to live as close to a "normal" life as we can.

She understands my point of view, and I understand hers. She fully supports me in anything I feel I need to do, but depending on what it is and how far I feel I need to go she will still support me but no longer as my wife, and just a friend. So once again she has pointed out that she can't go on this journey with me as my spouse depending on how far I feel I need to go.

All that being said, after our talk we decided and agreed that the sooner I start estrogen the sooner we will have more of an idea of what direction our future will go.

I will start and take my first dose of estrogen the first week of Dec. I will finish out the month of November on Spiro alone and then add in Spiro sometime during the first week of Dec.

To be continued...

Quote from: Robbyv213 on November 22, 2024, 09:49:57 AMHer and I both hate that it's looking like a choice of self discovery and figuring out who I really am and potentially losing her and our family and life (depending on how far I feel I need to transition) or not

I am so happy that you two can have calm discussions about this. The important thing to remember is that is her decision to stay or go. It is not up to you. The same with family members. It is up to them to try to understand and accept it or not. You must be true to yourself or else you are being dishonest. Think about it, if she decided that she needed to transition to male, how would you feel? Would you be accepting and supportive?

As Gina pointed out in a recent post, she and her spouse were in the same situation as you. Their relationship evolved. They may not live as man and wife anymore but are still close as sisters. All of the stories you have read follow a similar path. At first, it's like "Oh hell no" but love allowed them to explore a bit and see where it would lead. Many are still married even though the relationship evolved into something a little different.

I give your wife and you kudos for taking the time to see how it will go. That is important. She may find that she doesn't mind it as much as she thought she would.

Best of luck!

Yes time will tell. Hopefully our relationship will evolve as we both go through this transition.