Note to moderates. Feel free to communicate with me if I am starting to many topics. 😊

Last night I said goodnight to wifey and told her I loved her. I got into bed and did my usual routine of reading. I am currently reading a Terry Pratchett book 😊

A thought occurred to me. I should try a thought experiment! For one day I am going to accept my diagnosis of gender dysphoria with no questions asked. I am currently in this thought experiment.

I have practiced the buddhist meditation, and used to attend a sangha. I am using the technique of acknowledging a thought when it arrisses as just a thought. This technique I am using for when the thoughts arrise of "No! You do not have this diagnosis!", "This is just a figment of your imagination."

We will see what happens. I am being gentle with myself, loving towards myself, and caring towards myself.

Quote from: treeseeds on December 12, 2024, 09:10:05 AMLast night I said goodnight to wifey and told her I loved her. I got into bed and did my usual routine of reading. I am currently reading a Terry Pratchett book 😊

May you live in interesting times!

QuoteA thought occurred to me. I should try a thought experiment! For one day I am going to accept my diagnosis of gender dysphoria with no questions asked. I am currently in this thought experiment.

I have practiced the buddhist meditation, and used to attend a sangha. I am using the technique of acknowledging a thought when it arrisses as just a thought. This technique I am using for when the thoughts arrise of "No! You do not have this diagnosis!", "This is just a figment of your imagination."

We will see what happens. I am being gentle with myself, loving towards myself, and caring towards myself.

Let us know how you get on with this, honey. I tend to come from a different place. one Buddha would probably intensely dislike, lol. I believe we have thoughts for a reason, and understanding those reasons lead to understanding those thoughts. Like bubbles in a body of water. They come from somewhere. Finding that somewhere is the key to understanding the bubbles. I feel like those negative thoughts you have come from somewhere, maybe somewhere you don't understand. You have a mental leak and can't find the source.

Thought experiment results

0600hrs-wake up. I have decided that I am not trans or have gender dysphoria.

0830hrs-I arrive at work. Dysphoria starting to kick in! Feeling depressed and sad. Acknowledging my thoughts and feelings and letting them go.

1030hrs-I accept gender dysphoria. I realize that it is something that I need to work through.

1400hrs-feeling depressed and suicidal about it. I know that these are just thoughts. I sit with these feelings and they pass. I still understand that my diagnosis is something that I need to deal with.

1800hrs-I am at my daughters school function and I see a very attractive woman and I want to be her. I feel incredibly sad.

1900hrs-2200hrs-I feel exhausted and angry with myself. I feel frustrated that nothing is resolved.

Other thoughts that came up
-I look at my body and feel a disconnect between what I feel and see.
-I am not wanting to do anything.
-I decide that I would rather suffer with this my entire life then go through the agony and suffering in trying to explain to people who I really am.

2209hrs-currently completing this posting and feeling tired. I don't want to go through this anymore and I know at some point I will need to make some sort of resolution or have some sort of understanding on how to move forward. I fully acknowledge that this is a process and I need to work through this.

Final thought
-I feel incredibly alone and I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. As a matter of fact now that I look back at my day. I feel like I have been alone with this my entire life.

I am safe and have no plans for self harm.

Quote from: treeseeds on December 12, 2024, 10:12:57 PMFinal thought
-I feel incredibly alone and I just want to curl up into a ball and cry. As a matter of fact now that I look back at my day. I feel like I have been alone with this my entire life.

I know these feelings all too well, and I imagine many others reading this can relate. Just remember, even when it feels like you're alone, you're truly not.

QuoteI am safe and have no plans for self harm.

Are you sure? Remember, gender dysphoria is not yet fully understood, so don't hesitate to reach out to your support team for guidance and help.

Sorry if I sound like a broken record but every time I wake up in the morning I deny that I am transgendered and I am thankful that I never did transition.

Perhaps this is where I am on the spectrum. Clearly there's a reason why I think this, and I do plan on talking to my therapist about it.

Maybe I present as a man but there's certain female characteristics that I present. I am going to sit with this and ponder it. I am going to use my non-judgemental mind and just be thankful that I have the ability to ponder it. We will see what happens!

Quote from: Lilis on December 13, 2024, 02:22:19 AMI know these feelings all too well, and I imagine many others reading this can relate. Just remember, even when it feels like you're alone, you're truly not.
Are you sure? Remember, gender dysphoria is not yet fully understood, so don't hesitate to reach out to your support team for guidance and help.

Yes! Very true! I need to keep this in mind. I live in Canada and there's a suicide hotline that I use often. I use it by texting so even if I am at work it just looks like I am texting with a friend.

What in the heck is happening to me!

Hopefully someone can give me some insight.

As I said in a previous post is that I am pondering the possibility that I might be a masculine presenting person with feminine traits. I will be honest and say that I don't feel any stress over this, I am just sitting with this thought and exploring it.

However, for the last three days I have been jolted by the thought that I don't have a female body but it feels like I should!

I will be sitting or walking and my body feels feminine. I then get jolted with the realization that this isn't the case! My body looks like a man's body. But it feels wrong to have a man's body.

So. In a nut shell this is what is happening. My mind is processing the idea that I might be a man with female traits. Yet, my body feels wrong to me, that it should look and feel female. However, my mind feels comfortable with the idea that I might be masculine with feminine traits.

This is so confusing...

On top of everything, tonight is my work holiday party. All of the ladies are dressed up and look gorgeous! I feel odd looking at them and feeling like I am missing out. I came to the party wearing jeans, hiking boots and a hoodie 🤣😑🫤😩🤣😔 I'll just leave it at that.

Quote from: treeseeds on December 13, 2024, 05:15:17 PMHowever, for the last three days I have been jolted by the thought that I don't have a female body but it feels like I should!

I will be sitting or walking and my body feels feminine. I then get jolted with the realization that this isn't the case! My body looks like a man's body. But it feels wrong to have a man's body.

This is the definition of gender dysphoria. How you handle it is for you to decide. Definitely discuss this in therapy and get further insights into this condition.

A session with a competent gender therapist may bring clarity for you of your situation.

I wish you very good results of any such discussion.


Chrissy

I have no plans for self-harm, I am safe.

Why am I going through this? Why is the mind feeling like this? Why does my body feel wrong? Someone please tell me why I am like this! 😥

I am exhausted.

Mornings-"thank God I never did anything when I was younger."

Afternoon-"perhaps I am on the spectrum somewhere."

Evenings-"I hate my body and how it looks and feels!"

Nighttime-"I really don't think I can do another day of this!"

This is the pattern day after day, after day, and so on and so forth.

I can't do this anymore. Why is my mind torturing me?!

I just want to be like every other person....I don't want to feel like this anymore....I didn't choose this....I want to get rid of it....get rid of these thoughts, feelings, and desires. I am done! I have had enough! I surrender. I surrender to the fact that nothing will change, I will feel like this my whole life. I might as well find a way of coping with it.

Yes! That is the answer! I will find a way of coping with it!

Yet....I sit here typing these things out knowing that I will do nothing. Just sit and languish. Because I have to much fear...I just can't do it. Just can't.

As @Lori Dee said, what you are experiencing is the definition of gender dysphoria.  The fear is preventing you from doing anything about it.

I won't tell you what you must do.  It is up to you to decide that.  But because the dysphoria and fear are pulling you in opposite directions, it seems to me that you will need help to resolve the conflict.

So I will tell you one thing you should do: talk to your therapist about this.  It is possible to overcome (or at least reduce) fear, and it is possible to overcome (or at least reduce) dysphoria.  Your therapist should be able to help you find ways to do one or the other or both.

Quote from: treeseeds on December 14, 2024, 06:22:11 PMWhy am I going through this? Why is the mind feeling like this? Why does my body feel wrong? Someone please tell me why I am like this! 😥
.....
Yes! That is the answer! I will find a way of coping with it!

I will echo the thoughts of others, what you are describing sounds really like gender dysphoria. And I also know how hard it is to accept one's own reality. For me after years of painful struggle, I finally started seeing an experienced gender therapist who asked me if I thought I had gender dysphoria. I said, very firmly, no. And then I followed it up really quickly with, um what is gender dysphoria? She described her thoughts on the matter, and I said, well yeah, but everyone thinks those thoughts. Everyone feels that same way at one time or other. Which was when she kindly explained that no most people don't have those same thoughts about their bodies and their gender, but generally most transgender people do. That's kind of when I started to take this whole thing seriously.

I know it is scary. I know it is hard. I know that its not the right thing for everybody. But I'm happy that I stopped fighting myself and just accepted who I am and started to work with it. It's much easier to ride the waves than to get continually pummeled by them while I think I'm keeping myself safe by sitting on the shoreline.

Quote from: Nadine Spirit on December 16, 2024, 12:20:11 PMI will echo the thoughts of others, what you are describing sounds really like gender dysphoria. And I also know how hard it is to accept one's own reality. For me after years of painful struggle, I finally started seeing an experienced gender therapist who asked me if I thought I had gender dysphoria. I said, very firmly, no. And then I followed it up really quickly with, um what is gender dysphoria? She described her thoughts on the matter, and I said, well yeah, but everyone thinks those thoughts. Everyone feels that same way at one time or other. Which was when she kindly explained that no most people don't have those same thoughts about their bodies and their gender, but generally most transgender people do. That's kind of when I started to take this whole thing seriously.

I know it is scary. I know it is hard. I know that its not the right thing for everybody. But I'm happy that I stopped fighting myself and just accepted who I am and started to work with it. It's much easier to ride the waves than to get continually pummeled by them while I think I'm keeping myself safe by sitting on the shoreline.

The struggle is constant. I need to get better at self care when I am going through something like this.

I need to stop texting the crisis line! I'm finding it's of no use to me. Sure it's great to chat with someone. But when I'm feeling fine and the conversation ends I find myself backsliding an hour later. This really isn't helping me move forward. It's a constant whirlwind of emotions! I have answers one hour and the next I don't.

FYI-it's the 988 number in Canada which is the suicide crisis line.

I have an appointment with my therapist this Friday. I'm waiting for a call back from the psychiatrists' office to make a follow up appointment. My family doctor is away so once she's back I will go in to see her to discuss my psychiatry report which gave me the diagnosis of gender dysphoria.

Self loathing and fear. What alternatives are there for ending the suffering?

I HAVE NO PLANS FOR SELF-HARM OR SUICIDE. If I do go into crisis I know where to go for help.

Life is beautiful and precious. I believe in life and all the beautiful things in it.

I can't help but feel that this is just a part of my pattern. If I just hang in there this whole thing will be over in a few weeks and my life will be back to normal. I've experienced this same pattern when it came to gender dysphoria before and it ended; I just need to hold onto my sanity till then...lol

Quote from: treeseeds on December 16, 2024, 01:01:50 PMI've experienced this same pattern when it came to gender dysphoria before and it ended;

...Until it came back.   

If this is indeed gender dysphoria (and I agree with the others that it sure sounds like it is), it doesn't go away.  I hope the talks with your therapists go well and lead you towards some resolution.

Quote from: treeseeds on December 16, 2024, 01:01:50 PMSelf loathing and fear. What alternatives are there for ending the suffering?

Most of us here that found an end for the suffering transitioned and are happier for it. If there was an easier way to end the suffering I think many of us would have chosen that path. There is a reason why today's mental health professionals overwhelmingly endorse transition as opposed to teaching us coping strategies to avoid our reality.

Transitioning won't make anyone's life perfect, but it does allow most of us to want to actually live our lives.

I will say without a doubt, continue to seek professional help. I searched and found a therapist who advertised working with gender dysphoria. That was the best thing for me.

Quote from: Nadine Spirit on December 16, 2024, 12:20:11 PMI will echo the thoughts of others, what you are describing sounds really like gender dysphoria. And I also know how hard it is to accept one's own reality. For me after years of painful struggle, I finally started seeing an experienced gender therapist who asked me if I thought I had gender dysphoria. I said, very firmly, no. And then I followed it up really quickly with, um what is gender dysphoria? She described her thoughts on the matter, and I said, well yeah, but everyone thinks those thoughts. Everyone feels that same way at one time or other. Which was when she kindly explained that no most people don't have those same thoughts about their bodies and their gender, but generally most transgender people do. That's kind of when I started to take this whole thing seriously.

I know it is scary. I know it is hard. I know that its not the right thing for everybody. But I'm happy that I stopped fighting myself and just accepted who I am and started to work with it. It's much easier to ride the waves than to get continually pummeled by them while I think I'm keeping myself safe by sitting on the shoreline.

Kelly had a simple writing that is ditto to what I have discovered. I was scared at first too but now I find myself at peace and feeling like I want to live long and live as I myself!!!! I am still presenting as a male but I feel I am living true to myself. As I progress, I will be true to others. Being true and honest is the greatest stress reliever I ever experienced.


I have been trying to post my story for two personal reasons. First reason is personal for me to find strength in others. Friends here chime in and provide real life friendly criticism so I can find my way. The second reason is I think there could be others that have the similar experience and it will help them feel not so alone. I hope to soon put some more notes in MsLeigh's Story.

Leigh

Quote from: Nadine Spirit on December 16, 2024, 02:13:45 PMMost of us here that found an end for the suffering transitioned and are happier for it. If there was an easier way to end the suffering I think many of us would have chosen that path. There is a reason why today's mental health professionals overwhelmingly endorse transition as opposed to teaching us coping strategies to avoid our reality.

Transitioning won't make anyone's life perfect, but it does allow most of us to want to actually live our lives.

Transitioning-this is what terrifies me....

What if I'm ugly?
What if I lose everything?

What if my wife won't love me?

What if I won't love me?

What if no one will love me?

What if my family and my family of origin doesn't understand me and hates me?

What if I regret it?

What if I'm not transgendered and just have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria?


I am soooo sorry everyone....I'm just...talking in circles and tying myself into knots.

Just so everyone is aware I am not using these posts as a replacement for therapy. I have a very good therapist.

Treeseeds,

I know I don't have the answers for you, but I can share with you the wisdom of my experience and knowledge. It reminds me of an age old dilemma that is referenced in the poem, "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost. My journey did take me down the road less taken.

Despite knowing some things about that route going in. It still involved risk that even I really didn't focus on at the time. I knew that in the short term that nothing would really change, but in the long term I really hadn't considered what was in store for me other than being able to transition into my authentic self. One step I started early on was therapy. When I started transiting, I went slow at first to allow those around me time to adjust, before going full speed ahead. One thing this resulted in me needing to do was let my boss know since I knew she would see me out and about and would have questions.

Her response put me at ease early on, but long term I really didn't concern myself with it. Job searching after I got married and was already transitioned was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, but I left my self open to what possibilities were out there and stayed true to myself. That confidence allowed me to shine and succeed and what I put my mind to. Now how I looked was something that I did put time in considering.

Estrogen and make up can do a lot when it comes to our looks. It is true that clothing, hair and the accessories help as well. Over time our looks do soften and we find what style and look works for us. Surgery is often one area many turn to when it comes to how things look. I feel important to mention at this point that safeguards are in place to help lessen the chance that someone who isn't transgender transitions. You will know if it is right for you or not as you go along. Rest assured you won't do any lasting change to your body before you are able to figure out if you are trans or not and if this is right for you or not. So take your time until you are more certain.

I know you are concerned about having gender dysphoria, but not being transgender. As a general rule, if you have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria then you are transgender. Now when it comes to support around us in regards to our being transgender that can differ for each of us. I transitioned when I was away from most family already and I married after transitioning. As far as having a spouse before transition, the results differ greatly. Only you and your spouse can anwser that question.

It is something you both have to be honest with yourselves about and how either of you feel about it may change over time. My spouse transitioned after we were married although I knew that my spouse would eventually transition. We closer to each other now than we were when we got married, but it did take me time to adjust to the change in the relationship. Neither of us lost family, but some restrictions were placed on my spouse at first by family where we live. At the end of the day, it really comes down to how much the responses of those around you matter and what choices you make as a result of that. Some will leave everyone in the dust and start a new while others only transition to a point for different reasons depending on what they need at the end of the day.

Only you can determine what is right for you, but that is also where therapy comes in to help you work threw concerns that come up as you move along regardless of what choices you make at the end of the day. Don't be sorry, there is nothing wrong about have questions like these. It's completely normal to have questions like these and others as you move along. Anyways I hope that this helps. Hugs

Mariah

Quote from: treeseeds on December 16, 2024, 03:52:57 PMTransitioning-this is what terrifies me....

What if I'm ugly?
What if I lose everything?

What if my wife won't love me?

What if I won't love me?

What if no one will love me?

What if my family and my family of origin doesn't understand me and hates me?

What if I regret it?

What if I'm not transgendered and just have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria?


I am soooo sorry everyone....I'm just...talking in circles and tying myself into knots.

Just so everyone is aware I am not using these posts as a replacement for therapy. I have a very good therapist.

Transitioning is not easy.  At least, it has not been easy for me.  However not transitioning may have been harder still.

I am woman, but I do not roar. 🎶

Chrissy

I think we all, those of us who transition or who consider whether or not to transition, have faced these questions.  I would encourage you not to treat them as rhetorical questions.  Try to actually answer them.  Talk over your answers with your therapists.

Quote from: treeseeds on December 16, 2024, 03:52:57 PMWhat if I'm not transgendered and just have a diagnosis of gender dysphoria?

While some transgender people say they do not experience dysphoria (I'll take their word for it, but I am skeptical), I have never heard of a diagnosis of gender dysphoria in a person who was not transgender.