Random thoughts:
 If the place where I worked changed ownership 4 times, does that mean I worked for 4 different companies? Even though the name changed, management remained the same, and hire date was considered to be from the first owner.
At the church school, one boy insisted that his dad thought his penis was too big when he was born. He invited anybody to come into the restroom with him and see the scar where it had been shortened. I never saw it, but I would guess that it was a circumcision scar.
I worked for 30 years in the same building, It seems like every year they tried to get the cheapest health insurance. This would mean occasionally the health network would change and the family doctor would no longer be in the network. An injury would mean going to a different clinic and there would be no medical records there.

While I had a broken wrist, we had a party at the a beach. Our family doctor was there, and was giving rides in his Delorean. My sister was a medical secretary.

I think I caught another one of my mother's lies. Using ancestry, I found out not all of my dad's siblings had to get married because of a pregnancy. I think she actually said they thought she had to get married like his brothers and sisters.

It was ok for my sisters to have their boyfriends stay overnight, I think my mother would have freaked if I had a boyfriend stay over. I think she would have freaked if she found out I had a boyfriend.
Michelle

My dad was right -- 1+1=3.....1 man plus 1 woman equals a family of 3 unless you have twins.

When I was a teen, I found one of my dad's nudest magazines. The photos were airbrushed, none of the women had any nipples or genitals. They made the Barbie doll look like she was anatomically correct. There was another nudest magazine that I treated as a coloring book. Just now thinking that I colored clothes onto them.
Michelle

Sorry, I keep getting the feeling that I have no right to post anything like that. It might go back to what I was taught about not saying anything bad about anybody.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 06, 2025, 02:16:25 PMSorry, I keep getting the feeling that I have no right to post anything like that. It might go back to what I was taught about not saying anything bad about anybody.
Michelle

Hi, Michelle.

If you are unsure about whether a story should be posted or not, follow the guidelines in the Terms of Service. That will ensure that you are not breaking any rules, but also that you are not unintentionally offending your readers.

If you need a quick refresher course, check it out here:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,2.0.html

It doesn't make sense. I'm deleting my own posts because they violate my own rules. I know about triggers, as it happened to me. Decades ago a story about washing machine wringers triggered nightmares, until I remembered I was the one who got the fingers caught, and I got blamed for putting somebody else's fingers into the wringer, when there was nobody else.

Then there might be that I was told not to report the abuse, because they might decide to punish me for reporting the abuse.

At the moment I need to fill out a questionnaire for psychotherapy. There is a space for listing abuse.

I have a religious background. I was taught that parents are representatives of God, and I must obey my parents. My dad once told my that I should put on women's clothes and go into the women's bathroom to spy on the women. I ask myself if I am going into the women's rest room because he said to, or because I am a transsexual. As for spying on the women, the cubicles make that very difficult.
You could say that I am a gay male, and I would be more afraid of a guy thinking I was checking him out, while in the men's rest room.
I wonder if it might have been the lecture about being gay while at the church school. Something about me not having the proper receptacle to receive a male.
Michelle 
 

I found a couple of slips from a pharmacy. They are for Ciprofloxacin, prescribed for an urinary tract infection. Looking at the list of side effects, and then seeing the word irreversible. One side effect is an abnormal heart rhythm. Is that the same as an abnormal heartbeat. It doesn't matter, my abnormal heartbeat is pre-Cipro. I think I can safely assume that the ECG(EKG) and x-ray back in 1993, was because a new doctor heard my abnormal heartbeat. A recent doctor said they can hear it with the stethoscope and the results of a recent EKG are in my records. Anyway back in 1993 I was told that I did not have an enlarged heart, but I did have a spot on my lung.
When the Ciprofloxacin was done, I was very concerned that some side effects were not going away.

In 2005, I was again at a new doctor, with a urinary tract infection. Naturally they need to run a lot of tests. My cholesterol and sugar were on the high side of normal. It may have been because I was not told to fast. The doctor was very insistent that I need to talk to a nutritionist. Another thing was a high PSA level, and the doctor insisting I get a biopsy. The result being false positive, but inflammation.
I insisted on thyroid and testosterone test. both come back normal, although the testosterone can be considered low normal. 375 instead of 1000. The fact that I requested the testosterone test shows that I already have problems with ED. I have a panic attack in the doctors office and get prescribed a medicine with a side effect that may lower my testosterone even more. Never mind the ED, I now have medication that blocks orgasms.
I need to check something. I wonder if my timeline would show that there might be a connection between the medication and revealing my female self at work. Something like lowering the testosterone would make me feel more feminine, and needing affirmation.
MIchelle   

Edit: The name of the panic attack  medication was Paroxetine.

 Receipt for shot glass labeled Michelle's Bar dated Sept 01, 2003. I need to explain this. This was on my way to Brainerd MN., I stopped at a novelty store called Treasure City.

On the west side of Brainerd was Paul Bunyan Center. I may have been about 13 years old when we went there the first time. Sept 01, 2003 was labor day weekend, and the last time this park would be open. From what I understand, one person bought everything and moved it all to the east side of Brainerd. I haven't been to the new place yet, but I doubt if it is laid out the same as the old place.
Michelle

I have one form almost filled out. Almost like a work resume, but more. Employment history, education history, medical history, abuse history. parents education history, parents medical history, siblings medical history.

list prior psychiatric treatment, name, clinic, address, diagnosis, outcome. I think I read someplace that someone gathered up all the therapy information only to have the new therapist ignore everything and start from scratch.

It's been right in front of me the whole time. I think that if I decide at some future date that I want breast augmentation, I need to prove that I have been on estrogen, and I am at full breast growth.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 07, 2025, 09:23:40 PMI think I read someplace that someone gathered up all the therapy information only to have the new therapist ignore everything and start from scratch.

That happened to me. I gave the old therapist a release waiver to send his notes to my VA Psychologist. He never read them. He told me that he didn't want to be influenced by someone else's opinion. He wanted to do his own evaluation. I am glad he did it that way. He confirmed what previous therapists had said, but he came to his own conclusion.

There was a release form that I downloaded, and I'm not going to bother with filling it out. I talked to one place and as far as they were concerned, if the record wasn't in the computer, then it did not exist. If it is in the computer, then it is in MyChart. I have 3 different MyChart accounts linked. I haven't figured out how to link to the VA yet.
I talked to someone about the chiropractic records. Since the place was permanently closed, any x-rays were sent to a place in Minneapolis for disposal, paper records sent for recycling.
I think it has been a couple decades ago that a clinic told me they would have to have someone find my records in a filing cabinet and make copies of my records, and I would have to pay a fee.
Then there is clinics and hospitals that have moved to new locations, under new management, Clinic and Hospital changed name, accounts closed due to no activity (haven't been to those places in over 30 years.)

Short version, the records no longer exist.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 08, 2025, 01:28:28 PMIf it is in the computer, then it is in MyChart. I have 3 different MyChart accounts linked. I haven't figured out how to link to the VA yet.

You don't need to worry about this. The VA has access to MyChart records if the provider is a part of the Care in the Community Network. If not, you can grant access to MyChart by signing a simple form. The VA can help you with that.

I used the word resume. Spell check showed it was spelled wrong, and couldn't give me the right spelling. I will go to Google and do a search, Google usually corrects the spelling. Google and You Tube are connected, and so far I have been getting resume ads on every You Tube video I watch.

A couple of weeks ago I looked up the address and phone number for Victoria's Secret, and got a lot of Victoria's Secret ads. I'm still getting bra ads from other companies.

Seeing ads for black girl vitamins, and thinking about the Spanish ads, I was wondering what kind of profile Google had on me. Just thinking about how searching for a kilt video ends up with dozens recommended.
I think the ads for black girl vitamins can be classed as just a vitamin ad, not that Google thinks I'm black, although I do watch a lot of videos made by blacks.

I'm kind of wondering if I could make Google go crazy, by searching for things that counteract each other. Such as clothing for tall girls and clothing for short men.
I could just use a different search engine, and then Google could not update their profile.
Michelle

I had a strange dream. Through out the whole dream I have a bottle of beer in my hand. First going round and round in the back of a car. I hear a young boy say "I love you." We stop and I get out and walk over. An older man says, "He really does love you." Next I am at a restroom. I push the door open, and look inside. There are men in there. I look down at myself, I can't go in there looking like this.(Very feminine.) I back away and close the door. Next I am looking around a corner, there are some people waiting to go back to work. I still have the bottle of beer in my hand. I can't be seen with a bottle of beer, I dig a hole and bury the bottle of beer. I then rejoin my friends. The dream ends.

As a child I once said to my dad, "I love you." His response was, "You don't know how to love. You don't deserve to be loved." This is causing me to have great thoughts. He said it, not the exact words, but in a round about way."I don't believe you are my child." My mother once told me, in statement my dad did not say to her, our child, but instead said your child. Ancestry DNA has told me that my cousins are my cousins, proving he is my biological father. On the other hand, my dad's so called precious daughter may actually be the daughter of his business partner.(the partner who sexually abused me.)

The restroom: The idea of not being manly enough. To actually have a beard as a flag to say I am a male, I belong in here. Then comes a point that a female on testosterone can grow a better beard than me. When the janitor in the men's restroom tells me I should use the unisex restroom, I wonder, did he think I am a female on testosterone.

The beer bottle: I guess it could be said that the constant bottle in hand could be the self pity. My dad rarely was without a beer in his hand. like the drinking songs, a tear in my beer. I don't know how many times my dad said he wasn't loved because they wanted a girl. Because of his self pity he could not see the love. (whether the love was from his parents or his own child.)

Bury the bottle: I don't need the alcohol or other drugs as a crutch to deaden the pain of self pity. But was it something else, continuing abuse not allowing me to live my own life, fear of what she would do if I did not drive her to her boyfriends house. If I did not obey her.
Michelle

Hi Michelle,

I sometimes have similar dreams, though I'd call them nightmares because I often wake up feeling scared. My therapist says these kinds of dreams are profound and layered with meaning.

I once had a dream where I was running through an empty house, holding a broken mirror. Each room I entered reflected a version of myself I didn't recognize, some childlike, some older, and some different from who I am. In one room, a voice told me I wasn't enough, and in another, I felt like someone was watching me. I woke tossing, turning, and sweating.

My therapist help me understand how the dream might represent struggles with unresolved experiences from my past. Working on those resolutions with him has helped soothe some of the discomfort and improved my sleep over time.

I had to drive 40 miles to put my check in the bank. Plenty of time to think about a lot of stuff.

How did that go again. With my dad, I couldn't get away with anything, even when my sister did it. One time my dad told me to stop trying to get my sister in trouble doing this stuff. I wish I could have told him it is working perfectly, she was doing it to get me in trouble.
Some of the stories, my dad's version, I told my sister not to touch the electric fence using reverse psychology, hoping it would kill her. There are a lot of variations,  she fell off the swing, she fell down the ladder.

 The ladder one is interesting, she fell 20 ft. missing the cement wall at the bottom of the ladder, and landing in the middle of the basement steps. She suffered no injuries, but started bawling. Except I saw the whole thing, she climbed safely down and let out her scream. I was told to keep my mouth shut, and part of my punishment, was not allowed to go to the attic at the top of the ladder.
 One time I was in the doorway of the house when my sister pushed me. I fell backwards onto a broken power line insulator. I'm not to tell the story because it never happened. Mother's story is I slipped and fell.

As a teenager when I was sleeping and needed to use the bathroom, I would dream I entered the girls bathroom. With the girls there, I could not get to the toilet. I would then wake up and head to the real bathroom. I assumed it was something my brain had come up with to prevent me from wetting the bed.
years later I didn't have anything to stop me, and I dreamed I was peeing, I woke up quick but was dry. I thought that was interesting, I can dream I am peeing without wetting the bed.
Kind of a twist of the dreaming your a girl question.
Michelle

Michelle,

I am sorry to hear about your experience with your sister. My experience was different with my two younger sisters, in fact, they stood by me when I had to confront my older brother. I'm not sure if it was a cultural thing at the time, but my father sounds similar to yours when it came to protecting the afab.

My older brother hasn't changed, even to this day. My two sisters are still by my side, though, which I'm grateful for. He's a mean conservative Republican, and his behavior was like that long before Donald Trump became president, so I can't blame Trump's influence for the way he is, it's just who he's always been. I already came out to my sisters, and both are accepting and understanding as long that I am happy with my decision, but I can only imagine how he'll react when I come out to him and share that I'm transgender, currently in the process of medically transitioning, and planning to socially transition later this year.

I hope things have changed and are better with you and your sister.

I think I mentioned it before. When I was 2 years old, a sister was born. I guess it could be called a birth defect, and she got phenomena with her first breath. Born in a farmhouse in December, she needs to be taken to the hospital. She lived for 24 hours.
There might be an idea with my dad that if I got my jacket on faster, she would have gotten to the hospital sooner and she would have survived. The truth being with a missing roof of the mouth, even if she was born in the hospital she still would have died. This is a country hospital in 1952.
I don't know what was going through my dad's head, if he thought that I was intentionally delaying the trip to the hospital so that she would die. A few years later he would tell me that if she would have lived, she would have gotten the necessary operations and I would be sleeping in the barn where I belonged. Another one was I didn't deserve to sleep under the same roof as my sister, but since he was such a nice guy, he would allow it.

My dad's business partnership was that they would work repairing cars on the farm.
It seems my dad had a problem accepting my sister's death. possibly to the point that any child of his could not have a birth defect. In case you are wondering My mother told me about how my dad was running around trying to find answers. At one point he even wanted to divorce my mother and marry her sister.
My mother also told me how her dad would come over and chase the business partner off the farm while my dad was away. There was once where her dad came over only to discover it was her brother that was there.

Then there is a rumor that my mother ran off with the business partner, and my dad went after her, leaving me with my uncle. (just a strange thought, a sexually abused 3 year old left with a stranger.) It makes me wonder what the truth is. My mother's story is my parents left together on the vacation trip. And make sure the trip is long enough that it proved my dad is the father of my sister. And make sure I am silenced so the truth does not slip out.

After my dad's death, my mother went on a camping trip to another state. She met a guy there, and later he came to our farm. It was the business partner. That means she went to him on the camping trip. The question is how did she know where he lived. The same night he gets here, they are sharing a bed. That is when the headaches started, it would be years later that the headaches end when I finally know he abused me.
Michelle

A Vivid Imagination:

I'm guessing I am 8 years old at the time. Some tv shows are Twilight Zone, Outer Limits, and One Step Beyond. A few shows deal with a person taking on the identity of a person that has died. By this point I have been convinced that I am responsible for my sister's death. One other thing was my mother never put dresses on a boy.
I found the pictures in the cabinet, since she is wearing dresses it must be my sister. She doesn't look like my sisters so she must be the one that died. The problem is I was told that she only lived for 24 hours and this picture shows her standing. Why would they lie about how old she was when she died? What are they trying to cover up? Did they also lie about how she died? Did I actually murder my own sister?

I turn the pictures over, my name is on the back of the pictures. I wonder how my mother could make such a mistake, and put my name on my sister's picture? It isn't possible, my mother would not make that mistake. That means it is me in the picture. I am the girl, I didn't die. That's why I feel like I am a girl. It must have been the boy that died. They must have wanted a boy so bad that they put his genitals on me and turned me into a boy.

As I age, there is nothing to prove the story wrong. I had never shared the story, so there was no discussion. Maybe it was meant to shame, but a teacher saying I run like a girl would reinforce the idea.
I did mention to a therapist that I felt like my sex had changed. His response was that it never happens, and there was no discussion about why I felt that way.
The fact that I would get misgendered as female a lot does nothing to disprove the idea that I am intersex.
Michelle

Had trouble sleeping, too much chest pain. Strange thing the pain went away when I got up. Did I mention I quit smoking about a year ago. I got to a point where I would start coughing when I tried to light my cigarette. A ct lung scan showed that I may have had pneumonia in the past. I wonder if that was my problem about 4 years ago. I couldn't walk half a block without getting chest pains and out of breath. I found that if I walked slower I could go a couple blocks before I was out of breath.That meant I would stop several times on my way to the post office.
One weird thing was on some days I could walk all the way to the post office with no problems, and the next day I would have to stop several times. Figuring out the reason why wasn't difficult, as I had already suspected what was happening. If I ate something like a hot dog and bun before my walk, then I would get chest pains. It it was several hours after eating then there was no chest pain. Even the low level of soy oil in the bun would trigger the pain. I had taken some antihistamine a bit ago, it should be in my system by now, and I should be able to get to sleep.
I suspect I have asthma and soy oil is one trigger. cold is another, and my nose is stuffed up and I need to breath through my mouth.
Michelle