Today I got out of the shower, went to the bedroom and got some socks. My nose started running, and I have a habit of wiping it with my hand. This time I ended up with a red streak on my hand. I headed to the bathroom and grabbed some tissue, While I grabbed the tissue, my nose dripped into the sink. A quick wipe and my nose bleed is over, only three drops in the sink. I think it has been years since the last time. That's the way it has been with me. Maybe I don't remember the times between, because I wipe my nose and it's over.

So much has been considered normal, when it really wasn't. As a child I would loose feelings in my left hand, and even get the pins and needles feeling. Could you imagine riding for miles and miles on a motorcycle, and not feel the handlebar in your hand. For 60 years I have problems with my left hand. It had become normal with me to the point where it is forgotten when I fill out medical forms. Even though I finally got the carpel tunnel release, I still get tingling in my fingers, and I still forget to put it on the medical form. As a child, it was denied that my hand went into the wringer. I may not have been a normal child, so my wrist is damaged. It isn't visible, but I then suffer from carpel tunnel.
Remember, this is my left hand. These problems with the left hand is supposed to indicate a heart problem.
And I do have a heart problem. My deformed ribs cause pressure of my lungs against my heart. The pressure interferes with having a normal heartbeat, my blood pressure is low and my fingers tingle. The carpel tunnel has been taken care of, except now I have a metal brace in both wrists.

A bit of an interruption here. My nose felt stuffed up, so I rubbed it. My nose started bleeding again. I ended up with blood on my hands and on my bathrobe, not so lucky this time. I have paper towels by my computer and can get to the bathroom without dripping on the floors. (Why do I keep thinking time of the month?) I finally get it stopped. The paper towel got put into the garbage can in the kitchen. step on the pedal and the lid opens. back to the bathroom, grab the tissue from out of the sink, and I can't find the pedal for the toilet lid. Then remember there is no pedal. Put the bathrobe in the shower to get the blood out, and it hangs from a broomstick across the top of the shower.


What do you mean by blackouts? When I was a child I would stand up and my vision would go black. I didn't faint, just lost my vision for a few seconds. I think my mother told me that I just got up too fast. What she said just normalized it. The loss of vision became normal because I got up too fast.
I'm now remembering that while in the army in Germany, I got up during the night to go to the bathroom. My vision went black while standing at the urinal. I then try to find my way back to bed while I am blind
Michelle

Sorry, got interrupted by someone from the electric company. They were here to change my meter, so I shut down my computer. Apparently, he changed the meter so fast that the lights didn't even flicker.

A little game I tried when I was younger. It goes like this, close your eyes and visualize your surroundings. Without looking can you visualize anything on the table, and reach and pick it up. We have walked this path before, can we do it while blind. There is an open window at the other end. I bumped the bunk next to the window. I need to turn and walk to my bunk. My vision was back when I got up in the morning.

There is nothing about me having deformed ribs in my medical records, other than a message in MyChart To the doctor. It is assumed that it would be found during the CT lung scan. The technician ignores the rib deformity assuming it is already in my records. There might have been a question about my heart and in the notes it is reported that it looks normal size. There is a cyst reported on a kidney, and lung polyps in both lungs. The doctor says not to worry about the kidney as the cyst is on the outside. The cyst on the kidney shows up in the pelvic MRI, and the urologist wants another look at the kidney.

What I am getting at is the abnormality has been there awhile. The technician assumes it is already noted in my medical records and ignores it. It goes the other way too. It might have been in my records that I have a hernia. The doctor checks me, and it is not serous. The doctor assumes I already know and does not tell me. I find out from the urologist that is doing a biopsy on my prostate that I have double hernia.
All those ads on tv about suing for hernia surgery gone wrong makes me think surgery won't help me.

I learned about the scar tissue on my ear drums from a hearing aid salesman at the county fair. He even showed me on his screen. Not one doctor I have gone to, has mentioned the scars on my ear drums.

What I have to do now, is to go back to the medical form that I am filling out and change some answers to yes.
Michelle

I was watching a video about self checkout. I once heard about a store profiling the customer as they entered the store. I'm now thinking that I got profiled when I entered the store, due to being a feminine looking male. I had no choice when I used the self checkout. Put it this way, you need both hands to count the times I needed assistance. And then he stands there in case it breaks down again.
Could it be that I looked like a female to male transgender with a beard. Now that the beard is gone, I look like a cis female, and I have no problems with the self checkout.
Michelle

Thinking about some stuff. Wondering how it affected me in 6th grade when I tried to sing a song. The music teacher went around recording us separately singing songs. When I tried, it didn't come out right, and I stated that I couldn't get the right tune. The class laughed. later the recording was played back and the laughter was on the tape. The other boys had no problem singing the men's songs.

I never connected it at the time. Same grade and the music teacher is checking for pitch. I am told that I am an alto. Now looking at the internet, I find that is a low female range. That would mean the male vocals are out of my range. Had I tried singing a female vocal, I would have been fine. Except for the embarrassment of a boy singing a girls song.

At the fairgrounds during the summer, I saw a woman singing classic country songs. It was interesting to hear traditional male songs being sung by a woman. They were being sung in a female vocal range.

It gets a bit strange to hear that high pitched voice in this house. And there is some Patsy Cline sing-a-long. Then comes the realization that I have been singing along with the female artists for a long time.
From these boots are made for walking, through girls just want to have fun, to man I feel like a woman.
Michelle

Sorry for not getting back sooner. I expect that after the war, the prisoners would have the tales to tell about the people in the U.S. eating corn.
there are a few types of corn. Sweet corn is what gets canned and cooked for human consumption. Field corn is not sweet and gets ground up for cattle feed and I think also ends up in breakfast cereal.
Field corn is made squeezed into corn oil and fermented into ethanol to add to the gasoline.
Seed corn is bagged up for planting.

I don't know if they now eat corn, but I am guessing that it has been added to their menus.
Michelle

I grew up in the 50s and 60s. My dad insisted it was his radio, so we listened to his music, mostly country music. My mother once said that I would sing along with the radio. That being true, I may have the muscle memory to sing at the proper pitch.

I've collected a lot of CDs with music from the 50s and 60s, and they have been transferred into my computer.
I've now gone through them and put some female artists onto an USB thumb drive. The drive can now be plugged into the USB port in my car and music will be played through the radio. As I was putting the music onto the thumb drive, I would start singing the song I was transferring.
 I did run into a problem with a Patsy Cline folder missing. Or more precisely, a CD went missing and never got transferred into my computer. My sister-in-law decided that since I had another CD of Patsy Cline, she did not have to return the one she borrowed.

I keep thinking of trying a sing-a-long. otherwise known as kaɾaoke. It would be at a bar, I would drive home after dark. Unknown if the songs I want are there. I don't know if SuperDave is at the Buffalo American legion every Friday. That Is still a forty mile drive.
Michelle

My brother-in-law has children from another marriage. Does that make them my nephew-in-law and my niece-in-law? Or are they cousins since their mother is my cousin. They would also be my sister's step children.

I had a smoke detector that decided not to quit beeping, and would not accept new batteries. I looked up a new one on the internet and picked what I wanted. I failed to check the location within the store. I wandered up and down aisles from one end of the store to the other. Finally one last place to look. Found it, not to mention once found you stop looking. At the checkout, I had trouble with the plastic bag, and it was nice to hear. "let me help you with that bag ma'am."

While at the grocery store, I checked the pickles. I found that a different brand did not have the offending chemical. I should be fine if I drink that pickle juice. I could not find any pickled eggs to check ingredients.  I was thinking that for Easter we used to have deviled eggs that were red on the outside. I don't recall if my mother made pickled beets and pickled eggs in the same jar, and the eggs got the color from the beet juice.

Now I remember what I wanted to say.
It is not fun using the Women's restroom in some stores. First of all once in the stall, there is barely enough room to close the door. Hopefully the hook is on the door to hang up the purse. It's winter and My jacket goes to my knees. It takes a bit of maneuvering to get my jacket off. Finally, I can get my pants down and sit on the toilet. Somebody decided to save money by making the toilets shorter and smaller. When done get up and check if it is automatic or needs a lever pushed. Still cramped quarters to put my jacket back on. Finally wash my hands and And there is only an air drier. My hands are still wet and finish drying them on my jeans. I need a drink and find the water fountain. I push the button on the fountain and the stream lands in the fountain beside it. I do manage to get a drink.
Michelle

Edit: The whole time in the Women's restroom, I am fearful that I might get caught and punished.

There was a story my dad told about the divine intervention that saved his life. He was pushing silage off his farm truck into the auger of the silage blower, when he slipped and fell into the auger. when it happened the tractor threw the belt, and the auger clutch slipped. When the blower stopped, he stepped out of the auger unharmed. All his buddies were amazed at the story. My mother could even confirm the story, as she froze in shock when she saw him fall into the auger.

He never acknowledged the fact that there was another person there that day. Someone who used a silage fork to push the belt off the tractor pulley. Someone who held the auger clutch lever until the blower stopped, and then turned the blower backwards to turn the auger backwards to release his dad's foot. Someone who heard the story and believed he did nothing because there was no thank you.
Michelle

At the age of 18, I was working in the barn when the handle of the hay fork hit the lever releasing the door to the hay mow. The angle iron on the edge of the door hit the top of my head. It was near Christmas, that night I ran away from home.

I think it was two weeks later that I got back home. The next morning my dad took me to the doctor where I was checked out. Would a concussion be evident 2 weeks after? Next we went to the courthouse. In the courtroom, the judge, sheriff, and a social worker were there. The judge had asked if maybe a name change might help. Before I could say anything, my dad stated that I would not be changing my name. There was finally a decision to take me to psychiatric therapy in St Cloud. The therapist wanted family therapy but my dad refused, stating that there was nothing wrong with him. I didn't say much because I was afraid my dad would find out anything I said. I think the therapist decided that I was trying to get out of a bad situation. At no time was there any question about where I had been or what I had done during the two weeks. (My dad knew everything and I was paranoid that people were reporting everything about me to him.)

Some years later I tried to get information about my court case. I was informed that because I was 18 at the time the records are sealed. She checked on something and I was informed that there were no records, meaning the was no day in court. Either the whole thing was a sham or it was used as a meeting room.
Either way, I believed that I was court ordered to go to psychiatric therapy.

My dad and the sheriff were personal friends, and the judge was also a friend of the family.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 16, 2025, 10:07:03 PMThere was a story my dad told about the divine intervention that saved his life. He was pushing silage off his farm truck into the auger of the silage blower, when he slipped and fell into the auger. when it happened the tractor threw the belt, and the auger clutch slipped. When the blower stopped, he stepped out of the auger unharmed. All his buddies were amazed at the story. My mother could even confirm the story, as she froze in shock when she saw him fall into the auger.

QuoteHe never acknowledged the fact that there was another person there that day. Someone who used a silage fork to push the belt off the tractor pulley. Someone who held the auger clutch lever until the blower stopped, and then turned the blower backwards to turn the auger backwards to release his dad's foot.

QuoteSomeone who heard the story and believed he did nothing because there was no thank you.
Michelle

I don't know your dad's religious beliefs. But in Christianity there's the concept called divine providence or being an instrument of God.

The idea is that God works through humans, events, and other beings to fulfill His divine will and purposes.

It sounds like you're dad was quoting this concept consciously or unconsciously.

And if that is the case (this is all speculation of course) it sounds like God used you as a vessel that day to save your dad.

That's impressive, thank you, Michelle.

Quote from: Lilis on January 17, 2025, 06:32:09 AMI don't know your dad's religious beliefs. But in Christianity there's the concept called divine providence or being an instrument of God.

The idea is that God works through humans, events, and other beings to fulfill His divine will and purposes.

It sounds like you're dad was quoting this concept consciously or unconsciously.

And if that is the case (this is all speculation of course) it sounds like God used you as a vessel that day to save your dad.

That's impressive, thank you, Michelle.

I think this is the second time that I wrote the story here, I deleted it before posting.
I thought the final line would not be accepted. That line went:
"Maybe my dad was right, and I was the divine intervention."

I could add other thoughts. This angel is still earning her wings.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 17, 2025, 11:13:44 AMI think this is the second time that I wrote the story here, I deleted it before posting.
I thought the final line would not be accepted. That line went:
"Maybe my dad was right, and I was the divine intervention."

I could add other thoughts. This angel is still earning her wings.
Michelle

😊❤️❣️

I read about the bathroom ban in the congressional house rules. The ban was not in the house rules when the rules were voted on. But the ban was still entered into the record as if it was approved by vote. I see what he did as cowardly, as if he was afraid the ban would not pass the vote.
On the other hand he promised the ban would be in the rules, and remember, there is no fury like a woman scorned.

Since there was no vote on the ban, does that mean the ban is not valid.
Michelle

I think I wrote about breaking my wrists as a life lesson, having to learn to ask for help and accepting help.
Just thinking about it, what are the chances of falling while on roller skates and breaking both wrists?
After getting out of the emergency room and transferred to another hospital, I think it was a male nurse that was going to give me a bath. I was standing at the sink in the bathroom, while he washed my chest. Before I got my bottom washed, I informed him that I still had male genitals. It seems suddenly he needed to be someplace else, and I never saw him again. I could put it a few ways, he didn't expect the woman to have male genitals.

The occupational therapist was different. She let me know a day before about the plans to give me a shower. I let her know that I had male genitals and it didn't bother her. My arms were bandaged from palm to elbow and needed to be protected from the water.

What got me was one day I got done on the toilet, and with both wrists wrapped up I couldn't wipe myself. When she got done wiping my rear, she offered to wipe my front. I declined, and didn't tell her I had male genitals.
Michelle

Sometimes the feeling of not belonging is overwhelming. Go back to my dad and his ideas, don't bother asking for anything because you won't get it. The same goes for asking permission for anything. I will give you permission for something when I decide you need it, I will give it to you without you asking. If you ask, you will not get it.

If I really had asthma it would have been caught years ago. Years ago my complaints fell onto deaf ears, and I was told to quit faking it.

If you were really transgender it would have been caught years ago. Years ago some therapist I had never met before asked a question and I answered truthfully. She told me I was not trans because I enjoyed being a male. She could not be wrong because she is a doctor and trained in such things.  On the other hand, Does the fact that I am a male sitting here totally dressed in female clothes, and that I am dressed as a female when I go shopping and use the women's rest room prove that she was wrong.

Then I sit here wondering what this gender dysphoria is. I wonder if living as a female, I do not feel the gender dysphoria. Was it the gender dysphoria that caused me to get rid of all my male clothes and shoes and replace them with female?
Does gender dysphoria cause me to feel makeup on my face when there is none? To feel long eye lashes brush the lenses of my glasses when I do not wear eye lashes? Or to even feel the dangling earrings rub against my neck when I am not wearing earrings?

Have I been living in a fantasy world? One so intense that my belief of being a female causes me to feel organs that are not there? Yet, I think most would agree that no fantasy would cause breasts to grow on a male body, along with a feminine shape. Learning from the movie "My Fair Lady", how to talk and walk with the grace of a lady.

I go back to my dad saying don't bother asking for anything. I won't get the medication I need if I don't ask.

I don't know how many times I had to prove I was as old as I said I was. I have been told that I look far younger. I've been tempted to find a booth at a carnival that guesses your age. I wonder what I could win, never mind, I don't really want to tell my age.

I had to laugh once when someone told me that if I didn't quit smoking, I wouldn't reach the age of 25. I was 30 at the time.
If the doctor thinks that I am 50 due to the way I look, then if I was that age, it would have been more likely these problems would have been caught.

The thing is the photo of me in the blue dress is about 20 years ago, that would make me about 55. The hair is real, no wig. I'm now 75, and the hair that keeps getting in my eyes is my own real hair.

I just recently learned that looking younger is another indicator of Klinefelter syndrome. Now I need to push to get tested.
Michelle

Again I did not write what I had intended. I think it may be an idea that we save money if we only go to the doctor if it is a medical emergency. I was once told that if I got into burn-nettles, itch-weeds, whatever, the best cure is to pee on it.

If I wait for a medical emergency, then I don't get a yearly examination. That also includes breast exams.
Just a sudden thought, my mother again, those aren't breasts, it's just a bit of fat. Wait, is that the thought, years later I walk around with breast inserts pushing to 38D, and it is ignored as just a bit of fat.

Because I have never had a breast examination, I feel I do not belong in a group discussing mammograms. I once went on a porn site to learn how to do self breast exams. I don't think my sisters would be very interested in showing me how to do breast exams. They probably think I banged my head when I fell with the skates. But it could be very interesting if they helped me do my self exam.

I thought it was odd that the day my pelvic MRI was done, mammogram overdue showed up on MyChart. It made me wonder if something else was seen on the MRI.

I'm a bit afraid of what might be said, like being told, it only a bit of fat, they aren't real.

I remember the early years of the internet, AOL online. Due to the word breast being censored, they were called "Boob Cancer survivors.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on January 18, 2025, 03:37:40 PMThen I sit here wondering what this gender dysphoria is. I wonder if living as a female, I do not feel the gender dysphoria. Was it the gender dysphoria that caused me to get rid of all my male clothes and shoes and replace them with female?
Does gender dysphoria cause me to feel makeup on my face when there is none? To feel long eye lashes brush the lenses of my glasses when I do not wear eye lashes? Or to even feel the dangling earrings rub against my neck when I am not wearing earrings?

Have I been living in a fantasy world?

No not at all, but this doesn't sound like gender dysphoria, it sounds more like gender euphoria.

QuoteOne so intense that my belief of being a female causes me to feel organs that are not there? Yet, I think most would agree that no fantasy would cause breasts to grow on a male body

Yeah, fantasy can never make those things happen, but this probably has nothing to do with gender dysphoria and gender euphoria, this sounds like it has something to do more with your anatomy.


~ Lilis

My chart say I'm over due for a mammogram. I think its because the chart sees a 62 year old female that has never had one. Either way breast health is important.

MyChart is not reliable. All of my care is through the VA, so MyChart doesn't know if I had a mammogram or blood test at all. It is an automated system that spams reminders for things that have nothing to do with me. It is good for things like contacting my non-VA providers or reviewing prior visits. Mostly, I found it unhelpful. I stopped using it.

Cold this morning. My computer showed it was -12F. My thermostat is set at 74 and it shows the temperature is 66. The furnace is running constantly.
This is the type of weather my dad and I would go out and cut firewood for next winter. It was said that grandpa would not be there because it was too cold for his hand. That doesn't make sense. Too cold for grandpa because he lost his fingers, but not too cold for my dad who couldn't work because he smashed his fingers. I would think it was because my grandpa was smart enough to say it was too cold to go out.
I am debating if I should walk to the store to get my Sunday paper, or if I should just forget about getting the paper.

I was watching Dr. House short videos on You Tube last night. I decided to watch the full episode. I was getting a bit frustrated because I couldn't remember which network it was. It was more frustrating because it is the only network that I have a subscription to. The emblem has all different colors, but not a rainbow. Finally remembered it is the Peacock, and I have a bookmark in a folder labeled tv and radio.
In one scene a guy says something about his fingers tingling. Dr. House turns and looks at him and says, "Your watch is too tight."
I remember something about guys being idiots because their ties are too tight, restricting blood flow to the brain.

One more thought here. Today is probably the type of weather to stay at home and do some baking. My mother once made some comment about my paternal grandmother driving the 50 miles to Dunwoody to get baked goods. ( I had another word, a little bit about double meanings.)  Probably the same reason my mother would drive 50 miles to buy discounted Micky snacks. Dunwoody Industrial Institute had training for bakers, heating and ac, electricians, and electronics.
I would think that a teaching school would sell their baked goods at their cost or below, rather than throw everything into the garbage. Another thing would be specialty items that you would not otherwise bake.
Another reason is to get out of the house and away from grandpa for awhile (unless he drove.)
My mother would drive to a warehouse store in st. Cloud, and it was a short drive to Micky's snacks. (I don't know when they changed the name.)
Michelle