Yea. Unfortunately I have to use the laser first for the 8-12 sessions (what ever it is that they say is the full procedure) before they will go on to electrolysis for what ever hairs the laser did not get.

My skin is pale and I have dark hair, so hopefully the laser will work for most of my hair. I do have some greys on my face when I had let my facial hair grow out. Those will for sure need electrolysis or I'll just shave those if the laser gets the rest

That was my experience too, that they had to attempt laser first. Then report back to the VA that it was unsuccessful. That got me the consult to cover electrolysis specifically, not just "beard removal". Gotta love government procedures. 

Took my second dose of estrogen. No stress or anxiety before hand. Decided to take it first thing after my morning shower after the gym. This way I can see how it affects me during the day vs taking it at night and then going to bed.

I haven't noticed anything from my first injection 2 weeks ago. Which is what I expected. I don't think the dose and injection frequency will be enough for me to notice any changes or affects by the 3 months check up and labs. I think once every 14 days is to little and too far in-between. Oh well it's the lovely game the VA plays, good thing I've leveled up and prestige multiple times at playing the VAs game lol ( thats a call of duty reference)

I do mine in the morning too.

Many of the women here who are on injections do them weekly. It is possible you need them more frequently, but your labs will tell the tale. Hopefully, the labs will be drawn on the day before your next injection. That way, your doctor can see what your lowest level is and then adjust up.

It isn't really important to know how high it is right after an injection. If the labs are mid-cycle, it will only show approximately what your average is. If you can, make sure your appointment is set for the day before. If your level is low, then you have ammo to ask for weekly injections to get your levels up.

Yeah that's what a lot of people have been telling me to do my labs the day before I would administer an injection. My endocrinologist wants me to take it as close as possible to the halfway mark in between injections. So I think she's wanting to see more of the average versus what my lowest point is between injections. Which I feel is probably her way of trying to avoid faster progress.

Worst case scenario I'll just say I forgot and got them done when I could which will be the day before my next appointment lol.

Quote from: Robbyv213 on December 18, 2024, 10:13:49 AMWorst case scenario I'll just say I forgot and got them done when I could which will be the day before my next appointment lol.

The VA is pretty good about letting you reschedule an appointment if you can't make it that day. 
Just be sure to allow 10 days for the lab results to be back before your doctor appt. Hormone labs can take that long, especially around holidays.

Yea. My next appointment should be early March or end of Feb. That would be the 3 months mark for starting Estrogen

Hello everyone it's been a little while since I've made a post. I've been really struggling with doubts and trying to figure out who I really am and what I am versus who I show up as everyday and if they're the same or if parts of those people are just the mask I wear to protect myself and get through each day.

As you know I I started Spyro in November and started estrogen in December. I was hoping that it would clarify things for me and really solidify who I thought I was and who I am versus what I have been living as my entire life. Unfortunately it has not.

Before HRT I found myself constantly thinking and feeling and having desires and urges to be feminine to transition wondering what it would be like to experience all of life as a woman and I felt these things and thought these thoughts and had these urges and desires since as long as I can remember.

What HRT did was I no longer felt those feelings or urges or desires I no longer had those thoughts that would consume me about wanting to transition or how I would transition or wondering what it would be like to be a woman. So in that sense HRT did help me become more present and being able to focus at work versus having all these thoughts and feelings overwhelm me all day everyday.

I felt like I was a little more in tune with my feelings or that I felt my feelings a Little bit stronger and more in-depth versus not feeling my feelings or I guess not allowing myself to feel my feelings. There were the moments where I would be laughing and making jokes and then the next moment I internally felt like I wanted to cry and I would tear up for no apparent reason.

I noticed that my sexual desire and urges also diminished which I frankly don't have a problem with but I know that was one of the biggest issues for my wife. And I felt guilty for being okay with not being able to perform or having the desire or want or urge for sexual intimacy and while my wife is not necessarily suffering but I'm not able to meet her desires and needs. So I felt guilty and ashamed because I wanted or want something opposite then what my wife does.

I felt that things were changing on my body a little bit. I noticed that I definitely was becoming softer and or more pudgy. Which was and is a big hurdle for me since I've been this big muscular tone fit guy for 24 plus years. I was hoping that I'd be able to maintain most of that but maybe become a slightly smaller weaker more feminine version of that. But even though I have only been on the medication for a total of 2 months it did not seem like that was the direction my body was changing.

Getting back to sexual intimacy I noticed things downstairs were shrinking probably due to the hormones and the lack of use and stimulation as well. Again I didn't have a problem with this but my wife does. Even using erectile dysfunction medication didn't seem to really help, granted those medications didn't really seem to touch me anyways even before starting hormones it seemed like they were Hit or Miss if I would get the desired effects from the ED medication. All this led to more guilt and shame for wanting and being happy to see some of these changes whereas my wife is unhappy to see these changes and that these changes were causing her more stress and anxiety for what's happening and what could potentially happen in the future in terms of our relationship and marriage.

As you all probably know my story I had been working on my body and trying to bodybuild and being physically fit and active for 24 plus years. And that was my goal was to build this muscular masculine body honestly because I felt it would protect me and having that presence of being a big muscular man people treat you differently. You you get certain attention and interactions with people for just being a muscular fit person above the average muscular fit person. I am by no means or was I ever as big as a professional bodybuilder even though that was one of my dreams and goals I had never reached. I can say for certain I was bigger and more muscular and tone than the average gym goer not quite a professional bodybuilder in terms of size and muscularity but a lot bigger than the average Joe. Anyways my point being is I would be known for being the muscular dude with the haircut and the tattoos and my wife would be known for being the fit chick with tattoos and dreads right and everywhere we went people would recognize us from the gym. Or at the gym people would randomly come up and talk to me and ask my advice or ask me to help them or spot them or whatever they were doing. Since being off male hormones and by that I mean steroids since May, I have noticed that I have become like a shell of my former self. Granted I knew what I was doing and I knew that I would lose size and strength but I didn't expect it to be to this extent. Slowly but surely everything I talked about before the interactions with people they attention the recognition even the safety of being a bigger muscular guy faded and went away. By safety I mean people tend to treat you differently if you're a big dude versus a smaller person in stature. No one is typically going to try to start anything or mess with a big muscular guy.

All of that slowly faded and went away. I noticed people weren't interacting with me at the gym anymore. People weren't asking me for spots people weren't recognizing me around town going food shopping or whatever we were doing for the day even though I would recognize people from the gym they wouldn't even bat an eye with how much I had physically changed in my appearance. And this is something that I'm also struggling with I spent so long trying to build this body of mine with hopes and dreams of eventually becoming a professional bodybuilder at some level, and even though I realize that those dreams are pretty far-fetched and probably unrealistic unless I use a really unhealthy amount of antibiotic steroids to get there and destroy my health and body that these dreams and these goals are probably just a nice fantasy to think about every now and again. But it was a lot of time and effort and money and sweat and energy to transform my body from being an overweight teenager to a fit muscular man.

I also noticed since being off of testosterone that I started to get sick more often. Again Iris was off testosterone in May of 2024. Since May till present I've been sick a total of three different times. Where is when I had been on a more consistent routine of being on testosterone I get sick maybe once a year maybe even once every 2 years and when I did get sick it would only be for a couple of days to a week where is now since I've been off of testosterones when I get sick I'm sick for 2 to 3 weeks at a time. I don't know if the hormonal changes and my body adapting weakens or puts my immune system at a higher risk of catching things but I have noticed that I have been getting sick more often.

Since starting HRT I felt like I had become a cancer patient. I had no energy I was probably working myself too hard at work and in the gym trying to lose weight and trying to maintain my size and strength as much as possible I ended up catching pneumonia. I finally went in on Christmas day in the evening to the ER because I had chest pains in my right lung and I couldn't sleep I didn't know what was happening I wasn't sure if I was having a heart attack or not granted I know heart attack is usually on the left side but they were other symptoms that made me feel that it could have been cardiac as well. Anyways after the our visit they said that I had pneumonia gave me antibiotics and I was on my way.

I completed the antibiotics and everything and I'm still sick I still have a lagging cough I feel like it's almost like I am constantly running outside in the winter trying to breathe and catch my breath breathing cold air and that's giving me this fits of coughing. My strength and energy is still down.

Anyways getting back to the main point of this post is that I was left more confused being on HRT. I know we're not supposed to talk about actual prescriptions and dosages and whatever the protocol the endocrinologist is saying to do but let's just say I felt my dose was too small or the frequency was too far and in between. Again I would have mood swings and everything I thought that made me feel and believe that I need to transition went away. I guess you can say all that noise that was in my head and feelings and urges before HRT subsided while I was on HRT.

But that being said I didn't feel like a man nor did I feel like a woman and I definitely did not like what I saw in the mirror anymore either like I said I looked and felt like I was a cancer patient my face was sunken in my skin was pale I was trying to grow my hair out and keeping my face shaved and it just showed everything that I guess is the uglier or undesired side of transitioning especially in the beginning before you start to see the changes before you come out of your cocoon and emerge a beautiful butterfly.

So I had decided to stop all HRT because while being on it I felt neutered and I was confused and I was starting to have doubts because I didn't know why all those feelings and urges and thoughts went away I thought that those things would maintain constant throughout and even after transition to help fuel and motivate me to be able to go through the hardships of transitioning.

I have been off HRT since the beginning of January my last shot was the first Wednesday in January 2025. Since then I haven't been on either estrogen or Spiro. After 2 weeks which when I felt that that the estrogen and Spyro had been wearing off I decided to go get a natural over-the-counter testosterone supplement. Granted I feel they are more of a placebo than an actual supplement that helps you like antibiotic steroids. I noticed that all that noise is starting to return. All those thoughts feelings desires and urges to be feminine. The wanting to experience life as a woman and wondering what life as a woman feels like and is is starting to come back a little stronger each day.

Also since starting the over-the-counter tribulus I noticed that I have a skin irritation. There are parts of my arms and legs that feel like they have hives or a rash that itches. I can only relate it to kind of being like an itchy razor burn that gets more irritated when I'm hot sweating and or clothing rubbing against it. And I'm not all that convinced that it is not due to the sudden fluctuation of hormones in my body. I know what I am doing is pretty dangerous and stupid messing around with my hormones because at this point I'll probably need to be on some form of hormone replacement therapy for the rest of my life whether it's estrogen or whether it's testosterone.

Since taking me tribulus supplement I've noticed my sexual desire return I've noticed things kind of return to normal downstairs in terms of function and size. I've noticed more random erections or waking up in the morning with an erection. Which is great for my wife and she has definitely noticed. She definitely if she had her way would prefer me to stay her husband and not become a woman. But that's just who she is and I can't hold that against her. Unfortunately now even though I'm happy that I'm able to start fulfilling her needs again and probably making her feel more desired, when before due to my lack of sexual interest and libido I wasn't making her feel as desired even though that was not my intention she is definitely noticed and I feel she is less stressed out and happier about it. I unfortunately feel like I'm lying to her because even though I'm happy that I'm able to do these things for her again I internally am having a struggle with it because deep down I know I want to be a woman and I don't want to have an erection or a penis. I definitely still wanted a sexual desire and libido but I would prefer to be a woman's sexual desire and libido. So now I feel guilty because I have this internal struggle and this external struggle of wanting to please and make my wife happy in all aspects of life when internally I want similar things but as a woman not as a man.

So with all this going on and happening and being in my head and having doubts for a week's at a time and then feeling affirmed and knowing who I am and knowing I need to transition and flip flopping back and forth I had decided to stop HRT and try the weakest form of testosterone I can find without getting a prescription or doing something illegal. And like I said now that I am feeling like I have my testosterone levels building back up higher than what they were definitely higher than what they were on HRT that all of the noise the thoughts the feelings the urges the dysphoria is slowly returning a little more each day.

I have set up a mental health appointment through the VA for the end of this month and I set up a mental health appointment with my therapist that I pay for out of pocket for the beginning of February to hopefully hash through everything that I'm feeling and experiencing. I want to continue to take the over the counter testosterone supplement to see how much these things return to or if it's something that is more manageable.

I even thought maybe I need to go more of a non-binary path for HRT allowing both testosterone and estrogen to be in my system since I probably had really unhealthy low levels of estrogen for many years of my life being on anabolic steroids.

So that's pretty much about it that's everything I've been going through since my last post. I'm starting to think or at least recognize that I'm probably not ready to commit to transitioning and that all the fears and doubts that we all typically have and go through are what is holding me back.

And I'm also struggling with trying to figure out who I really am and what I really am. By that I mean what is really me and what is really just part of the mask that I wear and the actions I do wearing that mask for the rest of the world and for me to feel protected and safe. For example I've been in the gym and bodybuilding for over 24 years is that really part of who I am and part of my character and part of my being or is that something that is part of the mask that I did or is it both. And I feel until I really figure out who and what I really am that I can't move forward with accepting that I'm trans and want to transition and become a woman and live the rest of my life as a woman.

Anyways sorry for the long post it's been a while since I last posted so I wanted to update everyone and let you know that I am doing okay or as best as anyone can be in this world that we live in. I hope everyone is well and I look forward to reading your responses suggestions and advice.

Oh one last thing I think I have finally settled on a name. And that name is Robin. I made a private Instagram profile with the username of Robin's song and I have been using face app to create pictures of me with a female face and feminine features which I found when I do this and look at these pictures I feel good about myself and the potential and possibility of who I can become through transition. I know using such apps like faceapp can also be a bad thing since it can give me unrealistic expectations and cause even further anxiety and stress since I don't look like that and that I could potentially never look like that without a lot of surgery.

So I don't do it too often but I find that it definitely helps and makes me feel good and gives me motivation for becoming the person I see in that altered picture

I had also been keeping a journal of all my thoughts and feelings that I've been having recently as well so hopefully that will help me in figuring things out and coming up with a plan and a path to move forward

Hi Robin!

Thanks for the update. It's good to see you back here.

As you try to figure things out, go back and look at the timeline you posted above. This can be helpful. Notice how you were feeling at each stage. How did that change? Do you see a pattern?

Notice what you said that you are okay with, and what you are not okay with.

You are doing the right thing by discussing these things with your therapists. They won't give you the answer, that is for you to discover. But they can give you another perspective to help you see something you might be missing.

I hope you get to feeling better physically and mentally, whether you transition or not. Get healthy first, then take your time to figure out your path.

Best wishes and hugs!

Hi Robin,

It sounds like you're facing challenges from many directions, and there seems a lot to unpack in one sitting.

Have you considered discussing this with your therapist?

They can help you narrow down the underlying causes of your symptoms and work with you to develop an effective treatment plan.

I know the term "treatment plan" might sound intimidating, but it's really just a framework to help break everything down into more manageable pieces, making it easier to address each concern step by step.

In other words tackling one at a time. This approach works for me when I am faced with many challenges all at once. I know we're all different and what works for some might not work for others.

But reading your post I think it's worth a try to discuss it with your therapist.

@Lilis thank you for the advice. I have yet to speak to my therapist about all this. I don't plan to at our next session.

@Lori Dee thank you. As always you know exactly what to say

Quote from: Robbyv213 on January 17, 2025, 12:37:31 PM@Lori Dee thank you. As always you know exactly what to say

Thanks. Not always, but I try to empathize and help if I can. 

I had been off Spiro for a total of around 20 days. And I have noticed that all the noise of before came back, to the same intensity as it was before. I have been having trouble trying to stay in the moment and focusing on what I am doing since all I can do is think about wanting to be a woman and experience life as woman.

After I speak with my therapist here tomorrow and i have decided they I want to resume my hrt. Granted I had only been off Spiro for around 20 days and I would have missed my last ev shot by about 5 days, so not all that bad in the bigger picture.

In the 20 days off of Spiro and the 20 days since my last ev shot as well, I have noticed my sexual desire, libido and function returning to normal. Which I am ok with as I know that I can still fullfil my wife's needs.

I am thinking about asking my endocrinologist if there is anyway to be on the maximum dose for hrt for feminizing affects while micro dosing t-gel every now and then to maintain function downstairs, while my wife and I are still together. I have tried all the other e.d medications and they barely worked before HRT, and during hrt I would have had to double the dose and even then it was hit or miss and I felt it was getting into a dangerous area (especially with medications such as Viagra and or Cialis).

Does anyone have any information or resources on how they would continue HRT for feminizing affects while implementing low does t for sexual function, if the normal e.d. medication doesn't work?

The problem is that the two major hormones compete with each other.

High E will suppress T and vice versa. Your Endo is more qualified to explain this better than I am, but I think you should discuss this with the therapist about WHY you want what you want. The reason I say this is because you are trying to do two opposite things at once, and adding herbals, other medications, and such is just going to throw the whole system into chaos. STOP IT.

Estrogen causes E.D. Finasteride affects the 5a-reductase enzyme, which affects estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone. You want to live as a woman, but please your wife as a functioning male. I think you need to figure out what your goal is and let the doctors prescribe the appropriate treatment.

I also think that having both a female body able to perform male sexual acts may not be feasible through hormone treatment. If you and your therapist agree that this is the path you wish to follow, then I would suggest surgical treatments so that your male hormones can get back to work. Opt for breast implants and hair transplants and whatever other feminine traits you wish to adopt. My concern is that in your efforts to achieve your goal, you could be taking some dangerous actions. Messing with your endocrine (hormone) system can have serious health effects. Hormones control so much more than just sex characteristics. I am afraid you are playing with fire trying to DIY.

Please talk to your therapist AND your doctors so that everyone knows what your goal is. That way you don't have one doctor thinking it is this and another thinking it is that, and both are confused about what the other is prescribing. Please do not take risks with your health.

Hugs!

This is a toughie.  You have competing interests.  This should all be discussed with your physicians and your therapist.  What would work for someone else may not work for you. 

Estrogen can have powerful impact on your body.  Everyone is different.

I hope there is a way to safely obtain your desired results.


Chrissy

I can understand wanting to please a female with your male parts if that is what she craves.
However, it seems incongruent to use them as a woman, but the desire to please can be strong.
So using them sexually is a very personal decision.

But as feminization continues it seems that it makes sense that there will be a time when they will likely not work well as sexual parts or not at all.