Quote from: Michelle_K on March 07, 2025, 12:15:34 PMOne other thought had occurred to me, that being to get a scan done at both locations, sort of like a second opinion.

You can request for the hospital to send their report and images (old and new) to the VA. If you have it done at the VA, they won't have the old report unless you have the hospital send it. You might need to go to the hospital and ask for a copy. I would ask for the report and images. I did that for past mammograms, and they copied everything onto a CD.

My dad enjoyed building scale models in his wood shop. He mostly made dollhouse furniture but also furniture that was closer to 1/4 scale. He made a rocking cradle the perfect size for a medium-size Teddy Bear. My mom made clothes (pajamas) for the bears and put them in the cradles. They were a hot seller at the craft shows.

Thinking about some of this, I was wondering where my covered wagon was, then realized I had something upstairs. The covered wagon is in the storage unit, that is the one with a light inside. Upstairs is a plain wagon, that could be converted to a covered wagon. Again, they are the smaller scale.

I have watched a you tube channel where the person repairs the old wagons. He has even done a sled for hauling hay. He even made replica borax wagons for the museum and to go on tour. I can't think of his name at the moment.
I found a website the sold plans for making the scale model wagons, but I thought the cost for the plans was way too high.

I don't know how many hours it has been, but I'm starting to get a bit of itchiness from the thigh garter on one leg. It may be that the silicon band on the garter causes a little moisture and then the moisturizing lotion is causing a reaction, or the lotion my be reacting with the silicone band.
Michelle

I went to my storage unit and brought back my covered wagon. I think it is in the 1/10 scale range. The dimensions of the box aren't quite right, but it is very detailed. It has a trunk on one side with thin strips of copper. It even has a working brake. It has copper strips around the wheels.
It is missing the cover, but that should be easy to replace. It looks like it wasn't finished, the pull chain for the light is not extended to outside the wagon.

I replaced as many of the missing mini bolts and nuts on the sled as I could. It looks like I will need to replace a few wooden parts, but that is a minor detail. I had a couple of horses that I had bought at a novelty store, and it looks like I might need to replace the hitch parts (called single trees) with ones the proper size for the horses. For now it will be put on display, and if any of the missing pieces show up, they will be put with the sled.

The other wagon is not as detailed, but it is more to the proper dimensions. Just need to repair a few broken parts.
Michelle

I found a forum for narcissists. Or maybe I should say survivors of narcissist parents. It would have been nice if way back in the 1980s, when I showed the therapist the photos of me as a baby in dresses, he could have told me the truth. The photos were never discussed. I'm sure that I was in this series of therapy with an identity crisis. And when I said I felt like I was sexually changed, It was dismissed with the words "it never happens." There was no discussion.
It may be that the therapist was not trained to deal with narcissistic abuse. Nor had any experience for transgender or even a gay patient. Like I said someplace, he just seemed to want me to show up so that he would get paid, and had sessions twice a week. Even though I was in and out of therapy, the real problem was not taken care of.

Both parents are narcissists. One is aggressive, the other is passive towards her. A lot of speculation on my part. My dad is more like a child, so my mother already has a boy child that she is trying to train properly. My mother is hoping for a girl, but she ends up with me. The dresses are actually punishment for me being a boy, and years later when she discovers I like being a girl, the punishment changes to forcing me to act like a boy.
She wants to be the center of attention, meaning I should not be looking at my sisters. Later, bad mouthing any other girl that I might know, there is no woman good enough for me other than her.

Like I said my identity confusion was not satisfactory dealt with so I am literally standing in my own way of getting my hormones.
Michelle

Edit: My mother is hoping for a girl,

I just got done walking to Casey's General Store and back, to get my Sunday paper.

I did a copy - paste and sent the previous post to the mental social worker through HealtheVet. I have other stuff saved in text files that I could send. The online therapist got to a point where the wasn't much help. The therapist would say he was sorry for not responding sooner, and then say thank you for sharing.

Not quite a year ago, at my first VA appointment, they did blood tests. They also did height, weight, blood pressure, etc. No physical exam other than listen to my heart and lungs. list the drugs I'm taking, none are prescription. Check the papers I have, and it was, see you next year. No appointment for any of my concerns.

A few weeks later I thought maybe the mental health was a walk in, and I ended up returning to the main building and getting an appointment with the social worker. Working with the social worker, I finally got into the gender program.

They get my an appointment with an endocrinologist, and after waiting almost three months, with a week before my appointment, I get informed that that place no longer provides that service.
 Next is Centracare, they already have my records, connected with the hospital that put the plates in my wrists. Centracare allows my to choose, and my local provider is on the list. A week before my appointment I am contacted by the VA, she is not an approved endocrinologist, and my appointment is canceled.
Then I get some more choices, wait and wait. The endocrinologist wants me to undergo some mental therapy. When the appointment was set up, apparently the session was not approved, and medicare paid part, and I paid the rest. I have not heard anything since.
Michelle

Doesn't the VA have an endocrinologist on staff for you to see? If not, you can see a gynecologist in the Women's Health Clinic at the VA. Endocrinologists deal with hormones, but mostly things like thyroid and diabetes. A gynecologist deals with hormones, but more specifically, hormones for women's health, like estradiol and progesterone.

If you can't get in to see an endocrinologist, have them set you up with a gynecologist. It might be easier to get an appointment, and they will be more in tune with what you need.

I have had two endocrinologists through the VA. They were good, but we had many arguments about what I needed vs what their protocols would allow. Then they switched me to a VA gynecologist, and I couldn't be happier. She understands what I want and helps me achieve that.

I would see if you can get an appointment with a gynecologist in the Women's Health Specialty Clinic.

Agree whole heartedly.  Lori Dee, your experience agrees with mine.  As soon as my VA primary care knew from me that I am trans, I was assigned to the VA Women's clinic.  A world of difference it makes.

Kind of a mix up. I had asked for a testosterone test at my first appointment at the VA. My provider was new at the VA. She determined that The test could not be done due to the travel time, that I could not get to any of the VA clinics within 1 hour of waking up.

I go into my appointment for the first time (about a year ago), I am wearing female clothes, look and act feminine, and the doctor does not know that I have never been on estrogen. The only medical records are the tests taken that day.
And just like the doctor 20 years ago, does not ask the reason for the testosterone test. I did a walk in at the local hospital, no referral necessary. Strange thing was that the level was the same as before.

I just looked her up, she is an advanced practical nurse, authorized to prescribe medication.

Tomorrow I have an appointment for asthma problems, I'm thinking I should send a message through HealtheVet that I have a sunken chest. That way it gets into my records.

I have lived practically my whole life with an abusive mother, with the fear she might become physically violent like she did when I was a child. Now I am expected to talk to a female health provider about male problems. How do I tell her that the negative effects of estrogen will not cause any problems with me, since I have lived with the effect of low testosterone my entire life.
Michelle

Quote from: Michelle_K on March 10, 2025, 02:16:43 PMTomorrow I have an appointment for asthma problems, I'm thinking I should send a message through HealtheVet that I have a sunken chest. That way it gets into my records.

If you have an appointment, there is no need to send a message through MyHealtheVet. That does not guarantee the nurse who reads the message will enter it into your records. Since you have an appointment, talk to your provider then.

Also, when you log in to MyHealtheVet, there is a place where you can enter Self-Reported Conditions, procedures, and lab results. By entering it there, you guarantee it is in your records.

I had to do that with an allergy test. There is no mention of the test or its results in my records, even though the VA sent me to the ENT Clinic where the test was done. I used the Self-Reported area to document the date of the test, who did the test, and the results.

Sometimes I get odd thoughts. It is difficult to receive the radio station I used to listen to before I moved, so in my car I listened to other stations. One station, the call letters are "KARP", I get reminded of a tv series "WKRP in Cincinnati". I need to figure out how to program the navigator screen to preset the radio stations.

I remember years ago, while some people were at our house, I had some toys out. One was a GI Joe dune buggy with a Barbie in it. I watched a little boy who wanted to play with the dune buggy. He used a stick to try to get the Barbie to jump out. I think about it now, and wonder what was done to him, to make him so afraid to even touch the Barbie doll to remove her from the dune buggy. I'm guessing that as long as the Barbie was in the dune buggy, he couldn't even touch the dune buggy. No picking it up, turn it upside down, and let her fall out.

There was some old magazine, I think it was a Mad magazine. There was a comparison between two different families. In one the young boy could play with a GI Joe, but not Barbies. The other young boy had two barbies that he played with. Both were allowed to sleep with their dolls. Fast forward to them being adults, the boy that had the GI Joe sleeps with a guy. The boy that had the Barbies, sleeps with two women.
Michelle

I watched some videos last night. One video was recording two male police officers harassing a biological female in the women's rest room. Another was that a cashier reported seeing a man enter the women's rest room, and male officers waited for the man to exit. The man was a biological female. The person showing the videos concluded that now all a pervert needs is a badge.

My experience has been the janitor in the men's restroom told me to go use the family restroom.
At a different place, the cashier yelled I was entering the wrong restroom when I was going into the men's restroom.
I used the unisex restroom for a while until some guy followed me in, claiming to be looking for his backpack. I also realized I was outing myself by using the unisex restroom. Who else would be using the unisex restroom, with the men's and women's that close.

I had not thought about it much, I had referred to myself as a bearded lady. I had not considered that was exactly what people were seeing. I even had little girls staring at me.
I know that in Walmart, at the self checkout, the person monitoring is not using a phone. The device in his hand can shut down any of the self checkouts. It happened to me a lot, and with my autism, I can't yell for the attendant. With getting rid of the beard and finally living as a female, the harassment seems to have stopped. It makes me wonder if I had been profiled as a female to male transgender person.

After the incident where the guy followed me into the unisex restroom, I have been using the women's rest room. One time trying to see the restroom sign before I got my cataract surgery, one guy pointed me to the women's restroom.

Sometimes I wonder if my dressing as a female is only because only women's clothes fit me properly. Living as a female and using the women's restroom is for my safety and avoiding any harassment. If I'm not careful I'll start believing it is all only a costume.
To undergo the pain of removing facial hair, painting my nails, and using moisturizing creams, does not sound like just a costume. I pierced my ears over 30 years ago, I must have done it properly, as I felt no physical pain. I did keep them in when I went to work, to face any harassment for piercing my ears. There was no harassment for piercing my ears, in fact other harassment stopped.
Michelle

I got to my appointment. Now I'm waiting for a call to schedule a pulmonary function test.

Why now? Ok, so it has been a few years, but for the first time in my life, I no longer have relatives in my face telling me what I can and can not do. It's a bit difficult, trying to remember some of this stuff. One, you have no right to complain. Two, if you would slow down, not run as much, you would not run out of air. Three, it's not that big of a deal, just live with it.
If I have any aches or pains, that takes attention away from her. And she needs all the sympathy she can get for her pains. How dare I complain about lung pains when she is the one who needs medication.

On how I quit smoking, I really did not know how to explain it. I could not get my cigarette lit. Trying to suck air through the cigarette would set off a coughing fit before the flame got close enough to light my cigarette. How do I explain that, how is it possible for smoke from an unlit cigarette to cause a coughing fit? I think I was trying to explain that the cigarette was not lit.

ADHD, too easily distracted. I never did mention the problems with the pickle juice. I think that was the only brand with that ingredient.
Michelle

I have been watching a lot of videos about narcissism and the scapegoat and the golden child. The narcissist is the one who says to his child, I own you and everything you have. The scapegoat is the one that is blamed for every problem the family has. The golden child is the one that can do no wrong, often put on a pedestal so high that I get a nose bleed just looking at her.

Ideally, when talking to a therapist, the therapist would recognize that I'm talking about a narcissist. Unfortunately it seems even if they know, I have to figure it out for myself.

I know I'm autistic, and when I was about ten years old, my sister played a dirty trick on me. She convinced me to let her tell me a secret. she cupped her hands over my ear, and let out a scream. The pain caused me to swing my head around and her next scream was in my other ear. I suspect that my eardrums were ruptured at that time. From then on, I was hearing impaired. Some time later I said something to my mother about it, and I was told it was just a game. I don't know when it was that my sister suggested I learn sign language, and my dad immediately said I was faking it. Now that I have hearing aids, it is the first time in 60 years that I can decently hear.

Michelle

Michelle,

I for one am glad for you.  Glad that you found a place to talk things out.  Either here or with your therapist.  I suggest that you keep up the soul searching and continue defining your world.  Ultimately you are discovering your own reality.  Nothing else matters.

I said this earlier but it applies, I think.  "I do the things I need to, keeping my sanity.  Collaboration, cooperation with personal identity maintenance means keeping a flair for what I am, what I want to be, what I want the world to see.  My life is too short to worry too much about how other's see me.

In the end we are all individuals, just like every one else.  I avoid places and situations that infringe on others rights, especially where they are too boneheaded to understand tolerant acceptance (and a great dirty raft of those words the U.S. Executive Branch are attempting to cloud or remove from written opinions.)

For me, emotional and physical safety are kingpins of my reality.  i just do it in a skirt or slacks and sweater set.

Couch your experience in a life well lived.  Consider that we are social animals after all is said and don't do well truly alone.  Find your balance in your village.  Try try try not to force yourselves on others.  Your reality is what will matter most."

Richelle

I don't know how many times I said it. When it comes to the roller skates, my sister would not approve.
When I pierced my ears, I knew my sister did not approve. At the time, my mother was around, to keep her in line.

Another pick and choose commandments, lecture me on piercings, and wearing women's clothes. Only women are to wear earrings. That's right, I was wearing clamp on earrings, so there was nothing about me having pierced ears. How many times did my dad tell me to drive her to go see her boyfriend, while he was still married?
It would seem that it was ok for my sister to break the commandment about adultery, but she finds it is not ok for me to break a commandment about wearing women's clothes. Technically, I wear women's clothes because that is what fits me.
His ex-wife, my cousin, lives two blocks from me now. Do you know how I feel, knowing that my sister broke up my cousin's marriage.

My dad gave her the power over me, by stating girls never lie. Then she lies about what I did and grins as I get punished.I needed to get rid of all the other noise, so that I could say and hear the problem.
My sister would not approve of me taking female hormones.
Michelle

One day, Michelle, I hope you come to a point where you realize that your life is not about the opinions of others. Sure, our behaviors are often shaped by the way we were treated in the past. And that can affect us for the rest of our lives. But we can get past it.

The reason I continue in therapy is not for gender dysphoria. It is for PTSD and to understand how being assaulted and permanently injured in the military has affected my behaviors, both past and present. It isn't easy to let go of things. But once we realize that we have the power to overcome the things that affect us, then we can find peace.

I know you had a rough and abusive childhood, and that would affect anyone who experiences what you did. I can only hope that you will eventually get to live your life as yourself and find peace and joy in that life.

Trying to figure out how to not overshare. Too much detail and it begins to sound like a lie.

I need to figure out how much that therapist hurt me 30 years ago. That because I told the truth, I was told that I enjoy being a male. The fact that I spent nights on my bed with a knife ready to cut that thing off meant nothing. Oh, that was because I was falsely accused of rape by my dad, nothing to do with my belief..

She was a therapist, smarter than me, and she told me I was not a Transsexual. How many times do I have to be told that she was wrong?
Michelle

Got me some wood dowels last week, one got chopped up for parts for the log sled and wagon. My paints are about ten years old water based acrylics. Wondering if I should just get new paint. International red and John Deere green. I have a couple more dowels to cut to make hitches for the wagon.

I should get my bandsaw from my storage unit. Unfortunately the blade is broken and misplaced. Should be able to get a new blade from the store I bought it from. Then I can cut the runners for a 1/6 scale log sled, and repair parts for the one I already have. Plus I need to finish up my Barbie sized Lincoln Logs.
Did I mention that I ran the bandsaw for several years at the furniture company?

Went shopping today and finally found the crystal gemstones to replace the missing ones on my shirts. One cat on my pink t shirt was missing an eye. I didn't think of it at the time, I should have gotten green crystals for the eyes.
In Hobby Lobby, I also found ring gauges. Now I can measure every finger and toe and record what size rings they would take.

I had one disappointment. I stopped at Arby's for a sandwich and drink. Instead of using numbers, they ask your name. I took my paper glass and got my drink, found my cover. I heard my name, and grabbed the bag with my sandwich. I got several blocks away when I realized I forgot to grab a straw.
Michelle

I get some weird thoughts. This morning I was wondering how a talk show host without any medical experience becomes an expert on transgender, and can say that medical doctors with collage degrees don't know what they are talking about. They point to the bible as proof of what they are talking about. The same as the bible proves the world is flat.

Could I do the same thing. Eve was taken out of the side of Adam, proving that Adam was a hermaphrodite. Adam, the man, was created male and female, a hermaphrodite.

Last night I was watching some show about nutrition, and the biased tests. If the company manufacturing the margarine does a study to determine the safety of their product, the result will be that the product is very safe.
Michelle