As you can tell by the title, this is a rant so if you'd rather not hear me complain then feel free to move along through the forums. Alright well, I know I'm about to sound self isolating, but right now I feel more alone than I gave in my entire life. Through my journey to find myself I've lost friends and myself in a way. I lost the person who I thought would be here through everything, but she wasn't. I lost myself, I lost the girl I thought I was supposed to be, the mask that I could use to hide the real me underneath. I lost the expectations of having a husband and kids and having to be a feminine woman. I feel free from it but at the same time it feels like it's been stripped away from me. I both love and fear this feeling and I don't know if it would be easier to embrace or hide it anymore.

Yes, men are more alone than women.
Men rarely have friends they can confide with--I've been that friend several times!

The initial trials of change to who you are certainly can be lonely. What, and who, you knew and relied on over your previous life years is no longer there. It takes time to rebuild a circle of people, same as it took time to build the first circle. I agree and disagree that men are more lonely. More of a self-imposed loneliness. To appear tough and 'manly' they avoid the benefit of having someone there to share fears.

My early and mid 'man' years were not lonely due to cause, more due to self-inflicted. I had family and friends. I had people to confide in .. most disappeared with transition. I was a lucky one in that my immediate family support me. My siblings? Not so much. Many of my circle of friends? only a couple stuck by me.

Surviving the lull between is the real struggle.

I have a new circle now and I can be unwavering in stating that it was worth it.

Hopefully it'll happen like that

I know the feeling well, Adrian.

Family and friends faded away. Some were angry. Some just found reasons to no longer stay in touch. Little by little, I made new friends who accept me as I am. Some were people I interacted with, like at the dentist's office, the property manager and maintenance man at my apartment complex, then neighbors who have gotten to know me. Through it all, only one person has stuck with me the entire time and she is my best friend.

From just getting to know you here, I think you are the kind of person I could be friends with. That makes me think that there are others out there who would very much enjoy your company. It takes time for people to understand what you are going through because it is not something they experience. Some have no interest in trying to understand for their own reasons. But the ones that accept you for who you are, are the precious ones.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It will happen. It just takes a little time.

Quote from: Lori Dee on April 07, 2025, 09:45:08 AMI know the feeling well, Adrian.

Family and friends faded away. Some were angry. Some just found reasons to no longer stay in touch. Little by little, I made new friends who accept me as I am. Some were people I interacted with, like at the dentist's office, the property manager and maintenance man at my apartment complex, then neighbors who have gotten to know me. Through it all, only one person has stuck with me the entire time and she is my best friend.

From just getting to know you here, I think you are the kind of person I could be friends with. That makes me think that there are others out there who would very much enjoy your company. It takes time for people to understand what you are going through because it is not something they experience. Some have no interest in trying to understand for their own reasons. But the ones that accept you for who you are, are the precious ones.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It will happen. It just takes a little time.

I feel like living in an old fashioned area in Texas of all places makes it hard for me to present as myself because everyone knows me as Ally, not Adrian. They already have an idea of me and how I'm supposed to act and look and sound even. They have their predetermined notions of me that I feel the need to fill. Maybe it's because being born female I've had to meet people's expectations or maybe because of how I was raised or maybe something I can't comprehend right now but it's taking its toll on me.

Quote from: Adrian26 on April 07, 2025, 10:05:10 AMbut it's taking its toll on me.

I think almost everyone inside Susan's Place has said the same thing and felt the same way. Many of us, including me, still feel that way. Adrian, I can't assure you that in the end, everything will be okay or even tell you the journey is worth the pain because I don't know if it will be. I think it will be because I love the moments of exhilaration and sublime peace I've found since beginning my own journey. For me, they've been worth the pain and loneliness. And, for me, finding Susan's Place was a lifesaver.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on April 07, 2025, 10:28:30 AMcan't assure you that in the end, everything will be okay or even tell you the journey is worth the pain because I don't know if it will be.

That's what worries me. What if all of this is for nothing? What if I figured all of this out about myself and lost all those people and it wasn't worth it? What if I lost my shot at a fulfilling life for some ideal life that I have in my mind that won't go even remotely how I wish it will? What if in the end I become more insignificant than I was before? And I know that sounds selfish in a way, but I'm tired of trying to accommodate everyone else and losing myself in the process.

Quote from: Adrian26 on April 07, 2025, 10:35:13 AMWhat if all of this is for nothing?

I live in rural Montana (which pretty much describes all of Montana) and relate to the unique pressures of life in a small town. I have the advantage of being old. Very old. And did not begin to transition until I was in my mid-sixties (by 'begin' I merely mean realizing I was different and I was desperate to become myself before I died). Perhaps, a similar approach would work best for you. But, Adrian, you have no idea how much I wish I had moved to Portland or San Francisco and allowed myself to be myself when I was young. I missed such a big part of my own life. But, because I live in Montana, I understand the risks of being different are not merely social or emotional. Physical dangers cannot be ignored. Therapy. Then more therapy. That's what got me this far.

Quote from: Adrian26 on April 07, 2025, 10:35:13 AMAnd I know that sounds selfish in a way, but I'm tired of trying to accommodate everyone else and losing myself in the process.

I think you hit the nail on the head, you just need to see it a little differently. If you are living as your true self, not living up to others' expectations, you will be happier no matter where life takes you. Been there. Done that.

On the other hand, living a life according to what everyone else expects of you is surely not the road to happiness. Deep down, you will know it is a lie and you can't be happy living with that frustration. If you have read my story, you know that I did that for decades. I lost everything anyway but I didn't know why.

When I realized that I had been playing a role and not living my life as ME, that was my turning point. I decided to cast off everyone else's expectations except my own. Why? Because it is MY life and no one can live it for me. I choose who and what I will be no matter the outcome.

I realize that not everyone has the means to just pack up and move out of state where no one knows you. But it is possible to shift their perceptions of you until you can. People react to sudden changes. But subtle changes go unnoticed. Perhaps, you could slowly become the "tomboy". This not only helps you learn and adapt to a more masculine form but it also is subtle enough that, if noticed at all, would be nothing shocking. Lots of women are tomboys or work at "masculine jobs", or dress more androgynous.

Don't give up hope. Transitioning is a long process. You will have doubts along the way. You will question and rethink your decisions many times. When I do this, I remind myself of what I am trying to accomplish, and why I made the decision in the first place. My psychologist was very helpful in that area as he reminded of previous conversations we had had on the same subject.

Hang in there. You got this.

Quote from: Mrs. Oliphant on April 07, 2025, 11:02:07 AMBut, because I live in Montana, I understand the risks of being different are not merely social or emotional. Physical dangers cannot be ignored. Therapy. Then more therapy. That's what got me this far.

I'm worried about the hate of different people that's basically ingrained in people. Plus I neither have the money nor the resources to see a therapist.

@Lori Dee I understand that I should live as myself, but in this area I feel like living as who they expect me to be is safer and sadly not everyone has pure intentions towards everyone, especially those who belong to the LGBT community. I understand that I shouldn't let that inhibit me but it is.

Quote from: Adrian26 on April 07, 2025, 11:58:20 AMI neither have the money nor the resources to see a therapist.

That is understandable. And you are right to consider your personal safety first.

Are you able to talk privately on the phone? In our Support Groups Forum, I posted an article that lists numerous available resources. You will need to click the link at the top to see the full article, then the links to the various resources can be clicked for more details.

Many of these resources are set up for people in crisis, as in they need to talk to someone now before they do something dangerous. But it is more than just a suicide prevention hotline. They will have people there who can refer you to someone who can help, whether is an online therapist or a phone counselor. They might even know of a local group that you can contact that can help you with whatever you need. It only takes a phone call or a click on a web link.

Check it out. We care about you.

https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,249512.msg2286371.html#msg2286371

Quote from: Lori Dee on April 07, 2025, 12:22:58 PMThat is understandable. And you are right to consider your personal safety first.

Are you able to talk privately on the phone? In our Support Groups Forum, I posted an article that lists numerous available resources. You will need to click the link at the top to see the full article, then the links to the various resources can be clicked for more details.

Many of these resources are set up for people in crisis, as in they need to talk to someone now before they do something dangerous. But it is more than just a suicide prevention hotline. They will have people there who can refer you to someone who can help, whether is an online therapist or a phone counselor. They might even know of a local group that you can contact that can help you with whatever you need. It only takes a phone call or a click on a web link.

Check it out. We care about you.

https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,249512.msg2286371.html#msg2286371

I'll check it out, maybe. Honestly I'll probably end up getting in my own head and gaslight myself into thinking that I don't need help from a therapist and that all of this is just stupid and that I'm supposed to be a woman because that's what's expected of me. I know it's a terrible mindset but it's one that's been instilled in me since childhood and I don't know how to break the cycle.

Quote from: Adrian26 on April 07, 2025, 12:27:03 PMI know it's a terrible mindset but it's one that's been instilled in me since childhood and I don't know how to break the cycle.

That is precisely the reason to talk to a therapist. In your own mindset, you see things only from your own point of view. A therapist can give you other options, and other ways of looking at your situation.

Please give it a try.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Quote from: Lori Dee on April 07, 2025, 01:10:01 PMThat is precisely the reason to talk to a therapist. In your own mindset, you see things only from your own point of view. A therapist can give you other options, and other ways of looking at your situation.

Please give it a try.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Ok I will.

Quote from: Adrian26 on April 07, 2025, 07:36:35 AMAs you can tell by the title, this is a rant so if you'd rather not hear me complain then feel free to move along through the forums. Alright well, I know I'm about to sound self isolating, but right now I feel more alone than I gave in my entire life. Through my journey to find myself I've lost friends and myself in a way. I lost the person who I thought would be here through everything, but she wasn't. I lost myself, I lost the girl I thought I was supposed to be, the mask that I could use to hide the real me underneath. I lost the expectations of having a husband and kids and having to be a feminine woman. I feel free from it but at the same time it feels like it's been stripped away from me. I both love and fear this feeling and I don't know if it would be easier to embrace or hide it anymore.

Firstly, Adrian rant away. That's what we're here for. And most, if not all of us can relate to what you're saying.

Secondly, as scant comfort as this is, you are not alone honey. You're in a place where probably more people than ever understand what you're going through. It is not the same as people where you are, I know.

Thirdly... and I think most importantly, I think I understand what you are saying about losing yourself. And it's something that doesn't really get spoken about. There's often the sense that being trans is about finding yourself. About being true to yourself. And... yeah that's true in a lot of ways. But we aren't the totality of self-awareness. In finding yourself you can also lose yourself because a lot of how we are is mirrored in how the world around us sees us. We grow up having an image, a set of standards, a whole persona thrust on us. And all we have, really, to go on when being ourselves is this little voice inside fighting against the hurricane outside of the whole world telling us how to be, how to act, what to want, or need.

If I can suggest to you, Adrian, you fear it because it's the path of least resistance. It's something you could do easily and everyone would be okay. Everyone except you. You feel like you're standing on the edge of a cliff and have to make a leap of faith because you feel it would be better. But the leap scares you to death. Going through life listening to ourselves rather than the rest of the world is damn scary. Because it's one voice against a thousand. You have literally the weight of the world on your shoulders.

I can't tell you what to do, Adrian, or how to feel. All I can say to you is... from my interactions with you through your posts here, you've come across to me as someone very genuine. Someone who... doesn't do the whole feminine girl thing and seems happier not doing it. And... I think what you stand to gain by being you is someone happier than the person you think you've lost. Just because you don't wake up hating yourself.

I have always subscribed to the idea that you can't be true to other people unless you can be true to yourself. You haven't lost the idea of having a husband or kids, if that's what you want. There are ways. And being gay is no crime. Being a wife, sure... but could you see yourself being a wife? How about being a husband instead? *hugs*

You're not alone, Adrian, and it's okay to feel this way. Honestly. Just know that you're not alone.

Quote from: Sephirah on April 10, 2025, 03:33:12 PMFirstly, Adrian rant away. That's what we're here for. And most, if not all of us can relate to what you're saying.

Secondly, as scant comfort as this is, you are not alone honey. You're in a place where probably more people than ever understand what you're going through. It is not the same as people where you are, I know.

Thirdly... and I think most importantly, I think I understand what you are saying about losing yourself. And it's something that doesn't really get spoken about. There's often the sense that being trans is about finding yourself. About being true to yourself. And... yeah that's true in a lot of ways. But we aren't the totality of self-awareness. In finding yourself you can also lose yourself because a lot of how we are is mirrored in how the world around us sees us. We grow up having an image, a set of standards, a whole persona thrust on us. And all we have, really, to go on when being ourselves is this little voice inside fighting against the hurricane outside of the whole world telling us how to be, how to act, what to want, or need.

If I can suggest to you, Adrian, you fear it because it's the path of least resistance. It's something you could do easily and everyone would be okay. Everyone except you. You feel like you're standing on the edge of a cliff and have to make a leap of faith because you feel it would be better. But the leap scares you to death. Going through life listening to ourselves rather than the rest of the world is damn scary. Because it's one voice against a thousand. You have literally the weight of the world on your shoulders.

I can't tell you what to do, Adrian, or how to feel. All I can say to you is... from my interactions with you through your posts here, you've come across to me as someone very genuine. Someone who... doesn't do the whole feminine girl thing and seems happier not doing it. And... I think what you stand to gain by being you is someone happier than the person you think you've lost. Just because you don't wake up hating yourself.

I have always subscribed to the idea that you can't be true to other people unless you can be true to yourself. You haven't lost the idea of having a husband or kids, if that's what you want. There are ways. And being gay is no crime. Being a wife, sure... but could you see yourself being a wife? How about being a husband instead? *hugs*

You're not alone, Adrian, and it's okay to feel this way. Honestly. Just know that you're not alone.

Thank you. Your words mean more than you know. Thank you so much. I needed that.

Any time, Adrian. I know we're coming at this from opposite sides, but if you ever feel like you need to vent or just want someone who has your back, shoot me a PM. I don't necessarily have all the answers, but I know what it is to feel alone. We both have the same end goal.

All I ask is one of your steaks. <3

Quote from: Sephirah on April 10, 2025, 04:40:44 PMAny time, Adrian. I know we're coming at this from opposite sides, but if you ever feel like you need to vent or just want someone who has your back, shoot me a PM. I don't necessarily have all the answers, but I know what it is to feel alone. We both have the same end goal.

All I ask is one of your steaks. <3

Girl I will gladly cook you a good ol' Texas steak and baked potato for some advice any day.