Hello everyone! Stumbled upon this great forum the other day when I was checking out different resources for trans people. My name is Alice and i'm 29 years old. I live in Sweden and I grew up in a pretty conservative, christian household (pretty rare in sweden). This, among other things, led to me not realizing that I was trans until september last year. From that point my life has completely changed, I started hormones a month later in October, and left my hometown and moved across the country in November, another month later. It was when I moved that I came out to everyone and as a consequence I lost my best friend and my parents.

I had only been out as my true self for four days before I met another trans girl, we fell in love and become a couple. We were completely inseparable from that point, until last week when she broke up (6 months later). Right now I'm in a weird point in my transition, I feel like while I've evolved so much since coming out, I still haven't dealt with any of my mental problems and I've realized that I've been depressed and just full of self-loathing and self-hatred my entire life. Since the breakup I've been doing nothing but think about this, talk to friends about everything and just trying to get in touch with myself and my body and try to find some kind of hope. I feel like I've got such an impossibly long way to go and I'm really, really afraid of my future. I'm afraid that I'll never learn to love myself and find any sense of selfworth, I mean if you've never really felt that, how do you just start feeling different? And even if i do; will anyone else be able to love for who I am? I feel like most of my previous relationships, including my first one as Alice, has ended because of my anxiety, depression and lack of self esteem or self worth or whatever. Some part of me kind of hoped that the hormones themselves would just fix everything, but I've realized that I have a lot of work to do and I feel very lost. Life feels very difficult at the moment. Plus the hormones are really working, I've been crying more this past week than I've had in my entire life since puberty.

Okay but something non-trans related about me: I'm a creative individual that loves music, movies and art in general. I usually spend most of my free time producing, writing and recording music or playing video games. I also recently got a job at a restaurant and another job as assistant to the director at a trans/queer-play at a pretty big theater in the city I live in now. I'm scared to death about both of these jobs but I think it'll be good for me in the long run. 

Sooooo sorry for such a long, rambling text haha. Couldn't stop writing. Hello again, so nice meeting you all and I hope that maybe I can get to know some new people here!

Hugs and kisses from sweden <3

Hi, Alice. Welcome. I'm very glad you've joined Susan's Place.

It sounds like you have a lot in common with many here. I have no doubt that folks will join in welcoming you and have many suggestions and questions that will at the very least reassure you that what you're experiencing is not at all unusual. This is a challenging path.

I've gone through a lot of life changes in the past 5 months myself. I think that self-love is really one of the most (maybe THE most) critical core concern that can turn a person's life around. I think the fact that you've challenged yourself with the move and the new jobs is a wonderful sign that you are engaged in your life and moving in a forward direction. The loss of your relationship, of course, makes all of that even more difficult.

I look forward to hearing more about your journey. I, too, love music and (trying to) create music, so I'd love to hear more about your adventures there.

Again, welcome, and thank you for sharing your experiences.

Pema

Thank you @Pema ! You're so nice. It's kind of weird with the relationship because I sort of felt that we wouldn't last forever, we're very different people. I think I just need stability, security and love so sooooo much that I looked past a lot of things that were bad. And I don't think it's really possible to work on oneself in the way I feel that I need while still in a relationship, I think it's something you have to go through and find within yourself. You can't really love someone that doesn't love themselves I guess.

I'd been mostly working as a producer/songwriter for an artist and good friend of mine these previous years but lately i've been feeling a strong urge to start writing again, about my own journey and what i'm going through. But with voice training and everything I'm honestly really scared to try and sing again. I feel like my voice just reads male, especially while singing. Doesn't feel right... But maybe I'll find the courage to share the music I've produced that my friend released, since i'm not the one singing haha.

Quote from: herminonie on May 23, 2025, 01:19:17 PMHello everyone! Stumbled upon this great forum the other day when I was checking out different resources for trans people. My name is Alice and i'm 29 years old. I live in Sweden and I grew up in a pretty conservative, christian household (pretty rare in sweden). This, among other things, led to me not realizing that I was trans until september last year. From that point my life has completely changed, I started hormones a month later in October, and left my hometown and moved across the country in November, another month later. It was when I moved that I came out to everyone and as a consequence I lost my best friend and my parents.
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Hugs and kisses from sweden <3 

@herminonie
Dear herminonie:   aka: Alice
I have noticed that you have just registered today as a new member and
this is your very first posting here on the Introductions Board... it is nice to meet you.
All of us on the Forum are very glad that you found us and that you are now here.

Here on the Forum we have members coming from all backgrounds and with a variety of experiences.

I am wishing you a Warm Welcome to Susan's Place!

I look forward to your involvement on the Forum and reading your
future postings, comments and thoughts.

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                              @Sarah B
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                              @Northern Star Girl [Danielle] The Forum Administrator

Thank you @Northern Star Girl for the introduction! I'm currently reading your post about Positive Mindset. so many good vibes here at Susan's!

Hello Alice,

I'm Lori Dee. Welcome to Susan's Place!

Thank you for that wonderful introduction.

We strive to make this a safe place to find information and share your thoughts and comments. No matter who you are, you are always welcome at Susan's Place.

I think you are in a good place to start your journey. I, too, severed ties and moved to a new state to start a new life. You mentioned that you thought hormones would solve most problems, but as you realized, that is not the case. Most of our transition is not physical, it is mental. The hormones help us adjust our bodies to match our self-image, but even that is seldom a perfect match. As you stated, it is difficult to expect someone to love you if you don't love yourself. That is profound.

I would suggest, as I do for anyone early in their transition, is to seek out a therapist with experience in gender identities. It can be rough going by yourself and just listening to the echoes in your own head. A therapist can give you insights from a third-party perspective that can be very helpful. They can also help with depression, anxiety, and other common issues with transition. This will be a long journey, so it makes sense to have someone who you trust and knows you so that you can discuss the ups and downs that we all face.

We look forward to getting to know you.

@herminonie
@Sarah B
@Northern Star Girl

Quote from: herminonie on May 23, 2025, 02:09:58 PMThank you @Northern Star Girl for the introduction! I'm currently reading your post about Positive Mindset. so many good vibes here at Susan's!

  @herminonie
Dear Alice:

Your Membergroup Request has been approved for you
to join the  MTF Transsexual group.

I am wishing you success and happiness as you continue on in your journey.

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
          The Forum Administrator

Quote from: herminonie on May 23, 2025, 01:19:17 PMSince the breakup I've been doing nothing but think about this, talk to friends about everything and just trying to get in touch with myself and my body and try to find some kind of hope. I feel like I've got such an impossibly long way to go and I'm really, really afraid of my future. I'm afraid that I'll never learn to love myself and find any sense of selfworth, I mean if you've never really felt that, how do you just start feeling different?

This is one of the few rainbows you can chase and find the pot of gold at the end of, Hermionie, because yes, you will learn to love yourself and find your self worth. You'll find both because no-one could write as powerfully as you do if they weren't worth loving and you won't need to look far to find your self-worth because every word you've written speaks of you having so much of it!

There's so much empathy and understanding here because we've all gone through the same things you have. We're all different, so we've all got different stories to tell, but we understand and we'll help. So welcome!

Thank you for you reply @Lori Dee! Hope everything is well with you!

Realizing that so much about my transition will be working on my mental health was pretty difficult at first, I think I've felt sort of trapped in both my physical and mental self my entire life. I sort of felt like all my "good" qualities were actually just causing me problems in my life. If that makes sense haha. But I think I might actually have the necessary circumstances to actually work on my mental health for real, for the first time ever.

I've thought a lot about therapy as well but I don't know if i'll be able to get any help there right now. I won't get my official diagnosis needed for transrelated healthcare for 2+ years so seeing a therapist that way won't work and I don't think I can afford private healthcare.

@TanyaG thank you so so much, you're a sweetheart. Brought a tear to my eye! Everyone here is so nice?? I love trans people.

You and everyone else here has really motivated me! I have pretty bad anxiety (if you can't tell haha) so it's usually all about having the mental strength to ignore that sort of physical anxiety I have and all the bad thoughts that comes with it, but that's been really difficult lately.

I understand. In my story, I relate how I got into therapy to figure out what was wrong with me. It was through that experience that I learned that I was transgender. I have been in therapy ever since, and it has been so helpful.

Most of the resources listed in our Support Groups Forum are U.S.-based. You could try reaching out to befrienders.org to see if they have resources in your area. I understand that cost is always a factor, but maybe they can refer you to an online resource to help get you started.

Let us know how it goes. We are always looking for more international resources to help our members outside of the U.S.

@Lori Dee I've been to some therapy sporadically through my life and I've been really sad that I could never formulate any of my gender dysphoria in any way, or didn't dare to or whatever the issue was. Sad both that I didn't know anything and sad that no therapist or professional ever saw it either I guess.

I didn't mention it previously but i'm actually seeing a counselor (I think that's the correct word) that I found here in Sweden. I think that will help me some, but they can only offer five session and I'm really interested in some long-form therapy. But I'm going to talk to the counselor about that next week, I'm thinking she probably knows what my resources are. I think transammans.se is the best resource for Swedish people if it's of any worth. They have some actual locations throughout Sweden where trans people can connect and they offer counseling and many good resources and guides.

Thank you for that. I am happy that you are at least connected to someone, even if they just refer you elsewhere. I had that happen too. I was seeing a social worker (counselor), and she referred me to a psychologist because she felt that she would not be able to help.

Definitely stop back and let us know how you are doing. Good luck!

Quote from: herminonie on May 23, 2025, 03:28:27 PMYou and everyone else here has really motivated me! I have pretty bad anxiety (if you can't tell haha) so it's usually all about having the mental strength to ignore that sort of physical anxiety I have and all the bad thoughts that comes with it, but that's been really difficult lately.

If we all think you are wonderful and we've only just met, then think how wonderful we'll think you are once we really get to know you? You sound really interesting even after only a few posts. We don't have many musicians here that I know of, and what video games do you play?

Did you have any thoughts about gender or being trans when you started therapy or was that something your therapist helped you realize? @Lori Dee

The counselor I'm seeing only works with trans people so I'm expecting her to at least have the tools to help me somewhat, haha. But yeah I really understand that it might take time to find the right therapist, and not everyone has the necessary skillset. But I'll keep you updated for sure!

Quote from: herminonie on May 23, 2025, 03:47:34 PMDid you have any thoughts about gender or being trans when you started therapy or was that something your therapist helped you realize?

I had no clue. I knew I was different, but not in how I was different. I had just divorced wife #3 and moved out of state. I am retired, so I figured I would just work on being me. What I realized was that I was not a happy person. Depressed, angry, frustrated. So I went to a therapist to figure out why.

When I got the diagnosis of gender dysphoria, I rejected it. No way! That's not me! But that is because I didn't know what that meant. Two years of therapy learning the difference between biological sex, gender identity, sexual preferences, etc., and I finally began to see what he saw. I began to connect the dots and accepted that this is who I am, so I will live my life as ME. (My story is linked in my signature line if you want more details.) 

@TanyaG You're making me blush haha. I'm trying to really take in what you're saying for once, but I usually get some sort of imposter syndrome whenever someone tells me nice things like you.

I've actually been thinking a bit about trans artists in general, we need more public trans people I think! I don't know any trans musicians at all. Or any kind of trans artist.

I have a Steam Deck if you know what it is, and I've mostly been playing single player games throughout my life, escape from reality or something. I really like the newer Wolfenstein and games like that and when I get tired of that I'll play Stardew Valley or Against the storm or something. Do you play?

I'll check out your story for sure @Lori Dee ! I love hearing other trans people's story. I'm so happy therapy worked that well for you, and that you get to live like your true self now! Have you had any positive connection or experience with any of your ex wives? I had some laughs looking back at previous relationships with several of my exes since I realized, and it became important to come out to them as well, even if we didn't talk a lot anymore. But I realize age, country and/or the marriage-aspect could make their reaction different from my experience

Quote from: herminonie on May 23, 2025, 03:55:22 PMbut I usually get some sort of imposter syndrome whenever someone tells me nice things like you.

Welcome to Susan's, Herminonie. And the 'imposters club'. I've been here for a few months and I'm just beginning to feel like I belong. Twice, I got so confused I went 'dark' for a week or two before coming back. I'm beginning to believe I belong here. I'm pretty sure so will you. Believe all the nice things Lori, TanyaG and others say; they've never lied to me.

Quote from: herminonie on May 23, 2025, 03:59:23 PMHave you had any positive connection or experience with any of your ex wives?

No contact with any of them. Wife #2 passed away. I divorced #1 and #3 long before I knew I was transgender, so no contact with them either. They have moved on, and so have I, so it's all good.