Love your story, Sarah B. And you told it so lyrically, with grace and honesty. Like you, I've always loved long hair. Of course, now that I don't have any, I love it even more.   

I think you kinda either like fringes (bangs for you US folks) or not. I am one of those people who falls in the "not" camp. Although I think they look amazing on other people, like you, Sarah. I just never had the patience for it. It just works for some people, but not others. 🙂

Hi Everyone

I first sensed something was different when I was a child rummaging through a pile of clothes during a class activity.  I was deliberately searching for something feminine to wear driven by an urge, I did not know about it at the time nor could I explain it, I just looked.  That memory stayed with me and later I understood this incident proves that I had always been female even though at the time I did not think I was female or even realise it.

Thirty six years ago I changed my life around without hesitation.  I had surgery and stepped into life as a woman.  When I was fifty one I finally discovered that I had always been female even though I had never searched or bothered about finding any reason why I was living my life as a female.

People often picture gender as a single track from male to female.  Others break the idea into countless non binary positions that drift between or outside those poles.  I understand the spectrum and I accept that nature produces many variations.  Still the simplest explanation holds when I apply Occam's razor: I am female.  No further label clarifies anything for me.  Anchoring myself there frees me to display logic, gentleness and resilience without apologising for any so called masculinity or femininity that I may have.

Society remains structured around two boxes so declaring one makes daily life smoother.  That choice does not erase the reality that biology sometimes misaligns bodies and identities.  Nature made a mistake with mine so I corrected it and the subject is closed.  Remembering what was once there makes me feel nauseous.  So this gives me yet another reason to know I'm female.

I thrive in STEM fields where analytical thinking is prized.  At the same time I have always wanted children and the metaphorical white picket fence.  When I changed my life around I thought about having children and that dream was medically impossible at the time yet the desire has never left me.

While I watch others wrestle with words like non binary or different trans descriptors as they search for comfort in language, culture, science, support networks or faith, I respect each and every journey yet feel no need to borrow those answers for myself.

I have no regrets, only relief and gratitude.  Each and every day, I live the plain truth that my younger self once touched upon in that classroom with a pile of clothes in front of me.  I am a woman, simple and complete.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator

I agree with your perspective. Although I see myself as being on the spectrum between two points, most of society does not understand that. When forced to pick a box, I will pick female because that is the closest to the most accurate description. Similarly, in conversations where trying to keep the conversation casual, the simplest answer is often female. For most people, the concept of gender is too complex for them to understand, or even want to try.  🙂

Quote from: Sarah B on June 28, 2025, 11:54:08 PMPeople often picture gender as a single track from male to female.  Others break the idea into countless non binary positions that drift between or outside those poles.  I understand the spectrum and I accept that nature produces many variations.  Still the simplest explanation holds when I apply Occam's razor: I am female.  No further label clarifies anything for me.  Anchoring myself there frees me to display logic, gentleness and resilience without apologising for any so called masculinity or femininity that I may have.

Quote from: Lori Dee on June 29, 2025, 10:15:52 AMFor most people, the concept of gender is too complex for them to understand, or even want to try.

Sarah and Lori thank you so much for this post. 💕

I'm grounded in my own gender identity, I know who I am.

But I recognize that not everyone on the forums is at that place yet.

I think Sarah's post, while very binary and direct, opens a door for members who are still exploring.

It offers a clear example of what a binary identity looks and feels like when it's fully embodied.

For those who are questioning or unsure, it's a powerful reference point to better understand that path, not as a prescription, but as a possibility.

And for others who may feel overwhelmed by labels, theories, or internal conflict, her story might be a lighthouse, something to help them navigate their own journey, whether they land in the same place or find their own different truth.

And let's not forget that gender remains complex even for scientists and medical professionals. Many openly admit that they don't fully understand it, because gender isn't just biology, or psychology, or culture. It's all of that and more, often deeply personal too.


~ Lilis 💓

Just want to give a massive hug to my favourite Shiela. You are an inspiration to so many people I don't even think you realise.

Love you, honey. <3

Hi Everyone

In response to some nudges, I have just let my fingers wander over the keyboard, so I must warn you to go and get yourself a cuppa of tea or a coffee before you begin to read.  I will await your return before I begin.

I grew up with an unremarkable childhood.  I never knew about gender or even pronouns.  Yes there were occasional thoughts about being a girl but I never really or truly worried about it and I never have even to this day.  I went to school with some thoughts of wanting to be a girl.  I even did some crocheting in high school but never got picked on for it and I rarely did it anyway.  So that was never an issue.

If you have read previous entries in Sarah's Stories or my sagas I mention that I travelled across Australia then you know how far I have travelled, especially when one ends up in Sydney where of course you know where I changed my life around.  Anyway I digress as usual when I begin these long rambling stories of mine. 

I ended up in boarding school at the beginning of 1975 and I finished my high school education in 1976 and I did reasonably well.  Until I went to boarding school, I never did any homework.  Suffice to say, two years in a boarding school in Brisbane, which mum paid for and I'm so very grateful that I was able to do that because I enjoyed that life.  I enjoyed the structure of what it represented and that included five hours of homework every day: one hour in the morning before breakfast, three hours in the evening and one extra hour if I wanted to make use of it. 

Except on Saturday and Sunday when there was none and only Sunday when it was time to write home to our parents.  This, if I remember correctly, was one hour.  I got good enough grades to barely scrape through to do some university courses.  But I was immature or naïve to the extent that I did not know how to live the life of going straight on to university, meaning being independent and living the good life. 

I returned home after boarding school and took a course in Civil Engineering (Drafting) at the local trade school known at the time as Technical and Further Education (TAFE), designing, drawing roads and drawing bridges as well.  Unknown (unbeknownst) to me, this career would sustain me when I changed my life around.  That is why one should get an education, trade or whatever, that will sustain the cost of one's journey.  .

So it was two years of high school, followed by four years at the local trade school known at the time as TAFE to get my certificate in Civil Engineering.  During the last two of those four years, I was also working in a government office, where I would remain for a total of 10 years.  During that time, my thoughts and feelings of longing to be female grew stronger.  Just before the year I finally changed my life around, there were two Christmases when I lived as me for a week each time and when I did, my innermost thoughts at the time were of wanting more of that.

Regardless of what I have said in regards to my conundrum story, mainly reasons why I did what I did.  I now realise and I truly cannot stress this enough, that what drove me was wanting more of what I had briefly tasted before I changed my life around.  I wanted more of the life that I'm living now, even though I never thought of it in that way at the time.  I didn't consciously frame it as wanting to live more of my life as a female, but that's exactly what it was.  That, more than anything else, explains what I did and why I did it.

So as you know, February 1989 is when it happened and two years later, surgery.  During that time I was working full time as a contract draftsperson, which gave me the money to live.  Using money from long service leave, I was able to live as me for a whole year.  If anything went wrong, I could return to my previous life.  I also used my situation to secure 13 weeks of paid sick leave (they didn't know the reason), which gave me enough money to invest in land.  That allowed me to get a loan for surgery.  I should have been more diligent in saving my money but hey I'm not perfect.  So in February 1991, surgery finally happened.

In 1992 I spent another year at another TAFE getting a certificate in Office Administration (basically a secretary).  Just a side note, it was the time in my life that I spent living with my first boyfriend and the love of my life at the time.  It still is amazing that I got high marks during that year.

That was where I learned to take dictation.  That was a waste of time considering that I have never used it and of course voice recordings and computers took care of the dictation issue.  I took the course, of course, because I needed a job that was in high demand for contracting work.  There was a downturn in the drafting field.  Life continued, then it was 1994 when I finally got my chance to go to university.

When I originally left my family behind I was going to go to university.  Whether I stated this explicitly or not, I do not remember.  However I had applied under my former name and I was intending to study Civil Engineering at the University of New South Wales.  I remember visiting to see where it was and whether I actually set foot on the campus or not I cannot recall, but I do remember standing outside the main entrance, thinking I wanted to do the course in my current legal name and not my previous one.

This is another stark reminder and out of the blue thought of what was happening and what I wanted in that famous month of February 1989.  Anyway going to university would not occur until 1994 and by mid February of that month I had changed my name legally.  I drove into the city and I went into the appropriate government department, filled out a form, signed it, paid my fee and walked out the door.  Yes, if you asked if it was that simple, then yes.  And no, I did not get hassled in any way about what I was doing.  The stark difference between male and female names was obvious of course.  Again I digress.

So in February 1994, I started my degree in Computer System Engineering, with a sub major in mathematics.  I was living life to the fullest extent possible: studying, working, living with my boyfriend and keeping house.  After I graduated in '02, there was the global downturn in that industry and I needed to get another job, so going back to my previous job seemed the logical thing to do, but this only lased for a year.  Not everything flowed smoothly for me, but hey that is life and I'm no different compared to anybody else.

Eventually I worked or found  out that there was a shortage of mathematics teachers.  Lo and behold I got myself a Graduate Diploma in Teaching (mathematics) and I graduated in 2004.  How things turned out for me still to this day is just staggering, lucky no, extremely lucky yes.  Change my life around, working, surgery, further education, boyfriend and finally becoming a teacher in mathematics, computers and art (yes art!).  Yet I did not have a lucky rabbits foot or an Irish four leaf clover to help me.

My family during this time was aware of what I had done although I did not tell them what I was going to do.  My uncle told them about me, because my mum wanted to know where I was she was worried sick I believe, as I have said before, "I was going to leave my family totally behind and of course move on with my life".  Fortunately for me they were totally accepting, the question is why was this so?  I cannot put my finger on the real reason why, but several come to my mind.

My maternal grandfather accepted me when I was born out of wedlock.  In that sense he was a remarkable man.  He loved modern technology, taught me to drive a manual of course and accepted my father who took on a child that was not his biological offspring.  Which brings me to my father who accepted me as well, a remarkable man in his own way.

That is not to say they were perfect.  They were only men of that time and that just meant they provided for their family while the women were in the kitchen so to speak.  Finally there are a couple of vague issues as to whether they played a part in accepting those who were different in the family.  Which leads me to the conclusion that the family had an inherent attitude of acceptance and that leads directly to the acceptance and unconditional love I received from my family and especially from my mum.  She loved her children.  I know this without doubt, from a story I have told before in my blog she said, in a card she posted me:

QuoteMy Dearest Daughter Sarah

I saw this card and straight away thought of you.  I miss you so much and I always look forward to seeing you.  I do hope you get a chance to move closer and somehow, I can come and visit and that is not so isolated.

All I ever wanted for my children to be happy, healthy and to always know where they are.  So take care my daughter Sarah of yourself.

Love you heaps
Mum & Tia

So where does this leave me now?  Good question, I have just picked up on this story and this was just in response to a nudge, a hint and others mentioning that they like to hear from me and looking over what I have already said.  I guess I will continue talking about my mum with another story and how we meet up for the first time I left my family.

If my memory serves me well, I first caught up with my mum late 1993, which was nearly three years after I had my surgery or nearly five years since I last saw her.  I was doing contract work for a government department in Bundaberg, drawing bridges and designing and drawing roads, for the main roads department for a year.  I was staying at a local hotel and my mum was on her way to see her sister in Brisbane.  One of my aunts who first caught up with me.

After meeting her at the bus terminal (coach), she put her arms around me and said, "I missed you so much", later in the same hotel room my mum said, "I thought you was going to look like a drag queen, but obviously not".  I cannot remember the exact words in regard to this.  That was so funny to hear that.  However, I believe, I put my mums perception of what her one and only daughter looked like to rest and in doing so made her proud of me. 

Yes this was the last time I have ever done work in that field, but actually I just recently designed some footings for a ramp into a local community centre, where several activities are carried out over the week.  So its surprising what comes back to haunt you.

Something that I don't touch on very much is my first love and in the end he broke my heart.  I was meeting up with potential 'partners' using online dating forum and socialising.  The old age question of what do you do in those situations.  No I did not reveal my past and I was just dating just like any other girl and the usual meeting spot was on the stairs of the Sydney City council.  Nothing ever came of those dates.

Then sometime, I don't know when, there was guy seeking people like me.  It was about a year after my surgery, I guess against my better judgement I responded to them, the details are lost in the mists of time and to cut a long story.  I finally got the love of my life, we meet through an online dating forum, he new about my condition and he said it was not a problem, he was younger than me, I suppose I must be a cradle snatcher.  As I have mentioned before, I was not going to get involved with guys until after my surgery, which I said to my psychiatrist.  This was about a particular question my psychiatrist asked me "what about boy friends", so that was not a problem for me and of course the waiting time to heal from surgery and needing to feel comfortable with the person.

Long story short we meet early in 1992 and we spent hours talking, well me actually and at one stage he said "you talk too much Sarah" and proceeded to kiss me,  like I had never been kissed before, after that it was on for young and old and I spent the next 7 years with him.  I loved him with my heart and soul, but circumstances eventuated that we drifted apart.

I was studying at university, the company he worked for shutdown and he got another job in another town far away from where I lived, the long distance relationship did not work out and one night he rang me and said this was not working and we should break up and that was in in '98.

I had everything I ever wanted at the time, it literally broke my heart in pieces and to this day it still hurts.  I found out later he had a partner and she rang and said, to me, "that he wanted to marry me".  If pouring salt on to an old wound was painful enough, that comment was worse than hell.

I did eventually date again, but this time around, I had several boy friends and one lasted two years, they did not know about my condition.  However, something was missing and that was I did not love them as much as I did with my first love.  As they say there is nothing like your first love.

Fast forwarded to 2002 I graduated from university and the first one in my family to do so and as mentioned there was a down turn in the computer industry, see I was not all that lucky.  The year '03 I do not really remember that well, I think I worked in my old job, but I had to work of course.  In 2004 I got my graduate diploma in Teaching in Mathematics.  Then in 2005 I being teaching mathematics and computer studies for high school students.  That lasted until the end of 2011 when I return home to family who lived in Brisbane to basically look after my mum and during this period I ended up teaching swimming and at the same time I was a lifeguard at the local gym and swimming centre.

Mum passed away in 2022 and I returned to teaching in 2023.  However, A health issue, a trapped nerve, made standing and walking painful, long hours and of course the behaviour of the children, I called it quits after only one year back in teaching.  I'm now retired and have been for nearly two years which brings me to the current year of 2025.

So why the rush in the brief description of what I have done with my life, mainly from the day I changed my life around from that day to the present day?  It just shows how unremarkable my life was and some people wonder about what I know, there is nothing remarkable about what I know as I have lived my life and yes I'm able to draw on my life experiences.  People get into all sorts of philosophy discussions, but my one aim in life and a very simple one I guess, is to pass on my knowledge to others.

But how does one do that?  I have gained knowledge by standing on the shoulders of giants in history, studying, gaining life experiences and learning from others.  So to me this is not unique in what I have done.  I guess I have the drive to just be myself and not something I'm not.

I tend to remain silent and listen to others before I speak, which is one reason I don't post much in my blog.  I often feel that unless I have something meaningful to say or contribute, I would rather wait and reflect before speaking.  That approach has served me well over the years.

Yes, I have lived my life, loved my life, a life I changed around for the better, filled with all its ups and downs, heartbreaks, moments of joy, challenges, learning and growth.  I would not trade it for another.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator

Thanks, Sarah, for sharing this.

You may see your story as unremarkable, but I see it as a wonderful journey.

You are a survivor. As you encountered obstacles, you figured out what you needed to do and just went and did it. That carried you through to the next obstacle, and so on. Even when dealing with situations in the here-and-now, you also looked ahead to see what you needed to do to be in a better position down the road. From your education to financial planning, and so forth.

Although your story on the surface, like many people, is just dealing with the day-to-day stuff, it is more than that. It is how you dealt with these things that impresses me. I love the way your mind works out solutions to problems, and that, like teaching Math, is worth sharing because there is always a need for learning.

Hugs!

@Sarah B
Dear Sarah:
I am thrilled to see that "you have just let your fingers wander over the keyboard"

 Welcome back... you were missed very much by me
and your other followers and readers.

Thank you for updating and sharing your continuing journey on your Blog Thread.

I an eagerly looking for more of your updates on your Blog and your postings
on the various threads and topics around the Forum.

    ❤️❤️❤️

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

Hi Lori Dee

You said:

Quote from: Lori Dee on August 28, 2025, 09:51:19 AMThanks, Sarah, for sharing this.

You may see your story as unremarkable, but I see it as a wonderful journey.

You are a survivor. As you encountered obstacles, you figured out what you needed to do and just went and did it. That carried you through to the next obstacle, and so on. Even when dealing with situations in the here-and-now, you also looked ahead to see what you needed to do to be in a better position down the road. From your education to financial planning, and so forth.

Although your story on the surface, like many people, is just dealing with the day-to-day stuff, it is more than that. It is how you dealt with these things that impresses me. I love the way your mind works out solutions to problems, and that, like teaching Math, is worth sharing because there is always a need for learning.

Hugs!

Thank you so much for your kind words.  I honestly do not see myself as a survivor or anything special.  For me it was simply a matter of taking the next step that seemed necessary at the time, without always knowing how it would turn out.  Looking back it sometimes seems like there was a plan, but in truth it was more often luck and a willingness to keep on going even when I did not feel sure of myself.

I also would not call myself "unremarkable."  I know my past and the choices I made do not really make me so, even though I often describe myself that way.  If there is any value in what I share, it is simply that I kept putting one foot in front of the other and learning along the way.  If that helps someone else or gives a little encouragement, then I am happy.

I truly appreciate you taking the time to read through my rambling story.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Lori Dee

Hi Danielle

Thank you so much for your kind words and the warm welcome back.  It really does mean a lot to know that I was missed by you and others here.  I did let my fingers wander over the keyboard as you noticed and I am happy it was worth reading.

Your encouragement gives me the push to keep writing and to share more in my blog and on the forum.  Sometimes I feel I do not have much to add, but messages like yours remind me that people enjoy following my journey.

Thank you also for always being so supportive of me, it is something I never take for granted.

Best Wishes Always
Sarah B
Global Moderator
@Northern Star Girl

Your life is anything other than "unremarkable", Sarah. And I don't think you give yourself enough credit for where you are, and who you are, sweetie. Reading what you wrote... girl, you could have made a book out of it. Not even kidding. Being special and amazing isn't something you have to compare to other people. It's something you have to look within yourself to see.

And... I will be honest... from the first time I spoke to you privately, you have that spark. You have that special something. I think you think far less about yourself than other people think about you, honey. Which I understand and dislike in equal measure. You deserve better. You deserve to see who you are, where you've come from and what you've overcome.

You are one of my dearest friends and I do not make friends easily. You are far, far more than you think you are, Sarah. And deserve the very best. Thank you for sharing a lot of yourself that can't have been easy to talk about. And.. girl... you make a fringe (bangs) look good!

Love you, honey. Always. <3