I've recently begun noticing my little brother is displaying a LOT of signs of potentially being transgender. He's 15 years old, built very slight, introverted, shy and socially awkward, but lately I've noticed:

• Feminine presentation, wears mom's clothes often, wears mom's glasses often, doesn't seem to mind being mistaken for my mom, which happens often
• He leaves the house wearing a jacket wrapped around his hips like a dress
• He's been growing his hair very long, and when asked what he wishes his hair looked like, he exclusively pulls up pictures of women.
• I have a girly wolf cut and he's expressed jealousy for it.
• In casual conversation, he very suddenly dropped the fact he hates hair on his body anywhere that isn't on his head, hates his moustache, and literally mentioned laser hair removal surgery (unprompted).

Obviously none of this is definitive proof but every other trans person I've mentioned him to has been quite certain he's an egg.

Simply put, this is really bad news. Neither of my parents are accepting of trans people, neither would ever let him transition or offer any kind of support beyond telling him to repress his feelings.

I'm his sister and I desperately want to help him. But I don't know how to even broach the subject of transness to him without outing myself, and I'm sorry to say we've never been very close either, which would make me reaching out now and asking "useful" questions kinda difficult.

On top of that, I can't risk being caught. I'll be thrown out of my house and disowned instantly if my parents find out I'm trans, and I'm worried they're already starting to catch on. I'm already making plans to move out.

I can't leave him alone to fend for himself but I don't think I can safely stay in my family's house much longer.

What should I do?

Sorry to hear of the difficult family situation.

Don't ask don't tell is very common in such situations.
As is the concept of plausible deniability.

Marion

Quote from: Maid Marion on July 08, 2025, 02:42:53 PMSorry to hear of the difficult family situation.

Don't ask don't tell is very common in such situations.
As is the concept of plausible deniability.

Marion

But not even talking about it would just be the same thing as not helping them.

There may be ways of helping him without talking about it, like doing the laundry and "accidentally" giving him some of your old clothes, never to be seen again.

I remember when my sister thought her son was gay. I wasn't all that close to my nephew but let him know I was always willing to listen. My sister's suspicions were correct (which was no big deal to her so most of the drama was about my nephew's reluctance to come out and not about his sexuality). I'm glad I was there when he was ready to talk. I'm not sure things would have went as well if I (or my sister) had confronted him before then.

I had to google what a wolf cut is. I am an old fart, okay?

Speaking as a trans girl who grew up with two brothers... honey I would have given anything to have a sister, or someone in my life to ask me about this stuff. Even indirectly. Maybe find movies or literature on being trans... being someone else... and see if that gets a reaction. That's your in. Mention something off key. To see the reaction. If she is trans, she's probably as scared as you are. And if you can get that in, you can work out what to do about your parents together. Neither of you has to be alone. It might be that you're both too scared to talk to each other.

Quote from: Sephirah on July 12, 2025, 07:32:26 PMIf she is trans, she's probably as scared as you are. And if you can get that in, you can work out what to do about your parents together. Neither of you has to be alone. It might be that you're both too scared to talk to each other.

This is the important part, just letting them know they can talk to you about anything. A subtle clue, like a Pride pin that you can hide easily from your parents, or let him see so he knows you are an ally. It doesn't need to be a forced conversation, just drop enough clues so they know. I grew up with three brothers, and we always had secrets from our parents and even developed our own code language. 

Quote from: Sephirah on July 12, 2025, 07:32:26 PMI had to google what a wolf cut is. I am an old fart, okay?

Speaking as a trans girl who grew up with two brothers... honey I would have given anything to have a sister, or someone in my life to ask me about this stuff. Even indirectly. Maybe find movies or literature on being trans... being someone else... and see if that gets a reaction. That's your in. Mention something off key. To see the reaction. If she is trans, she's probably as scared as you are. And if you can get that in, you can work out what to do about your parents together. Neither of you has to be alone. It might be that you're both too scared to talk to each other.

This is great advice. Try and find an opening, and gauge the reaction.

Quote from: Lori Dee on July 12, 2025, 11:04:43 PMThis is the important part, just letting them know they can talk to you about anything. A subtle clue, like a Pride pin that you can hide easily from your parents, or let him see so he knows you are an ally. It doesn't need to be a forced conversation, just drop enough clues so they know. I grew up with three brothers, and we always had secrets from our parents and even developed our own code language. 

This is a big thing. Always be someone they can 100 percent trust. When I first started questioning my gender, I had my cousin to talk to about what I was feeling. Her and I have always been very close. Just having someone to talk to about what I was feeling was a HUGE deal to me.

In thailand where we have a history of understanding and accepting transgender and it is common for mothers to know if their child is tg before puberty. LGBTQ issues often occur in families to a few members. I have a thai tg friend where all the children are tg, gay or Tom. In my family of 4 children, 1 is gay and one tg. In the wider family we hv many LGBTQ. It is much more common than certain society accept.

Family support is imperative and I have spoken about this at many speaking engagements. Father's are mostlikely to NOT accept a son as gay or transgender, mother's tend to support but are often scared to challenge the husband.

I do know that keeping it inside will cause mental problems, mostly depression and suicidal tendencies.

Seek LGBTQ groups which normally have a therapist. Each family situation is different and my heart goes out to those where the family cannot accept the situation. Write about your feeling to forums like this, never be embarrassed to seek help.

Keep strong and I understand you care for your brother. He needs to face this problem in the future, at present he may just be a test run.