Hi All,

I have not told my children and it troubles me greatly.

The survey is broken into two parts.  You can answer one section if you have children or the other section if you do not have children.  (Significant others can answer in either section if desired.)

I am interested in what or how you told your children or how you avoided telling them.

............................
A little over one year ago I would have said no.  In fact I would have said no to telling my wife.  However this forum and a transgender conference convinced me to tell my wife.  She seemed to accept me after she finally understood what I tried to tell her.  (It took two tries and and a near divorce.)  Once I told my wife I had every intention to tell my children.  However my wife told me to not burden the children with my issues.

I do not want to burden the children with my issues but my behavior is beyond odd.  I think it might be useful for them to understand my shortcomings as a dad.  I do love them and I love my wife too.

My wife has requested that I keep my TG behavior to the bedroom and live as a male during the day.  She accepts that I might not stop the hormones.

My youngest daughter that is currently 16 is the most suspicious.  Her bedroom is next to her parents and she hears our conversations.  She asks questions like, "Who is Keri?"  She tells my wife, "My husband Keri."  (She was referring to the book "My husband Betty" by Helen Boyd on my nightstand.)  My wife addresses me and writes me notes as Keri in private.

The other night my daughter came up to me and pulled my two shirts away from my body and told me my neck has sun damage.  She did this on the front side and then the back side of my shirts.  I told this to my wife and she thought that was funny.  (I wear a cotton sports bra, covered by an undershirt, which is covered by a button down shirt every single day.) 

My daughter also asks why daddy's muscles are like mommy's muscles?  (I was overweight and very muscular not too long ago.)

She quizzes me what I put in my hair and why do I eat handfuls of pills every day.  (I eat lots of vitamins!)

She also is very suspicious of why I wanted to help her MTF friend at school.  (Her friend had a BA, lives and dresses as a girl, and does not take hormones because she is only 16.  Ah the story is complicated.)

I will certainly try to reenter society as a male.  I currently have no plans to stop what I am doing in the short run.

I will tell you that I do not want to be a male with boobs, or a girl with that thing and my current face.  However that is where I am.  The facial hairs will be gone over time.

Secretly I wish everyone knew.  I am exhausted!

By the way I feel very foolish to come to this forum as a genetic male that lives as a male and is married to a genetic female.  Hey I will go with my family on vacation for 10 days so that I will not be able to see what happens to this thread.  I expect to see, "Tell your children you are insane."  That would be a correct assessment.

Thanks ...and I am sorry that I have not been at the forum much these last several months.   

I will tell my daughter when she is old enough (she is only 16 months old). I will just answer honestly when she starts asking questions. I believe it is her right to know and I also believe that she has every right to be proud of her dad for being who she is and that it is not deviant and not evil and not something to be ashamed of. But before that I hope to start educating her on the different types of people in the world.

Sure, I worry how she will deal with it when others tease her or attack her because of who I am. But I can't make excuses. I trust she will be stong enough and not hate me for it - at least not forever anyway.

Sounds like your Daughter already kind of knows Wendy - at least has an inkling.

Quote from: Lisbeth on May 28, 2008, 05:15:15 AM
Oddly enough, that never happened to my kids.  Maybe they picked their friends well, but I have always had good relationships with all my kids' friends.

That is comforting to know. Thanks Lisbeth, sounds like you have good kids.

My choice was  (I have children -Yes) I told my oldest one (stepdaughter) my younger daughter is having issues right now with depression and I feel she is not able to handle it right now so it's put off until she is better. Once again there's no right answer here, there are too many variables to try to make it one size fits all.

gina

It's tough. I am not a parent yet, and probably won't be for a long time.

As far as I know, anyone who sees what's in my pants (or in this case, what isn't) would know. I would have a hard time telling my children. I wouldn't know when. Too early and they'll out me to their teacher/friends. Too old and they'll feel like they've been lied to. I hope I can raise my kids to be accepting of "what is strange."

I have a hard time thinking about having kids. I want to be a father, but that isn't possible... not cheaply and safely. I could adopt, which is what must happen as I cannot provide sperm (transmale here) and I will NOT have even an artificially induced pregnancy. I don't have the strength to handle my womb doing that. I have a hard enough time when it bloats around my period. The transman who was all over the news for being pregnant, in my opinion, is a very brave man who was able to face what hurts him about his body.

So with that aside, I would tell them eventually. My lover, children, and doctor deserve to know. I limit it to that... Unless someone outs me. At this current time, everyone "knows" I'm female. My name is a big giveaway. I won't be able to live as male until some things about my life change. I do pass well, and strangers see me as male, but family and friends know about my birth sex...

I told my son at 7 and his sister together at 5.

They are adults now, married, and have children of their own.  I kept in touch while they were growing up.  But now, I have only limited contact with my son by his choice. My daughter has cut off all communication.  By their belief system, my sin is second only to murder.  They feel betrayed and abandoned.

Cindi

Quote from: Cindi Jones on May 28, 2008, 09:25:38 PM
I told my son at 7 and his sister together at 5.

They are adults now, married, and have children of their own.  I kept in touch while they were growing up.  But now, I have only limited contact with my son by his choice. My daughter has cut off all communication.  By their belief system, my sin is second only to murder.  They feel betrayed and abandoned.

Cindi

Goodness Gracious! God never said anything bad about transpeople. The Bible mentions ONCE a problem with sodomy. But honestly...

Sorry, that just ticks me off. I feel it is a greater sin to hate your fellow man, or woman, because he or she isn't what you expected. Jesus said to embrace everyone and help them on their way, whether or not they accept the teachings of Christ...

Elwood,

I transitioned in 1986.  I started in Salt Lake City and was a loyal Mormon follower.  The teachings of Christ were used against me. I had a very difficult time.

My life has improved significantly since then and I've been happy with my decision to leave Utah.  I now live in California.

Cindi

My kids are in their 30's.  In February of this year I told them I was a ts and was going to live 24/7 as a female.  At 1st they were totally supportive.  Now they are having problems with it..losing their Dad is a common thread with them.  I keep telling them I am still their Dad with the outer covering changed and that I love them and always will.  My therapist says this is something that happens a lot.  He said to give them time and he and I are sure they will come around.
My one son already knew I was a tg.  He lived with me the last 2 1/2 months of 2006.  He went to use the computer and wanted a sote he used the night before and hit "history".  Apparently I forgot to erase it.  From the sites I visited and a pop up in the corner saying there was a message for Amber he knew right away that I was a tg. H e told his fiance 9 months ago that I was tg.  I hope they come around sooner rather than later.  I am sure they will.

Amber

I told my son, but he was 21 and had been living on his own for a couple of years. 

It's not that I hid it from him, it is that I didn't know why I never fit in with the rest of the guys.  Though there were a few times I secretly cross-dressed, I didn't really understand that either.  After my divorce and I began to live by myself, I made some major changes in my appearance.  I shaved off the beard I had grown for 30 years, shaved my legs and arms, and grew my fingernails long.  He couldn't help but notice I looked differently, and asked what was up.  I told him.  He took it pretty well, and has been very supportive since.

Quote from: Wendy on May 28, 2008, 12:12:42 AM
Secretly I wish everyone knew.  I am exhausted!

Amen, Sister!

Quote from: Wendy on May 28, 2008, 12:12:42 AM
By the way I feel very foolish to come to this forum as a genetic male that lives as a male and is married to a genetic female.  Hey I will go with my family on vacation for 10 days so that I will not be able to see what happens to this thread.  I expect to see, "Tell your children you are insane."  That would be a correct assessment.

Don't feel foolish, this is exactly the place to come with these kind of questions.  My heart goes out to you.  I can't imagine what it must be like for you.  If I had felt the way I do now 20 years ago...

Bless your heart, Wendy.

...L

When i have kids... i doubt it.... i dont see what benefit 'mommy used to have a penis' will have to them... I'll be thier mother, thats not going to change.
R >

My partner's daughter has known about me being trans since the beginning of our relationship. She was 5 yrs old when I moved with my partner. It's never been a big issue.

Z

Quote from: Elwood on May 28, 2008, 09:30:40 PM
Goodness Gracious! God never said anything bad about transpeople. The Bible mentions ONCE a problem with sodomy. But honestly...

Sorry I'm not trying to be inflammatory here but that's a little misleading if not entirely incorrect.

Deuteronomy 22:5
"A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this."

Again, sorry!

My sons are 10 and 17 and have known for 5 years.

It's not always been easy in explaining, especially to the older one. At 12 he was having his own set of confusions about 'who am I' and he hasn't always been comfortable with me, although now he doesn't seem to mind his friends seeing me and meeting me. I go to events at his school and just met a teacher and another student at the 'Governor's Art Awards" ceremony where he was honored for his photography achievements. I got no sense that either of them 'knew' or were uncomfortable talking with me. (Break for brag about my child: He won "Best in State!!" Yah!!)  What he tells them is his own business. If he needs my help he asks for it.

The thing that bothers him most is when my ex's sisters and brother-in-laws are in-town and talking about me and how 'selfish' this has been of me. (he lives with his grandmother and the ex for school purposes.) But, he appears to have put down his foot about 'selfishness' by asking them why it's selfish for me to be myself when they pride themselves on 'being themselves.' That revelation apparently stopped that sort of thing about two years ago. At least around him.

The 10 year old hasn't had any problems: Mom is simply Mam-Ba (ex is Mom-Ah & my partner is Mom-Ka.) *giggle* He made that up on his own and it's stuck.

If you give them what they can handle, and don't be fooled, most kids handle things better than their adult counterparts, and continue to answer questions and deal with problems as they grow-up. I really don't find it to be a problem. Nor do the boys.

Rachael, everyone wants to know 'where did I come from.' I understand your feeling right now, but also imagine that as you have children you may find that your opinion evolves as well. Maybe not.

Nichole

nah...

as for that bible quote... hmm christians suck XD Im glad im jewish.... Our god isnt quite so harsh.... or possibly our doctrine wasnt writen by the Vatican.
R >

Quote from: Alex on May 29, 2008, 08:36:51 AM

Quote from: Elwood on May 28, 2008, 09:30:40 PM
Goodness Gracious! God never said anything bad about transpeople. The Bible mentions ONCE a problem with sodomy. But honestly...

Sorry I'm not trying to be inflammatory here but that's a little misleading if not entirely incorrect.

Deuteronomy 22:5
"A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this."

Again, sorry!

And Leviticus has even more things such as that, accompanied by stoning punishments, exile from the 'camp', etc. What camp? It demands the exclusion of women from the household for some days while they are menstruating and other gems.

If, I imagine, one believes that all of the Christian Bible is "God's complete word" then one should be intent on keeping all sorts of desert & 1000 years B.C. injunctions. I don't find that most Christians do THAT. Instead they look up various 3000 year old injunctions and try to hang those on me. But don't abide by them themselves.

IMHO, those sorts of 'arguments' are 'arguments' about what I feel comfortable with for myself and how that 'triggers' their own unease with who and what I am. I truly don't see the Christian god being more concerned with those pronouncements made by Ezra than he would be with those basic commandments like "Thou shalt not do murder." And then the expansion of that by Jesus to not even "think ill of another. Lest you place yourself in danger of Gehenna."

The Bible or David Copperfield can probably be used to argue darn-near any position on anything if one wishes to argue.

Nichole 

Quote from: Alex on May 29, 2008, 08:36:51 AM
Sorry I'm not trying to be inflammatory here but that's a little misleading if not entirely incorrect.

Deuteronomy 22:5
"A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this."

Again, sorry!

My understanding of that passage was that it was an issue if the person were cross dressing so as to commit a crime or adultery. Not if they were doing this to express their gender.

Quote from: Rachael on May 29, 2008, 09:12:20 AM
nah...

as for that bible quote... hmm christians suck XD Im glad im jewish.... Our god isnt quite so harsh.... or possibly our doctrine wasnt writen by the Vatican.
R >

Rachael, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that passage is from the old testament... our section 

Z

Quote from: Zythyra on May 29, 2008, 09:26:05 AM

Rachael, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that passage is from the old testament... our section 

Z

Well, that's accurate.

Quote from: Alex on May 29, 2008, 08:36:51 AM

Quote from: Elwood on May 28, 2008, 09:30:40 PM
Goodness Gracious! God never said anything bad about transpeople. The Bible mentions ONCE a problem with sodomy. But honestly...

Sorry I'm not trying to be inflammatory here but that's a little misleading if not entirely incorrect.

Deuteronomy 22:5
"A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this."

Again, sorry!

Hm. Clothing. And what defines man and woman? Isn't a transwoman a woman? And a transman a man? Their sex and gender are in conflict with each other, but especially those transitioning make that not a "lie" anymore. And how are transpeople sinning any worse than women who wear pants to work or metrosexual men?

Also, God doesn't detest anyone. That from the New Testament? That would explain a lot.

I don't believe any texts written after the old versions that were not "revised" by King James. This "revision" was a direct altercation of the Bible to suit his desires. That is one of the greatest sins a man has every committed. I've seen original bibles (thousands of years old) at the Natural History Museum in California. Anyone who knows even modern Hebrew can see some major differences between these ancient Bibles and the new ones. The new Bibles have had so much altered and added, supposedly to make them "easier to understand." But God never was a homophobe or a transphobe. Not in the old editions that hold some credibility. Editing "after the fact" is a way of saying, "Oh, we didn't REMEMBER to put THIS in," or rather, "The Bible is adored by SO MANY PEOPLE that if we put THIS in they'll consider it the LAW OF GOD."

It was a disgusting trick, and if I had an ancient Bible of my own in my hands, I could prove it. I'm sure people already have, but get swept under because I guess some people considered King James a "holy man" who had "special rights" to alter the Bible. Of COURSE he, did; he was the goddamn king!

I also apologize to you for sounding inflammatory, but anything that is thrown at me from the modern Bible just happens to make me scoff.

NOW. People are saying it's from the "unaltered" Old Testament. Guys, the entire Bible was altered when it was translated from Greek to Hebrew, from Hebrew to German, from German to English, and then the many English and German editions which came after, "revised" for clarity. The entire Bible is a mess of footnotes, cuttings, "clarifications," and "fixes."

Being a transsexual, as most should know, isn't just about crossdressing. I wear men's clothes because I'm a man. My female body makes me female, but not necessarily a woman. These words are so general and vague that it's hard to say, even if these WERE direct translations from the original texts, what exactly the scribes meant.

And another thing. So what if the BIBLE says this? It is NOT the DIRECT word of God. Sorry to break it to you, Christians, Jews, Protestants, etc. but the word of God is too Holy to be scribed onto a book. I'm sure you all know this, but a lot of your peers vehemently deny it. I am an atheist, so if God wants to send me to hell for "crossdressing" (I don't consider it crossdressing at all, but being who I am) than so be it. I'm willing to give it all to be who I am.

zing.... i think someone hit the nail on the head.....












But clearly we got it right with the hebrew version.... clearly....
R >