Hello.

Well, I am finally done denying it. After weight-lifting, backyard and pro-wrestling, martial arts, and everything except for military, only because I tore my ACL, and only months from turning 20, my only remaining issue to solve is, should I continue to live with inner turmoil, or go seek an inner peace. I have finally convienced myself suicide would put an end to it, but also an end to everything I enjoy.

I am going to try to find a therapist again, save every penny, and hopefully be able to hide all medical records from my family, who are heavily involved in the medical field, from my mom who deals with medical record releases, to my sister, who works in a lab that apparently is the only one qualified for testing hormone levels in blood in this area since she has had blood work from a TS that lives 40 miles away.

But anyways, I look forwards t spending more time on this forum.

Lone Wolf,

Welcome to Susans.  You will find that you have a lot of brothers and sisters here who are walking the same journey. 

I know that you are feeling very stressed right now.  I can see it in you introduction and in your other posts.  You need to take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

Go on.  I'll wait...

First of all, there is nothing to feel ashamed about.  You are who you are, whether by nature or by God.  I have walked that path of shame, and it does nothing constructive.  I am glad you are trying to overcome your inner turmoil now instead of waiting for decades, like I did.

Take another deep breath close your eyes and say to yourself, "There is nothing to be ashamed of.  I am who I am."

Do it again.  This time, say it outloud.  Say it softly if you are worried someone will overhear, but say it outloud.

Promise yourself that you are not going to suicide today.  Make that promise every morning to yourself.  If you can't make that promise, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255).  It's the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.

Promise yourself that you are going to go see your doctor right away.  Your doctor can help you get you in touch with a therapist.  Since you are over 18, your doctor has to keep this confidential. 

You have started a long journey.  Remember that you are not alone.

Peace,

Chaunte

Welcome to Susan's!

If you'll be coming here on a regular basis you won't be a "Lone Wolf" any more.  Susan's is a great site for information and entertainment but I think it's best in how we all support each other in our journeys.

Unfortunately, your doctor may not be able to provide a referral to a gender specialist.  Mine couldn't.  She even admitted that I probably knew more about GID than she did.  (Further conversations with her proved it, too.)  Not all therapists can help with this condition, although they may be able to point you towards someone who can.  If this happens to you, try the resources on this site and on other sites to find one in your area.

When you find a gender specializing therapist tell him or her your concerns about privacy.  For therapy, outside labs are usually not required.  If it goes that far your therapist can then work with the other members of your medical team to address your concerns.  As far as fees are concerned, if you explain your situation they may even work with you on adjusting the cost to suit what you can afford.

Things have sometimes looked very dark for me during my self-discovery and I have also thought that being dead would be the only way to ease my pain.  I think most transgendered people have at least considered it - it's part of what we all go through I think.  What has kept me from going down that dead-end road is the memory that, all the other times I've been that far down, something eventually changed and things got better.  Things will always change - this too shall pass.

I'll be looking forward to reading more from you and am again happy that you found us so we could say,

WELCOME!
helen

hey lone wolf welcome im afraid your a lot like me lol i to do all of those things besides for military
(i have a damaged lung ) im looking for a therapist to ppl here where very helpfull.
im glad you came to susans see you around

jaded                                 

Welcome, Sister Wolf.  Let us sit near man's fire and warm ourselves before we go to the ridge and howl at the moon.  Others will join us, and you will not sing alone.

Google KindredSpirits Lakeside and DrBecky's.  Both have extensive lists of gender resources by state.

As for your family, please remember that it isn't a matter of if they will know but when.  As you transition, some changes will become noticeable, and at some time you just won't want to hide who you are.  They seem to be well educated people, and can benefit from such sources as PFLAG and PFLAG TNET.  MAry Boenke's 'Trans Forming Families' and 'Our Trans Children.' 

Sharing in the Light

Reiki Robyn