I tried going out all girly and whatnot and I definitely got read halfway through the night.  Seeing as I'd like for that not to happen I don't think I'll be going out like that for quite some time, aka when I've had enough hormones rammed into my system to make the difference.  I know some of you are brave enough to say "screw it, I'll still do it" and I admire that.  I however have to view this as a learning experience.  I hate doing things where I could be called out on something not being right.  I'd never present a topic without doing my homework in case someone knew I didn't have all the answers.  The same thing applies here.  I hate being fake and having to concentrate on faking a voice that isn't very passable on top of all the other problems that come with being pre HRT.  That's the whole point of transition, it's a gradual thing.  I can't just overnight say: I'm just going to go for it.  I can't.  I have to just go out as I happen to be naturally that day because it's all I can do.

Aw honey. I'm sorry for the bad experience. And you're right, transition is a gradual thing we each take at our own pace and in our own time. It's not a race, except perhaps against time, so do what is right for you.

~Simone.

Quote from: Maddie Suzumiya on June 24, 2008, 11:07:48 PM
  That's the whole point of transition, it's a gradual thing.  I can't just overnight say: I'm just going to go for it.  I can't.  I have to just go out as I happen to be naturally that day because it's all I can do.

Good for you for trying though.  Getting out there is the hard part. 

I go for it only because we guys have it easier than you ladies, in that we can get away with it more.  I don't pass either, and I don't like people assuming I'm a dyke, but that's what I look like.  I guess it's better to look androgynous than girly (for me) but I'm not a dyke, I'm a guy.  So I take it and know that hormones will help.

Hang in there!  You'll get there.  We all will.

Jay

Maddie,

Proceed at your own pace.  When you're ready, you're ready.  It is a mind set.

Baby steps are alright and don't let anyone tell you different.

Hang in there, Hon.

Love,
Janet

Hey Maddie,

The initial phases of transition require lots of guts and courage to get through, It is not an easy time. For many of us yes we dont pass, yes our voice is bad and yes we dont really have all the skills and mannerisms which lead to anyone percieving us as the Gender we are presenting as. Add to this our own level of paranoia, confidence and esteem and it can be a real scary time ... BUT you did it and no doubt the thrill and high of doing that was something you initially enjoyed. Remember that as it gets more frequent.

It is a learning curve, its a roller coaster full of emotions, one minute passing and on a high, the next minute being read and on a low. Its part of the process and self discovery of transition and those highs and lows continue until over time only the highs remain!

Going forward try and find your own level of comfortability, dont put yourself in places or situations you feel stressed in until you are fully confident of facing that challenge. Nothing is more dismaying than failure, but you havent failed ...only realized that perhaps you are not quite ready. Knowing your own weaknesses is a strength, learn from that.

As for being brave, there are people who say screw it and people who dont want to face it... live with your own level of "Braveness" and not what other people would or may do.

Proceed at your own pace, at a level your comfortable with.

Buffy

Quote from: Maddie Suzumiya on June 24, 2008, 11:07:48 PM
I tried going out all girly and whatnot and I definitely got read halfway through the night.  Seeing as I'd like for that not to happen I don't think I'll be going out like that for quite some time, aka when I've had enough hormones rammed into my system to make the difference.  I know some of you are brave enough to say "screw it, I'll still do it" and I admire that. 

Are you on HRT?

I think I get what you're saying though.  I never went out until after I was on HRT a few months.  But once I did things picked up speed until I was basically full-time, except for work, 6 moths later.  My point is procede at your own pace, whatever that is.  Transition is not a race and the goal is to survive it in one piece!

QuoteI however have to view this as a learning experience.  I hate doing things where I could be called out on something not being right.  I'd never present a topic without doing my homework in case someone knew I didn't have all the answers.  The same thing applies here.  I hate being fake and having to concentrate on faking a voice that isn't very passable on top of all the other problems that come with being pre HRT.  That's the whole point of transition, it's a gradual thing.  I can't just overnight say: I'm just going to go for it.  I can't.  I have to just go out as I happen to be naturally that day because it's all I can do.

Don't worry about the voice sounding "fake".  The only way it's going to improve is through practice.  I spent many moments alone at home and at work (one person shop on my shift) practicing my voice.  Just do it and eventually the work will pay off.  Nobody develops a nice voice overnight.  It takes many months, if not years, of work to find your groove and strengthen your new voice.  Also speak from the heart.  Be you, don't be afraid to emote and take ownership of your voice.  Before you know it any thoughts of being "fake" will be long gone and all that will be left is Maddie. 

Thanks everyone.  Yeah this was a major learning experience it taught me this: don't do it if there is even the smallest chance of getting read.  And no I'm not on HRT yet but I'm going to the doc's on Friday to see about getting an androgen blocker prescribed.  The thing is with HRT I can go out as confidently as I do on any other day because it's how I happen to look.  Right now I happen to look masculine and it is a real possibility to get called out on it and I'm not willing to accept that.

Getting read is so depressing...I went to sleep last night and I hoped I wouldn't wake up.  But I did so I just have to keep on trudging along. 

Congratulations on going out!  It's really hard at first and easy to get discouraged, but it does get better.