I'm wondering about myself a bit. I don't exactly like my gender, but I don't know if I could ever take a step towards transitioning. I don't know if I could ever break this to my parents, my relatives, or my friends. I have hinted about wanting surgery to make my face more feminine, but I doubt they truly understand what I want. Hell I don't even know what I want.

If changing my gender could be like what happens in Ranma 1/2 for instance, I would do it with little thought. There is little doubt that I would probably find life better. Unfortunately the reality is that it seems there is too much work involved.

I already look decently feminine in both my face and body, but that could change easily. I'm only in my early twenties. It makes me sad to think that I might get even taller than 5' 8" or that my face will become even worse than it is.

Even through I still have plenty of time to do this, it seems I'll never get the courage to try. The window is closing. Before long my youth will be behind me. I don't exactly like that, but there is nothing I can do about aging. Furthermore I'll probably become even more masculine. Damn that sucks.

Has anyone else found it hard to actually start to transition? I know I'm probably extremely rare, but still I'm wondering. Hell I don't even know if I have transsexual past. Am I supposed to have a certain past or something?

I guess life just sucks. I'm stuck in this rut forever.

Go ahead and lay it out for me. Tear me into shreds because I'm probably just another crazy fool.

Your post sounds a bit like some of the things I went through before I transitioned. It is part of the process to question and one of the mistakes I made was to go it alone too long. By this, I mean that I resisted seeing a gender therapist because frankly, I didn't want to get that diagnosis of being trans. It was so much more convenient to have my made up world where I could have it both ways. However, being trans is not static. Once it starts to surface, the feelings get more and more intense. I fought and fought it and beat myself up emotionally for a long time hoping I could stop. It was not that I didn't identify as a woman, it was because society and my family expected me to be male. I wanted to be a good husband and father. I wanted nothing to do with anything like LBGT.  I was focused on what I was programmed to want by my upbringing. Clearly, my internal identity was in conflict with those notions.  That conflict was soon to bring me to near collapse. I could have saved myself and my family so much pain if I had sought help sooner.

I highly recommend talking to a gender therapist. Most have a free intake session so you can go and it costs nothing. Having an impartial objective professional hear your story and feelings will be more helpful than you expect. AND no, you are not a crazy fool!

Maggie

Quote from: je on June 26, 2008, 10:08:17 AM
If changing my gender could be like what happens in Ranma 1/2 for instance, I would do it with little thought.

What happens in Ranma?

QuoteI already look decently feminine in both my face and body, but that could change easily. I'm only in my early twenties. It makes me sad to think that I might get even taller than 5' 8" or that my face will become even worse than it is.

Ya never know how things will turn out. I'm 44 (wow, when'd THAT happen?), 6'2", and... things turned out just fine.

QuoteHas anyone else found it hard to actually start to transition?

Well it IS scary! Some people lose everything (jobs, family, friends) when they transition, while others barely notice any impact on their lives. It's QUITE a "roll of the dice," and you just don't know beforehand which way things will turn out. That's scary as heck!

QuoteHell I don't even know what I want.

Maybe find a good therapist in your area who's familiar with GID issues? They can really help you to sort things out, to figure out what you want. They can't do it FOR you, but they support and guide you while you do the hard work

~Kate~

It's definitely scary and gave me pause when I first finally admitted to myself I had issues, when being a transsexual was the furthest thing from my mind.  I didn't have the words to describe what was going on all along.

Like Maggie I fought and fought.  I tried so hard and wanted to be a good wife and mother.  LGBT issues were the furthest thing from my mind.

After my divorce I started really questioning myself and things, but never really knew what it was I was trying to figure out.  Now that I know there's no doubt I need to transition.

Ditto to what the others have said.  Find a good gender therapist to help you work stuff out.  They are invaluable!

Good luck.

Jay

I hesistated for a long time. But now I feel ready. I just have to fight off my parents... and the counselor said it could be 18 months to two years before I get any testosterone injections. That really upset me.

But I'd honestly rather be a he-she than just a she. And I'd rather be a he overall, but I know that 100% maleness is something I can never achieve. There's just no way I'll ever have a penis.

Posted on: June 26, 2008, 08:57:23 AM

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Quote from: Kate on June 26, 2008, 10:47:58 AM

Quote from: je on June 26, 2008, 10:08:17 AM
If changing my gender could be like what happens in Ranma 1/2 for instance, I would do it with little thought.

What happens in Ranma?

I think when you pour cold water on the main character he becomes a girl, and hot water makes him a boy again (or maybe it's the other way around).

Quote from: je on June 26, 2008, 10:08:17 AMThe window is closing. Before long my youth will be behind me.

"It is never too late to be what you might have been"~George Eliot

I started at 41 and look at how I turned out (avatar).  Don't put all this extra pressure on yourself.  You'll do it when you're ready.

By the way, you're changing your body, not your gender.

QuoteHas anyone else found it hard to actually start to transition? I know I'm probably extremely rare, but still I'm wondering. Hell I don't even know if I have transsexual past. Am I supposed to have a certain past or something?

I guess life just sucks. I'm stuck in this rut forever.

Go ahead and lay it out for me. Tear me into shreds because I'm probably just another crazy fool.

You are NOT crazy.  Don't let a stereotype of what a transsexual person is supposed to be make you question yourself.  You're not transitioning to be a stereotype.  You're not transitioning to be a transsexual.  You're transitioning to be *you*.  So relax and just be the best possible YOU.  My last words of wisdom are from a friend I knew in my old life.  She was the FIRST person I ever spoke to about my issues.  I did a core dump right there is her car a little more than 5 years ago.  And I was shaking and crying she said something that's stayed with me all the way through transition and that I pass onto you today:


"You are stronger than you know."


I didn't know it then, but she was absolutely correct.  And I know that you are to.  I know you are because I know what's you've already been through.  You've been through all that hell and confusion (hell I was in such deep denial I didn't know I was trans either!) and you survived.  I know it sounds crazy now, but once you start transitioning, I mean take that first step, life will get easier.  And everystep will build on the last.  Why will you feel better?  Because you will be breaking the cycle of going with the flow and start taking control of your life.  Each step will help bulid your self-confidence and self-esteem.


Good Luck!

It was something I couldn't stop and it was scary as hell because there was "no place to transition to" in those days - it was all uncharted territory - but after my mid-teens I couldn't pass for a boy anymore. I had no choice but to "do or die".

As frightening as it was to make the leap and leave everything behind, life on the other side was a million times better (and easier) than I could ever have imagined.

I also found it hard to transition. Ok, Im only 20, but I came out to myself when I was 17. For me it was hard because I just moved to another country and I was dating a super straight, super conservative guy. After living in Sweden for 6 months, I HAD to do something cause I was getting really depressed. So I started transitioning socially.

When I think about it, maybe it wasnt so hard.

hi je,
I am also at the beginning of my transition and we are of the same age i think,
nad yes i did have the same dillemas as you have now.
My main fear was of unknown. I don't know where am i going to. Of course i have
a vision, the way i want it to turn out, but there is no guarantee that it will. And that
made me scared to. But i am trying to learn not to try to predict everything. I have
noticed that i usually focuse on the worst case scenario and spend lot of time worrying
about nothing. As for the looks, don't try to predict anything in that field either, take your
time before undergoing anything radical.
Before making any decision about time i would advise you to compare a life you are
currently living. What is it like, do you like the way it is? Are your gender issues jeperdising
your happines?
In my opinion, the sooner you transtion the better, but only if you are 100% that it is what
you need and want.

I didn't expect this. I thought I was going to be bashed to pieces. I refrained from replying, but now I will.

By the way, you're changing your body, not your gender.

Thank you for correcting me.


Before making any decision about time i would advise you to compare a life you are
currently living. What is it like, do you like the way it is? Are your gender issues jeperdising
your happines?

I'm not sure it is so severe that I will kill myself. Yet even so it has gotten worse and worse as I have aged.

I wish I could think of something better to say, but I cannot at the moment. I'm sorry.

One thing I know is I have found a group of people that I can identify with. I'm not as alone anymore. Thanks.

I cried for three hours the first day I was supposed to go out and meet a friend presenting correctly, too terrified to go out the door, (That was about five weeks ago) and my first steps out as me (seven weeks past) had me too terrified to move for most of the day. My coming out letter took seven months to write. I still freeze in fear every time I'm about to step out the door, and have to will myself across the threshold. Tomorrow I will see my cousin as me for the first time, and I'm so scared I could hurl.

Ultimately though, my dysphoria got to a point where it was no longer a question between transition and not transition, but between transition and death. And the only reason I've had the guts to push as hard as I have in the last five months is my looming homecoming back to South Africa - I had to go back as me, because there, with all the people who know me back in my life, with all their expectations and their take on who and what I "really" am, I don't know if I would've had the strength.

For me it took running away from my life to come to terms with myself (I went to Taiwan to teach English for a year) and then again running away to England to transition. Home is the hardest place in the world to transition, IMO, and I admire everybody who has the strength to do so.

~Simone.

Don't worry so much about the "party line."  Popular culture tells us that once we find ourselves we have to rewrite our history to make sense in the present, but it's just not true.  Sure, it's common for a 40-year-old woman to decide/realize that she is a lesbian, and with retrospect say, "Wow, *this event* and *that signal* when I was younger makes sense now, I should have known all along!"  But in reality, I don't think it's so clear-cut.  There are transpeople who look back and say, "Wow, I was a woman all along 'trapped' in a male body," but... honestly?

When I transitioned, it was not because I found that I fit perfectly into the supposed "true" transsexual type.  I never HATED my penis, though I did come to find it to be incongruent, personally.  What triggered my transition was the realization that I would only become more masculine.  A late, weak male puberty had held things off for a while, but by the time I was nearly 21 I knew that action had to be taken.  I simply could not take another hair sprouting on my face, let alone continuing to try to live up to a male social role.  Something that helped a lot probably was that I had taken some time off after earning my Bachelor's because I wasn't quite ready to continue my education.  That year out of school really allowed me to make peace with myself and slowly adjust without having to deal with being out in the world, do you know what I mean?

I'll stop; I feel like I'm babbling.  I just meant to say that you shouldn't feel the need to justify yourself by uncovering some transsexual past.  You owe nothing to anyone, and it's your body and your choice.  Either way, you'll do what's right for you.

Lia

A late, weak male puberty had held things off for a while, but by the time I was nearly 21 I knew that action had to be taken.  I simply could not take another hair sprouting on my face, let alone continuing to try to live up to a male social role.  Something that helped a lot probably was that I had taken some time off after earning my Bachelor's because I wasn't quite ready to continue my education.  That year out of school really allowed me to make peace with myself and slowly adjust without having to deal with being out in the world, do you know what I mean?

Yes I absolutely hate all this facial hair!!! I have a lot on my chin, my base of nose to lips area, and underneath my face -- along my neck. I shave it all the time, but it just keeps coming back.

Honestly I'm one of those weirdos that tried to control how their face would look. For instance I would try frantically to push my chin into a more feminine shape. Of course that was a failure. Back then I was still largely unaware of a lot of things.

I don't know if I had a weak puberty. My brow became heavy -- that is about it. Otherwise I'm still largely childish looking. I say childish because I still look like I did as a kid for the most part. I mean my mom says I'm gorgeous, and my grandmother called me pretty at a wedding although she changed it to handsome.

I said that it hasn't gotten to the point where I'm thinking of killing myself, but that is a lie. It has reached that point. I thought about overdosing on drugs. It was the first time in my life I have really thought about suicide.

When I arrived on this forum, I thought I was androgyne. I doubt that now. I need to get a grip, and figure out if this is what I want. I don't want to make a terrible decision that I might regret.

I want to try, but part of me says I shouldn't bother. I don't know which to believe.

i had more of a problem with keeping up the girl charade.  it was like a breath of fresh air to rip off my tight jeans and slap on a binder.  but then again, it does seem easier in the real world for "butches" to be accepted than for "girly men"  so i can see where youre coming from.

Quote from: JonasCarminis on June 27, 2008, 07:35:26 AM
i had more of a problem with keeping up the girl charade.  it was like a breath of fresh air to rip off my tight jeans and slap on a binder.  but then again, it does seem easier in the real world for "butches" to be accepted than for "girly men"  so i can see where youre coming from.

I'm going to be doing that today... my dad said we can go get me some looser clothes. He's even willing to take me to the guy's department. This is a big step for both of us.

Minus the binder. As long as I'm smaller than a B, I refuse to bind. I don't want to cause unnecessary tissue damage. It must be very difficult for guys with bigger chests.

yea.  >_<  im a D.

I'm a B, and Ive been using a binder for three years. O_o

There were some emotional concerns but my need to transition was greater than all the obstacles I had in front of me.  At the end I ran out of excuses & did what I had to do.  I'm quite happy with myself now & I can hardly wait for my GRS.  When that's done, everything will be perfect.

I ran away from myself so hard that I eventually ran into who I was supposed to be.

I walked into transition but was also pulled into it. I am one of those who, after 7 months on HRT, simply could not pass as a guy any longer. Things went wrong, things went right and, in the end, I ended up where I wanted to go. Each journey is unique to the individual but often we may find some others to walk part of the way with us.

Good luck.

Everyday I find more reasons to transition, followed with more reason not to.

I guess I'm still just declicately balanced on those scales of justice, waiting for the one shed
of evidence that results in the thumbs up, or thumbs down...

Which way will I fall?..

...Yes I'm still finding damned hard...

..I so wish I'd had been strong enough to make the decision to start earlier in life...


Chrissty