Hi all,

I am on the internal quest (not for the holy grail, but it could be likened to that).  I am searching to find out who and what I am.  I do not really want or need to put a label on myself at this point.

I found this site while searching for TS/TG/Sexuality information.  I have found the information and posts here to be greatly helpful on my quest.  Its nice to find a place where people are so open and willing to talk about matters that would totally freak out anyone else.

I guess a little history is in order.  I have been confused about myself for a long time.  My earliest recollection on the matter was in Elementary school.  I was being atrocious during class. I was completely bored and was entertaining myself just as I do today under similar circumstances.  The teacher came back to my desk to repremand me.  She grabbed a Mickey Mouse magic book and said, "If you don't behave yourself, I am going to turn you into a little girl!"  I was dumbfounded, which she took as me falling in line and went back to teaching.  I started replaying what she had said in my head like a broken record.  I thought to myself, "How can she turn me into a little girl?  I am a girl!"  Wow, talk about totally confused.  In retrospect, I wish she could have done what she had said.  Life would likely be easier across the board.

Flash forward about 25 yrs.  I am still confused about myself.  I found ways to cope earlier in my life by being goal minded.  I would concentrate on the hurdle in from of me (finishing public school, going to college, getting a job, buying a house, etc), which would allow me to ignore my confusion.  Now I find things to concentrate on are few and far between.  I am finding now I am spending most of my time thinking about myself and who and what I am.  It is almost overpowering in terms of everyday life.  Its like a program that is running nice in the background, except that as time goes by it needs more CPU power to run.

I have been spending alot of time as of late reading websites and books on the subject of the mind, gender, sexuality, etc.  Some of which are:
   "Gender Outlaw", Kate Bornstein
   "She's Not There", Jennifer Boylan
   "True Selves", Mildred Brown and Chloe Rounsley
   "Conundrum",  Jan Morris
   "Crossing a Memoir",  Deirdre McCloskey
   "Am I a Woman?",  Cynthia Eller
   Phyc 101 textbook
   several books on bodylanguage
   several books on speech
   etc

All the evidence points to being TS at this point.  I guess I am just living in denial because I am not really ready to accept that conclusion.  SO I find myself here in hopes that discussing this in the open will help me come to a conclusion and hopefully lead to a remedy.  Hopefully, this wasn't TMI (too much information).

Stacey

Not too much info at all, Stacey!

I think that you are in a similar place to where I was about ten months ago.  All evidence pointing in a certain direction and resisting the obvious conclusion.  In any event, this is a good spot to help you ease your confusion. Welcome!

Another, very, very, beneficial tactic that you may wish to consider is finding a gender specializing therapist with whom you can explore these issues.  Reading and research helped me a great deal with general knowledge but for individual and personal knowledge I began with my therapist last December.  Seeing him, combined with my reading and research, has helped clarify many things for me, even if I'm still none too thrilled with the conclusions.  This may be the most important thing that you could do for yourself right now.

I'll be looking forward to reading more from you.  Please, once again, accept my

WELCOME to Susan's!
helen

Welcome to Susan's Stacey.

You have definitely come to the right place to discuss the issues you outlined in your introduction.  While I can't guarantee that the answers will be the ones you expect or agree with, I can guarantee that you will be able to discuss them freely, openly and without fear of ridicule, in a safe environment.

That's what we're all about

Explore the site, participate where you can and be sure to check out our Chat and Wiki.  Lots to do so relax you're among friends.

Chat later.

Steph

Thanks for the warm welcome and advice.

Stacey

hey there stacy im new also, welcome to the forums

this is a great site teehee

Hi Stacey! And welcome to the forum!

There's TONS of great info here. And wonderfully helpful, caring people.

Quote from: Stacey on May 09, 2006, 09:39:29 PMI found ways to cope earlier in my life by being goal minded.  I would concentrate on the hurdle in from of me (finishing public school, going to college, getting a job, buying a house, etc), which would allow me to ignore my confusion.  Now I find things to concentrate on are few and far between.  I am finding now I am spending most of my time thinking about myself and who and what I am.  It is almost overpowering in terms of everyday life.  Its like a program that is running nice in the background, except that as time goes by it needs more CPU power to run.

You put that SO well! I hate to tell ya, but it's a very common theme. We struggle against it for as long as we can, but it just keeps getting louder and louder until... well I dunno yet either, but there seems to come a point where most people break down and finally start trying to SOLVE rather than AVOID the problem. I think Boylan called it an "erosion," which rings true for me as well.

You're very much amoungst friends here. Very nice to "meet" you!

Welcome Stacy!

As Kate said you did put that very well, I was break down on March this year after more than 30 years of suffering, confusion and avoiding the problem, it took me far too long to admit myself and people around me what I am.

Here at Susan's you will find many answers on your questions and many friends who will support you at any time.

* *

Michelle

Kate,

Thanks for the warm welcome. 

The thing that I liked most about Boylan's book was the thought that she could be cured by love.  How beautiful is that!  I think to some extent that is true for her.  She wasn't cured by love, but love (her wife) stayed with her through the process, which, in effect, helped the curing/healing process.  In the literature, that seems to be a hit or miss affair.  When the SO stays in the relationship in a positive role, the transition process seems to go easier for all parties involved.  Nothing like have a sympathic soul who loves you.

As an aside, I have read several of your posts.  The thing that caught my eye was your avatar.  When I first looked at it I thought that was the strangest looking insect I have ever seen.  Thought maybe you were into entomology.  However, some time later I saw it again and figured out what the picture really was.  I had a good laugh, its amazing what your eyes can see sometimes.

Michelle,

I have to say that it takes guts to do what you did.  Did you go to therapy before you came out to the people around you or did you just declare it?


Thanks for the input

Stacey

Hello Stacey,
I'm new here, probably newer than you,but I wanted to say something anyway.
I just went through much of what I believe you're going through,trying to find information and reading everything I could get my hands on, and not sure about things.
I couldn't admit to myself I was TS. (Not that this is your problem, it probably isn't.)

QuoteI found ways to cope earlier in my life by being goal minded. I would concentrate on the hurdle in from of me( finishing public school,going to college,getting a job, buying a house,etc), to ignore my confusion.

Congrats on being strong enough to do all this! That's quite an accomplishment.
Wish I had been more goal minded, instead of pleasure minded. I could think of nothing but trying to seek relief from the pain. I had to be wasted to ignore the pissed-off guy in my head. I'm finally over this.
You seem like a very strong person and I wish you all the best, whether you find out you are TS or not.
The TS conclusion is very hard to accept (or at least it was for me).
Good Luck,
Nero

Welcome to the journey, Stacey. 

Before you get too far into it on your own, you may want to find a gender identity counselor.  Easier in some states than others, but pretty essential if you need to transition.